Girlfriend checking up on ex husband behind my back [combined threads]

[sarnrt]

I've recently worked out (and it could be a massive coincidence) that my girlfriend reactivates her Facebook whilst her ex husband is on holiday at his parents house who live in another part of the country. She deactives it soon after he's back. This has happened twice in the last few months. For the record she is not facebook friends with him, but is with his sister and potentially other members.

 

History: She was.with her ex husband for 6 years, they have a 3 year old son together. He cheated on her and left for another woman. She wanted him to stay and work it out. He declined. Fast forward 2 years and they're now engaged.

I started a casual relationship with my GF about 10 months after they split. I was aware she wasn't fully over what happened so we took it slow and 12 months later here we are in a full time relationship, with no issues.

3 months ago her ex took their son to see his family and she went on and off Facebook pre and Post trip. She told me about this activation and deactivation, but i never questioned it or wondered why.

Now I assume she went on at this time because her ex doesn't do facetime or pics of their son, so she wanted to see him on holiday via, I assume other family members pictures on Facebook. I'm fine with this.

My GF went back onto Facebook 2 weeks ago and lied about the reason, she doesnt know I know she lied. She didn't tell me she had gone back on, i saw her and asked her why. I let it go as at the time I couldn't be sure she was lying. However after a few days of it bugging me, i confirmed said lie which made me question her motive.

She let slip that her ex was away with his family and it clicked.

She went on and off over a weekend whilst he was with his family for a family celebration. A family celebration of someone that isnt important to her. He left his son with my GF so she had no real reason to go on.

Now I'm a little concerned.

So, I have a dilemma as I know if I question her she will deny it. And let's be honest, who's going to admit to checking up on their ex to this extent. It may be a coincidence and this will be tested in future months if it happens again.

I know we are all guilty of checking up on exes but to reactivate and deactivate Facebook for a period of time is a little too much.

Does she still have feelings for him? Is she jealous of the new girl having fun with his family? Is she just being nosey? Am I overthinking it?

I accept it for when he takes their son, but I won't for when it's just him and the other woman.

Basically I'm after advice on how to handle this if it happens again. I didn't say anything as I wanted to see how long she stayed on Facebook for. As she came off when I predicted, I feel I need to potentially discuss is next time it happens and I'm going to assume around Christmas time. Can't wait for that haha.

I know she will deny it, I just don't know what to do when she does as I'll probably be told its all in my head...

Any help is appreciated thanks

Edited yesterday at 10:43 AM by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sarnrt]

29 minutes ago, sarnrt said:

I've recently worked out (and it could be a massive coincidence) that my girlfriend reactivates her Facebook whilst her ex husband is on holiday at his parents house who live in another part of the country. She deactives it soon after he's back. This has happened twice in the last few months. For the record she is not facebook friends with him, but is with his sister and potentially other members.

 

History: She was.with her ex husband for 6 years, they have a 3 year old son together. He cheated on her and left for another woman. She wanted him to stay and work it out. He declined. Fast forward 2 years and they're now engaged.

I started a casual relationship with my GF about 10 months after they split. I was aware she wasn't fully over what happened so we took it slow and 12 months later here we are in a full time relationship, with no issues.

3 months ago her ex took their son to see his family and she went on and off Facebook pre and Post trip. She told me about this activation and deactivation, but i never questioned it or wondered why.

Now I assume she went on at this time because her ex doesn't do facetime or pics of their son, so she wanted to see him on holiday via, I assume other family members pictures on Facebook. I'm fine with this.

My GF went back onto Facebook 2 weeks ago and lied about the reason, she doesnt know I know she lied. She didn't tell me she had gone back on, i saw her and asked her why. I let it go as at the time I couldn't be sure she was lying. However after a few days of it bugging me, i confirmed said lie which made me question her motive.

She let slip that her ex was away with his family and it clicked.

She went on and off over a weekend whilst he was with his family for a family celebration. A family celebration of someone that isnt important to her. He left his son with my GF so she had no real reason to go on.

Now I'm a little concerned.

So, I have a dilemma as I know if I question her she will deny it. And let's be honest, who's going to admit to checking up on their ex to this extent. It may be a coincidence and this will be tested in future months if it happens again.

I know we are all guilty of checking up on exes but to reactivate and deactivate Facebook for a period of time is a little too much.

Does she still have feelings for him? Is she jealous of the new girl having fun with his family? Is she just being nosey? Am I overthinking it?

I accept it for when he takes their son, but I won't for when it's just him and the other woman.

Basically I'm after advice on how to handle this if it happens again. I didn't say anything as I wanted to see how long she stayed on Facebook for. As she came off when I predicted, I feel I need to potentially discuss is next time it happens and I'm going to assume around Christmas time. Can't wait for that haha.

I know she will deny it, I just don't know what to do when she does as I'll probably be told its all in my head...

Any help is appreciated thanks

When we got together she asked for loyalty, honesty and respect. If I'm honest she's not giving what she expects with this and i dont know what to do.

Edited Wednesday at 04:11 PM by sarnrt

[Gebidozo]

Personally, what would bother me if I were you is the lie, not the fact that she contacted her ex on Facebook.

I don’t think that communication with exes means that there are some romantic feelings present. But a lie would definitely bother me.

I think you should talk to her about that. Tell her you know that she lied. Just don’t be aggressive, don’t accuse her. Let her give you her honest version of what’s going on there.

 

[sarnrt]

14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Personally, what would bother me if I were you is the lie, not the fact that she contacted her ex on Facebook.

I don’t think that communication with exes means that there are some romantic feelings present. But a lie would definitely bother me.

I think you should talk to her about that. Tell her you know that she lied. Just don’t be aggressive, don’t accuse her. Let her give you her honest version of what’s going on there.

 

Yeah the lie is an issue for me personally but I don't know how to bring it up.

 

She never contacted him, just logged onto Facebook at the same time he was on holiday and logged off when he came back.

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you knonw she is logging on and off? 

 

[sarnrt]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you knonw she is logging on and off? 

 

Because she showed as a friend on my facebook as im still active. She went off on the monday as she was no longer showing as my friend.

 

I saw her on the wedneaday and asked her on the friday. She said she went back on on the thursday for a specific reason. Which obviously wasnt true. This is what made me question things.

Edited Wednesday at 05:43 PM by sarnrt

[flitzanu]

this is not to indicate that i don't believe your story, but this doesn't make any sense.

like, what even is the logical reason for getting on facebook when the ex is on vacation?

she isn't communicating with him?

she isn't doing this any other time, and only doing this when the ex goes on vacation?

what exactly is the motivation here, that she only wants to facebook stalk the ex specifically when he is on vaca?

the only thought i had was that it is an emergency way of contacting each other in the event something happens with the child, but that doesn't even make sense because clearly they communicate about the child in other methods.

[sarnrt]

10 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

this is not to indicate that i don't believe your story, but this doesn't make any sense.

like, what even is the logical reason for getting on facebook when the ex is on vacation?

she isn't communicating with him?

she isn't doing this any other time, and only doing this when the ex goes on vacation?

what exactly is the motivation here, that she only wants to facebook stalk the ex specifically when he is on vaca?

the only thought i had was that it is an emergency way of contacting each other in the event something happens with the child, but that doesn't even make sense because clearly they communicate about the child in other methods.

So in the last 3 months he has been on holiday twice at his familys home which is the othet side of the country.

 

Both times my gf has reactivated her facebook before he goes and deactivates it as soon as he is pretty much back.

The 1st time he took their son, the 2nd time he didnt.

They communicate well and co parent so theres whatsapp for that.

They are not friends on facebook, however she is friends with the family he is visiting with his fiance, the woman that he cheated on her with.

She said she went back on facebook on thursday for a reason that could only have been thursday. However i saw her on my facebook friends feed on the wednesday.

 

It could be a coincidence but its 2 holidays and 2 reactivations pre and post trip. She will deny it anyway but i think shes either being nosey or shes jealous of the fiance having the life she shouldve had.

 

She hasnt been on facebook throughout our time togeyher other than these times 

 

Hope that makes sense

Edited Wednesday at 06:01 PM by sarnrt

[sarnrt]

Reposting an earlier post in a shorter and clearer format

 

 

I the last 3 months my Gf's ex husband and his fiance have been on holiday twice at his family home which is the other side of the country. I have just noticed that each time, my GF has reactivated and deactivated her facebook account for the duration he is away...

 

For context, they were together for 6 years, have a 3 year old son and reguarly visited his family who live on another side of the country. He cheated with another woman 2 years ago. My ex wanted him back to work it out but he declined. 2 years later theyre divorced and the ex is now engaged to the "other woman"

We have been dating for a year.

 

Both times he has gone away, my gf has reactivated her facebook before he goes and deactivates it as soon as he is pretty much back. Im active on fb so i know this, although she told me the 1st time. 2nd time i saw her on my feed.

 

The 1st time he took their son, the 2nd time he didnt.

They communicate well and co parent so theres whatsapp for that.

They are not friends on facebook, however she is friends with the family he is visiting.

 

I assume she went on the 1st time to keep tabs on her son. Her ex doesnt send any pics or updates when he's away, even though she asks.

 

The 2nd time she went back on was a couple of weekd ago, she lied about when she went back on, id seen her on the wednesday but she said it was the thursday. I put it down to an error on her side but later realised she probably lied.

 

It could be a coincidence but its 2 holidays and 2 reactivations/deactivations pre and post trip. She will deny it anyway but i think shes either being nosey or shes jealous of the fiance having the life she shouldve had.

 

He is due to visit family in december, if she does it again then i will have to question it.

 

Am i overthinking this? Should i be concerned? How do i play this to prove what i think? 

Edited yesterday at 08:19 AM by sarnrt

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, sarnrt said:

How do i play this to prove what i think? 

Well, you won't be able to do that unless she admits it. 

You either trust that she's over her ex, or you don't. Which is it? 

[sarnrt]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, you won't be able to do that unless she admits it. 

You either trust that she's over her ex, or you don't. Which is it? 

I hope she is just being nosey, but if it happens a 3rd time, especially in a row then i will probably end the relationship.

I can accept it if the son is going, but if its just the ex and his fiance then i will take that as she still has feelings.

Edited yesterday at 08:51 AM by sarnrt

[glows]

If you are looking to get her to admit she’s a cheat then you’re already convinced she’s a cheat. What do you mean “how do I play this” for such and such angle. Your line of thinking suggests that you’re already finished and so done with this relationship that you’re looking for a reason to end it. The truth is you don’t need her to say anything or admit anything. You simply don’t like what she’s doing and you don’t agree with it, period. You also believe she’s a liar. Now why would you see any future with a liar or a cheat. 

So end it already based on your convictions and the fact that you don’t trust her. You don’t need her to prove to you you can’t trust her. Why do you doubt yourself at all. 

[sarnrt]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

If you are looking to get her to admit she’s a cheat then you’re already convinced she’s a cheat. What do you mean “how do I play this” for such and such angle. Your line of thinking suggests that you’re already finished and so done with this relationship that you’re looking for a reason to end it. The truth is you don’t need her to say anything or admit anything. You simply don’t like what she’s doing and you don’t agree with it, period. You also believe she’s a liar. Now why would you see any future with a liar or a cheat. 

So end it already based on your convictions and the fact that you don’t trust her. You don’t need her to prove to you you can’t trust her. Why do you doubt yourself at all. 

The how do i play this was more of a "how do i bring it up" sort of thing without sounding crazy. More the theory of the pattern rather than why she is doing it.

Im not ready to give up on her but i am now a little concerned over what i think ive pieced together. I have no proof she is cheating, part of me thinks she is being nosey and the other part thinks she still has feelings.

Im a little lost to be honest.

 

Edited yesterday at 09:07 AM by sarnrt

[sarnrt]

1 hour ago, sarnrt said:

Reposting an earlier post in a shorter and clearer format

 

 

I the last 3 months my Gf's ex husband and his fiance have been on holiday twice at his family home which is the other side of the country. I have just noticed that each time, my GF has reactivated and deactivated her facebook account for the duration he is away...

 

For context, they were together for 6 years, have a 3 year old son and reguarly visited his family who live on another side of the country. He cheated with another woman 2 years ago. My ex wanted him back to work it out but he declined. 2 years later theyre divorced and the ex is now engaged to the "other woman"

We have been dating for a year.

 

Both times he has gone away, my gf has reactivated her facebook before he goes and deactivates it as soon as he is pretty much back. Im active on fb so i know this, although she told me the 1st time. 2nd time i saw her on my feed.

 

The 1st time he took their son, the 2nd time he didnt.

They communicate well and co parent so theres whatsapp for that.

They are not friends on facebook, however she is friends with the family he is visiting.

 

I assume she went on the 1st time to keep tabs on her son. Her ex doesnt send any pics or updates when he's away, even though she asks.

 

The 2nd time she went back on was a couple of weekd ago, she lied about when she went back on, id seen her on the wednesday but she said it was the thursday. I put it down to an error on her side but later realised she probably lied.

 

It could be a coincidence but its 2 holidays and 2 reactivations/deactivations pre and post trip. She will deny it anyway but i think shes either being nosey or shes jealous of the fiance having the life she shouldve had.

 

He is due to visit family in december, if she does it again then i will have to question it.

 

Am i overthinking this? Should i be concerned? How do i play this to prove what i think? 

What if she says she is just being nosey, or its just a coincidence. I just dont know what to think at the moment. Just asking on here for peoples thoughts on their take from an outsiders perspective. Its hard when theres emotion clouding the thought process.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, sarnrt said:

What if she says she is just being nosey, or its just a coincidence. I just dont know what to think at the moment.

We can't tell you what to think, though. 

It's clear you won't believe her So you have to decide what to do with that. 

[sarnrt]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We can't tell you what to think, though. 

It's clear you won't believe her So you have to decide what to do with that. 

Im not asking to be told what to think, im just wondering if im overthinking it as it may be nothing. Hence why im asking other people for their thoughts.

 

The whole point of these forums is for advice. Im after advice. Does this behaviour of my GF sound suspicious or am I overthinking it?

Edited yesterday at 01:38 PM by sarnrt

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she is over him, no. 

[Alvi]

They are always going to be in each other's life because of the son that they created together. Only you can decide if you are OK or not OK with that. So, she peaked at him. Is it a big deal? I don't know. You cannot live your life by forever policing her on-line activities. You either trust her or not. Perhaps it's not as big as deal as you think unless there are some other red flags going on. Yeah, she is not over him completely but it doesn't necessarily means that she loves you less or is cheating on you. People look up their exes. It happens. It's up to you what to think and decide if you want to continue dating her. 

[glows]

Sometimes people get curious and are totally not interested. When I was married I remember clicking an ex boyfriend whose profile came up on social media as “people you know”. I poked around for a few minutes and saw he too was happily married and had a kid with his wife. I was happy for them. I had ended that relationship over a decade earlier. Closed the browser and completely forgot about it. Lo and behold ex husband did dredge this up years later during the divorce. Lol! To my shock I didn’t have any recollection at first and then realized who he meant. Clearly it impacted him but he always had trust issues way before I came along. Why he waited years for it to fester rather than talk about it boggles me.

If this was happening to me I would be more focused on why am I the one feeling so upset. Why is this triggering me. I trust my instincts so if something doesn’t sit well I just don’t linger too long being uncomfortable. Life is too short for that. 

I hope this helps give some perspective if anything. Ultimately you have just ONE life to live and it’s gone so fast so pick good company!

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, sarnrt said:

So in the last 3 months he has been on holiday twice at his familys home which is the othet side of the country.

 

Both times my gf has reactivated her facebook before he goes and deactivates it as soon as he is pretty much back.

The 1st time he took their son, the 2nd time he didnt.

They communicate well and co parent so theres whatsapp for that.

They are not friends on facebook, however she is friends with the family he is visiting with his fiance, the woman that he cheated on her with.

She said she went back on facebook on thursday for a reason that could only have been thursday. However i saw her on my facebook friends feed on the wednesday.

 

It could be a coincidence but its 2 holidays and 2 reactivations pre and post trip. She will deny it anyway but i think shes either being nosey or shes jealous of the fiance having the life she shouldve had.

 

She hasnt been on facebook throughout our time togeyher other than these times 

 

Hope that makes sense

right, sorry i could have been more clear too.  i understand the story you put out, but i mean it doesn't make sense what she is doing.

it definitely seems like something strange is happening, but thats what doesnt make sense.

if she was hung up on her ex, she could stalk him ALL the time.  why only stalk him when he goes on vacation?  that's the part that is incredibly weird.  i don't know what she is "gaining" by stalking only when he is on vaca.  
 

i think the fair advice is...be concerned with her "lying" to you, but it's hard to say that just because she is cyber stalking the ex only while he is on vaca means she is or isn't over him.  

[Sanch62]

If I had a husband and father of my child who betrayed me, cheated on me, and left ME for HER? I wouldn't exactly be able to guarantee you a future of no rage here.

If all else has been good in your relationship, then frankly, I'd feel for her and understand that, given her forced co-parent relationship with this dude who broke her heart, and his continuation with this other woman who is now the one on trips with him to see people I loved very much, uhmmm...she may still need to process whatever she needs to process rather than suppress it and get sick from it.

Making that forbidden might be instinctive, but it's not a great strategy.

If peeking at FB a few times a year is something she feels compelled to do, then here you go, honey--here's your comfort food and drink, and I hope you don't break the screen.

I'd support her therapy, I'd support her punching pillows, I'd support her group counseling, I'd support her any way I could. She has every right to an occasional "I can't effing believe this!" moment until she gets beyond it in her own way and her own time.

Edited 21 hours ago by Sanch62

[sarnrt]

12 hours ago, flitzanu said:

right, sorry i could have been more clear too.  i understand the story you put out, but i mean it doesn't make sense what she is doing.

it definitely seems like something strange is happening, but thats what doesnt make sense.

if she was hung up on her ex, she could stalk him ALL the time.  why only stalk him when he goes on vacation?  that's the part that is incredibly weird.  i don't know what she is "gaining" by stalking only when he is on vaca.  
 

i think the fair advice is...be concerned with her "lying" to you, but it's hard to say that just because she is cyber stalking the ex only while he is on vaca means she is or isn't over him.  

The holiday before this started they got engaged which she got a little upset at as he didnt and still hasnt told her. She was told by a friend. I wonder if shes waiting for the pregnancy news

[sarnrt]

7 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

If I had a husband and father of my child who betrayed me, cheated on me, and left ME for HER? I wouldn't exactly be able to guarantee you a future of no rage here.

If all else has been good in your relationship, then frankly, I'd feel for her and understand that, given her forced co-parent relationship with this dude who broke her heart, and his continuation with this other woman who is now the one on trips with him to see people I loved very much, uhmmm...she may still need to process whatever she needs to process rather than suppress it and get sick from it.

Making that forbidden might be instinctive, but it's not a great strategy.

If peeking at FB a few times a year is something she feels compelled to do, then here you go, honey--here's your comfort food and drink, and I hope you don't break the screen.

I'd support her therapy, I'd support her punching pillows, I'd support her group counseling, I'd support her any way I could. She has every right to an occasional "I can't effing believe this!" moment until she gets beyond it in her own way and her own time.

Thank you, that does make sense. It seems to have started after their last holiday when they got engaged. She was a little put out because he didnt (and still hasnt) told her.

I will bring it up with her next time, but only to find out why. I wont judge ot get angry but I just dont like the lies. Id rather her be honest but i understand its probably not something she wants to discuss.

 

Appreciate your reply

[sarnrt]

13 hours ago, glows said:

Sometimes people get curious and are totally not interested. When I was married I remember clicking an ex boyfriend whose profile came up on social media as “people you know”. I poked around for a few minutes and saw he too was happily married and had a kid with his wife. I was happy for them. I had ended that relationship over a decade earlier. Closed the browser and completely forgot about it. Lo and behold ex husband did dredge this up years later during the divorce. Lol! To my shock I didn’t have any recollection at first and then realized who he meant. Clearly it impacted him but he always had trust issues way before I came along. Why he waited years for it to fester rather than talk about it boggles me.

If this was happening to me I would be more focused on why am I the one feeling so upset. Why is this triggering me. I trust my instincts so if something doesn’t sit well I just don’t linger too long being uncomfortable. Life is too short for that. 

I hope this helps give some perspective if anything. Ultimately you have just ONE life to live and it’s gone so fast so pick good company!

Thank you, and yes we all look up exes. I think for me its the going back on specifically for his holidays. I think as shes probably expecting them to get pregnant as the holdiay before this started they got engaged. There are no other issues, its just the lies to go back on.

Would you bring it up if it happens again? Obviously in a calm and curious manner.

[sarnrt]

14 hours ago, Alvi said:

They are always going to be in each other's life because of the son that they created together. Only you can decide if you are OK or not OK with that. So, she peaked at him. Is it a big deal? I don't know. You cannot live your life by forever policing her on-line activities. You either trust her or not. Perhaps it's not as big as deal as you think unless there are some other red flags going on. Yeah, she is not over him completely but it doesn't necessarily means that she loves you less or is cheating on you. People look up their exes. It happens. It's up to you what to think and decide if you want to continue dating her. 

I think im more concerned with the lying. I think shes just being nosey as she is very nosey. Probably expexting them to announce pregnancy as they got engaged the holiday before this started.

Would you bring it up if it happened again? Obviously in a calm manner.