Was I stupid to go along with this? [merged threads]

[Tennisnonpro1223]

39 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

and i'm simply telling you from observation of hundreds of these stories, him telling you not to go sleep with dudes and him saying how he isn't going to see other people...that's him telling you he's going to see other people and possibly already is.

So this would mean, he was lying looking me in the eyes when he said “I need time to myself but I am NOT going to see other people and we are not breaking up”?

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

So this would mean, he was lying looking me in the eyes when he said “I need time to myself but I am NOT going to see other people and we are not breaking up”?

Probably. 

The man is a drunk driver. Empathy and morals don't factor into his decision-making, clearly. 

[Sanch62]

7 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

So this would mean, he was lying looking me in the eyes when he said “I need time to myself but I am NOT going to see other people and we are not breaking up”?

He's already been seeing other people. He just doesn't credit you with being bright enough to figure that out. The way he treats you and speaks to you demonstrates this. Clearly.

Edited September 26 by Sanch62

[Tennisnonpro1223]

20 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

He's already been seeing other people. He just doesn't credit you with being bright enough to figure that out. The way he treats you and speaks to you demonstrates this. Clearly.

Based on?

[basil67]

You do realise that none of us know for a fact what he means, right?   

A better question is "why am I dating the type of guy who's going to kill someone one day?"   And the only answer to that is "because I also make very poor decisions for myself".   So what are you going to do about it?

 

Edited September 26 by basil67

[Tennisnonpro1223]

He certainly does drive after 3-5 hard liquor or wine drinks, all the time. But they may be spread out enough that he’s ok. Anyhow I know he doesn’t mean to hurt anyone else & just want him back. I just struggle to figure out how, when I truly don’t see what I did “wrong”; he just gets savage if I want to know he made it home safely from wherever and get 1 text overnight 

[MsJayne]

On 9/25/2025 at 12:51 PM, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

So I said hey it seems we have diff expectations in terms of communication but I’d really appreciate just the 1 good night/home safe txt we talked about. He blew up, calling me a “f*cking insecure psycho” 

23 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He told me I was “talking like a b*tch” with a “f*cking attitude.” He gets very defensive and mean instead of seeming to care that I’m upset

This guy is the bottom of the dating barrel,  you need to stop making excuses for him and stop believing his BS. He's toxic, you should ghost him, block him, delete him, burn any mementos of him. He's got a serious lying problem, he's rude, selfish, ignorant, arrogant, lacks empathy, and treats you like a convenience. He's using you, exploiting your tolerance. It could just be immaturity or it could be something more sinister. Maybe consider an STD check to be on the safe side. 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

20 hours ago, flitzanu said:

that's the thing.  you don't get to "ask for a break" in a relationship.  you break up, or you stay together.

asking for "a break" is literally ending the relationship.  and i'm simply telling you from observation of hundreds of these stories, him telling you not to go sleep with dudes and him saying how he isn't going to see other people...that's him telling you he's going to see other people and possibly already is.

i asked the specific question calmly, "so are we broken up?" and he said absolutely not.

[Alpacalia]

@Tennisnonpro1223 Despite everything your boyfriend says and does, you're still holding on rather than accepting that a respectful partner is a much better fit for you.

You don't want to be broken up with him, obviously.

You're hellbent on saying and doing things to pacify him.

You're questioning "if you were stupid to go along with this" because you're afraid he won't come back to you.

Most people dislike walking on eggshells let alone how he drinks and drives and cusses at you. Breaks up with you, ignores you, etc.

There's just simply no accountability on either end.

You might want to explore the concept of Stockholm Syndrome and also what it means to be an enabler. Just to be clear, I’m not saying being an enabler means you’re choosing abuse.

What it often means is that you’ve learned to prioritize keeping the peace—because that feels like the only way to stay emotionally connected to him and "keep him."

[Tennisnonpro1223]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

@Tennisnonpro1223 

Most people dislike walking on eggshells let alone how he drinks and drives and cusses at you. Breaks up with you, ignores you, etc.

There's just simply no accountability on either end.

You might want to explore the concept of Stockholm Syndrome and also what it means to be an enabler. Just to be clear, I’m not saying being an enabler means you’re choosing abuse.

What it often means is that you’ve learned to prioritize keeping the peace—because that feels like the only way to stay emotionally connected to him and "keep him."

That’s exactly what it feels like. Telling myself if I could just be more of a cool girl who doesn’t care that he disappears multiple nights a week… or is always drinking from noon onward… or who spends all the nights we do have together out at bars or having 3 drinks at dinner or at other people’s houses drinking instead of date night. Feels like my company is never good enough and idk why 
 

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

That’s exactly what it feels like. Telling myself if I could just be more of a cool girl who doesn’t care that he disappears multiple nights a week… or is always drinking from noon onward… or who spends all the nights we do have together out at bars or having 3 drinks at dinner or at other people’s houses drinking instead of date night. Feels like my company is never good enough and idk why 
 

You can be that cool girl, if that's what you want, but then you can't get mad at him when he disappears.

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. His drink comes first (and all the drama that goes with it) then you come last.

When someone’s addicted—whether to alcohol, chaos, or control—their priorities shift. They don’t show up for you because they’re too busy showing up for their addiction. And when you ask for basic respect, they twist it into an attack.

I can't with good conscious tell you to stay.

You’ve been gaslit into believing that asking for a “home safe” text is unreasonable. That wanting to know where your partner is makes you a “psycho.” That expressing hurt means you’re the problem. But none of that is true.

That said, he doesn't want a mommy that he checks in with,…he wants a partner who lets him …do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. 

Either you back off and accept…that you’ll always come last—or choose something better.

Edited September 26 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

Cool girls are not doormats. 

Where did you get that idea? 

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Cool girls are not doormats. 

Where did you get that idea? 

Well there's actual cool girls who are great fun and have good boundaries.   And there are some girls who put up with all kinds of nonsense in the hope they are seen as being cool

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

That’s exactly what it feels like. Telling myself if I could just be more of a cool girl who doesn’t care that he disappears multiple nights a week… or is always drinking from noon onward… or who spends all the nights we do have together out at bars or having 3 drinks at dinner or at other people’s houses drinking instead of date night. Feels like my company is never good enough and idk why 
 

You forgot to mention how he speaks to you. 

It's not that YOU aren't good enough, it's that you fail to recognize that you're too good to put up with this. You want to try to change him. Nobody can do that--look at his track record.

This is how he treats anyone who is willing to stick around for it. He doesn't respect you, and without respect your days are numbered no matter what you do. He'll keep behaving as he does, and if you put up with it, you feel like a zero bcasue you're treated like that, and if you speak up, all he has to do is yell at you like a bad dog, and you're back to square one because you put up with that.

He won't change. We tried to tell you this in your other thread. Now it's up to you to recognize that you are worth more than this, and I hope we can help.

[LoveAndPassports]

No...he said he needed a little space, and you're pushing the boundaries to find out what the limits are because it makes you feel insecure about your relationship.

Maybe you're right to feel that way, but it's hard to tell from your description.

I'm away from my wife right now because she can't control her temper. I'll go back, but I needed space to work and think...

Maybe he just needed a timeout, and didnt want that to mean he's thinking about breaking up...

 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

On 9/29/2025 at 6:45 PM, LoveAndPassports said:

Maybe he just needed a timeout, and didnt want that to mean he's thinking about breaking up...

 

I mean it’s been over a week since we saw each other. He said he was gonna hang out w friends out of town this weekend, but I replied with “cool, no problem for us to spend time doing our own thing... but since it’s been a minute since you said you needed space, I thought we’d make a lil time this weekend to be together if we’re gonna continue this relationship.” He then agreed to Saturday, but no concrete plans made yet. 

What I’m actually worried about is that he’s an alcoholic. Considering I know he drinks 4-5 hard liquor drinks before driving often (and once in a while swerves the car)… and also drinks liquor both before & after going out… and has also been known to have a Benzo or marijuana with all that alcohol… when he “disappears” for days or responds minimally (and also not active on WhatsApp which he used to use all the time), I’m actually worried that he crashed his car or is just trashed out of his mind. What is he even running from? I’ve never spent a day w him where he stayed totally sober 

[Sanch62]

44 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

What I’m actually worried about is that he’s an alcoholic. Considering I know he drinks 4-5 hard liquor drinks before driving often (and once in a while swerves the car)… and also drinks liquor both before & after going out… and has also been known to have a Benzo or marijuana with all that alcohol… when he “disappears” for days or responds minimally (and also not active on WhatsApp which he used to use all the time), I’m actually worried that he crashed his car or is just trashed out of his mind. What is he even running from? I’ve never spent a day w him where he stayed totally sober 

Have you considered attending AlaNon meetings for support?

Worry doesn't help or change anything; action does. If you are not ready to walk away from this man, then learning from people who are or have been exactly where you are can help you to manage your fears and operate based on real information rather than on emotions alone.

Edited October 3 by Sanch62

[Tennisnonpro1223]

BF flipped out 2 weeks ago due to a recurring argument- he spends lots of weekend nights with coworkers or guys’ nights where I’m “not invited,” then  disappears at night not even 1 text till like noon the next day. I asked him if he could just simply start letting me know he got home safely (as I pointed out to him, he often has 3-5 mixed drinks then drives and the car sometimes swerves when I’m in it). Apparently that’s too much to ask and he got angry and said he needed space but NOT to see other people or break up. 

1 week in, I mentioned maybe we should make a little time for each other if our relationship was to continue. He agreed and we spent half of yesterday / last night together and it was good -- no arguing, he took me out to dinner & paid etc. But today when I thought we'd see each other again, he says he continues to need space/time. 

I know he has limited emotional capacity- Says he’s never had a relationship beyond “surface level only, the way I liked it.” And he's 36. Has never been able to have a deep emotional convo with me or anyone else (I’ll talk to his buddy about his Childhood trauma, for example, while my BF avoids all eye contact & disengages). First told me he loved me by signing it in a card almost a year into dating, has never once discussed the future, refuses to talk about our exes, or anything remotely personal. Wants to spend all of our time together with at least some alcohol involved, and mostly w other people.

In this setting, AITAH for dating other men this week? Idk how many days you think I’ll just sit around while you need “space/time.” I didn’t even respond to that text bc like why. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Put on your Big GIrl Pants and dump this guy already. 

Then you are free to date whomever you want. 

[flitzanu]

as we said previously, someone "wanting space" and "taking a break" is them breaking up with you.

 

On 10/6/2025 at 10:12 PM, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

 

1 week in, I mentioned maybe we should make a little time for each other if our relationship was to continue. He agreed and we spent half of yesterday / last night together and it was good -- no arguing, he took me out to dinner & paid etc. But today when I thought we'd see each other again, he says he continues to need space/time. 

 

you met up and spent the night together, as in, he broke up with you, then you met up with him and had sex, and now the next day he doesn't want to hang out with you?

[glows]

I don’t know what is aitah. 
he may not have that emotional capacity if he’s never shown it in deeper conversations or cognitive thinking. Not everyone has/does that. Or expresses it. 

It doesn’t really sound like he’s ever done it for you. Past one year those rose coloured lenses of honeymoon stage are worn off. You’re seeing who he is as a person for real. Time to decide if he’s the one for you long term bc life is very short. Pick your company wisely

[Tennisnonpro1223]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

as we said previously, someone "wanting space" and "taking a break" is them breaking up with you.

 

you met up and spent the night together, as in, he broke up with you, then you met up with him and had sex, and now the next day he doesn't want to hang out with you?

No it was like this. He said he needed space/time but not to see other people. Then looked at me kinda aggressively and asked “That gonna be a problem on your end?” About a week later I said I figured we’d set aside time to see each other that weekend IF the relationship was gonna continue. He agreed. We had a pretty normal day/night no sex. Next day I tried to make plans too and that’s when he was like “I already told you I needed some time/space”

[basil67]

I'm wondering what's keeping you in this situation.  It sounds like you don't live together, so what makes it so difficult to end this?   (Serious question)

[Tennisnonpro1223]

At this point I’m getting annoyed. So he announced to me he needed some space & time but we weren’t seeing others, spends time with me over the weekend, but then the next day whooooa can’t hang out again bc “remember I told you I need time & space.” I actually ghosted that text, didn’t even reply w ok. Who is he to decide how much interaction we have since I’m being “punished” for doing nothing more than ask for a home safe text given that he drives after heavy drinking?

[ExpatInItaly]

What advice do you actually want at this point, OP?