Letting go, when all you want is to hold on...

[Shehaari]

I was talking to this amazing guy back in 2021. He lives in the UK, whereas I live in Scandinavia. We were both dating to marry. His intention was to hopefully be married within a certain amount of time, but unfortunately due to flight restrictions after covid and us not being able to meet, we both eventually agreed to leave things at that. I was sad it didn't work out, but as we hadn't met in person, I was able to come to terms with the decition made. We spoke for about 6 months or so.. Fast forward, we've met and now I struggle to let go...

For context before I continue; I have always been "the carer" in the family, taking care of my parents (health wise, but also helped out a lot financially). This year has been the most challanging year for me thus far. I have been grieving the sudden demise of a very dear familymember (to cancer), and the same day he passed, the person I was "seeing" had an arranged marriage.. As if this was not enough, one of my parents were diagnosed with dementia. 

I haven't been dating much. I was badly hurt by my first love back in 2013, as he cheated on me after being in a relationship together for 5 years. A few years later I was finally ready to get back out there, as I too want to love and be loved, but didn't find anyone who would want more than a casual relationship. Not my cup of tea..

So, back to this amazing guy I was talking to in 2021..
I received an "this reminds me of you" text, a few months back and we reconnected, with a few text/voicenotes every now and then. He wanted to come visit the city I live in and "might as well come see me" too. I had told him that I might not be the best company because of being bereaved, but would like to see him and show him around. He came, and we both really enjoyed eachother's company. After a couple of days he said he was much more attracted to me in person and surprisingly so was I. I asked him if it was "pure lust", as I would prefer to know and act accordingly, but he said it was something he had asked himself before coming to see me and that it was more than lust, simply because what we had prior to meeting was very much still there too. 

We were open and honest with each other, and I felt comfortable enought to tell him how this year had been so painful and that I couldn't take much more hurt - to which he replied he wanted to give me the goodness and happiness he could and he wanted me to know my feelings mattered to him. My guard went down and we shared both an emotional and physical connection. He was a true gentleman and respected my boundries.. We hold hands, kissed (passion was definitly there) and we enjoyed spending time together. Before he left, I asked him if he was confidant in us moving forward together, to which he replied he was more confidant in me than he was before, and that I was an amazing person.

Once he went back home though, he said he didn't realise how long the travel was (15h back and forth), and that he wanted to be in a "face to face" relationship with me, but after careful consideration thought the distance was too long. It wouldn't give him as much time with me in person as he would have wanted, esp. with work commitments etc, he was worried he wouldn'tt be able to put in the same effort and commit to a LDR, but that I was an amazing person and that he genuinely liked being with me. 

I care for this man and I respect him a lot, and on a logical level I understand where he is coming from. I unfortunately got attached when we shared intimate moments, both emotional and physical (no intercourse, but passion was definitly there). 

After we mutually agreed that it was best we leave it at that (a second time), I couldn't help but think I had prematurely said no to something that felt so right. I asked if we could give LDR a try, to give this a chance, but he said it could work initially, but he knew distance would beocome the issue and he wouldn't want any of us ending up hurt if we got attatched a few months in. He is genuinely a good man, so this sucks... so much. I would never want to pressurise anyone to be with me, but like I said to him, at the end of the day if we both like eachother, I would want to be with him, not without him...

I realise that I have a hard time letting go of good people. Maybe it's a scarcity mindset? When I open up to date, I can't do surface level as l need to build safety with someone before anything else. I have gotten through heartbreak before but I don't want to end up in a similar situation again - Me being this "amazing woman", but other factors won't allow us to be together. I always encourage honesty, even if it hurts rather than believing a lie. I don't have the mental or emotional capasity to go through heartbreak again. 

How do you accept reality and let go of someone you want to be with?

Edited October 3 by Shehaari
Correct spelling errors

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, Shehaari said:

I realise that I have a hard time letting go of good people. Maybe it's a scarcity mindset?

My heart goes out to you. There's nothing 'wrong' with this difficulty. It doesn't make you a singular freak surrounded by insensitive people who can just shrug off others easily. So I'd remove any ideas of that kind of contrast between yourself and others.

Consider that your original connection with this man led him back to you eventually. You've since expressed your openness to attempting an LDR, and while his initial reaction was to nix that, you can relax knowing you've done your job in opening that door for him. You don't know whether he might reconsider it someday.

Also consider the concept of being stirred by one who isn't the source of your enlivenment, but rather one whose purpose was to awaken your awareness of what is possible. If you make the mistake of assigning that power to him rather than claiming it as your own, you can limit yourself to a fantasy about 'The One' as opposed to tapping into your enlivenment and your potential to enjoy all people, all circumstances, and allow yourself to be led to your best possible outcomes.

This man may have revealed your own gifts rather than taking anything away from you.

[Shehaari]

Thank you @Sanch62 for your thoughts on this  

55 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Consider that your original connection with this man led him back to you eventually. You've since expressed your openness to attempting an LDR, and while his initial reaction was to nix that, you can relax knowing you've done your job in opening that door for him. You don't know whether he might reconsider it someday.

You're right. Unfortunately, as much as I want him to reconsider someday, I'm not sure it will happen as the distance won't neccesarily change (unless I move and tbh I would, but we didn't get to discuss any of that..) When I said I would like to talk to him about an alternative solution, that would reduce the travel time so we could spend more time together, he said "I can get what you 're alluring to, and it would be great, but I cannot commit to a relationship like this (I assume he meant LDR) and it's big steps, especially for you" - I don't think he understood what I was about to say, but at the same time I didn't want to keep convincing him much more, as I felt so embarresed  for already texting him 2-3 times. He had also said he didn't see our LDR materialising. I am so happy he is being honest and kind in his interaction with me, but I'm genuinely sad it has to be this way.. 

I still feel super embarresed because I texted him a couple of days back and shared how much I missed him and wanted him to be by my side, and he politely replied he had accepted that this was the reality even though we both wanted to be with each other and that refraining from contacting each other would be better to not make things worse - all things my mind knows, but my heart struggled to accept. The embarresment is enough for me to refrain from contacting him, because my intention is notto make it worse on any of us.. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that this is it and I have to let him go.. This life is short and hard enough as it is, and letting go of a good man just seems so silly.. 

55 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Also consider the concept of being stirred by one who isn't the source of your enlivenment, but rather one whose purpose was to awaken your awareness of what is possible. If you make the mistake of assigning that power to him rather than claiming it as your own, you can limit yourself to a fantasy about 'The One' as opposed to tapping into your enlivenment and your potential to enjoy all people, all circumstances, and allow yourself to be led to your best possible outcomes.

This man may have revealed your own gifts rather than taking anything away from you.

You're right, I love this thought in theory, but not to be super pessimistic here, it is practically challanging for me to enjoy all people/circumstances and allow for the outcome. It is as though I seek predictability to ensure I don't end up heartbroken.. but that too is inevitable.

This makes so much sense - he definitly made me realise I still have so much love to give and i'm also able to receice it with grace too, whereas previously I mostly gave without expecting in return. 

Edited October 3 by Shehaari

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Shehaari said:

I love this thought in theory, but not to be super pessimistic here, it is practically challanging for me to enjoy all people/circumstances and allow for the outcome.

Challenging does not equal impossible. Awareness is a first step toward anything. It surely beats stagnation, which only takes fearful steps away from challenges. Remove your focus from your rearview mirror and be open to charting a new course FORward.

Quote

It is as though I seek predictability to ensure I don't end up heartbroken.. but that too is inevitable.

When something seems to make no sense, it may help to make room for the experience to teach you something important. Because this has been so emotionally stirring, it may be your signal to Pay Attention. You've been enlivened. Work with that. Open up to new possibilities instead of wasting your best intelligence on talking yourself down into old habits.

Quote

This makes so much sense - he definitly made me realise I still have so much love to give and i'm also able to receice it with grace too, whereas previously I mostly gave without expecting in return. 

Good observation. I neglected to offer you sincere sympathy for your loss of a loved one. Consider holding this person in your heart as you relax into your love for them. Ask yourself what they would want for you. Maybe tell them that you are open to receiving continual guidance. You are willing to explore new roads in your life that may scare you, but you feel the energy they have passed onto you as a legacy, and you will make the best use of this strength to make them proud.

Grace is only amplified by receiving as well as giving. Balance is the goal of all paths.

[glows]

I think you have rose coloured lenses on and barely know this person. A lot of men are looking like “good men” from this distance. You talked for some months in 2021, went on to date other people and then chatted a bit and met only ONCE when he visited from 15 hour flight away in a whole other country. On top of that you don’t have a lot of dating experience and I’d be cautious you’re putting the cart way before the horse. The way you have romanticized this is completely in excess or disproportionate to the amount of time spent together.

The way I’d shake this off is putting things in perspective and meeting more people in person, get therapy for the cheating and trust issues from your first rl that hurt you if you need to. Do your inner work and realize that you do not need to date anyone 15 hours away by plane. You can wish him well in spirit and cut off contact, then meet new people and fill your life with new experiences. I absolutely wouldn’t keep replaying scenes of the brief visit or keep thinking of things he typed or said. A big part of life IS learning to let go and grow, being fearless and engaged in all life has to offer and unashamed of new people and new experiences. 

[glows]

There may also be counselling services for family members or caregivers of cancer patients(alive or passed). Where I am the services are funded by a cancer agency when patient # and details are provided. It’s a life line for many and wanted to share that as well - may be worth inquiring where you are. Cancer is a devastating disease and can be dehumanizing and shatter you watching someone you love suffer. Triggers vulnerability and unhealthy attachments like these. Your guard is down and you may feel isolated. Lots of self care and counselling for anyone going through this or caring for loved ones. 

[Gebidozo]

The fact the guy didn’t want to have a LDR with you might turn out a blessing in disguise for you.

I think you’ve been traumatized by your previous romantic experiences and are now willing to settle way too quickly for a person you don’t really know at all.

You only met that guy once, yet you invested so much into the convention with him, without really experiencing normal dating and getting to know each other and all the other stuff people do before they decide whether the other person would be a good fit for anything long term or not.

You can now focus on your mental health and developing your dating life in your local area, once you feel confident enough about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

think you’ve been traumatized by your previous romantic experiences and are now willing to settle way too quickly for a person you don’t really know at all.

You only met that guy once, yet you invested so much into the convention with him, without really experiencing normal dating and getting to know each other and all the other stuff people do before they decide whether the other person would be a good fit for anything long term or not.

I agree. 

OP, this man might be great, but there's also every chance that he is a total clown. The point is that you don't know, but you built up a lot of hopes and expectations around a fantasy version of him and a potential relatiosnhip. I get that it can easy to get swept away in emotions and excitement but it's also critical to keep both feet on the ground  in the interest of self-preservation. 

It's okay to know what you want but you were looking for a lot of reassruance right out of the gate here. That simply isn't realistic when you're still getting to know each other and can't make big plans or promises without having tried dating each other first.My guess is that he sensed this and it concerned him that you wanted too much from him,  too soon.  I don't doubt logisitcs played a bit part in this, but I don't think that's the whole story on his side. He likely saw what a fragile place you are in and knew it wasn't really a great way to start a relationship. 

Moving forward, I would work on healing and geting yourself into a stonger emotional place. You will be more prepared to stand on your own two feet and make choices that serve you better when it comes to dating.

Edited October 4 by ExpatInItaly

[Shehaari]

9 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Challenging does not equal impossible. Awareness is a first step toward anything. It surely beats stagnation, which only takes fearful steps away from challenges. Remove your focus from your rearview mirror and be open to charting a new course FORward.

I'll do my best, starting from today. Logically I absolutely get why there is no point in allowing past fears to ruin any good opportunity that comes my way. I just need to learn to let go if it does not want to stay.. 

 

10 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I neglected to offer you sincere sympathy for your loss of a loved one. Consider holding this person in your heart as you relax into your love for them. Ask yourself what they would want for you. Maybe tell them that you are open to receiving continual guidance. You are willing to explore new roads in your life that may scare you, but you feel the energy they have passed onto you as a legacy, and you will make the best use of this strength to make them proud.

Grace is only amplified by receiving as well as giving. Balance is the goal of all paths.

Thank you, I appreciate you saying this  
I guess losing people you love and/or care about will either force you to let go easily, or in my case hold on (perhaps for too long). 

[Shehaari]

8 hours ago, glows said:

The way I’d shake this off is putting things in perspective and meeting more people in person

I get what you mean. With time, this won't hurt as much and I will make sure to date locally.

If I should be meeting "more people" in general, I would need to learn how to practice non-attatchment, at least that is what my friends say. I'm not sure how I go about that tbh.
I genuinely struggle with this "it is what it is" mentality, even though that is what might "save my heart" when moving forward. 

[Shehaari]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You only met that guy once, yet you invested so much into the convention with him, without really experiencing normal dating and getting to know each other and all the other stuff people do before they decide whether the other person would be a good fit for anything long term or not.

You can now focus on your mental health and developing your dating life in your local area, once you feel confident enough about it.

You're right, despite only being together for 4-5 days, I wanted to get to know him more even if that meant LD, because I liked his character and the way he made me feel safe and well taken care of. 

True. Thank you for your thoughts and advice and thank you @glows as well  

 

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, this man might be great, but there's also every chance that he is a total clown. The point is that you don't know, but you built up a lot of hopes and expectations around a fantasy version of him and a potential relatiosnhip. I get that it can easy to get swept away in emotions and excitement but it's also critical to keep both feet on the ground  in the interest of self-preservation. 

It's okay to know what you want but you were looking for a lot of reassruance right out of the gate here. That simply isn't realistic when you're still getting to know each other and can't make big plans or promises without having tried dating each other first.My guess is that he sensed this and it concerned him that you wanted too much from him,  too soon.  I don't doubt logisitcs played a bit part in this, but I don't think that's the whole story on his side. He likely saw what a fragile place you are in and knew it wasn't really a great way to start a relationship. 

Moving forward, I would work on healing and geting yourself into a stonger emotional place. You will be more prepared to stand on your own two feet and make choices that serve you better when it comes to dating.

Your thoughts on this also make so much sense, and I definitly don't want to come across as someone who needs reassurance (or to an unhealthy extent). 
The strange part is that I didn't want to get my hopes up and before I met him I told myself I would just see what happens, but once we talked more in depth and he affirmed what I was looking for in a connection with a man, I let my guard down to give this a shot.

How do I keep both feet on the ground in the interest of self-preservation, when all I want is to find that deep connection with a man who I feel safe with. 

This is definitly my lack of dating experience talking, but why wouldn't he express all of his concerns, like he did with the distance?
I want to learn from any mistakes done knowingly or unknowingly on my part here, so I don't continue potensially ruining it for myself moving forward.
It is like you say, and to respond to what @Gebidozo roughly mentioned; I know what I want, and I have not settled for less in other dating experiences before - it's just that once the safe connection is established, which is super important to me, how his character is (well initially in this case anyways), I become hopefull in finding a genuin connection with someone.
I do see that for a genuine connection to be established, it needs time..

Thank you @ExpatInItalyfor the way you explained your thoughts and gave advice  

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Shehaari said:

This is definitly my lack of dating experience talking, but why wouldn't he express all of his concerns, like he did with the distance?

Because many people will elect to leave out certain details if they think it will hurt the other person to hear them. It's just human nature. 

4 hours ago, Shehaari said:

despite only being together for 4-5 days, I wanted to get to know him more even if that meant LD, because I liked his character and the way he made me feel safe and well taken care of. 

I would dig deeper here. What does it mean to you to feel safe and taken care of? You hardly know him so I am not sure how you would feel safe with him. I realize you communicated digitally for a while but you spent just a few days in person together so you don't really know each other on a significant level - or at least, not the level I would need to feel emotionally safe with someone. That comes after an extended period of togetherness and getting to know the person in much deeper ways. 

I also don't really understand how you felt well taken care of in the span of 4 or 5  days. Well taken care of in what sense? 

4 hours ago, Shehaari said:

I have not settled for less in other dating experiences before - it's just that once the safe connection is established, which is super important to me, how his character is (well initially in this case anyways), I become hopefull in finding a genuin connection with someone.

Again, how do you establsih this so quickly? I think in your deep desire to do so, you are overlooking the fact that you and this man are virtually strangers to each other. In other words, you are assuming soneone is "safe" far too quickily and based mostly on an ideal version of them, since you don't know the real version yet.

It is best that he was clear with you that this isn't going to work out, and you can certainly find what you are looking for (and it will probably be a lot closer to home) 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Shehaari said:

You're right, despite only being together for 4-5 days, I wanted to get to know him more even if that meant LD, because I liked his character and the way he made me feel safe and well taken care of.

But it’s impossible to be really safe and well taken care of within the span of several days of actually seeing a person face to face.

It seems that you were projecting your need to feel safe and taken care of onto a connection that couldn’t have possibly yielded an actual feeling of safety and care.

[Shehaari]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does it mean to you to feel safe and taken care of?

It's mainly more of being safe physically when I am around the guy. He respects my boundries and allows a connection to fall naturally/organically.
It stems from being touched inapropriately by a distant relative when I was younger. I have worked through it in therapy, and doesn't stop me from being intimate with the right guy (I am selective in whom i chose to date), but it can still initially manifest as an uneasy feeling if that makes sense.

Taken care of in the sense that he he treated me well, was a true gentleman- I was very much in my feminine self for once, and it was nice being looked after, as opposed to me looking after everyone else (family etc.) Don't get me wrong, I do it happily, but for once someone else was taking care of my needs, not the other way around.  Everything felt so effortless. Bare minimum for most, but still a positive experience. I like his characted, his manners and how he treated people he came in contact with when he was here. All good indications of a good man. 

[Shehaari]

28 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But it’s impossible to be really safe and well taken care of within the span of several days of actually seeing a person face to face.

It seems that you were projecting your need to feel safe and taken care of onto a connection that couldn’t have possibly yielded an actual feeling of safety and care.

I have never thought of it that way.. It has just been a nessesity when dating, that the person is someone i'm comfortable around. 
Definitly food for thought, but not sure how to feel about the fact that I may project my need to feel safe and taken care of prematurely.. 

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, Shehaari said:

I have never thought of it that way.. It has just been a nessesity when dating, that the person is someone i'm comfortable around. 
Definitly food for thought, but not sure how to feel about the fact that I may project my need to feel safe and taken care of prematurely.. 

The necessity to be comfortable with a person is a basic requirement for dating. We shouldn’t even think of dating someone we don’t feel comfortable with.

But there is a big difference between simply feeling comfortable and actually knowing that you’re safe and taken care of by your partner. That simply cannot be stated following only the first face to face meeting. Repeatedly meeting and spending time with the person throughout an extensive period of time (months or perhaps even years) would be the only way of attaining that stage.

Which means that any talk of a long-term relationship was premature in your case. 

[Shehaari]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Which means that any talk of a long-term relationship was premature in your case. 

I understand what you mean.The issue might have been the distance, but like he said he wasn't ready to commit to a LDR. It's fair, and I am not blaming him for any of it. I am sad I might have ruined it for myself here.. I don't want to scare anyone away by being too honest, too fast or just myself, and he even said I was too warm of a person to run away from after we briefly spoke about how life had been challanging. He did say he wanted to give me all the happiness he had, which felt very genuine. I can see in hindsight that I might have been "too forward" once it seemed as though we were on the same page. 

I feel even more embarresed now, how do I come back form something like this? 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Shehaari said:

I feel even more embarresed now, how do I come back form something like this? 

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just realize that being warm and honest has nothing to do with being fast and too forward. You can still be warm and honest while not rushing into big plans with a person you’ve literally just met.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just realize that being warm and honest has nothing to do with being fast and too forward. You can still be warm and honest while not rushing into big plans with a person you’ve literally just met.

All of this. 

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

there is a big difference between simply feeling comfortable and actually knowing that you’re safe and taken care of by your partner. That simply cannot be stated following only the first face to face meeting.

And also this. 

The biggest a-hold I ever dated didn't show his true colours right away, OP. I couldn't have known within just a few days that he was absolutely not a safe person. I didn't find that out until after we'd been dating a couple months. He was also lovely to others we came into contact with,. But I slowly got to know what he was really like behind closed doors, and it was ugly .-and not something anyone on the outside would know about him. Now, the man here might be perfectly lovely, OP. But the point is that you are making character judgments far too quickly and stacking too many hopes on the idealized version you have in your mind (and very little real-life knowledge of him) Please be careful doing so in the future. 

2 hours ago, Shehaari said:

I am sad I might have ruined it for myself here.

The truth is that none of us know if that's the case. For all we know, he might not even be single. It could be anything. Take the valuable lessons moving forward, but don't be too hard on yourself. 

[Shehaari]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just realize that being warm and honest has nothing to do with being fast and too forward. You can still be warm and honest while not rushing into big plans with a person you’ve literally just met.

I had the biggest A-HA moment today speaking to you both about this. I genuinely didn't know that I was doing this, because "if it felt right, why not try seeing if this can work out". 
I will definitly remember this when I get out dating again, hopefully locally this time. 

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The biggest a-hold I ever dated didn't show his true colours right away, OP. I couldn't have known within just a few days that he was absolutely not a safe person. I didn't find that out until after we'd been dating a couple months. He was also lovely to others we came into contact with,. But I slowly got to know what he was really like behind closed doors, and it was ugly .-and not something anyone on the outside would know about him. Now, the man here might be perfectly lovely, OP. But the point is that you are making character judgments far too quickly and stacking too many hopes on the idealized version you have in your mind (and very little real-life knowledge of him) Please be careful doing so in the future. 

Thank you for sharing this with me and for your precious advice at the end there, Expat. It makes absolute sense. I wanted to give dating this guy a try and suggested LDR as it wasn't a dealbreaker for me, but again I have not been in a LDR before, and from reading threads here I understand it definitly is not easy. 

I realize I got my hopes up too soon, even though I told myself I shouldn't.. Not only my hopes, but also my emotions got involved too soon. 

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Take the valuable lessons moving forward, but don't be too hard on yourself. 

I will try my best with both, but I can't help but feel embarresed. Letting go of reality seems easier when I know where I went wrong, even though I'm sad it had to be that way.

 

If he ever reaches out again, which I think is highly unlikely but I would still want to know - what would your advice for me be? 

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts on my situation everyone, I appreciate you all  

 

Edited Saturday at 08:19 PM by Shehaari

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Shehaari said:

If he ever reaches out again, which I think is highly unlikely but I would still want to know - what would your advice for me be? 

No embarrassment necessary. Some of the very things that make us vulnerable are also the most endearing. While that's not the same thing as healthy relationship material, it's also not anything to regret. It simply means that some learning is in order, which is true of most of us at any given time.

If a vulnerable child who won your heart asked you how they can become someone you'd want to marry someday, would you think of this expression as something they should be embarrassed about? You'd likely be pleased and moved that they value you so much, and you'd make the rest of their experience joyful--and it would be joyful for both of you.

But at the same time, you'd recognize that you cannot encourage such an investment. This speaks of your ethics rather than of any reflection on them.

Your offer of an open door to an LDR was flattering and likely taken in the same spirit of protection of you that you'd offer to anyone who crushed on you despite impossible circumstances. That's not a rejection of you, it's in honor of you.

Head high; this was a good experience for you to have. Take what you can learn from it, and use that wonderful feeling of possibility as you navigate forward.

[Shehaari]

25 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

No embarrassment necessary. Some of the very things that make us vulnerable are also the most endearing. While that's not the same thing as healthy relationship material, it's also not anything to regret. It simply means that some learning is in order, which is true of most of us at any given time.

If a vulnerable child who won your heart asked you how they can become someone you'd want to marry someday, would you think of this expression as something they should be embarrassed about? You'd likely be pleased and moved that they value you so much, and you'd make the rest of their experience joyful--and it would be joyful for both of you.

But at the same time, you'd recognize that you cannot encourage such an investment. This speaks of your ethics rather than of any reflection on them.

Your offer of an open door to an LDR was flattering and likely taken in the same spirit of protection of you that you'd offer to anyone who crushed on you despite impossible circumstances. That's not a rejection of you, it's in honor of you.

Head high; this was a good experience for you to have. Take what you can learn from it, and use that wonderful feeling of possibility as you navigate forward.

Your respons made my day and was conveyed so beautifully. Thank you so so much @Sanch62, it made me feel much better about the whole situation  
I genuinely hope this is the case, because he did acnowladge that he knew I had a good heart - always had - and that he didn't want to hurt me or make me sad, but that the commitment was too big and distance too long. Fair enough, AND I now have a new perspective moving forward, thanks to all of you guys! 

I hope he sees that I meant well, and that I might have gotten too far ahead of myself, but with good intentions. Lesson learned  

[Sanch62]

14 hours ago, Shehaari said:

I'll do my best, starting from today. Logically I absolutely get why there is no point in allowing past fears to ruin any good opportunity that comes my way. I just need to learn to let go if it does not want to stay.. 

OR, view things in less extreme, exacting, binary black-or-white, all-or-nothing terms.

The guy who shut you down in 2012 or 21 (?) reappeared in 2025. He's not your only example of unpredictability, but he's the only one you've given us to work with.

Any habit of solidifying predictions works against you. This creates cemented barriers against flexibility, flow, and natural dynamics.

If you're too literal, you're too rigid to be curious and welcome joy.

Your experience with this guy can either teach you what is possible to feel in connection with another, or you can misuse the experience to decide that he was your only possible avenue of such a connection.

You get to choose, but I'd certainly view this guy as a messenger compelled to show you that good connections are possible for you--unless YOU give up on actively pursuing them.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Shehaari said:

If he ever reaches out again, which I think is highly unlikely but I would still want to know - what would your advice for me be? 

If he's not reaching out with the intention of exploring an actual relationship, I would request that he not contact me anymore. 

But even then? I suggest you think long and hard about whether an LDR is actually a good choice for you. They require a great deal of trust and confidence in the other person. You named feeling "safe" as one of your top requirments, but understand that being long-distamce makes that even more difficult to establish since you can't see the other person much. You don't know what what they are uo in times you are not together and it takes a lot longer to establish that sense of true security. That's a tall order for anyone, but especially someone like you who's coming  into this in an emotionally-vulnerable state. 

LDRs can be awfully anxiety-inducing for some folks, but particularly for people who are already anxious by nature. The periods of separation can be very hard to bear, wondering what he's doing or when he's going to call back or why he can't visit sooner. You see what I mean? 

At this time in your life, I don't see LDR being a good fit for you. 

[Shehaari]

10 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You get to choose, but I'd certainly view this guy as a messenger compelled to show you that good connections are possible for you--unless YOU give up on actively pursuing them.

I agree with you. I get too wrapped up in the sadness of things not working out because the issue wasn't neccesarily me or the other person, and then my focus becomes "why was I not worth the try"  After listening to all your thoughts and advice, I can see how unfulfilling that mindset is and I will definitly try to change how I view the end process. It does not benefit me at all.