Ex (F19) broke up after 1.5years, I (M23) still want to reconcile - any guidance on what to do now?

[relativedouble667]

Hey all, this is a long one but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible while still giving context.

I (M23) dated my ex (F19) for 1.5 years. It was her first relationship and basically her “first everything” with a guy. For me, it was my 3rd long-term relationship, but I had baggage from being cheated on before.

We started as friends at work and slowly fell into a healthy, non-toxic relationship. I’m pretty secure, she was more anxious/needed reassurance. I gave her that constantly, but also had a busy life (full-time job, uni, sport). She often felt she was putting in “more love” — touching more, calling more, etc. I acknowledged this and tried, but long distance (she moved 3.5 hrs away for uni) made it harder.

I did a lot for the relationship (flowers, travel, paying for everything, giving up time/sport commitments, planning to move to her city at the end of the year). But in the last 2 months my mental health tanked (severe depression returning), so my affection dropped off. I still showed up, but not as strongly. I didn’t tell her because past partners had pulled away when I shared that.

Out of nowhere (to me), she broke up with me over the phone — saying she felt love had become one-sided, that we were “growing into different people,” and that we wanted different things. She cried the whole time but stayed firm. I felt blindsided because she never communicated these things directly.

Afterwards, I swallowed my pride (something I’d never done in past breakups) and wrote her a long letter owning my faults and expressing I wanted to fight for us. She cried again, but still said no. Since then:

I’ve gone back to therapy, started training for a marathon, quit bad habits, and rebuilt myself.

We’ve seen each other once since — laughed, hugged, it was warm — but she still said we need space.

She hasn’t blocked me, still has our photos/playlists/TikTok reposts up, still views my stories/likes my posts.

It’s been 2 months. I’m in no-contact right now, focusing on myself and showing through actions that I’m okay. But I still want to reconcile.

My questions:

Did I mess up trying to fight for the relationship and begging, I felt like considering she said she felt like the love was one-sided, I had to prove and show her that it wasn't and I had a deep love for her. Should I have just left it?

From a male and female perspective: do her actions (keeping everything up, still engaging on socials, warmth in person) mean she’s conflicted, or is it just sentimentality?

Should I maintain no contact?

I bought her a Hufflepuff scarf (she’s obsessed with Harry Potter) before the breakup. Part of me wants to drop it off with a short note during her exams — thoughtful gesture, no pressure. Would that hit the heart or backfire?

Finally, should I ever tell her that her reasons were “fixable” if she’d just communicated? Or will that just sound defensive?

Edited October 7 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gebidozo]

I have to admit that I haven’t read everything you wrote in the OP, but I’ll highlight what is undeniably the most important part of what happened and the crux of the whole issue:

 

2 hours ago, relativedouble667 said:

I still love you and care for you, but dont love you in that way anymore.

You have to understand one thing very clearly: this is your clue to abandon all hope of ever getting together with that girl, stop messaging her, and start healing so that you’ll be able to move on.

She doesn’t love you anymore, not as a romantic partner, and trying to get her back would bring you nothing but more humiliation and pain.

I also hope that you understand that the chances of an inexperienced 19 year old staying forever with her first guy she had romantic feelings for were very low to begin with.

You have to see this for what it was, a beautiful, fulfilling romantic experience, which, given the circumstances, wasn’t really meant to be a binding relationship for life.

At your age, there is really no reason to dwell too much on the negative aspects of that relationship and the breakup. Breakups are always painful. You’ll have to get through this and emerge stronger than you were before.

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here. 

She s very young, and you were her first love. No doubt she has a fond place for you in her heart and memories, but first loves are almost never our last. She has grown and evolved and knew this wasn't the right relationship for her anymore. I think rather than continuing your cursade to win her back (gifts, letters, look-at-me- now social media posts), you would be much better served by working towards accepting that she has moved on from this. 

3 hours ago, relativedouble667 said:

should I drop that off at her dorm house door with a short note in there just saying “hope exams went well im very proud of you for finishing your 1st year at university, blah blah blah no need to respond just thought it would be a nice thing to do from me to you and possibly put a smile on your face” as i reckon this might hit her heartstrings a bit or do you imagine this might backfire compeltely

This. It will make you seem like the ex that won't take the hint. It reminds me of when I broke up with a long-term boyfriend, back when I was your age (I'm 44 now) I felt horrible for hurting him by ending it, and he kept trying to get my attention in similar ways. The last straw came for me when he had flowers delivered to where I was living at the time (with flatmates) and I finally told him very plainly that he needed to stop. I didn't want to have to be that firm and direct, but he wasn't otherwise really getting that the relationship was over and I was getting uncomfortable with the little moves to try to convince me to change my mind.

I know it' not your intention, but every time you leave a note or a gift or some such thing, it's telling her "I'm not listening to or respecting your choice to end it. I'm going to keep doing what I want in spite of what you told me." I am sure your heart is in the right place, and I don't mean to be unkind. But it was her prerogative to end this even if you don't agree and even if it hurts. She has the right to live as she chooses now without you trying to change her mind. 

Edited October 4 by ExpatInItaly

[relativedouble667]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here. 

She s very young, and you were her first love. No doubt she has a fond place for you in her heart and memories, but first loves are almost never our last. She has grown and evolved and knew this wasn't the right relationship for her anymore. I think rather than continuing your cursade to win her back (gifts, letters, look-at-me- now social media posts), you would be much better served by working towards accepting that she has moved on from this. 

This. It will make you seem like the ex that won't take the hint. It reminds me of when I broke up with a long-term boyfriend, back when I was your age (I'm 44 now) I felt horrible for hurting him by ending it, and he kept trying to get my attention in similar ways. The last straw came for me when he had flowers delivered to where I was living at the time (with flatmates) and I finally told him very plainly that he needed to stop. I didn't want to have to be that firm and direct, but he wasn't otherwise really getting that the relationship was over and I was getting uncomfortable with the little moves to try to convince me to change my mind.

I know it' not your intention, but every time you leave a note or a gift or some such thing, it's telling her "I'm not listening to or respecting your choice to end it. I'm going to keep doing what I want in spite of what you told me." I am sure your heart is in the right place, and I don't mean to be unkind. But it was her prerogative to end this even if you don't agree and even if it hurts. She has the right to live as she chooses now without you trying to change her mind. 

Yes i completely understand, after typing that out and thinking over it I agree with your point, I've tried my best and as much as it may have seemed embarrassing, I know now I didn't go without trying to fight for the relationship and prove that I did have love for her. As time goes on, I understand there's probably no hope in reconciliation anytime soon, and what's meant to be is meant to be, and the longer I heal and actually consider her faults In the relationship I'm slowly realizing that she wasn't what I wanted in a partner and how blinded by love I actually was, and I fell more in love with the potential and future her more then the present her hoping she would actually change and was different from the rest, which is probably the same case for her now thinking of it lol. 

Thank you!

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, relativedouble667 said:

...I've tried my best and as much as it may have seemed embarrassing, I know now I didn't go without trying to fight for the relationship and prove that I did have love for her. As time goes on, I understand there's probably no hope in reconciliation anytime soon, and what's meant to be is meant to be, and the longer I heal and actually consider her faults In the relationship I'm slowly realizing that she wasn't what I wanted in a partner and how blinded by love I actually was, and I fell more in love with the potential and future her more then the present her hoping she would actually change and was different from the rest, which is probably the same case for her now thinking of it lol. 

Thank you!

So glad to read this from you. I can appreciate why you'd pretzel yourself to try to rectify your ex's exit statement--as though some judge or jury could cast a 'not guilty' or 'paid in full' verdict that, somehow, your ex must abide and take you back.

You've since recognized that an exit statement is not negotiable. It's only an expression to justify the exit, and it doesn't really account for other factors that have swayed the decision.

If a lover is truly invested in staying, this stuff wouldn't be part of an exit statement; it would come up as an issue to tackle together or as a warning that it's a dealbreaker if it remains unaddressed.

One's first relationship is rarely one's last. While you appreciated the purity of it, you didn't realize that there would be a natural growth AWAY from it. That's not a fault or anything you could have changed--it's a typical progression through youth that, unfortunately, causes casualties.

Head high. While our experiences can teach us, we're the ones in charge of whether we will use these to our advantage as we expand, or whether we will use them to limit ourselves and play small. I have faith in you to choose wisely. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, relativedouble667 said:

Yes i completely understand, after typing that out and thinking over it I agree with your point, I've tried my best and as much as it may have seemed embarrassing, I know now I didn't go without trying to fight for the relationship and prove that I did have love for her.

Yes, and that's understamdable. You're human, after all, and didn't want ths to end. 

But thinking more practially, as I said before, this relationship likely always had an expiration date. You were her first everything, and while there are people who spend the rest of their lives with their firsts, there is a good reason it's rare. Can it sometimes work? Yes. But more often than not, in my epxerience, the two parties grow apart as they grow up and start to learn who they are as adults. You're both still in that phase, really, since you're pretty young yourself. 

You will probably fnd the women you date and the relatiosnhip choices you make 10 years from now are quite different (and likely better) than the ones you're making at this time in your life  It's all part of the growth process. You got this.