JuniperLS Posted September 23 Posted September 23 (edited) Looking for advice. I’m six years into my marriage, ten years into the relationship. Two young kids. We get along well but we have very little intimacy. This has been going for years. My husband finally admitted during couples counseling that he just has a low libido due to age. He will not do anything medically to increase this (like get Testosterone tested or take T to increase if it’s the issue). He thinks it’s not that big of a deal. I am crushed in ways and relieved in others because for years I thought the issue was our connection but now I’m worried that no amount of connection building will improve his nonexistent libido. He also won’t cut down on his crazy work schedule and that is a very touchy subject. I’m in my mid-30’s and not willing to be in a sexless marriage. My kids will be broken-hearted if we were to divorce. Do I just keep trying with counseling and trying to get him to see that passion is important and that it’s OK to ask him to slow down his work schedule? Or do I stop beating my head against the wall and move on? (breaking my kids’ hearts?) I’m scared I might not find someone else who is a better match as it was very hard to find him in the first place! So I’ll probably end up without passion and without my partner. I just feel stuck. Edited September 23 by JuniperLS
Gebidozo Posted September 24 Posted September 24 How old is your husband? If he is your age and this has been going on for years, then the libido issue is not likely due to age. How was his libido during the early stages of your relationship? I find it strange that he doesn’t even want to take a testosterone test. He says it’s not a big deal, but it’s obviously a big deal to you, so I’m surprised that he isn’t worried about that. Sex isn’t just about penetration. Even with a very low libido, surely he can find ways to be intimate with you and satisfy you? Have you discussed that with him? You need to explain to him that you aren’t willing to stay in a sexless marriage. He definitely should be more concerned.
Sanch62 Posted September 24 Posted September 24 2 hours ago, JuniperLS said: Do I just keep trying with counseling and trying to get him to see that passion is important and that it’s OK to ask him to slow down his work schedule? Or do I stop beating my head against the wall and move on? This sounds like a good question to ask your husband. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 24 Posted September 24 5 hours ago, JuniperLS said: I’m six years into my marriage, ten years into the relationship. Two young kids. We get along well but we have very little intimacy. This has been going for years. 5 hours ago, JuniperLS said: My husband finally admitted during couples counseling that he just has a low libido due to age I am going to say that age is more than likely not the issue. You're mid-30s; is he around the same age? If so, this started when he was still quite young and his reasoning doesn't really fly, but I will wait fot you to clarify how old he is. 5 hours ago, JuniperLS said: He also won’t cut down on his crazy work schedule and that is a very touchy subject. Maybe he's doing this also as a way to avoid more quality time with you. Some people throw themselves into work because it means they have a reasonable excuse not to spend much time with their partner and / or family. 5 hours ago, JuniperLS said: it was very hard to find him in the first place! What was hard about i? I sense there is a lot more going on here, and that a poor sex life is the sypmtom of some bigger problems that he isn't vocalizing.
glows Posted September 24 Posted September 24 Well I was with someone who was taking T and interestingly it didn’t have an effect on sexual desires. It had the opposite effect and he experienced severe mood swings and aggression/irritability. It destabilized the relationship and we called it off. I didn’t like the effects. Do some more research on this and if he doesn’t want to take it that’s his choice. I’d respect that and somehow come together and make a decision as a couple, if anything for the sake of the kids and do what’s best for them. It sounds very lonely for you. Most people with partners who work a lot have active lives outside the relationship and end up with close friends or joining clubs and activities to enrich their lives outside of the relationship. Your partner may not always be there for you but he should be there on things that matter. You have to decide if your heart is in it because being around an unhappy spouse isn’t going to inspire him to want to get any closer to you. You’re driving each other apart this way
Sanch62 Posted September 24 Posted September 24 Some couples who opt to separate to pursue better relationships also opt to keep the family home and take turns living in it. This way the kids enjoy a stable home base while the parents respectfully co-parent but alternately live separate lives outside the home.
LoveAndPassports Posted September 29 Posted September 29 You can't talk your way into desire, but you CAN create experiences that increase sexual attraction. Have you done anything so that he can see you in a new light? Sex isn't just about penetration...mostly, arousal comes from between the ears, not the legs (even for men)...
Els Posted September 30 Posted September 30 On 9/24/2025 at 2:57 PM, JuniperLS said: He is 47 That's quite a bit older - he would have been 37 and you 25, when you first got together. And yes, unfortunately this is one of the issues that happens with that big of an age gap. If you stay with him, there will be other health and lifestyle issues in the future, that he will be experiencing 10-15 years before you do. He should be willing to see a doctor if needed, however you should also be aware that testosterone supplementation isn't a magic bullet, especially at his age. There are risks and side effects involved (including higher risks of heart attack, stroke - all things that men his age are already susceptible to), and doctors don't prescribe it to everyone. How often do you actually have sex? And perhaps more importantly, when you do have sex, is it actually good, or is he just getting off and then going to sleep?
Author JuniperLS Posted September 30 Author Posted September 30 We probably have sex six times a year and it is good when we do. All the advice has been helpful, thank you. I think that what the issue comes down to is that he’s working so much that he’s just exhausted all the time. He has multiple retail stores and is in another position as well. With all that he has already, it frustrates me that he keeps taking on more and more, extra projects, extra meetings, etc. sometimes staying up all night - he rarely says no to work. I admire his work ethic but I wish he would try to slow it down for our relationship’s sake.
Gebidozo Posted September 30 Posted September 30 To be honest, no amount of work would make me only want to have sex with my partner six times a year. Working a lot or not, what I want is more like six times a week, if not more. And I’m almost 50. Of course people are different. But you’re clearly not satisfied with having sex six times a year, and I think your husband can’t just ignore that. No matter how low his libido is, surely he can do something to please you if you discuss that with him?
Els Posted September 30 Posted September 30 3 hours ago, JuniperLS said: We probably have sex six times a year and it is good when we do. All the advice has been helpful, thank you. I think that what the issue comes down to is that he’s working so much that he’s just exhausted all the time. He has multiple retail stores and is in another position as well. With all that he has already, it frustrates me that he keeps taking on more and more, extra projects, extra meetings, etc. sometimes staying up all night - he rarely says no to work. I admire his work ethic but I wish he would try to slow it down for our relationship’s sake. Ouch, once every 2 months is pretty low, even for his age. And it's understandable that a person working very long hours wouldn't have the energy for sex often, but as you said, this is a choice that he is actively making. Have you told him exactly how unhappy you are with the state of things? Does he know that it's bad enough that you are considering leaving?
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