I want to travel to visit friend but avoid argument with spouse who can be controlling.

[Tex Murphy]

I want to visit and stay with a friend of mine in NYC for a weekend, not to party or shop but catch up. The trip requires a flight and I’d be gone from Fri-Sun.

Going to nyc just to walk around and hang out with a friend is a massive battery charge for me, not to mention a decompress from my spouse.

My spouse meets up with her local friends for dinners etc but doesn't travel even at my suggestion.

I’m going to bring up the trip to her soon but I know it’ll be a huge argument. I'm anticipating she'll bring up health, kids, and having to do everything while I'm gone. She has help from parents. Why is this such an issue? Well, she uses medical issues of varying degree over the last 10 years to manipulate, emotionally blackmail, and pursue me to do tasks I've already stated I'm not doing, or she knows is her turn. While some medical issues are real, the severity and symptoms are often extremely overblown and exaggerated, with something simple making her incapacitated and unable to cope.

She's always minimizing tasks I do. For example "you did nothing today: dishes, laundry, dog walking, groceries are nothing" although any chores that she does (even the same ones) are considered extensive. Will often say she's done strenuous things around our place, which don't look like they've been touched but which she knows can't be proved are argued about.

If trying to reach me and I don't answer, will call my work repeatedly. If at a friends will call friend repeatedly, and will even track down and call friends parents.

We have 2 kids, both teens, with one on the autism spectrum. I've seen family friends get divorces with ugly results, and kids being weaponized, so for my kids sake I will stay at least until they are older.

I hadn’t seen my parents in 3 years and recently booked a flight to see them. That argument from her was so aggressive it resulted in me canceling my trip. My spouse argued that if my elderly parents wanted to see me they could get on a plane. My fear is that if I tell her about this trip and back down again, she'll know she's successfully gotten me to back down from going anywhere since I canceled seeing my parents too.

I’m just looking for thoughts and suggestions on how to approach the trip situation. In-case it's mentioned, we already tried counseling many years ago, and after the 2nd session she refused to ever go back to any counseling. I still go to counseling myself weekly. Thanks in advance!

TL;DR - I want to take a short NYC trip to see a friend and recharge. My spouse is likely to oppose it, as she has in the past (even leading me to cancel a trip to see my elderly parents). She often uses exaggerated medical issues, emotional pressure, and guilt to keep me from going, while minimizing the work I do at home. She calls excessively if I don’t answer and undermines my independence. I'm staying in the marriage for my kids (one with autism) and to avoid a messy divorce. I already go to counseling myself, but my spouse refuses. I'm looking for advice on how to approach bringing up this NYC trip without it escalating into the same destructive cycle as if I cancel this too, she know I've backed down from going anywhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Tex Murphy said:

I still go to counseling myself weekly.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this? 

1 hour ago, Tex Murphy said:

My fear is that if I tell her about this trip and back down again, she'll know she's successfully gotten me to back down from going anywhere since I canceled seeing my parents too.

It's on you to stand your ground. I get that she makes it very difficult to do so, but the onus is on you to proceed with your plans. 

It's clear you don't really want to be married anymore, in any case. Do you feel exposing your kids to this mess is helpful to them? 

[Acacia98]

Honestly, the first question that came to mind was "Why are you still married to this person?" And then I saw your explanation about your kids.

You have all my sympathy. I agree with ExpatInItaly: you should proceed with your plans after (of course) doing everything in your power to make sure that they'll be okay for the weekend. IMO, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your wife's actions are having the impact of isolating you from the people who love you. That's messed up. You need to maintain those ties.

And you need to get yourself some individual counselling and figure out what strategies you need to adopt to stay sane in your situation and to ultimately extricate yourself from this relationship.

[Gebidozo]

Do you really think that seeing their father being emotionally abused like that is better for your kids than growing up with divorced parents?

I’m sure your kids want to see their Dad happy, and it’s clear that you can’t be even remotely happy as long as you stay in this relationship.

 

[Tex Murphy]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Do you really think that seeing their father being emotionally abused like that is better for your kids than growing up with divorced parents?

I’m sure your kids want to see their Dad happy, and it’s clear that you can’t be even remotely happy as long as you stay in this relationship.

It's a question I've been thinking about for years. Ultimately knowing my mother-in-law spent over $100k going bankrupt to make sure my spouses biological father only had supervised visitation, and the threats that have already been made to me if I were to leave, it was harder to just walk away myself. A number of years ago I did actually leave and rent an apartment because it became too much, but ultimately her mom talked me into coming back. 

At the time I knew it was because her own mom didn't want the responsibilities of looking after the kids and helping her daughter do much of what I do, although she knows the situation is very taxing and toxic. 

[Tex Murphy]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, the first question that came to mind was "Why are you still married to this person?" And then I saw your explanation about your kids.

You have all my sympathy. I agree with ExpatInItaly: you should proceed with your plans after (of course) doing everything in your power to make sure that they'll be okay for the weekend. IMO, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your wife's actions are having the impact of isolating you from the people who love you. That's messed up. You need to maintain those ties.

And you need to get yourself some individual counselling and figure out what strategies you need to adopt to stay sane in your situation and to ultimately extricate yourself from this relationship.

I would definitely make sure everything was done before I went anywhere; made sure she had everything etc. You wouldn't be the first to mention I'm in a emotionally abusive/toxic relationship, in fact I heard it from counselors over 10 years ago, and I saw the red flags months into dating her. Then she got pregnant.  It's a bad situation I've been trying to make the best of.

Her own parents are divorced and her mom went bankrupt spending over 100k making sure her biological father only had visitation before he took his life. My spouses threats that I'll have basic supervised visitation over the years and knowing her mom (which even my spouse calls a pathological liar) has painted a very bleak picture of what post break-up would look like. So somethings I think maybe I just need to be unhappy for a while and make do so I can be with my kids.  I've heard horror stories from divorced parents weaponizing their kids and I just don't want that.  Yeah, unfortunately my older son has bad anxiety now and while some of it is due to his brothers autism, I'm sure much of it is due to seeing his parents relationship. 

I know what being "in love" feels like. My previously relation of over 4 years I was with someone who even after 4 years we could act like goofballs around each-other, went to Paris together, and even after we separated we still met up for breakfasts and dinners.  This relationship from the first few months of dating until 15 years later is not that. 

I do currently see a therapist for myself, which helps and try to do hobbies at home which I'm passionate about so it helps a little. Appreciate the reply. I think in 1 week I'll bring the trip up to her as the weekend I want to go isn't until November anyways. 

[Tex Murphy]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you spoken to your therapist about this? 

It's on you to stand your ground. I get that she makes it very difficult to do so, but the onus is on you to proceed with your plans. 

It's clear you don't really want to be married anymore, in any case. Do you feel exposing your kids to this mess is helpful to them? 

Yes, I've spoken quite often about the situation and even recently brought up the trip to the therapist. In terms of being fair to my kids, I've posted a few replies to others in length which will answer, just so I don't flood this post with too many lengthy replies. Appreciate your reply, thanks. 

[Els]

How much care does your autistic child need? Can he mostly feed himself, dress himself etc, or does he require 24/7 care?

I'll be honest, if he does require 24/7 care and you don't have professional assistance, it's pretty inconsiderate for one spouse to go away for a whole weekend alone for fun, unless their partner insists. But if he's mostly independent, then yeah I think your spouse is being unreasonable. Also, when you say you're going to stay with a friend, is that friend male or female?

You also seem to have other, very significant issues with your marriage and your perception of your spouse. What medical issues does your spouse have, that you claim she is exaggerating her symptoms of?

There does seem to be a bit of a victim mentality going on here IMO - you saw all these red flags early on, but you continued having unprotected sex with her anyway? And not even just once, but enough times to produce TWO children with her? You had a choice here, you know...

As for splitting up... Courts don't generally award full custody to one parent unless they can prove that the other parent isn't fit to have shared custody. Is there something that makes you fear that the court won't allow you joint custody? For instance, if she's the full-time carer for your autistic child, or if you have a history that would make you look like you wouldn't be able to provide adequate care?

Edited Thursday at 03:15 PM by Els

[Tex Murphy]

40 minutes ago, Els said:

How much care does your autistic child need? Can he mostly feed himself, dress himself etc, or does he require 24/7 care?

I'll be honest, if he does require 24/7 care and you don't have professional assistance, it's pretty inconsiderate for one spouse to go away for a whole weekend alone for fun, unless their partner insists. But if he's mostly independent, then yeah I think your spouse is being unreasonable. Also, when you say you're going to stay with a friend, is that friend male or female?

You also seem to have other, very significant issues with your marriage and your perception of your spouse. What medical issues does your spouse have, that you claim she is exaggerating her symptoms of?

There does seem to be a bit of a victim mentality going on here IMO - you saw all these red flags early on, but you continued having unprotected sex with her anyway? And not even just once, but enough times to produce TWO children with her? You had a choice here, you know...

As for splitting up... Courts don't generally award full custody to one parent unless they can prove that the other parent isn't fit to have shared custody. Is there something that makes you fear that the court won't allow you joint custody? For instance, if she's the full-time carer for your autistic child, or if you have a history that would make you look like you wouldn't be able to provide adequate care?

I can see how you'd view my post as victim mentality and can't blame anyone who immediately thinks that given what I write. That being said, I'd have to write a novel to explain all the dynamics and different aspects to what makes my relationship so toxic.  I have to condense my question with some context into a few paragraphs which I hope it enough info, but not too much most people will not bother reading, so yes it probably looks like victim mentality but couldn't be further from the truth. 

To be fair, I actually did break it off multiple times in the beginning but always came back. In the beginning it was always "How could you break up with someone who is in pain and needs help" so I'd go back. I was over at a friends house once after breaking up and she repeatedly called his parents house and asked his parents to get me on thee phone. My spouse has a woman health condition which yes, can be painful at times, and has negative health issues and so I've always tried to be there for her. That said, after 15 years I can say many times her pain and symptoms are not always as severe as she presents, she does manipulate.

My autistic kid is high functioning, so will eat on their own, can dress themselves etc. Is it extra and hard work? sure. I don't discount the extra work that's required. I'm at a point where the kids are older, and my own mental health is fragile which is why something like this trip I feel is important. 

 

[Els]

4 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

That said, after 15 years I can say many times her pain and symptoms are not always as severe as she presents

How can you possibly know this, though? Nobody knows someone's pain levels better than the person themselves. And if she does have a diagnosed medical condition like endometriosis (i.e. she's been to the doctor, taken tests and received a diagnosis), then it's rather concerning that her spouse thinks she's "exaggerating her pain".

To be clear, I'm not saying that she's right and you're wrong. I'm just saying that I think there is clearly a lot of toxicity in your relationship and it might benefit you to consider how you might have contributed to where you are now and to the state of your relationship. I'm sure she is partially at fault as well, but you can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

For the question that you started this thread with, the NYC trip, I think that you might consider offering to hire someone to help her with the kids during that weekend or even just a catering service or something so that she doesn't have to handle everything by herself. And offer her the following Friday to Sunday to do whatever she wants by herself while you handle the kids. Or can you take one of the kids with you on the trip?

Taking care of two children by yourself for 3 days, one with high functioning autism, is already challenging. Doing it with a painful medical condition while your spouse is flying solo having fun would be a tough pill to swallow for many people, but they might make this sacrifice once in a long while for a supportive and loving partner. Would you consider yourself to be such a partner?

Are the two of you going to MC? 

Edited Thursday at 08:21 PM by Els

[MsJayne]

You have my sympathy. Hypochondria, which your wife appears to display, is often a secondary mental health condition to something more serious, but you probably don't need any of us to tell you that your wife is mentally unwell. My advice is this, don't tell her you're going. Wait 'til you're at the airport and then ring her and tell her what you're doing, and explain that the reason you didn't tell her is that you're sick to death of her BS. If she shouts at you, hang up and don't answer her calls all weekend, block her number if you have to. Let the bully sweat. She will then have three days to process the fact that you just stood up for yourself for the first time in God knows how long. When you get home, tell her to shut up, sit down, and listen, and then tell her that things are going to change or the marriage is over, and mean it. Don't worry about the war it will start, it'll be no worse than another 20 years of being married to a pig-in-lipstick. Your kids are old enough to know you're a good guy, they will cope. 

[Tex Murphy]

6 hours ago, Els said:

How can you possibly know this, though? Nobody knows someone's pain levels better than the person themselves. And if she does have a diagnosed medical condition like endometriosis (i.e. she's been to the doctor, taken tests and received a diagnosis), then it's rather concerning that her spouse thinks she's "exaggerating her pain".

To be clear, I'm not saying that she's right and you're wrong. I'm just saying that I think there is clearly a lot of toxicity in your relationship and it might benefit you to consider how you might have contributed to where you are now and to the state of your relationship. I'm sure she is partially at fault as well, but you can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

For the question that you started this thread with, the NYC trip, I think that you might consider offering to hire someone to help her with the kids during that weekend or even just a catering service or something so that she doesn't have to handle everything by herself. And offer her the following Friday to Sunday to do whatever she wants by herself while you handle the kids. Or can you take one of the kids with you on the trip?

Taking care of two children by yourself for 3 days, one with high functioning autism, is already challenging. Doing it with a painful medical condition while your spouse is flying solo having fun would be a tough pill to swallow for many people, but they might make this sacrifice once in a long while for a supportive and loving partner. Would you consider yourself to be such a partner?

Are the two of you going to MC? 

I don't pretend to know how much pain she is in or isn't, only she can. However, when there are clear indications of deception and exaggeration, it becomes very hard to trust what she says shes going through, and what's being blown out of proportion to manipulate the situation. That being said, I am there for her in terms of making sure her health is looked after. 

Also, something you maybe didn't catch from my previous replies and post is that she refuses to go to MC, while I am and have gone to weekly counseling to a therapist for over 10 years. 

There's a few people I plan to reach out too and see if they can assist while I'd be away, because yes, I know it's not as simple as saying "you'll be fine while I'm away", but regardless of our relationship issues, making sure she'll be okay as it'll be harder on her.

Edited yesterday at 02:40 AM by Tex Murphy

[IrinaM]

is this a male or female friend you're visiting?

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

Yes, I've spoken quite often about the situation and even recently brought up the trip to the therapist.

And what did your therapist suggest? 

[SurfCity]

.Is the friend you plan to visit in NYC male or female? 

Is the friend in NYC your ex from the quote below? Why did you break up with this ex?

21 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

I know what being "in love" feels like. My previously relation of over 4 years I was with someone who even after 4 years we could act like goofballs around each-other, went to Paris together, and even after we separated we still met up for breakfasts and dinners. 

[Tex Murphy]

9 hours ago, IrinaM said:

is this a male or female friend you're visiting?

Male. 

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what did your therapist suggest? 

My therapist doesn't think it's an issue; doesn't think it's selfish, and thinks I need it to recharge so I can keep my sanity and be there for the kids and spouse. 

2 hours ago, SurfCity said:

.Is the friend you plan to visit in NYC male or female? 

Is the friend in NYC your ex from the quote below? Why did you break up with this ex?

Friend is Male. The Ex I haven't spoken to in over 15 years since I started dating my current spouse. 

[Els]

12 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

I don't pretend to know how much pain she is in or isn't, only she can. However, when there are clear indications of deception and exaggeration, it becomes very hard to trust what she says shes going through, and what's being blown out of proportion to manipulate the situation.

Again, though, how can you possibly know this? Has she received a diagnosis from a doctor? Does her doctor think she is exaggerating things and that she's "fine"?

12 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

Also, something you maybe didn't catch from my previous replies and post is that she refuses to go to MC, while I am and have gone to weekly counseling to a therapist for over 10 years. 

It's a pity that she refuses to go to MC. It's good that you're going to individual therapy, sadly it's not a replacement for MC. IC is for your personal mental health.

12 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

There's a few people I plan to reach out too and see if they can assist while I'd be away, because yes, I know it's not as simple as saying "you'll be fine while I'm away", but regardless of our relationship issues, making sure she'll be okay as it'll be harder on her.

Yeah, you definitely want to try and work out a reasonable compromise with her. Getting people to assist is good, although sometimes paid help can be more reliable. Catering programs for instance are really good, they save hours of shopping, cooking and cleaning.

I'd really, REALLY advise against just calling her at the airport as someone else suggested, unless you've already lawyered up and are prepared for the fallout. It's not just your spouse that would take issue with that - anyone would. Also just dumping your kids on your spouse to go on a leisure weekend without her consent is behaviour that could be used against you when you are seeking joint custody in court. If she pulls up this incident (and it sounds like she certainly will), you'll look like an irresponsible parent.

Edited 15 hours ago by Els

[Tex Murphy]

3 minutes ago, Els said:

Again, though, how can you possibly know this? Has she received a diagnosis from a doctor? Does her doctor think she is exaggerating things and that she's "fine"?

It's a pity that she refuses to go to MC. It's good that you're going to individual therapy, sadly it's not a replacement for MC. IC is for your personal mental health.

Yeah, you definitely want to try and work out a reasonable compromise with her. Getting people to assist is good, although sometimes paid help can be more reliable. Catering programs for instance are really good, they save hours of shopping, cooking and cleaning.

I'd really, REALLY advise against just calling her at the airport as someone else suggested, unless you've already lawyered up and are prepared for the fallout. It's not just your spouse that would take issue with that - anyone would. Also just dumping your kids on your spouse to go on a leisure weekend without her consent is behaviour that could be used against you when you are seeking joint custody in court. If she pulls up this incident (and it sounds like she certainly will), you'll look like an irresponsible parent.

I plan to bring it up 3-4 weeks before going as I only think that's fair. It also makes sure there's plenty of time to ensure all the support is in place, no appointments are booked on those days etc, and help can be arranged on those dates. Also yes, paid help is what I meant.  

[Els]

2 hours ago, Tex Murphy said:

I plan to bring it up 3-4 weeks before going as I only think that's fair. It also makes sure there's plenty of time to ensure all the support is in place, no appointments are booked on those days etc, and help can be arranged on those dates. Also yes, paid help is what I meant.  

Sounds like a good compromise IMO. Best of luck!

[BaileyB]

On 10/1/2025 at 10:05 PM, Tex Murphy said:

My spouse argued that if my elderly parents wanted to see me they could get on a plane. 

The fact that I travelled to visit my elderly parents would be non negotiable. In fact, my husband did this last week, I drove him to the airport and enjoyed a weekend to myself! 

Good that you have a plan in place to visit your friend. I too would give her some warning, and I would expect her to escalate her attempts to guilt and manipulate you to cancel your plans, as you gave in last time. I would say, don’t let her guilt you into doing so again - 

It’s good that you have a therapist, as it sounds like your wife’s anxiety is really affecting her and your relationship. 

 

Edited 12 hours ago by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 10/2/2025 at 11:03 AM, Tex Murphy said:

In the beginning it was always "How could you break up with someone who is in pain and needs help" so I'd go back.

You recognize this kind of manipulation as emotionally abusive, I hope. 

 

Edited 12 hours ago by BaileyB

[Tex Murphy]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that I travelled to visit my elderly parents would be non negotiable. In fact, my husband did this last week, I drove him to the airport and enjoyed a weekend to myself! 

Good that you have a plan in place to visit your friend. I too would give her some warning, and I would expect her to escalate her attempts to guilt and manipulate you to cancel your plans, as you gave in last time. I would say, don’t let her guilt you into doing so again - 

It’s good that you have a therapist, as it sounds like your wife’s anxiety is really affecting her and your relationship. 

 

 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You recognize this kind of manipulation as emotionally abusive, I hope. 

 

 Yeah, even back then it felt like emotional blackmail. Unfortunately I was a care taker for my mom growing up with major mental health issues, so while my spouse may have been using emotional blackmail to convince me not to leave her, I would feel guilty and bad for breaking up while she was in pain and always went back. 
I agree about the guilt when I mention this trip. I know if she guilt-trips me into backing down and not going, that would be it! She already got me to back down from seeing my parents, and so backing down again would pretty much end any possibility of future trips, she'd just reference these times. 
Appreciate the reply, thanks. 

[BaileyB]

Ok, but don’t let your spouse keep you from going to visit your elderly parents. These are your parents. Your time with them is finite - will you feel regret if they pass away and you have not travelled to visit them in the past few years? 

Your wife will deal with your absence, or she won’t. How she copes is not your problem - she is a grown woman. As I said above, I would never think to tell my spouse that he could not travel to see his mom. I see my own father every week - my spouse often come along for the visit. 

I said it earlier, sarcastically, and then deleted my post because it sounded a bit facetious. If my spouse was suggesting that I could not visit my parents, I would ask him which he would prefer - that I travel for a weekend or a week to visit them or that we separate and I will file for divorce. That’s how seriously I would take this kind of “controlling behavior…” I would never allow anybody to tell me that I could not visit my aging parents… not even my spouse. 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by BaileyB

[Tex Murphy]

46 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ok, but don’t let your spouse keep you from going to visit your elderly parents. These are your parents. Your time with them is finite - will you feel regret if they pass away and you have not travelled to visit them in the past few years? 

Your wife will deal with your absence, or she won’t. How she copes is not your problem - she is a grown woman. As I said above, I would never think to tell my spouse that he could not travel to see his mom. I see my own father every week - my spouse often come along for the visit. 

I said it earlier, sarcastically, and then deleted my post because it sounded a bit facetious. If my spouse was suggesting that I could not visit my parents, I would ask him which he would prefer - that I travel for a weekend or a week to visit them or that we separate and I will file for divorce. That’s how seriously I would take this kind of “controlling behavior…” I would never allow anybody to tell me that I could not visit my aging parents… not even my spouse. 

Appreciate the advice. Truthfully I shouldn't have backed down, but I do recognize that I handed her the power to determine whether I saw my parents or not and in the future that can't happen again. My father is mobile but my mom can't really walk well anymore so yeah, it's a big deal having them or just her fly across the country. 

The issue I've always had is when arguments happen or she doesn't want me traveling, or regardless what the issue is... if she brings up pain no matter how valid it is, how are you suppose to go up against that.  It's like as soon as someone mentions they have pain, that's it, argument is over. Who is going to go against someone who is in pain? So that, predominantly is how disagreements have ended.  

She could say "you take the dog out 9 times, and I'll take it out the 10th time", but 10th time comes and she has pain or a headache. valid? maybe. But she already told me earlier she really didn't want to take the dog out, so I can't help but feel I'm being emotionally manipulated. That happens a lot btw, not the dog but in general with various things. 

Anyways I really appreciate the kind words and advice.   

Edited 7 hours ago by Tex Murphy

[S2B]

I would state it simply this the date I’ll be gone to visit with ____ for a few days”

if she tries to argue I wouldn’t engage with any back and forth.