Is it worth trying to keep this friendship?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently had a falling out with one of the best friends I’ve ever had, let’s call him D. I’m 35 and he’s 46.

We met 8 months ago and quickly gravitated towards each other since we are very similar in values, personality, mindset, outlook on life etc. He had been going through a difficult time with his divorce when we met and I have been helping him process his feelings on that these last few months, something he has often expressed great gratitude towards me for. I am also close with his son; the three of us have been on many adventures together including a trip abroad with another friend of ours too. There was never anything romantic between D and myself; we both see each other as pure friends.

But a chasm that has formed between D and I of late has been a messy breakup that I had with a mutual friend of ours (he met him through me- incidentally all three of us had met each other at the same time). I was the one who ended the relationship, and the guy tried to get me back with promises to change some negative behaviours that were driving me away, and expressed hope that with time I might become more open to discussing things. But during a month of no contact that followed, he developed bitter feelings towards me and has no interest in reconnecting with me on any level or even talking with me, blocking me on every platform (just for context, he’s dismissive avoidant).

D had always said to me that if it makes me uncomfortable for him to stay friends with him, he could cut ties with him, since “I mean a lot more to him than my ex does and really helped him turn his life around the most out of all his friends”. I never said yes to this, always vouching for the two of them to stay friends- until recently, when my ex was very cruel to me. It was at this point that I felt I should tell D that it made me uncomfortable for him to keep associating with someone who was mistreating me to such an extent. D did complain to me that it would “sadden him greatly” to lose the guy as a friend (something he had never said before), but that he would do it to save his friendship with me. I then said, don’t worry, keep the friendship with him if it means that much to you. But the following day, upon reflection, D came to the decision himself to cut him off since he didn’t want to keep being “in the middle”. 

However since then, things haven’t been the same between D and I. The closeness that we used to have has seemed to have dwindled. We recently had a disagreement about something unrelated to my relationship but D brought up my ex again in a way that showed he may have been holding their termination of friendship against me. In all eight months of me and D knowing each other, we have only had two disagreements, both in recent weeks and both which have revolved around my ex. D himself said to me yesterday that the matter regarding my ex has led to “permanent damage” to his friendship with me. I feel it unfair for him to hold this against me when he was the one who had been offering all this time to cut ties with him, and the moment I finally agree to it after months, he turns against me himself. 

I am wondering whether to let this friendship come to the natural end it seems to be arriving at, or whether to try and fight for it. Both D and I have often said to each other that we are amidst the best friends that each has ever had. 
 

Thanks in advance for your advice

Edited September 23 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't believe in trying to convince people to stay in my life when they have already showed me that they are just not interested in doing so.

I would let this come to its natrural end. Whether or not it feels fair to you, you friend is showing you that he no longer has the same investment in the friendship he once did..  It's not about campaigning for someone to be your friend - it's about recognizing that your and his priorities have shifted and the friendship is no longer viable. 

 

[patriciakus]

That really depends on how the friendship makes you feel and what you’re getting out of it. Friendships should add value to your life — support, trust, joy, or at least a sense of being understood. If you find yourself constantly feeling drained, unappreciated, or questioning whether the effort is one-sided, it may be worth reflecting on whether keeping it going is actually healthy for you.

At the same time, if this person has been meaningful in your life, it could be worth having an honest conversation about how you feel. Sometimes people don’t even realize their behavior is hurting the friendship until it’s pointed out.

Ask yourself:

Do I feel respected and valued in this friendship?

Does it bring me peace or more stress?

Have I communicated my feelings clearly?

If the answers lean toward negativity and things don’t improve after talking it out, then letting go might be the healthiest choice. Friendships should be mutual — not something that keeps you questioning your worth.

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I recently had a falling out with one of the best friends I’ve ever had,

We met 8 months ago

aside from these things being rather incongruent

 

being friends with someone isn't a job or a task or a chore, it simply just "is", and especially if this is your magic soulmate best friend in the universe after 8 months, then nothing is going to disrupt that.

it's also not a good look to force two guys to try and fight over your attention like that, a person can have mutual friends that have split up, that person should have the decorum to not say anything about either party to the other.

[MsJayne]

Unless your ex was abusive towards you, (hitting, threatening, menacing, stalking, etc), D shouldn't have to end his friendship with him. If there was serious abuse then D should definitely cut ties with your ex, otherwise your messy relationship break up isn't really anything to do with him. Given that you've only known him 8 months it's not like you've got a decades-long history and he has a loyalty-borne obligation to dislike your enemies. It's putting him in an awkward position which is not really fair if he's formed a friendship with your ex.