My girlfriend says I am abusive I am scared and depressed, please help me.

[ChelseaFootballTerry]

I’m 31 years old, neurodivergent and I’ve been dating my 28 girlfriend for 3 years. We met online and started dating, long distance after realizing we lived only an hour flight from each other. 

This is my first long term relationship, and we see each other every month and stay with each other and I genuinely love and care about her  but I feel like I’m slowly falling apart emotionally.

The recurring issue is that she often breaks down crying and shuts down over very small things, and it leaves me feeling confused, constantly apologizing.

Some examples:

I took one bite of a protein bar before lunch with my family while she was getting ready upstairs (we hadn't had breakfast yet as we were both getting ready for lunch). She got extremely upset that I didn’t offer her food, even though I planned to tell her lunch was soon. I apologized immediately, but she started crying, saying she’d never do that to me, and that I don’t care about her, and i should of offered her food and thought about her.

Another time, I didn’t hear her parents say something at a noisy restaurant because they have strong accents and the music was loud. Later she cried and said I made it seem like I didn’t want to be there and that I was disrespectful. I of course apologised and explain the reasons but she just dismissed it. 

Once she had period pain at 1 a.m. at my house, and I offered her Panadol and comforted her, but I hesitated to microwave her heat pack because my parents were asleep nearby and they hate noise at night/being disturbed. She cried, saying I was uncaring, and that she would always something like that for me.

Every time I try to apologize, she says I’m making excuses or trying to twist things around. When I stop apologizing, she says I’m not doing anything to make her feel better. This last hours, days.

This pattern repeats constantly. I try so hard to be attentive, gentle, and thoughtful, listen to her needs, but it feels like if I don’t do things exactly the way she wants, she takes it as proof I don’t love her.

She’s even told me I’m emotionally abusive, which absolutely shattered me. I don’t yell, insult, or manipulate. I express empathy, take accountability, and try to comfort her when she’s upset. But she just breaks down and shuts down when she feels im not caring for her or love her.

Here’s what makes it even harder:

She can be extremely thoughtful and giving. She’ll do sweet things, make sacrifices for me, and say she’d do anything for me, and I believe she means it. But at the same time, I don’t feel like my needs are really seen or respected. It’s like I’m either perfect or I’m hurtful, there’s no middle ground.

I can list off dozens of her needs, she tells me often what she expects, and I genuinely try to meet them. But I don’t think she could name a single one of mine. It feels one-sided.

I’ve tried to talk about this, that I keep accidentally upsetting her but she just says how i need to stop upsetting her so then she doesn't have these breakdowns. 

I’m scared to leave because dating has always been hard for me due to being neurodivergent. She’s the first person in years I’ve connected with like this.

But I’m also scared to stay. Because I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. I don’t even know if I’m in a healthy relationship anymore.

Is this emotional abuse? Is it just incompatibility? What should I do?
Any advice would mean the world.

[Gebidozo]

She is abusing you emotionally.

You should break up with her. Don’t let her decimate your self esteem beyond the damage she’s already done.

Get away now, before it’s too late.

[Sanch62]

My heart goes out to you.

If your best friend, or your brother, or anyone you deeply care about were to write this post or tell you the same things in it, how would you respond to them?

[Alpacalia]

Please know that you are not abusive. 

You’re being blamed for things that aren’t your fault. 

What's with her crying at every little…thing and turning it into a crisis?

That’s not normal conflict its disproportionate to the situation.

She’s using emotional distress as leverage and yes that is emotionally…abusive.

It’s painful to say, but necessary: when someone repeatedly uses their emotional reactions to control the narrative, punish you, or make you feel responsible for their every feeling, it’s a form of emotional abuse.

[ChelseaFootballTerry]

On 9/22/2025 at 5:07 AM, Alpacalia said:

Please know that you are not abusive. 

You’re being blamed for things that aren’t your fault. 

What's with her crying at every little…thing and turning it into a crisis?

That’s not normal conflict its disproportionate to the situation.

She’s using emotional distress as leverage and yes that is emotionally…abusive.

It’s painful to say, but necessary: when someone repeatedly uses their emotional reactions to control the narrative, punish you, or make you feel responsible for their every feeling, it’s a form of emotional abuse.

 

On 9/22/2025 at 4:54 AM, Sanch62 said:

My heart goes out to you.

If your best friend, or your brother, or anyone you deeply care about were to write this post or tell you the same things in it, how would you respond to them?

 

On 9/22/2025 at 2:02 AM, Gebidozo said:

She is abusing you emotionally.

You should break up with her. Don’t let her decimate your self esteem beyond the damage she’s already done.

Get away now, before it’s too late.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my first post I’ve been thinking a lot about what was said. I wanted to add more context because I’m still feeling really overwhelmed and anxious.

All my life I’ve struggled to connect with people. This is my first long-term relationship, and for years now we’ve called each other every night and seen each other every 3–4 weeks. That routine and comfort means so much to me, and I honestly can’t imagine letting it go. My family love her and think she’s sweet and caring, and I know she isn’t deliberately manipulative or malicious.

But when we’re together in person, the breakdowns can be really intense. Over small things , like me not bringing her food, not hearing something she said, or saying something the “wrong” way etc (like the examples in theOP) she’ll cry and completely shut down. Sometimes she’ll be in my bed sobbing, saying things like “I want to go home” or “Take me to the airport” It’s terrifying and stressful, because I feel trapped. I try to comfort her, but she pushes me away and dismisses anything I say.

What shook me most was our last fight. She told me and i quote, “I’ve seen this happen before, I’m scared you’ll be more abusive if we live together and that you’ll hit me.” I was stunned. I’ve never yelled, sworn, or laid a finger on her in my life. It feels awful being painted that way when I know it isn’t who I am. I honestly don’t even know why she said it????

It feels like a constant loop. Every time we hang out, or even every few weeks on the phone, I’ll “upset” her (by accident) so then I apologise or explain what happened ,she cries and shuts down, dismisses anything I say as an excuse, and won’t accept an apology, then it takes days of constant reassurance before she gets over it. I’ve actually brought this up with her before, told her how much these reactions leave me feeling depressed and how it affects me but it doesn’t register. She admits she fixates on things, but her attitude is basically: “well, don’t upset me.” "you upset me". It's like how i feel by her reaction doesn't seem to register with her?? How it really upsets me we can't talk through problems?

She never tells her friends or parents about this behaviour , maybe because she knows it isn’t right?? Meanwhile, I’d be comfortable being open about it, but I feel too anxious to tell my family because everyone thinks we’re this perfect couple who are about to move in together.

She often talks about setting a date, moving in, even buying a house. At the same time, she’s booked an appointment with a psychiatrist because she thinks she may have ADHD. I’m clinging to the hope that might help ,maybe medication, maybe therapy ?? but I honestly don’t know if it will fix these emotional problems.

I keep asking myself:

Can she actually change???

Do I really love her, or am I just attached to the comfort of not being alone??

Is this what a long-term relationship is supposed to feel like??

I feel completely lost. What do I do? Everyday i'm really scared and have this scared feeling please help

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

Can she actually change???

Theoretically yes, but has she shown any willingness to do that? The first step of any change is sincere contrition. Acceptance of the fact that she is abusive. Agreement to start therapy. Humble submission to the consequences of her behavior. Only then can there be a talk about real change.

 

1 hour ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

Do I really love her, or am I just attached to the comfort of not being alone??

If you’re questioning your love, then the second answer is already the right one.

But it doesn’t even matter. Even if you genuinely love her, you can’t stay with an abuser.

 

1 hour ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

Is this what a long-term relationship is supposed to feel like??

Goodness, of course not!

 

1 hour ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

I feel completely lost. What do I do? Everyday i'm really scared and have this scared feeling please help

Break up with her, explain your reasons, or simply show what you posted here. You need some time for yourself, get yourself into a decent mental shape. 

[Sanch62]

13 hours ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

I know she isn’t deliberately manipulative or malicious.

Rethink this, carefully. She doesn't need to intend you harm to cause harm, and her motives are self-serving at the expense of all else, including damage to you.

No, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. She is not relationship material, and there's nothing you can do to 'fix' her. That's an inside job between her and a good therapist.

I hope you will liberate yourself from this mess. It is likely the kindest thing you can do for her so that she will get the professional help she needs.

Edited yesterday at 01:28 AM by Sanch62

[ChelseaFootballTerry]

But what am I supposed to do? I don't want to walk away, i feel so much time and effort invested in this, furthermore, we have become each other's worlds, it's become such a habbit of just spending each night calling or playing games together, both of us dont' really have any other hobbies. 

But on the other hand i have so much anxiety and worry about the future, whilst she talks to me abotu buying houses, i feel i'm going crazy, i can't even tell her how i truly feel?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

But what am I supposed to do? I don't want to walk away, i feel so much time and effort invested in this

This is called “sunk cost fallacy”. When people agree to be miserable with someone simply because they’d invested a lot of time and effort into that person. Lots of people suffer from that, I’ve experienced it too. You must understand that it’s a wrong and harmful way of thinking.

 

2 hours ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

furthermore, we have become each other's worlds, it's become such a habbit of just spending each night calling or playing games together, both of us dont' really have any other hobbies. 

Another very bad thing.

Never, ever make your well-being dependent on another person. Never stay in a bad relationship due to habit. Never stay with an abusive partner because you’re afraid that your life will be lonely and dull without them. If you’re thinking like that, the very first thing to do is to become single and build your life.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, ChelseaFootballTerry said:

But what am I supposed to do? I don't want to walk away, i feel so much time and effort invested in this,

Research 'sunk cost fallacy' and make a better decision.

[flitzanu]

your girlfriend sounds abusive and exhausting.

no, this is not how "normal" relationships work, and she doesn't treat you properly.

 

[ChelseaFootballTerry]

****UPDATE****

 

So my girlfriend has just seen a psychiatrist for the first time who diagnosed her with ADHD and prescribed her medication and advised of therapy. 

I am hoping this could solve things?  Another thing I realised as she was talking to me about it, is how I am literally her only emotional outlet. I don't know if that's really normal in relationships but it makes a lot of sense now her ADHD/Emotional dysregulation + me being her emotional outlet has lead me to becoming so drained, exhausted and walking on eggshells.

I really don't know how to proceed now. If she will get better on medication? I feel i can't leave her. I know i have a problem my self. It's like i'm too emphatic, leaving her feels like abandoning a child that needs help. Does that make sense? I don't know why i feel this way... 

Maybe i need to just try and enforce stronger boundaries + her therapy / medication could change things?

 

Sorry for the rambling, I just really don't know how to go about this I know everyone is saying I should leave etc i just don't know.

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP. I'm running somewhere, so I don't have time to write much. Hopefully, I'll be able to come back and write more later. For now, I just wanted to say that her diagnosis and treatment are not going to fundamentally change the way she treats you.

The abuse and emotional manipulation are behaviors she learned from others from childhood onwards, most likely her family. That's how she navigates through life. That's not going to change until she acknowledges that what she's doing is wrong and chooses to do what she needs to do to (get counselling, figure out why she does the things she does, learns the necessary lessons, changes the way she treats you). I don't see that happening as long as you stay in the relationship allowing her to metaphorically pummel you, kick you, and spit on you (because that's what emotional abuse is, isn't it?). If you don't take the initiative to end the relationship on your terms, it will end anyway. It will probably end explosively and chaotically when you finally reach your limit or when she decides you're too "damaged" for her to continue with.

So for you, the choice is not really whether or not you should end the relationship. It's whether you should end it in the way that causes least damage to you both or in the way that leads to World War III.