Just broke up on his bday

[honda12345]

My bf broke up with me on his bday last Friday (my bday was a day b4 his). he said I couldn't trust him even we have been together for almost 2 years. I agree that I have some insecurity problems. He said I called him a lot and we fought a lot. And I agreed too and I told him i m a bit of a control freak. We both were crying bad. I told him to give me a second chance and he said he had done that many times over the last 6 months since I moved 4 hours away from him (for a job). LD is hard. He said when we fought, he would just swallow everything cos he loved me. He said one time he fell out of love with me and it took him a month to fall back in love with me again. But then we started fighting again (over silly things). I told him I would change and he told me I wouldnt because it's my personality. But I know I can, for him and us. So my plan is to tell him that i realized I am wrong. I trust his judgement and I respect his decision. Tell him that I still very much love him and I will work on my problems on my own.

 

Yes I want him back. But i dont think begging and calling him will work cos it will just prove to him that i cannot live without calling him (which was partly the cause of the break up). Do you guys think that what i m doing is mature? Feb 1 is our 2-Yr anniv. Should i do anything? Any suggestions? I really do think we have a future together

[UT_longhorn]

youre suffocating him. you need to go into strict no contact. this will give him some space and you some time to reflect on whats going on in the relationship. of course youre gonna say you'll change in the relationship. i think you would have agreed to anything when he said he wanted to break up. i know i would have when my gf broke it off. i think having no contact with someone that you love is one of the hardest things in the world. boy...that pain is no joke. if you keep calling or contacting..it will drive him farther away.

[Toronto]

It sounds like if there is any hope left in that relationship, backing off and nc will be the only way. He would have to choose to go back to you. You can't chase him down or change his mind unless he changes it himself.

[beangirl46]

Dear Honda,

 

Been there. I know the feeling.

 

Let's try to look at things long-term. You can try to get this guy back, and you might very well be successful in doing so. But after you do that, what then? Will he want to break up with you again the next time you have any problems or issues? Is he going to bail whenever things get rough? How does he approach life's difficulties-- with courage, or with cowardice?

 

I don't know the answer. I suspect that is something only you know, or that you will find out if you get back with him.

 

To get back with him, you can try "semi-NC." Don't maintain any contact AT ALL (resist the urge--busy yourself elsewhere) until Feb. 1st (your anniversary). On the anniversary, you can send him a SHORT and sincere note of affection. (You want to come across as purely and simply in love, not as obsessive or "psycho.") Then see what happens-- if he cares for you, he might get in touch. If not, that will be good for you to know and you can move on. (This note can be like a litmus test-- testing his love.)

 

If you still want to try to be with him after sending the note and getting no response, you can wait another 2 weeks or so, and send him another short, non-obsessive and SHORT (Short = non-obsessive) message that talks about some of the great improvements you've been making and all the wonderful things you've been doing. And then sign it "love" or something, so he'll know you still feel that way about him.

 

Semi-NC can be kind of torturous. But the good thing is that it can win him back, and test his love. You can also make it a goal to strengthen yourself within the intervals of contact.

 

Even if semi-NC DOES work, however, and you guys get back together-- the question of who he is still remains: Will he be able to handle any issues or problems that you have in the future? Or will he want to break up again? If it's the latter, you'll have to decide if you want to be in the relationship.

 

Good luck, and much love,

 

--BeanGirl

 

******************

"If I'm going to be a partner in a major law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead." -- Legally Blonde

[honda12345]

He called me today to make sure that i m ok. I told him that i agreed with him that we needed some time apart and that i still love him and I would love to see things worked out between us eventually. He immediately said no. He said he thought i was it but i m not. He said he had seen many happy relationships and ours is nothing like that. I said how about one month. He said how dare I asked him to put his life on hold to wait 4 me to come around. He said he had fell out of love with me since last August and tried to fall in love with me again. He said he is the type that does not waste time. He wants to live his life, go to grad school and go dating. He said we are perfect match for friendship. I asked him if he has met anyone. He said "well...we have only broken up for a few days." I think that sounds kinda shady...

[honda12345]

He called me today to make sure that i m ok. I told him that i agreed with him that we needed some time apart and that i still love him and I would love to see things worked out between us eventually. He immediately said no. He said he thought i was it but i m not. He said he had seen many happy relationships and ours is nothing like that. I said how about one month. He said how dare I asked him to put his life on hold to wait 4 me to come around. He said he had fell out of love with me since last August and tried to fall in love with me again. He said he is the type that does not waste time. He wants to live his life, go to grad school and go dating. He said we are perfect match for friendship. I asked him if he has met anyone. He said "well...we have only broken up for a few days." I think that sounds kinda shady...

[beangirl46]

Honda,

 

I feel like I've been there before too. That must have been a tough conversation -- Hope you're doing okay.

 

Frankly, I don't like the stuff he said to you. I've had someone I liked a lot say similar things to me once, and I remember how it felt-- it was frustrating and hurtful all at once. Don't let it get to you (I know it's easier said than done.) I was really hurt by it, but I made it through, and when I came out, things were better than ever.

 

I think you should decide what YOU want-- Do you still want to be with him after this? When I was in a similar situation, it was confusing-- my head said one thing (get out of this, he's not treating me well) but my heart said another thing (love love love.)

 

I know this might be very hard, but try to take your mind off this-- surround yourself with some positive energy-- people, fun things, or get busy doing something you like or that is important to you.

 

You need to care for yourself extra now, since he's not doing that. You have to care of yourself because 1) you will need to be whole and together if you want to get back with him later, 2) if you don't want to get back with him later, you still need to be whole and together so you can move on to other things and people, 3) most importantly, as you should know yourself, you are too fabulous for someone to want to bring you down.

 

Hang in there. LC is here for you. Keep writing...

 

-BeanGirl

[honda12345]

Honda,

 

I feel like I've been there before too. That must have been a tough conversation -- Hope you're doing okay.

 

Frankly, I don't like the stuff he said to you. I've had someone I liked a lot say similar things to me once, and I remember how it felt-- it was frustrating and hurtful all at once. Don't let it get to you (I know it's easier said than done.) I was really hurt by it, but I made it through, and when I came out, things were better than ever.

 

I think you should decide what YOU want-- Do you still want to be with him after this? When I was in a similar situation, it was confusing-- my head said one thing (get out of this, he's not treating me well) but my heart said another thing (love love love.)

 

I know this might be very hard, but try to take your mind off this-- surround yourself with some positive energy-- people, fun things, or get busy doing something you like or that is important to you.

 

You need to care for yourself extra now, since he's not doing that. You have to care of yourself because 1) you will need to be whole and together if you want to get back with him later, 2) if you don't want to get back with him later, you still need to be whole and together so you can move on to other things and people, 3) most importantly, as you should know yourself, you are too fabulous for someone to want to bring you down.

 

Hang in there. LC is here for you. Keep writing...

 

-BeanGirl

thanks for writing. I feel like he wanted to be harsh to me cos he wanted me to get over him... anyway i was the FIRST person he ever really dated. So maybe he wants to explore... I love him truly and i am willing to admit my mistakes. It's just he is not willing to give me more time. But for some reason i feel that he already has someone else lined up. if thats true, how should i deal with it...

 

Thanks

[beangirl46]

Hi Honda,

 

It would be kind of strange for him to already have someone lined up. Are you sure that's a realistic possibility? Sometimes in these situations, it's easy to read into things too much.

 

But if *does* already have someone else lined up-- someone in particular-- I would bail (i.e. get out completely and forget him/move on, sticking to complete NC.) If he does have someone else lined up, it might feel horrible at first, but it could also be a big relief for you, because then it will be clear that you have to move on, and it helps having a clear direction like that to follow.

 

Also-- from what you describe, he seems to be acting impatiently with you by not giving you more time. You may have made some mistakes in the past (we all do), but were they really big enough to warrant such impatience on his part? I'm sure he must have also made mistakes-- mistakes are a 2-way street. It's important not to blame yourself more than you should.

 

When I was in a similar situation as you, this is what I learned: You might love someone, but if he just doesn't get it, and is just too impatient to nurture that love, a relationship is impossible. I was able to get that ex back after a very torturous period of semi-NC, and to date him for 1.5 more years. He did seem to develop more affection for me. But guess what? That same impatient attitude he initially displayed never changed. Whenever things got rough, the impatience would always come out again. After awhile, I realized that I was blaming myself too much and that I was bending over backwards (at great expense to myself) to make things work. It was an absolutely unlivable situation, which is why the guy is now my ex.

 

I don't know what kind of love that ex had for me-- if it was love at all.

 

That said, everyone's situation is different. I do not mean to presume things about your unique situation-- I'm only looking at it from the perspective of my own experience with another individual.

 

-BeanGirl

[honda12345]

Beangirl, thanks for your caring. I guess it really doesn't matter whether or not he is seeing someone. It just hurts real bad whenever I think about him being with someone else but not me. People keep saying I should start meeting other guys. I just can't see myself dating someone else for some reason. I am a foreigner from hong Kong and he is from Ohio. I dont have my family here. I dont have many friends either cos i just moved to Detriot last May. So for a long time, he was my best friend, my boy friend and my family. He made detroit feel like home to me (even though we only see each other twice a month). And now he is gone. I feel so very alone. I just can't believe he wouldnt even give it a couple more weeks to try things out :-(

[beangirl46]

Dear Honda,

 

I know what it feels like to be alone like that-- alone, hurt, and shocked. I'm thinking back to what that time was like for me. It was very tough, and like you, I was very isolated friendship-wise and even family-wise at the time. But don't let it defeat you-- I know you won't. Here are some things to remember:

 

1) Someone on this site gave a great piece of advice once. He said: "Remember how you first treated your ex when you met him? Treat yourself like that now. Speak to yourself like you spoke to your ex then. If you dressed up for your ex then, dress up for yourself now. If you thought about him as the greatest thing ever, think about yourself like that now."

 

2) Be proactive. Go out and meet people. Make friends. Go out and busy yourself in fun things. Don't stay home and think about this, and try not to obsess, as hard as it may be. Believe me, the time will pass. I never thought it would for me-- It hit me like 100 tons of brick. But somehow, it did pass. Fight the battle into the future for yourself. Remember YOU. It's all about YOU. All great things start with YOU.

 

3) Remember other goals you have in life, or other things you are interested in. Busy yourself in those things.

 

Easier said than done, I know. But keep trying.

 

One of my favorite singers says, "Vulnerability is Empowerment." If you fight out of this, all your vulnerability will be transformed into magnificence-- You will be even greater than before. I know it's true.

 

Keep sharing. Lots of luv. . .

 

-BeanGirl

[honda12345]

Thanks Beangirl,

 

I am starting to feel a bit better. I am not blaming myself as much. But I still miss him a ton. But I still love him and want to make him happy. And if breaking up with me means that he is happy, so be it. Whenever I miss him, I pick up the phone and call my friends. My friends told me, when people are dating, they dont spend much time with friends and family. Now its time for me to reconnect with friends and family. I am trying. I am really trying hard

[honda12345]

I donno why but everyday about ah hour before my alarm clock goes off, I would wake up and then there will be flashbacks and I will start thinking about him all over again. Then i just keep thinking and cannot go back to sleep.

 

This morning I thought about how we kissed at the beginning and toward to end of our relationship. I remember at the beginning, we used to kiss passionately. Then toward the end, he would just leave his tongue in his mouth. And when i tried to kiss more strongly, he would either leave his tongue in his mouth and wait for me to finish or laugh or tell me i m eating his face... These flash backs are really haunting me. They really lead me to think that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and there is no way back. IT REALLY HURTS! I still want him back. Anyone with similar senario but the relationship ended up working out again? I know I shouldnt be doing this. But i just want some hope...