Settle an argument for me. Is it still normal for married couples to have a joint bank account? I'm 43 F and he's 47 M together 20 years.

[CaramelSnow67]

 

I live with my partner like we are a married couple but we aren't married. He is the main bread winner. I don't work as I take care of a family member full time and recieve carers allowance. I don't pay for the mortgage or bills but I use all my carers allowance to pay for groceries for both of us. If I have an unexpected bill or I want something I can't afford then I have to ask him for the money like I'm a child. I'm usually expected to pay him back. I mentioned the other day that when my parents were married that they had a shared bank account and my mom never had to ask for money. My partner said that is only something that happened in the 1970s and doesn't happen now. Thoughts?

Edited September 28 by CaramelSnow67

[MsJayne]

I guess this would depend on how long you've been together, whether or not you were working when he first met you and got involved, the relationship between you and the person you're a carer for, (elderly parent, disabled sibling?), and whether there are other care options available for that person, and whether, when you first became a de facto couple, he agreed to shoulder the majority of the household bills indefinitely. From a purely financial point of view you're contributing very little, and from his end he may feel that he contributes way more than his share already by providing the roof over your head and paying the regular bills, hence he makes you pay him back if you need money for unexpected expenses. From a 'marriage' point of view he's being very unfair. You're his chosen partner and he's keeping you in a subordinate position by controlling the household purse strings. He shouldn't have to give you access to his bank account, but he should be prepared to support you without creating such imbalance. The way it is you're being made to feel like a dependent child, a financial burden to him.  Perhaps he doesn't realise that if you left him you would be entitled to half the house that he no doubt regards as "his". Unfortunately that's a wake-up call that many men experience as a result of their own stingy attitude towards living with a partner who earns less than them. 

[Sanch62]

I'd stop giving him all my money. Yes, it's common for couples to contribute a percentage of their earnings toward a shared account used for expenses, shared investments and shared savings. It's typical to create a monthly budget and a shared account into which you both pay a percentage based on earnings, even while you each keep your own discretionary funds after that contribution is met.

Forking over your full earnings makes no sense. Create your own savings account as a safety net for emergencies and your own needs. 

[Lotsgoingon]

He's being a jerk, a patronizing, controlling (likely sexist) jerk. 

And he's delusional. He's saying that only in the 1970s did women STOP asking husbands/partners for money? That is ridiculous. He should NOT be approving your money requests. You should discuss your money requests, but he should not be controlling things. 

You are supposed to pay him back for a money request? Come on now. You know that ain't right. 

[Els]

Is this family member whom you are caring for full time related to him in any way (i.e. his child), or are they only "your" family member? 

If the former: Dude is a controlling, unappreciative douche and you'd be better off leaving. If they are his child, he'll have to pay child support anyway.

If the latter... Well, that's a much greyer area. Your partner is obviously incorrect, in that many couples do have joint bank accounts. But on the other hand, what would you have done if he hadn't been in your life? If your carer allowance is just barely enough for groceries for 2 people, how are you going to support yourself, for instance if you left him? Mortgages and bills are generally the bulk of expenses for most people, and groceries for 2 isn't that much more expensive than groceries for 1.

Did you two make the decision for you to be the full time carer together, or was it solely your decision? Are there other options for you to work while you hire someone to care for this person?

Edited September 29 by Els

[Els]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

.  Perhaps he doesn't realise that if you left him you would be entitled to half the house that he no doubt regards as "his".

Sadly many countries don't recognize de facto relationships. Not sure which jurisdiction the OP lives in, though.

[basil67]

On 9/28/2025 at 8:26 PM, CaramelSnow67 said:

I live with my partner like we are a married couple but we aren't married. He is the main bread winner. I don't work as I take care of a family member full time and recieve carers allowance. I don't pay for the mortgage or bills but I use all my carers allowance to pay for groceries for both of us. If I have an unexpected bill or I want something I can't afford then I have to ask him for the money like I'm a child. I'm usually expected to pay him back. I mentioned the other day that when my parents were married that they had a shared bank account and my mom never had to ask for money. My partner said that is only something that happened in the 1970s and doesn't happen now. Thoughts?

I have a similar situation as I too am on a carers allowance as full time carer for our disabled son.   Husband supports us and we have a joint account which covers all costs.  I can spend what I like as long as I'm not stupid about it.  

I can see your partner's POV, and I do know some couple who have that rule, but it only works if the woman is able to work full time. 

[CaramelSnow67]

Thankyou everyone for your replies. I really appreciate your views on the situation. To give a bit of context. We met when I was a student at university aged 19. He was 24. We met online and he moved to live closer to me and rented an apartment. He could drive and had a car and a job so as a poor student it was easier for me to move in with him and get free accommodation. When I was 21 he proposed to me. After university I did get a decent job for a while and during this time he bought a house because he said it was better than renting. My name isn't on the mortgage or anything. I lost my job and was unemployed for a few years but he fully supported me during this time while we were living together. His job must have been well paid during this time. Eventually I got another job for a few years and during this time I contributed and paid for holidays and treats and meals out. When I lost that job he expected the financial contributions to continue so I burned through my savings and then eventually got credit cards and got into debt. My Dad was becoming elderly and struggling to care for my brother who has autism and suggested I take over as his carer full time. I didn't have much stability working but at least I have some stability on benefits and I need the money to keep making minium payments on my credit cards. I have considered going back to work part time or working from home. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, CaramelSnow67 said:

When I was 21 he proposed to me.

Did you marry?

[CaramelSnow67]

8 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Did you marry?

No we didn't. 

[glows]

I wouldn’t marry the man. Get a job to support yourself and put substantial savings aside. Split the bills proportionately or errands. Youre unfortunately stuck in a cycle of poverty and dependent on a man who doesn’t agree with you when it comes to finances. I also doubt he’ll ever marry you if he hasn’t already and has doubts about you as a partner. What was the point of getting engaged only to let the marriage itself become forgotten? It was as if the proposal was caught up in a fantasy and didn’t become a reality. You moved in for free rent at the beginning and now want access or a shared bank account. He probably thought you’d get a job after uni and continue to grow career wise but it fell apart. He didn’t bank on you being permanently dependent on him at least this early with no full time job or totally no disposable income or nothing left for personal expenses and entertainment for yourself. It was a roommate situation only from day 1. He won’t give you access to a bank account and he won’t marry you. I doubt he respects you and I am so sorry this is coming quite harsh. it would be a different story if it was such as in Basil’s where a couple is on the same page and aligned with finances and caring for their child. 

You bringing this up again will continue to create tension. I just don’t get the feeling that he respects you because his behaviour does suggest that he expects you to behave/pay bills/share costs as an equal. Him expecting you to pay him back means he is not willing to fund your entertainment or other expenses and you should be able to pay for yourself. 

I don’t actually think either of you are in the wrong or selfish. You just have complete and totally fundamentally different views.

[glows]

Regarding the thread title and question yes I do think it’s COMMON to have a shared bank account between common law or married couples(living together). Is it NORMAL? Personally? No not really, not to me. I wouldn’t want to share accounts, property or any finances. I can definitely appreciate the practicality though

Edited October 2 by glows