Can serial cheaters really change? Quite literally asking for a friend.

[GH96]

Okay so this is a bit of a rant but I'll try to summarise as much as possible.
I 28F have been quite close friends with a guy that I used to work with 39M. We've known each other for nearly 4 years now and I've always had a great deal of respect for him. He recently got married to his partner 29F about 2 weeks ago now abroad, and I was so happy for him. I knew that they'd had their ups and downs over the years (i also had many complicated feelings about the fact that their relationship formed from cheating) but that was prior to when I knew him and I wanted to be supportive of their marriage regardless.
HOWEVER, recently we went on a night out with a few other ex work friends and now I'm very conflicted. My friend in particular had quite a lot to drink and admitted to myself and one other person that he'd actually been having an affair for the last 3 out of 4 years that him and his now-wife have been together. He didn't mention if it was still ongoing, but he admitted that he'd previously told this other woman that he was in love with her and part of the reason he was with his now-wife was because he was 'too far gone' in the relationship and that he loved his life routine too much to change it.
Now I really don't know how to feel; I'm conflicted over possibly getting into contact with his wife? If I'm honest, I'm conflicted on being friends with him at all. But I'm wondering if i should at least talk to him as he hasn't brought it up since. But I'm also curious to hear from other people; can serial cheaters really change? Is there a possibility that he would make improvements now that he's married? 
I know that this may be none of my business but there's just something in my gut that's disturbed by this whole situation. 

[Sanch62]

Quote

Can serial cheaters really change? Quite literally asking for a friend.

A general sociological question isn't really relevant to an individual. I can appreciate your shock and horror and feelings of empathy for the poor woman who is married to this creep. But she's an adult who has been with him for 4 years and is either already aware that he's not trustworthy and is willing to overlook that aspect of him, or she's living in her own bubble of ignorance.

Either way, do you want to be the one who assumes the responsibility for shaking her world, or would you rather that shake out to happen in its own time and way?

There is no 'wrong' answer, but recognize that the messenger is usually the one who gets blamed for such a shake-up, by both the offender who manipulates the victim into a "you and me against the world" mentality, and also by the victim who is rarely ready to accept the information as valid beyond some contrived jealousy move and an affront to her pretense of bliss.

It's your call.

Edited Sunday at 12:04 AM by Sanch62

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, GH96 said:

But I'm also curious to hear from other people; can serial cheaters really change? Is there a possibility that he would make improvements now that he's married? 

Of course serial cheaters can change. Serial murderers can change, too. Any human being can change if they want to.

That’s not really the point here, though. Your friend didn’t say anything about wanting to change, did he? He just told you that he cheated. He dropped a completely unwanted bomb on you, causing a difficult ethical dilemma.

I don’t know whether telling his wife would be the best move here. If the wife is a really close friend of yours, I think it would; if you only know her through that guy, maybe better leave it be. But suspending or minimizing your friendship with the guy might be a good idea, at least until he expresses a genuine remorse over both the cheating and the dragging of you into his mess.

Edited Sunday at 12:49 AM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, GH96 said:

But I'm also curious to hear from other people; can serial cheaters really change?

Did he tell you he wanted to change? 

[glows]

Let’s say you bring it up and put him under the spotlight, do you believe the conversation would be a productive one? What are you hoping to achieve exactly? That he’ll make sense of his errant ways and blind you with his sudden onset good senses? He said what he said and he’s a cheater. Now you make the decision on your own whether you want that in your life. Talking about it with him isn’t going to change the fact that he HAS cheated so why does it matter whether he’ll change or not. He’s already in ick town. 

[BaileyB]

Perhaps, he will one day have an epiphany and change his ways, but that remains to be seen. In the mean time, he has proven himself to be dishonest and untrustworthy - not someone I would trust to call a “friend.”

Edited Sunday at 12:38 PM by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

He's 39, so the possibility that he'll suddenly develop self-awareness and empathy is very limited but it wouldn't hurt him to have friends call him out, for instance, ask him how his wife feels about him being a two-faced sleaze. His wife's not a close friend of yours so it's not your job to tell her, especially as their relationship came about through cheating. Maybe she's getting her karma, and further down the track when their marriage implodes, because it definitely will, he'll get his karma when she reams him in the divorce court.  Horrible people deserve each other, best to leave them to it and just watch it unfold without your interference. 

[flitzanu]

karma aside, you have no proof.

you shouldn't try to defame someone if you don't even have proof of his cheating.

[S2B]

Not likely to change… based on my long life experience.