Was I stupid to go along with this? [merged threads]

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

does anyone have experience with someone who’s avoidant like this, even calls himself a sociopath?

Yup. 

13 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

What would make it successful,

Nothing. 

It's always going to be crap. So, if you stay, understand that you are signing up for crap. You can't make this better so please be realistic about your expectations. It will always suck. 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants a little space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a blowup we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Is he just looking to control me?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

said he wants a little space / time to cool off and just be in his own element

So in practical terms, what does this mean? He doesn't want to speak for a few days, or? 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky

What is this about? Do you tend to oveshare with other people or something? 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

a blowup we had

I think we need more context. How long have you been together, and how's the relationship in gereral? What was this blowup about? 

[Acacia98]

It depends on how long this cooling off period is supposed to be and what exactly the point of it is. I don't believe in breaks and don't understand why problems can't be solved when two people are still in a relationship. If the man I were in a relationship with asked for a break, I would seek clarification of what exactly he wanted and if it seemed reasonable, I'd give him space for a week, two weeks max. Anything beyond that and I would start to disengage emotionally, so I would prefer to just end the relationship.

Edited September 23 by Acacia98

[flitzanu]

this sounds like he's going to go sleep with other girls, that's why he's telling you that you're not allowed to do that

[Tennisnonpro1223]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

this sounds like he's going to go sleep with other girls, that's why he's telling you that you're not allowed to do that

Well the first thing he said when introducing this concept was that he would NOT be seeing/dating other women. Then he seemed anxious for reassurance that I wouldn’t either 

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Well the first thing he said when introducing this concept was that he would NOT be seeing/dating other women. Then he seemed anxious for reassurance that I wouldn’t either 

that's 100% how these conversation go.  they want to assure you that they aren't planning on sleeping with another girl, or that they have someone lined up that they want to sleep with, and then you break up, then they sleep with that girl, and then they tell you that you can't say it is cheating because you were "broken up at the time"

 

[glows]

What was the blow up about? 
 

I mean..do you even want this guy?

[Tennisnonpro1223]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

that's 100% how these conversation go.  they want to assure you that they aren't planning on sleeping with another girl, or that they have someone lined up that they want to sleep with, and then you break up, then they sleep with that girl, and then they tell you that you can't say it is cheating because you were "broken up at the time"

 

sorry, I don't follow-- so if he genuinely wanted space after the fight and not to cheat, then he would've just asked for space or a break WITHOUT volunteering up front that he wasn't going to see other people?

[MsJayne]

Don't question it, just give him all the space he wants, and keep it that way. He can't semi-break up with you and tell you what you can and can't do while he has some space. I agree with @flitzanu , there's an ulterior motive. 

 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

Yes! I was like “look I respect ur need for space. If my car breaks down” -which it has been known to do - “I have plenty of friends I can call instead.” The fact that he kept saying “please feel free to keep contacting me rn” kind of ticks me off. Why WOULD I be the one to reach out first?!!

[Alpacalia]

If he needs space, then he should be the one to initiate contact when he’s ready—not expect you to keep the emotional tether alive while he drifts. 

Something tells me he is on his way out but …he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. That’s the vibe, right? He’s setting up a slow fade—asking for space, restricting your reactions, keeping the door cracked just enough by saying, "oh you can still contact me."

On 9/23/2025 at 1:13 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

What was this blowup about? 

Curious about this too.

[Tennisnonpro1223]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If he needs space, then he should be the one to initiate contact when he’s ready—not expect you to keep the emotional tether alive while he drifts. 

Something tells me he is on his way out but …he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. That’s the vibe, right? He’s setting up a slow fade—asking for space, restricting your reactions, keeping the door cracked just enough by saying, "oh you can still contact me."

Curious about this too.

Yeah, just don’t get the part where he right away declares he will not be seeing / dating anyone else. Like he would be setting himself up to cheat when he could just say we’re on a break (and then I could do /e I want too)

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Yeah, just don’t get the part where he right away declares he will not be seeing / dating anyone else. Like he would be setting himself up to cheat when he could just say we’re on a break (and then I could do /e I want too)

Because it keeps you on the hook. 

That declaration—“I’m not seeing or dating anyone else”—isn’t necessarily about reassuring you. It’s about controlling the terms of the break. He’s trying to preserve the moral high ground while keeping you emotionally tethered. It’s like saying, “I’m still loyal,” but then creating a dynamic where you can’t move, you can’t talk to others, and you can’t even confide in friends. That’s not loyalty—it’s leverage.

If he truly needed space to reflect and reset, he wouldn’t be setting up a one-sided agreement that benefits him. He’d say, “Let’s take a break and talk about what that means for both of us.” Instead, he’s defining the break in a way that keeps you in limbo while he gets to emotionally disengage.

Edited September 25 by Alpacalia

[Tennisnonpro1223]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Because it keeps you on the hook. 

That declaration—“I’m not seeing or dating anyone else”—isn’t necessarily about reassuring you. It’s about controlling the terms of the break. He’s trying to preserve the moral high ground while keeping you emotionally tethered. It’s like saying, “I’m still loyal,” but then creating a dynamic where you can’t move, you can’t talk to others, and you can’t even confide in friends. That’s not loyalty—it’s leverage.

If he truly needed space to reflect and reset, he wouldn’t be setting up a one-sided agreement that benefits him. He’d say, “Let’s take a break and talk about what that means for both of us.” Instead, he’s defining the break in a way that keeps you in limbo while he gets to emotionally disengage.

Interesting. I guess I saw it a lot more optimistically that he wanted to assert he wasn't interested in seeing others, and looked worried when he thought I might myself 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Interesting. I guess I saw it a lot more optimistically that he wanted to assert he wasn't interested in seeing others, and looked worried when he thought I might myself 

What was your argument about?

That might change my perspective.

[Tennisnonpro1223]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

What was your argument about?

That might change my perspective.

He routinely says he’s going out w coworkers & sig others not invited, or it’s a “guys’ night” only, then disappears as in I don’t get a single text from him until like noon the next day. I’ve known him to drive drunk meaning 3-5 hard liquor drinks and then once driving the car swerves a lil. He drinks like daily. So I said hey it seems we have diff expectations in terms of communication but I’d really appreciate just the 1 good night/home safe txt we talked about. He blew up, calling me a “f*cking insecure psycho” 

[ExpatInItaly]

What are you doing with a man like this? 

He is bottom-of-the-barrel, girl. 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are you doing with a man like this? 

He is bottom-of-the-barrel, girl. 

He only talked to me bc he was upset bc he didn’t want to have to text me when out drinking or whatnot; it’s not like he swears at me all the time 

[Acacia98]

Sounds like he's already engaging in extracurricular activities while he's out. Because, let's be honest, why on earth would anyone blow up about a simple request to send a message saying he's okay?

And, honestly, why is this something that would prompt him to ask for a break? It would make more sense if you were the one asking for a break to reconsider whether you wanted to remain with someone who'd been emotionally abusive.

Based on what you say, I think he doesn't like the fact that you were assertive about what you wanted from the relationship (better communication), so he's "punishing" you by asking for a break. The goal is to cause you to lose your sense of confidence so that you can be apologetic and feel you don't have the right to make any demands.

Anyway, ExpatInItaly is right. This guy is a lousy boyfriend. Apart from the fact that he has started being emotionally abusive, he has a drinking problem and he's selfish and irresponsible enough to drive while inebriated. You can do better OP. 

Edited September 25 by Acacia98

[glows]

4 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He routinely says he’s going out w coworkers & sig others not invited, or it’s a “guys’ night” only, then disappears as in I don’t get a single text from him until like noon the next day. I’ve known him to drive drunk meaning 3-5 hard liquor drinks and then once driving the car swerves a lil. He drinks like daily. So I said hey it seems we have diff expectations in terms of communication but I’d really appreciate just the 1 good night/home safe txt we talked about. He blew up, calling me a “f*cking insecure psycho” 

He’s not going to text you he’s home safe because he’s probably piss drunk and him calling you a fking insecure psycho tells you all you need to know about how much he respects you as a person which is nothing. This relationship has been over a long time ago and you holding on or talking about more communication is his ticket to disrespecting you further. He doesn’t give a sht about you. 

You didn’t answer my question about whether you even want this guy and maybe you’re in denial about the way he treats you and the lack of respect. Just something to think about. Instead of chasing after someone and trying to decode his disrespectful behaviours and words, why not consider at all whether you want him in your life? Turn the tables around.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He only talked to me bc he was upset bc he didn’t want to have to text me when out drinking or whatnot; it’s not like he swears at me all the time 

I am not talking only about his swearing. I am also talking about this: 

5 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

I’ve known him to drive drunk meaning 3-5 hard liquor drinks and then once driving the car swerves a lil. He drinks like daily.

I don't accept drunk driving, full stop. I don't date men who do so. This is bottom-of-the-barrel behaviour as well. 

Do you not see that? I am trying to fathom why this is okay with you. 

 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Sounds like he's already engaging in extracurricular activities while he's out. Because, let's be honest, why on earth would anyone blow up about a simple request to send a message saying he's okay?

And, honestly, why is this something that would prompt him to ask for a break? 

 

The only times we’ve ever fought were bc he disappeared all night when out with just guys or coworkers so I wasn’t invited (very recurrent pattern on Fri/Sat), and I say something like “I just thought it was a little weird that you never mention where you’re actually going & then disappear till the next day.” Another time he said he was incredibly swamped w work but could take an hour to meet me at the bar. I arrived first & there was a girl who’d just started dating  his drinking buddy. She casually mentions my bf was “in her house” earlier. Later I said “thought you were super busy w work?” The girl lives near him & he says he was out for a walk & she ?invited him in to look at kitchen renovations. He immediately blew up at me saying “I didn’t know we’d be alone together, didn’t realize my buddy had stepped out!” He told me I was “talking like a b*tch” with a “f*cking attitude.” He gets very defensive and mean instead of seeming to care that I’m upset

Edited September 25 by Tennisnonpro1223

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He gets very defensive and mean instead of seeming to care that I’m upset

Yet you continue to hang on to this guy. 

 

Edited September 25 by ExpatInItaly

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

sorry, I don't follow-- so if he genuinely wanted space after the fight and not to cheat, then he would've just asked for space or a break WITHOUT volunteering up front that he wasn't going to see other people?

that's the thing.  you don't get to "ask for a break" in a relationship.  you break up, or you stay together.

asking for "a break" is literally ending the relationship.  and i'm simply telling you from observation of hundreds of these stories, him telling you not to go sleep with dudes and him saying how he isn't going to see other people...that's him telling you he's going to see other people and possibly already is.

this guy is treating you poorly.

let him have his break, then block his number and move on and find someone that wants to spend time with you.