Sanch62 Posted October 4 Posted October 4 4 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said: The craziest part of all is that I broke it off with my fiancee years ago because he was overly jealous and controlling.. and here I am turning into the thing I used to hate. I have a lot of inner work to do. Excellent observation. A partner cannot double as a therapist. Expecting this will cause natural resentment and legitimate questioning of whether this relationship is right and sustainable. You have trust issues from your past. Take them to an objective and trained counselor or therapist who can work with you to resolve them. None of us can tell you whether your partner's diversion from his earlier marriage discussions may be a natural resistance to your interrogative behavior, but you can at least address your side of that equation. This would benefit you regardless of whether you opt to stay or go from this man. Your post above announces your withdrawal from your partner without addressing any goals or desired outcome from such behavior. If you view this as self-protection, I can appreciate the temporary nature of that, but you'll need to reconcile how any punitive behavior toward him can possibly heal or resolve anything.
Anonymous Posted October 6 Posted October 6 On 10/4/2025 at 11:57 AM, shimmyshimmy_ya said: You're right, there isn't. There shouldn't be. But with my history of various betrayals coupled with the fact that he has withheld information in the past, on top of my insecurities of being good enough/attractive enough are a recipe for disaster. Do you think a partner should adjust their habits on account of helping their significant other overcome hurdles like this? When we have a history of being betrayed and cheated on we do not date men that make us feel like a brother and chat around with a collection of girls. We chose a man that is 100% devoted to a loving, honest, transparent relationship. Your trust issues are caused by being with the wrong men. I can't beleive the number of women thinking something is wrong with them because they feel insecure their boyfriend is chatting with other women. Sure a man can have a good female friend he's kept from a long time ago but chatting with a bunch of women, No...l would not even go on a 1st date with such a man. I was cheated on. It destroyed me at the time. You think l would pick again a man who likes chatting with women!? Lies, hides. The man in my life now is an open book. If something makes me feel uncomfortable he changes it, if i'm curious about something he shows it to me without making me feel bad about it. He makes me feel like my feelings are his top priority. Do not marry a man that makes you feel like a brother. I don't care he wants to spend the rest of his life with you....that's not the life you want for yourself. You mistakenly think marriage will prove he really loves you and he's 100% devoted to you. Marriage will not bring you that. You need to feel like that *before* talking marriage.
Author shimmyshimmy_ya Posted October 8 Author Posted October 8 (edited) We had a small chat, and I really unloaded to him how hurt I felt in those moments where he wouldn't show me his phone. I explained the fallout that it caused afterward where I started to withdraw and distance myself. At the same time, I can respect how he didn't feed into what I now consider to be an unhinged and unreasonable request. I've really been trying to deep dive into recognizing my emotions when they happen, reminding myself of the facts, and asking myself what does it mean that I feel this way? What outside influences are making me feel this way in the moment? On 10/6/2025 at 4:52 PM, Anonymous said: You mistakenly think marriage will prove he really loves you and he's 100% devoted to you. Marriage will not bring you that. You need to feel like that *before* talking marriage. Yes, I saw it as that. Maybe still see it is that? I'm working hard on changing mindset. At the same time, I have to ask myself if marriage is NOT that, then what is the point of it? Why does anyone get married at all if not to prove dedication, love, etc. But, in any case, I asked him where he stood on marriage, what it meant to him, etc. He says he "doesn't care" about it and it is meaningless to him. I explained that it has importance to me and is something I want. When we touched on how it was talked about, then dropped, he sort of put the blame on me saying that I showed him "one ring" and that it didn't seem like I had thought about it much. Also, how when we went to get my ring size measured that he didn't write it down to remember. Then for the rest of the night, said he "can't wait to get married" which he will claim is not said in a mocking type of way, but I will disagree. Later that night, we agreed to watch a movie and he was on his phone quite a bit texting what I assume are his coworkers and he also told me his friend Sean. I started looking at my phone when the movie was almost over and continued to browse it after the movie stopped. He pouted that he "misses me" because we weren't talking and I was on my phone. Clearly we need to talk about expectations, boundaries, wants. I just feel like I am supposed to take, take, take his actions, but usually when I match his energy he has a problem with what I'm doing. Edited October 8 by shimmyshimmy_ya
Author shimmyshimmy_ya Posted October 8 Author Posted October 8 (edited) Sorry, and quick edit - I want to clarify that when I say coworkers he is really more in a supervisory type of role. Let's say, he is a manager/supervisor at Chipotle and he recently moved to a different store leaving a lack of leadership at the place where he used to be. He is in contact with some of the employees because they have questions, etc. Just so happens that they are all younger girls. While talking about marriage, like I said, he explained that it didn't mean anything to him but seeing as it was important to me it's like 'why not do it' then. This was said in a completely loving and unresentful way I believe. Edited October 8 by shimmyshimmy_ya
Sanch62 Posted October 8 Posted October 8 2 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said: I have to ask myself if marriage is NOT that, then what is the point of it? Why does anyone get married at all if not to prove dedication, love, etc. IMO, it's to formalize and legalize a commitment to the love and dedication that's already felt AND demonstrated between two partners. So if that feeling or demonstration is lacking, then a ceremony will not imbibe or enliven the partnership with anything new. The couple will either thrive or fall based on whatever else is holding them together, only now they will suffer a huge financial and emotional expense if either partner decides to part. Might this penalty motivate them to work harder for one another? Each couple is unique, so nobody else can predict that.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9 Posted October 9 I don't see this relationship ending well for you, OP. It's full of problems and when you find yourself doing this many mental gymnastics with the two of you completely at odds over future goals (marriage), it's time to read the writing on the wall.
glows Posted October 9 Posted October 9 I find it very ridiculous that he’s in such close contact with so many coworkers and has no boundaries in regards to work vs home life. Do you continuously socialize with your colleagues on your time off? I’ve found some life long friends (few) at work but have kept 99% as business relationships only. I would absolutely not be socializing with colleagues or texting them on personal topics and life events regardless of age/background when I was with my ex when married or exes in past relationships unless it was an emergency. Instead of blaming yourself for your so called “trust issues” I’d take a look at whether your boundaries differ drastically. my thoughts are he’s lacking in fun and spontaneity in this relationship and he’s seeking that type of dynamic in the younger crowd. They seem whimsical and a bit airheaded. Ie who cares what harem girl #1’s bf thinks. Eat what you want/gym when you want. They complain/joke with him because he’s willing to listen. They’re upbeat when you’re withdrawn. They listen to their bfs when it seems you don’t listen to him or cater to his every whimsy. They are what you’re not and your bf likes their company bc it’s lost in this rl currently. You’re hurt, down, confused, withdrawn and now throwing back the same “energy” he’s been giving you which appears to be one of neglect. He disregards and dismisses you bc his emotional tank is filled by the whimsies and hahahas of the harem. He’s exactly what he’s always been though and there’s a reason why he’s probably divorced. His type is drawn to what gives him the highest satisfaction and gratification with the least effort. And frankly like you’re seeing now all too late you’re trying way harder than he is. If you’re looking for emotional depth and maturity in a partner this man isn’t it. He’s the romp in the barn and the summer fling. I wouldn’t marry him. Heck I wouldn’t even entertain a relationship with him. One last thing is that bit about how you both crushed on each other while in your last relationships. You know first hand what emotional cheating is bc you’ve done it yourself. You know how easy it is. And I think that plays on your subconscious and eats at you. You who have been hurt before did the same thing too and you saw not just everyone in your relationship past cheat you emotionally cheated on your last relationship as well. This relationship unfortunately started on a bed of lies and began as something hidden. It’ll always carry that and it’s better to recognize it and forgive yourself and wipe that slate clean. You have trust issues yes but this never started out with you having a clean conscience. It was always a bit muddied.
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