Man turned out to be married, should I tell his wife

[Positivevibesonly]

I had been seeing a guy for 4 weeks, started casually but I made it very clear that I don’t do married men.

it was high intensity, high passion for those weeks and then I found out he was married and I blocked him and he is now out of my life.

We had unprotected physical relationships because he told me I’m the only one, which is now not true.

a part of me wants to stay away from his drama but the other part wants to tell him wife on sisterhood basis. I would have liked to know if it was me.

[MsJayne]

Hmmm, think hard about that before you take the step. I understand your anger, you've been hoodwinked into breaking your own moral code, but do you really care about his wife's right to truth or do you want revenge? If it was my husband I certainly would want someone to to tell me the truth, but some people prefer to remain ignorant and might even get angry and shoot the messenger, not that it would matter as these people aren't part of your life, but it could cause drama. 

[Positivevibesonly]

Fair point Jayne, hence why I haven’t said anything yet. Thinking about it as my peace is more important and I don’t know the wife so I don’t care. She will probably find out soon or have her doubts anyway.

I'm not interested in any revenge, but want to be part of the drama.

if I even told his wife it would be anonymous anyways as I don’t care. But I just want to do the right thing by the wife.

 

[Els]

Tell her, but you'd probably have to be willing to provide proof (e.g. text messages from his number), otherwise it's hard for her to know who's telling the truth.

In the future it's also a really, really good idea to just not have unprotected sex with anyone early in the relationship, honestly. Like, seriously consider just making it a hard limit in the early stages, until you've known them for a while and you've both gotten a recent STD test. Talk is cheap, anyone can just tell you that they're not having sex with anyone else. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Els said:

In the future it's also a really, really good idea to just not have unprotected sex with anyone early in the relationship, honestly. Like, seriously consider just making it a hard limit in the early stages, until you've known them for a while and you've both gotten a recent STD test. Talk is cheap, anyone can just tell you that they're not having sex with anyone else. 

Agree.

I would be inclined to tell only because she should get tested for STDs. If he is lying to you and having unprotected sex with you, with how many other women has he had unprotected sex? 

[Sanch62]

You can sue him for misrepresentation and intentional deception. Even if you can't prove quantifiable harm to win, your suit will be public.

Edited Monday at 01:37 AM by Sanch62

[stillafool]

This is probably is M.O. and has done this to a lot of women.

[S2B]

I would tell her. She may or may not want to know.

but providing real info to her allows her to know what’s real.

then a decision on her part will be made… and that doesn’t involve you.

but since he lied and tricked you - I say yes, tell her.

how did you find out for sure he was married?

Edited Monday at 07:09 PM by S2B

[Positivevibesonly]

I found out because I found his wife’s Instagram and he was all over it. Pictures and videos when he said he was travelling for work and talking to be me on the side.

I still feel so stupid to be fooled into believing even though everyday my gut was saying something doesn’t add up.

I don’t want to be dragged in their family drama so will send an anonymous email that he is doing this with women - fyi, proof or no proof she can do the investigation herself if she needs to and get STI tested. 
not sure still how best to do this.

[stillafool]

I say tell her but he's just going to tell her that you're a bunny boiler who has been after him forever and is only telling her this lie because he rejected you.  That's how it will all go down. He sounds like a MM who does this to women for kicks and has his excuses on the tip of his tongue.

[Positivevibesonly]

You are right, he was an effortless liar, to me the wife was his mum and anytime he couldn’t chat he would say mum is keeping me busy and 1000’s of other lies.

so I’m 100% sure he has web of lies all ready if someone ever exposes him.

a big part of me also think I’m out of the mess why would I care- there are 7+ billion people in this world and I can’t check and punish everyone’s moral compass and destroy my peace more than it already has.

Im still not sure, the emotions come and go like waves.

most of you so far have told me let her know, so I’m inclined towards that 

[Positivevibesonly]

@Sanch62 well that also drags my name into filth, I’m a single parent with a respectable job so wouldn’t want anything associated with my name.

i did think about informing his employer as he does boast about being a very senior exec blah blah probably part of the MO to lure women.

could I inform his employer anonymously though. 

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, Positivevibesonly said:

i did think about informing his employer as he does boast about being a very senior exec blah blah probably part of the MO to lure women.

could I inform his employer anonymously though. 

His extra-curricular activities are not related to his job.  And it's certainly not a firing offence  

[S2B]

I think informing his wife is the way to go. What she does with the info is up to her.

create an anonymous email. A month after sending the info - close it.

Edited Tuesday at 08:56 PM by S2B

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Positivevibesonly said:

@Sanch62 well that also drags my name into filth, I’m a single parent with a respectable job so wouldn’t want anything associated with my name.

i did think about informing his employer as he does boast about being a very senior exec blah blah probably part of the MO to lure women.

could I inform his employer anonymously though. 

I thought you didn't want to tell his wife because you want revenge but just for girl code.  Telling his boss trying to get him fired is vengeful.  You are trying to hurt him.  You would do best to lick your wounds and move on if revenge is your purpose.  That never ends well.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Positivevibesonly said:

could I inform his employer anonymously though. 

What do you teally think his employer would do about that? 

His personal life is not their business. It's not like they're going to haul him into HR and tell him, "Look sir, an anonymous woman informed us that you are cheating on your wife. Please clear you desk and security will escort you out."

They likely would think you're nuts, and even if they didn't, having an affair in one's personal life isn't generally grounds for termination from one's job. It would be a futile effort to get back at him, because it won't go anywhere. 

[Positivevibesonly]

Honestly Im not going to tell anyone- but these are definitely thoughts which are coming as waves when I feel hurt, cheated, disrespected.

for more context, I’m single because of widowhood and he very well knew about it and I told him I’m still raw and healing from my trauma and he said all the right things to keep me interested.

I think all my feelings are valid and I need time to heal.

unfortunately my healing is slower than I would like.

But hey ho that’s just life I guess!

there is a bigger lesson for me to learn and work on myself tbh