32M broke a 2-year dry spell with 3 back-to-back 10/10 first dates. One ghosted, two are still in play. Why does my ego still hurt?

[Mylifeisajoke]

I’m 32, just came off a 5-year relationship and then a 2-year dry spell where I did not date or have sex. Zero experience in the apps until i downloaded bumble 3 weeks ago. Fast forward to this month: I’ve had 3 first dates in a row that were straight-up fireworks. I’m talking hours of conversation, heavy makeouts, crazy chemistry, and in one case, raw sex [  ] plans for round two. These girls are all mid-20s (26, 27), younger, hot, professionals. Im very selective in who i want to meet up with

 

Here’s the weird part:= Friday date ( 27f): Amazing night, 5 hours sitting at the bar, ended with an hour-long makeout in my car. Intense making out basically sex with clothes on. She clearly wanted [sex] but didn’t because it was the first date. We agreed we’d see each other again. I waited 3 days to text her asking about setting up a date for this next weekend. She UNMATCHED instead of replying.!

 

Saturday date ( 26f): Nuclear. Very cute, smart and sexy., [hot sex] Said shes never done that on a first date. we spent 24 hours together. and I am staying at her place this weekend

Other recent date:26f Also fireworks, just as intense. But she was moving too fast so i stopped things So in 2 weeks I went from nothing for 2 years → 3/3 insane first dates, broke the dry spell, and have a younger girl lining me up for more.

On paper, I should feel on top of the world. But my ego is bruised as hell over the one chick ghosting me after such a great night. Admittedly I want every girl obsessed, no loose ends. Instead, she bailed with not even an explanation!

 

Questions: Im still inexperiecned with dating because the long layoff and just LTR before that. Why would a girl who’s clearly into you (hour-long makeout, heavy escalation, couldn’t leave, telling me how hot and charming I am) unmatch days later? Odds she ever hits me up again? not that I could take her seriously now

How do you guys keep your ego focused on the wins (abundance, tons into me, sex) instead of spinning out over the one who ghosted? Im just ufcking shocked rn TL;DR: 32M, first time back in the dating pool after 2 years dry. 

Edited September 25 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Sony12]

It happens. If you are good looking, fairly charismatic and on a hook up site you are going to get a fair amount of action.

I'm guessing you are seeking out women looking for casual sex. And I guarantee you those girls that tell you they haven't done that before on the first date aren't being honest with you 

As far as your question. It's very simple. The majority of them were likely just looking for what you gave them and were ready to move on after it was over. Others who aren't strictly just looking for sex get caught up in the moment and think better of what they did once they have time to think about it.

Edited September 24 by Sony12

[Mylifeisajoke]

Not really looking just for casual sex, but if that's all a woman wants, I'm fine with it.   If I really like her I'd be open to being exclusive. I just dont get how you could check every box basically in what a woman is looking for, top it off with giving your a-game on a date and get ghosted! feelsbad

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

Not really looking just for casual sex, but if that's all a woman wants, I'm fine with it.   If I really like her I'd be open to being exclusive. I just dont get how you could check every box basically in what a woman is looking for, top it off with giving your a-game on a date and get ghosted! feelsbad

Be careful about these 20 something year olds hooking up with you on the first date. Chances are many of them are doing multiple guys.

[Sony12]

I would definitely go get yourself tested after your latest endeavors.

[Mylifeisajoke]

10 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I would definitely go get yourself tested after your latest endeavors.

Well the girl who ghosted we didn't [have sex]. It was just the one who I'll be seeing again this weekend. It's just crazy to me that the girl would ghost

Edited September 25 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sony12]

It's not nearly as uncommon as you think. I have had the same exact first date experiences you have had only for the young lady to end things before the second date happened.

Not uncommon for people to get caught up in the moment and then think better of what they did once they had time to think about it or sober up. You also don't really know how many guys these girls are talking to/meeting up with. 

To be honest if you are dating girls in their 20's many of them would probably prefer getting together with another 20 something year old.

 

Edited September 24 by Sony12

[smackie9]

It's just what it is....meeting up with total strangers....you don't know their game. Some might be married, have BFs, or attention seekers and when they ghost they found another opportunity. 

Edited September 24 by smackie9

[Mylifeisajoke]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

It's not nearly as uncommon as you think. I have had the same exact first date experience you have had only for the young lady to end things before the second date happened.

Not uncommon for people to get caught up in the moment and then think better of what they did once they had time to think about it or sober up. You also don't really know how many guys these girls are talking to/meeting up with. 

To be honest if you are dating girls in their 20's many of them would probably prefer getting together with another 20 something year old.

 

Yes true thanks Sony

[Mylifeisajoke]

Just now, smackie9 said:

It's just what it is....meeting up with total strangers....you don't know their game. Some might be married, have BFs, or attention seekers or they found another opportunity. 

Thank you, and for sure. Just not wanting to get in my head for next time and stay having fun. Like I said, very inexperienced dating, but this month has been crazy so it's a steep learning curve

[Sony12]

Why are you letting it bother you? The girl clearly was still really attracted to you or else she wouldn't have had a heavy make out session with you in your car. 

One thing you need to remember is girls get a lot more messages on apps then men do. Especially women the age you are getting together with. You made a significant cut just from them even talking to you let alone going into your car and making out with you or taking their clothes off for you.

You are having more success than probably 90% of dudes online. Just enjoy yourself. Continue to have fun. Try to be at least somewhat careful with what you are doing and if something more serious comes along it will. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

She clearly wanted to[ ]  but didn’t because it was the first date. We agreed we’d see each other again. I waited 3 days to text her asking about setting up a date for this next weekend. She UNMATCHED instead of replying.!

Why did you wait three days? 

10 hours ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

I just dont get how you could check every box basically in what a woman is looking for

You don't know each other well enough to assume you check every box for her. She had fun in the moment but that didn't necessarily mean she saw you as longer-term potential. 

Edited September 25 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mylifeisajoke]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Why are you letting it bother you? The girl clearly was still really attracted to you or else she wouldn't have had a heavy make out session with you in your car. 

One thing you need to remember is girls get a lot more messages on apps then men do. Especially women the age you are getting together with. You made a significant cut just from them even talking to you let alone going into your car and making out with you or taking their clothes off for you.

You are having more success than probably 90% of dudes online. Just enjoy yourself. Continue to have fun. Try to be at least somewhat careful with what you are doing and if something more serious comes along it will. 

 

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you wait three days? 

You don't know each other well enough to assume you check every box for her. She had fun in the moment but that didn't necessarily mean she saw you as longer-term potential. 

I had two dates back to back the next 2 days then work so I was pretty busy. Not trying to sound cocky but I’d say I check most of the boxes women look for long-term

[Mylifeisajoke]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Why are you letting it bother you? The girl clearly was still really attracted to you or else she wouldn't have had a heavy make out session with you in your car. 

One thing you need to remember is girls get a lot more messages on apps then men do. Especially women the age you are getting together with. You made a significant cut just from them even talking to you let alone going into your car and making out with you or taking their clothes off for you.

You are having more success than probably 90% of dudes online. Just enjoy yourself. Continue to have fun. Try to be at least somewhat careful with what you are doing and if something more serious comes along it will. 

You’re totally right. it’s the confusion that got me more than anything. Feels like my ‘welcome to the NFL’ moment, realizing you can do seemingly everything right and still get ghosted. Appreciate the perspective

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

Not trying to sound cocky but I’d say I check most of the boxes women look for long-term

You realize that we (women) are individuals, right? 

It sounds like you don't get that personal preference is also a significant factor. Just because someone ticks the proverbial boxes generally-speaking does not mean you are going to be what every woman is looking for. It's human nature. You can't be the right guy for every woman you meet. You will need a thicker skin if you're going to be on the apps in particular. What just happened with you happens all the time. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

I had two dates back to back the next 2 days then work so I was pretty busy.

Understand that some other guy might've struck while the iron was hotter. While 3 days isn't a huge stretch, some women are going to wonder why you didn't bother getitng in touch sooner if the date was so amazing. 

[Mylifeisajoke]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Understand that some other guy might've struck while the iron was hotter. While 3 days isn't a huge stretch, some women are going to wonder why you didn't bother getitng in touch sooner if the date was so amazing. 

 

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize that we (women) are individuals, right? 

It sounds like you don't get that personal preference is also a significant factor. Just because someone ticks the proverbial boxes generally-speaking does not mean you are going to be what every woman is looking for. It's human nature. You can't be the right guy for every woman you meet. You will need a thicker skin if you're going to be on the apps in particular. What just happened with you happens all the time. 

 

I do, but judging by how effusive and physical she was on the date, it’s interesting to me. Maybe you’re right given how hot and heavy it was, she might’ve gotten pissed about the 3-day gap. But if she really liked me that much, she wouldn’t have ghosted or at least communicated her frustration. Either way, that’s not a quality I’m looking for

[Sony12]

40 minutes ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

 

I do, but judging by how effusive and physical she was on the date, it’s interesting to me. Maybe you’re right given how hot and heavy it was, she might’ve gotten pissed about the 3-day gap. But if she really liked me that much, she wouldn’t have ghosted or at least communicated her frustration. Either way, that’s not a quality I’m looking for

To be honest my guess is that she had other guys she was involved with or at the very least interested in. Most women don't just go into a guys car and make out with him for an hour unless she has been around the block a couple times and done those kinds of things before.

 

 

[Mylifeisajoke]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

To be honest my guess is that she had other guys she was involved with or at the very least interested in. Most women don't just go into a guys car and make out with him for an hour unless she has been around the block a couple times and done those kinds of things before.

 

 

She was showing me stuff on her phone and i saw at least one guy texting her and another snapchatting her. I couldn't care less about that, I would've just liked to keep it casual with her go on fun dates and hook up but she went ghost for no reason lol. 

[Sony12]

32 minutes ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

She was showing me stuff on her phone and i saw at least one guy texting her and another snapchatting her. I couldn't care less about that, I would've just liked to keep it casual with her go on fun dates and hook up but she went ghost for no reason lol. 

You need to think about dating older women looking for a boy toy. They aren't as flaky as younger girls are and usually have a lot more experience. When I was your age I was taking my clothes off for a lady in her 50's.

Edited September 24 by Sony12

[Sanch62]

You're doing a perfectionistic sabotage against all that is good about your life. Treating one thing like a pebble in your shoe can be useful if avoiding it might be destructive--like forgetting to renew your driver's license or delaying dentistry on a hurting tooth. Otherwise, it's a useless way to harm your own happiness.

Anybody who'd easily jump into first date sex should be credited with having many irons in their fire. Even if you didn't wait 3 days, this woman may have already been crazy about an ex or a current lover only to return home to him waiting there with an engagement ring--who knows?

It's on us to train our ego to be resilient and stop making everyone else's everything about us. Other people have their own focus, and the likelihood of it revolving around how well we perform on one date is awfully slim. If you want something for your pride to enjoy, make that about how well you can shake off mild disappointments, rather than pretending perfect scores on every fantasy are the only way to be happy.

[Mylifeisajoke]

1 minute ago, Sanch62 said:

You're doing a perfectionistic sabotage against all that is good about your life. Treating one thing like a pebble in your shoe can be useful if avoiding it might be destructive--like forgetting to renew your driver's license or delaying dentistry on a hurting tooth. Otherwise, it's a useless way to harm your own happiness.

Anybody who'd easily jump into first date sex should be credited with having many irons in their fire. Even if you didn't wait 3 days, this woman may have already been crazy about an ex or a current lover only to return home to him waiting there with an engagement ring--who knows?

It's on us to train our ego to be resilient and stop making everyone else's everything about us. Other people have their own focus, and the likelihood of it revolving around how well we perform on one date is awfully slim. If you want something for your pride to enjoy, make that about how well you can shake off mild disappointments, rather than pretending perfect scores on every fantasy are the only way to be happy.

amen brotha

[MsJayne]

Sometimes you can be super into someone when you meet them, and then some tiny little thing puts you off. In the case of your ghoster it's possible that waiting three days was all it took to turn her off. If you were really into her a quick, "Hey, really enjoyed last night", the following day would have been appropriate, and claiming to be too busy to do that is BS, and she knows that because she's not stupid. It's possible that she interpreted your lack of contact as lack of genuine interest. For anyone who subjects their self to the social punishment that passes as internet dating tolerance can wear very thin and it can take very little to make a smart person shut the door in your face. You're not "everything a woman is looking for", no one is, especially if you're into multi-dating, that's one of THE biggest turn-offs. 

[Mylifeisajoke]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Sometimes you can be super into someone when you meet them, and then some tiny little thing puts you off. In the case of your ghoster it's possible that waiting three days was all it took to turn her off. If you were really into her a quick, "Hey, really enjoyed last night", the following day would have been appropriate, and claiming to be too busy to do that is BS, and she knows that because she's not stupid. It's possible that she interpreted your lack of contact as lack of genuine interest. For anyone who subjects their self to the social punishment that passes as internet dating tolerance can wear very thin and it can take very little to make a smart person shut the door in your face. You're not "everything a woman is looking for", no one is, especially if you're into multi-dating, that's one of THE biggest turn-offs. 

Phone works both ways. I was legitimately busy, and if she was as interested as she seemed, 3 days wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker. Attraction that fragile isn’t worth chasing

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

f she was as interested as she seemed, 3 days wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker

13 hours ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

But if she really liked me that much, she wouldn’t have ghosted or at least communicated her frustration.

You make a lot of assumptions about how other people think or feel. You have no clue what might be a dealbreaker for her or how she operates. 

12 hours ago, Mylifeisajoke said:

she went ghost for no reason lol.

She obviously had a reason. You just don't know what that is. 

Like I said, you are going to need a thicker skin if you are meeting people on apps, and you also need to reel in your assumptions about how others think and the choices they make. You're applying your own thought processes to people you don't know and assuming they'd make the same choices you would. That's part of your frusrtration right now.