Stuck in platonic co-parenting marriage

[JuniperLS]

Looking for advice. I’m six years into my marriage, ten years into the relationship. Two young kids. We get along well but we have very little intimacy. This has been going for years. My husband finally admitted during couples counseling that  he just has a low libido due to age. He will not do anything medically to increase this (like get Testosterone tested or take T to increase if it’s the issue). He thinks it’s not that big of a deal. I am crushed in ways and relieved in others because for years I thought the issue was our connection but now I’m worried that no amount of connection building will improve his nonexistent libido. He also won’t cut down on his crazy work schedule and that is a very touchy subject. I’m in my mid-30’s and not willing to be in a sexless marriage. My kids will be broken-hearted if we were to divorce. Do I just keep trying with counseling and trying to get him to see that passion is important and that it’s OK to ask him to slow down his work schedule? Or do I stop beating my head against the wall and move on? (breaking my kids’ hearts?) I’m scared I might not find someone else who is a better match as it was very hard to find him in the first place! So I’ll probably end up without passion and without my partner. 

I just feel stuck.

Edited Tuesday at 11:37 PM by JuniperLS

[Gebidozo]

How old is your husband?

If he is your age and this has been going on for years, then the libido issue is not likely due to age.

How was his libido during the early stages of your relationship?

I find it strange that he doesn’t even want to take a testosterone test.

He says it’s not a big deal, but it’s obviously a big deal to you, so I’m surprised that he isn’t worried about that.

Sex isn’t just about penetration. Even with a very low libido, surely he can find ways to be intimate with you and satisfy you? Have you discussed that with him?

You need to explain to him that you aren’t willing to stay in a sexless marriage. He definitely should be more concerned.

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, JuniperLS said:

Do I just keep trying with counseling and trying to get him to see that passion is important and that it’s OK to ask him to slow down his work schedule? Or do I stop beating my head against the wall and move on? 

This sounds like a good question to ask your husband.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, JuniperLS said:

I’m six years into my marriage, ten years into the relationship. Two young kids. We get along well but we have very little intimacy. This has been going for years.

5 hours ago, JuniperLS said:

My husband finally admitted during couples counseling that  he just has a low libido due to age

I am going to say that age is more than likely not the issue. You're mid-30s; is he around the same age? If so,  this started when he was still quite young and his reasoning doesn't really fly, but I will wait fot you to clarify how old he is. 

5 hours ago, JuniperLS said:

He also won’t cut down on his crazy work schedule and that is a very touchy subject.

Maybe he's doing this also as a way to avoid more quality time with you. Some people throw themselves into work because it means they have a reasonable excuse not to spend much time with their partner and / or family. 

5 hours ago, JuniperLS said:

it was very hard to find him in the first place!

What was hard about i? 

I sense there is a lot more going on here, and that a poor sex life is the sypmtom of some bigger problems that he isn't vocalizing. 

[JuniperLS]

He is 47

[glows]

Well I was with someone who was taking T and interestingly it didn’t have an effect on sexual desires. It had the opposite effect and he experienced severe mood swings and aggression/irritability. It destabilized the relationship and we called it off. I didn’t like the effects. Do some more research on this and if he doesn’t want to take it that’s his choice. I’d respect that and somehow come together and make a decision as a couple, if anything for the sake of the kids and do what’s best for them. It sounds very lonely for you. Most people with partners who work a lot have active lives outside the relationship and end up with close friends or joining clubs and activities to enrich their lives outside of the relationship.

Your partner may not always be there for you but he should be there on things that matter. You have to decide if your heart is in it because being around an unhappy spouse isn’t going to inspire him to want to get any closer to you. You’re driving each other apart this way

[Sanch62]

Some couples who opt to separate to pursue better relationships also opt to keep the family home and take turns living in it. This way the kids enjoy a stable home base while the parents respectfully co-parent but alternately live separate lives outside the home.