Not sure I can see her as my future wife and it’s really bothering me? 29M 36F

[JohnCena22]

12 minutes ago, Els said:

Not a good idea. Besides the fact that it's kinda sleazy, you're also just making the breakup harder for yourself in the future, and you're preventing yourself from meeting a woman who shares your goals.

No, what she's doing isn't the same. She isn't as convinced as you are that there's a breakup in the near future. 

 

But why is that? Why isn’t she convinced of that? Because if kids are a dealbreaker and I’ve told her that, she knows there’s not long. Unless she flat out just doesn’t think? 

every time I’ve brought it up she’s told me to live more in the grey 

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, JohnCena22 said:

But why is that? Why isn’t she convinced of that? Because if kids are a dealbreaker and I’ve told her that, she knows there’s not long. Unless she flat out just doesn’t think? 

every time I’ve brought it up she’s told me to live more in the grey 

She doesn't share your urgency. This is your dealbreaker, not hers. She's explained that her position is to wait and get to know one another to see where you'll both want to stand on the heavy stuff. If you don't have the patience for that, it doesn't make you a villain, it's just up to you to operate in your own best interests.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you and her are compatible at all. Not for anything serious, anyway. 

Your long-term visions and approach to relationships are totally different and not the basis for a thriving, long-term union. 

[SurfCity]

 

23 hours ago, JohnCena22 said:

But why is that? Why isn’t she convinced of that? Because if kids are a dealbreaker and I’ve told her that, she knows there’s not long. Unless she flat out just doesn’t think? 

Because option 2 is reasonable for 80-90% of people.

Quote

2. Keep dating her and have kids in 2 years.

There seems to be some other reason for why you want to break up with her but you won't admit it to yourself. Just break up if that's what you want, but it seems like you have some sort of expectation that she should end the relationship for you.

[Els]

On 9/22/2025 at 8:56 PM, JohnCena22 said:

But why is that? Why isn’t she convinced of that? Because if kids are a dealbreaker and I’ve told her that, she knows there’s not long. Unless she flat out just doesn’t think? 

every time I’ve brought it up she’s told me to live more in the grey 

The question here is why can't you end this relationship if you're certain that this is what you want? As the person with the dealbreaker, it is YOUR responsibility.

You have a lot of rigid rules on what you "must have" in a relationship, and that's entirely your prerogative, but you also need to have the gumption to actually make (and carry out) the difficult decisions if these things mean so much to you. Otherwise you're just going to set yourself up for disappointment and problems down the road.

[JohnCena22]

1 hour ago, Els said:

The question here is why can't you end this relationship if you're certain that this is what you want? As the person with the dealbreaker, it is YOUR responsibility.

You have a lot of rigid rules on what you "must have" in a relationship, and that's entirely your prerogative, but you also need to have the gumption to actually make (and carry out) the difficult decisions if these things mean so much to you. Otherwise you're just going to set yourself up for disappointment and problems down the road.

Because I’m terrified of hurting her. And losing someone i care about 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JohnCena22 said:

Because I’m terrified of hurting her. And losing someone i care about 

She will be hurt more and pissed off if you prolong the inevitable breakup.  There is no way to get out of this without someone getting hurt and most likely it will be you.  But, from the way you're talking, you will regret it later if you don't break up with her.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She will be hurt more and pissed off if you prolong the inevitable breakup.

She can't blame you for the feelings you have that she may be too old as a life partner for you.  However, she can blame you for wasting her time and not ending it when you decided that.  No one deserves to be led and strung on when the other knows you are not what they want.

[Els]

On 9/24/2025 at 4:10 AM, JohnCena22 said:

Because I’m terrified of hurting her. And losing someone i care about 

If you already know it's going to happen regardless, then sooner is far better than later. As for losing someone... unfortunately, you just have to adult up and accept it as one of the sacrifices you'll make in order to have what you want (bio kids). And believe you me, it will only be the first of many, many, many sacrifices that you will be making for your kids, if you are a decent parent.