Seeking insight on a complex, long-term friendship with homoerotic dynamics

[Fanon]

 

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective on a friendship I’ve had with a woman for several years. It’s complicated, and I want to lay out the context clearly. I’m hoping to hear from people who have navigated similar emotionally intense or homoerotic friendships, or who can provide a psychological or observational perspective.

 

Background:

We were best friends for six years, from high school through college. Throughout that time, there were many moments that were emotionally and sometimes sexually charged, even though she identifies as straight. Examples include:

 

Physical closeness and teasing (cuddling, sitting on laps, holding hands, grazing thighs)

Flirtation during social or alcohol-influenced situations, including kisses on the neck

Sexualized gestures (e.g., scissoring suggestions, acting out fantasies I discussed)

Her being unusually attentive and reflective of my desires, almost mirroring them

Periods of tension when she dated others, followed by intense re-engagement when single

 

After college, we had a period of three years without contact. During that time, she regularly viewed my social media profiles (e.g., TikTok), even though we weren’t in touch. After reconnecting, (through her mom) invited me to Atlanta for a concert. She’s often playful, teasing, and somewhat possessive, yet simultaneously denies or minimizes romantic or sexual interest.

 

The dynamic:

Even after I confronted her about blurred boundaries, she continued to act in ways that echoed earlier homoerotic patterns. She sometimes mirrors or enacts fantasies I mention, seemingly to maintain emotional and erotic tension without fully acknowledging her feelings. This pattern makes me question whether she consciously experiences desire, or whether she is maintaining “orbit” through repetition compulsion, attention-seeking, or a mixture of both.

 

My questions:

 

How common is it for someone who identifies as straight to engage in this level of eroticized mirroring or possessiveness in a friendship?

How do people rationalize this behavior — are they usually aware of their attraction, or can it be unconscious?

Is persistent social media attention over years a sign of unacknowledged romantic or sexual investment?

How might I differentiate between strategic attention (e.g., keeping someone invested or emotionally tied) versus genuine romantic or sexual feelings?

Are there frameworks, psychological patterns, or advice for understanding dynamics like this without making assumptions about intent?

 

 

I’m especially interested in thoughtful, experience-based responses. I’ve read a lot about “repetition compulsion,” “mirroring,” and homoerotic tension in friendships, but I’d love to hear from people who have observed or lived through similar situations.

 

Thank you in advance for any insight or guidance.

 

 

 

If you want, I can also rewrite a version that’s shorter and more “forum-friendly”, so it reads less like a personal essay and more like a post that invites responses. That can sometimes get more engagement.

 

Do you want me to do that too?