I want to travel to visit friend but avoid argument with spouse who can be controlling.

[glows]

I’d write down your priorities clearly on a piece of paper or note on your phone in private and visualize what kind of life you need to feel more balanced. You already know what is important to you but you’re a people pleaser and a pushover and probably codependent to such an extent that it’s now backfired and damaging you. She manipulated from early on. This is about you finding your voice and stop minimizing your needs. This woman unfortunately probably hasn’t a clue who you really are bc you’ve masked your true self for years. Maybe she doesn’t even know you. And vice versa. That’s sad and I can’t imagine for either of you to carry on in such a farce of a marriage.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

The issue I've always had is when arguments happen or she doesn't want me traveling, or regardless what the issue is... if she brings up pain no matter how valid it is, how are you suppose to go up against that. 

There are people who live with chronic pain and/or are disabled who live independently and support themselves. 

Why do you, and she, not believe that she will be able to manage for a weekend by herself? 

[Tex Murphy]

17 hours ago, glows said:

I’d write down your priorities clearly on a piece of paper or note on your phone in private and visualize what kind of life you need to feel more balanced. You already know what is important to you but you’re a people pleaser and a pushover and probably codependent to such an extent that it’s now backfired and damaging you. She manipulated from early on. This is about you finding your voice and stop minimizing your needs. This woman unfortunately probably hasn’t a clue who you really are bc you’ve masked your true self for years. Maybe she doesn’t even know you. And vice versa. That’s sad and I can’t imagine for either of you to carry on in such a farce of a marriage.  

A people pleaser while not a great label, is one I've been called many times in my life.  I appreciate the blunt and honesty in your reply, there's a harsh truth in it but I take your advice to heart. Especially the masked part. 

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

There are people who live with chronic pain and/or are disabled who live independently and support themselves. 

Why do you, and she, not believe that she will be able to manage for a weekend by herself? 

That's true. Many people do live with chronic (endo) pain and manage. It makes it a little harder since we have kids (teens), one with high functioning autism, but even still there is so much help available to her that there is no need to emotional manipulate. There's probably a lot more behind it because of her own past and maybe control needs etc...who knows.  She will be okay if I went away, even if she says different, there's a lot of help. 

[BaileyB]

Not to minimize her pain or the fact that you have a child who requires some additional support…

But, for perspective, I have a coworker who has chronic endo pain. She did infertility treatment that was unsuccessful and adopted a child. She decided to leave her marriage when her child was a preschooler and she is currently working full-time in health care, raising her daughter (who just started Kindergarten) as a single mother, and supporting her elderly parents. I have another friend who has MS, she had twin boys (after her diagnosis), and she works full-time as a teacher. 

Your children are not young, they are teens and should be fairly self sufficient. While one child does require some additional support, the other does not. You can tell me if I’m wrong, but I’m assuming that your wife has the ability to prepare a meal… even with the help of your teenage children if necessary. She could stock-up on easy to prepare food/meals, order in a meal or two, and literally binge watch her favourite show all weekend while you are away… If you children have activities on the weekend and she is not able to attend, it’s easy to arrange a ride with friends or she can ask for help from friends/family - that’s what we do when my brother and/or his wife are away, people are generally happy to help however they can. 

I would just encourage you to take the time that you need for yourself. What you are planning is not unreasonable, it wouldn’t even be a concern for most people. 

Edited October 4 by BaileyB

[Els]

On 10/5/2025 at 3:09 AM, Tex Murphy said:

That's true. Many people do live with chronic (endo) pain and manage. It makes it a little harder since we have kids (teens), one with high functioning autism, but even still there is so much help available to her that there is no need to emotional manipulate. There's probably a lot more behind it because of her own past and maybe control needs etc...who knows.  She will be okay if I went away, even if she says different, there's a lot of help. 

FWIW I feel like the responses that you get would be a lot different if the genders were reversed. For instance if it was a man with a painful medical condition - if he had rheumatoid arthritis, or if he was undergoing chemotherapy, or if he had ankylosing spondylitis... and his female spouse wanted to go visit a friend in NYC and leave him with their special needs child for 3 days, IMO she wouldn't be receiving the same answers that you are receiving. In fact, from what I've seen, she would be viewed as a "bad/selfish wife" and he would be given a lot of sympathy EVEN if his children didn't have special needs, let alone if they did.

Statistics have shown that female pain isn't treated with the same gravity as male pain (from society in general right down to medical providers, who are less likely to offer pain medication to women), and also that unfortunately in 2025 solo parenting is viewed as something that women are expected to do, whereas when men do it it's a bigger deal. 

As I said before, I think you should go, but definitely try to reach a compromise with her, and do so with kindness and understanding. Think about what you'd want if you were in her situation (in pain, parenting alone while your spouse is on holiday), and try to offer that to her. It's possible that this isn't enough for her, as her comments to you early in the relationship do sound somewhat manipulative, but at least then you can proceed with your head held high, knowing that you tried to do the decent thing.