Was I unreasonable?

[Icantdoir]

My (37F) boyfriend (35M) has never been married and never even in a real relationship he says, just superficial. He drinks starting from afternoon (prolly 11am on weekends) every day. 6 drinks a night roughly. Drinks alone at home before I get there to go out, then 5 drinks when out. Sometimes the car swerves or goes over the shoulder. Anyhow it’s been a year and we see each other 3 days a week. Most Fridays he either has a “work happy hour or dinner” where SOs are “not invited” or is just “out w the guys” and the issue I have is he will totally disappear on all those nights, no text till afternoon the next day. Tried saying I’d appreciate if he could just text he made it home. Nope. One night he was out, I texted at like 10p that I had an awful work day, he claimed he was talking to his 5 year old nephew?? I said no prob call me when done. He totally disappeared, no call no text. Went to his apartment & car not there. Said in the AM I’d been worried. He said “I just went home and went to sleep.” I said “oh well your car wasn’t there” and suddenly the story change to he’d slept at his bro’s, which was total opposite direction from where he’d been out. Asked his buddy’s wife whom he’d gone out with if he’d crashed with them, she was like omg no and my hubby was home by 8pm. So next weekend same thing, he’s going out and it’s “just the guys.” At midnight I text him “hey it’s a lot of nights you’ll just completely disappear till next day and I tried to express it’d be great to at least text you got home safe but never happens.” Over this he broke up with me, calling me “f*cking insecure” and a “psycho.”

Another time he said totally swamped w work, could meet me for a drink at the bar (literally all our dates are around alcohol & other people). Got there first, met a girl who just started dating my BF’s new friend from this bar. She casually says my BF was “at her house” earlier that day. Once he gets there I’m kinda asking him “so like I thought you were super busy w work but you were in that girl’s house?” He said “You’re talking to me like a b*tch. You’ve had a f*cking attitude since I walked in.”

Says “I didn’t know her man wasn’t in the house, only came in to see the Reno’s done since she lives in my neighborhood and we were only in there together alone for 5 minutes!” 
Any time I’ve brought up how I don’t love the disappearing for half a day + not even disclosing where he’s going, or simply asked “what’s up w this girl saying you were at her house?”, he immediately goes into attack mode, telling me I “need a shrink” or if I get teary eyed “boo hoo aren’t you always the victim?!!” like a super angry reaction and says he’s “sensitive to criticism”

but he isn’t rude to me anything like this unless I voice a critique or something I’d like to have change

[Sanch62]

Quote

 

I cantdoir said:

...he broke up with me, calling me “f*cking insecure” and a “psycho.”...

Was I unreasonable?

 

Yes, you're unreasonable to believe you can have any semblance of a loving, caring relationship with this man.

He drives drunk. He's a danger to everyone around him. Rather than reporting him to prevent harm, you ride in the car with him. And you want him back.

Consider attending AlaNon meetings for some compassionate help, understanding, and learning.

Edited Sunday at 06:39 PM by Sanch62

[Icantdoir]

Well he got all enraged and broke up w me over me telling him I really would appreciate  a check-in whenever home from going out drinking. But now we’re going to meet and talk more. I guess I could tell him I’m not “f*cking insecure” as he says and the real reason I was so stuck on hearing from him was that I know from being in his car, that he swerves, misses turns, etc when driving drunk and just generally when I know he’s having more than 5 drinks every night we go out.  But it’ll enrage him even more - he’ll snap at me “oh you’re just so f*cking concerned about me aren’t you? So innocent.”

[Icantdoir]

What should I say when j see him tomorrow… maybe apologize & say I only asked for a text that he got home, because of how often I’ve seen him swerve the car driving drunk? And not bc I’m “f*cking insecure”

[basil67]

Do you know why he's never been in a relationship?  Because no woman with any sense would have a relationship with him.

Just block him and move on

[Icantdoir]

But he was doing ok the last year.  Brought me to family events, came to mine. He just seems to freak at the thought that routinely going out where SO isn’t invited, disappearing and not texting until next day is a problem . And now seems ticked off at me bc of it so I don’t know how to get him to want me again 

[Els]

I stopped reading at the first sentence. You need to leave, and then you need to go to therapy and figure out why you are so desperate for a partner that you don't mind dating a literal alcoholic who drives drunk and is a prime candidate for a manslaughter charge (or at the very least a DUI charge) in the near future. Leave before you're dating a man that has killed a family and is in prison, FFS.

[stillafool]

The problem isn't him; he likes his life and enjoys being a drunk.  The problem is your self-esteem.  Why do you think so little of yourself that you feel you only qualify for a drunk who has no respect for you?  It's obvious he's cheating.  Why are you chasing this man?  You're going to his house checking to see if his car is there and you're questioning his friends to see if he's lying to you.  His friends have confirmed he's lying, yet you're still there.  He's broken up with you, yet you're trying to figure out a way to get him back.  He drives drunk, yet you ride in the car with him putting your life at risk.  Is this your first relationship?

[basil67]

21 hours ago, Icantdoir said:

But he was doing ok the last year.  Brought me to family events, came to mine. He just seems to freak at the thought that routinely going out where SO isn’t invited, disappearing and not texting until next day is a problem . And now seems ticked off at me bc of it so I don’t know how to get him to want me again 

If you've dated before, you would be familiar with people starting out in relationships on their best behaviour, then their true self starts to show.  The man you're seeing now is the REAL him.