Not sure I can see her as my future wife and it’s really bothering me? 29M 36F

[JohnCena22]

 

Ive been dating someone for 2 and a half months. Generally it’s really nice but the age gap often bothers me. It makes me feel time pressure.

My parents just came back from a wedding and they were talking about it. How they were together 5 years and shes the love of his life. How they’re the same age and are starting to think about a family.

It’s making me really anxious that i should have met someone i want to marry by now. Or I should be meeting them this instant.

I’m shes it because shes 7 years older than me. But so far this has been one of the more healthy relationships I’ve ever had. And it’s also only been 2.5 months.

I really like and care about her. But I’m really unsure about the long term future. And I’m starting to feel quite paralysed. There’s this mix between really liking what we have right now. And really feeling uncertain about the long term.

I’m really not sure what to do.

[Gebidozo]

Two and a half months is way, way too early to think about anything even remotely resembling marriage.

Is your girlfriend the one who’s pressuring you? Because if she isn’t, ignore whatever your parents or anyone else is saying. If you’re both fine with the pace you’re taking, there is no problem and absolutely no need to make long-term plans that stress you out. 

Edited September 19 by Gebidozo

[JohnCena22]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Two and a half months is way, way too early to think about anything even remotely resembling marriage.

Is your girlfriend the one who’s pressuring you? Because if she isn’t, ignore whatever your parents or anyone else is saying. If you’re both fine with the pace you’re taking, there is no problem and absolutely no need to make long-term plans that stress you out. 

No she’s not pressuring me. It’s more me. I feel very anxious all the time with the age gap and I’m not sure where it’s heading. Or if I’ll be able to deal with the age gap long term. Or kids. Etc 

[stillafool]

It's only been 2-1/2 months so that's not very long.  Since you're bothered by the age gap break up with her and find a woman your age or younger.  Let her go so she can be with a person who wants her.  It's best to break up now than to wait because you are wasting her time.

[Sanch62]

Consider speaking with someone who is neutral and not invested in whatever they may want FOR you. Consider a therapist or a coach who is trained to guide you with good questions. Then you can get to the root of your fears and learn how to identify some things you may be mistaking as facts when they are not.

Your best thinking is only drilling you into a loop. Wouldn't it be a relief to get that all out of your system with someone who can teach you how to make better use of all that effort?

Edited September 19 by Sanch62

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, JohnCena22 said:

 

Ive been dating someone for 2 and a half months. Generally it’s really nice but the age gap often bothers me. It makes me feel time pressure.

My parents just came back from a wedding and they were talking about it. How they were together 5 years and shes the love of his life. How they’re the same age and are starting to think about a family.

It’s making me really anxious that i should have met someone i want to marry by now. Or I should be meeting them this instant.

I’m shes it because shes 7 years older than me. But so far this has been one of the more healthy relationships I’ve ever had. And it’s also only been 2.5 months.

I really like and care about her. But I’m really unsure about the long term future. And I’m starting to feel quite paralysed. There’s this mix between really liking what we have right now. And really feeling uncertain about the long term.

I’m really not sure what to do.

Thinking already about marriage. That's way too much pressure guy. Ride it out a bit, relationships go through this uncertainty period.

…and that’s part of the magic, really. It’s messy, it’s confusing, it’s thrilling. You’re not supposed to have all the answers right now. 

Edited Friday at 10:47 PM by Alpacalia

[Els]

On 9/20/2025 at 2:48 AM, JohnCena22 said:

No she’s not pressuring me. It’s more me. I feel very anxious all the time with the age gap and I’m not sure where it’s heading. Or if I’ll be able to deal with the age gap long term. Or kids. Etc 

Your "age gap" is only 7 years and you're both in your 30s (or almost there, in your case). It's non-consequential. 

The only issue here is biological kids, if that's something that you and your partner are sure that you want. But frankly if having bio kids is something that your partner was 100% sure she wanted, she probably would already have had them, even if she needed to use a sperm donor. So is it YOU who is sure you want them and are afraid that she can't have them? Have you talked to her about this?

Aside from that, nobody knows "for sure" that they want to marry a person they've only known for 2.5 months. And if anyone thinks they do, they're delusional.

[JohnCena22]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Your "age gap" is only 7 years and you're both in your 30s (or almost there, in your case). It's non-consequential. 

The only issue here is biological kids, if that's something that you and your partner are sure that you want. But frankly if having bio kids is something that your partner was 100% sure she wanted, she probably would already have had them, even if she needed to use a sperm donor. So is it YOU who is sure you want them and are afraid that she can't have them? Have you talked to her about this?

Aside from that, nobody knows "for sure" that they want to marry a person they've only known for 2.5 months. And if anyone thinks they do, they're delusional.

The kids thing is what really bothers me. She’s basically said if we go on long enough and she thinks I’m the right person for it, then we’d do it. Otherwise she’s ok with not having them. 
 

I want them 100% at some point. But not sure when.
 

god this is horrible  

[Els]

55 minutes ago, JohnCena22 said:

The kids thing is what really bothers me. She’s basically said if we go on long enough and she thinks I’m the right person for it, then we’d do it. Otherwise she’s ok with not having them. 
 

I want them 100% at some point. But not sure when.
 

god this is horrible  

You "100% want kids", but you're almost 30 and you are still "not sure when" you'd want them? Are you sure you want them, then, or is this one of those things that you feel you "should" want because that's what society says? Because if it was that important to you, IMO by this age you'd usually have an inkling of when you'd want them.

Regardless, I think it's fine for you to just carry on dating her, if you like her, and see how things go. If you feel this relationship isn't right for you later down the road, you can always just stop. You wouldn't be leading her on or anything like that, since she's okay with not having bio kids.

 

[JohnCena22]

33 minutes ago, Els said:

You "100% want kids", but you're almost 30 and you are still "not sure when" you'd want them? Are you sure you want them, then, or is this one of those things that you feel you "should" want because that's what society says? Because if it was that important to you, IMO by this age you'd usually have an inkling of when you'd want them.

Regardless, I think it's fine for you to just carry on dating her, if you like her, and see how things go. If you feel this relationship isn't right for you later down the road, you can always just stop. You wouldn't be leading her on or anything like that, since she's okay with not having bio kids.

 

I figured I’d want them around my mid 30s 

[Els]

2 hours ago, JohnCena22 said:

I figured I’d want them around my mid 30s 

Sounds like you know when you want them, then. Have you talked to her about this?

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, JohnCena22 said:

I want them 100% at some point. But not sure when.
...god this is horrible  

What's horrible about it? The goal of dating is to learn whether a potential partner might become a great partner or whether any deal-breakers might emerge.

You're projecting a premature deal-breaker onto an unknown. She's not nixing children, just reserving room to learn whether the two of you might mesh as a couple. That's a natural position for anyone at any age to take at such a short time of dating.

Meanwhile, you're not the one with the finite fertility window, so playing this out doesn't cost you anything. If she wants children in the future she can freeze her eggs or otherwise attempt to join the legions of women who've successfully birthed babies in their late 30's or early 40's. Risks? Yes. But everything worth pursuing is a risk.

Three months is no time to know anything beyond your own feelings about her. If you're latching onto an arbitrary calendar as a reason to break up, then that's not likely the only reason. Otherwise, you'd be more invested in giving yourself time without superimposing your parents' celebrations of others as some judgment against you for not jumping onto on an imaginary assembly line of churning out babies.

[JohnCena22]

7 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

What's horrible about it? The goal of dating is to learn whether a potential partner might become a great partner or whether any deal-breakers might emerge.

You're projecting a premature deal-breaker onto an unknown. She's not nixing children, just reserving room to learn whether the two of you might mesh as a couple. That's a natural position for anyone at any age to take at such a short time of dating.

Meanwhile, you're not the one with the finite fertility window, so playing this out doesn't cost you anything. If she wants children in the future she can freeze her eggs or otherwise attempt to join the legions of women who've successfully birthed babies in their late 30's or early 40's. Risks? Yes. But everything worth pursuing is a risk.

Three months is no time to know anything beyond your own feelings about her. If you're latching onto an arbitrary calendar as a reason to break up, then that's not likely the only reason. Otherwise, you'd be more invested in giving yourself time without superimposing your parents' celebrations of others as some judgment against you for not jumping onto on an imaginary assembly line of churning out babies.

Because what happens if she’s not? Then I’ve got to break her heart and mine in tandem. I know I have time. But my feelings exist too. 
 

if we do mesh as a couple. What then? Just abandon my hopes of having kids? Adopt? (I don’t want to). She’s 36 shouldn’t she be freezing her eggs now if she actually wants them?

[JohnCena22]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Sounds like you know when you want them, then. Have you talked to her about this?

She said it’s too early in the relationship to even tslk about it 

[Sanch62]

28 minutes ago, JohnCena22 said:

Because what happens if she’s not? Then I’ve got to break her heart and mine in tandem. I know I have time. But my feelings exist too. 

If you'd prefer to break up now before learning potential outcomes, you're allowed to do that. Nobody is holding you hostage--that's all you.

Quote

..if we do mesh as a couple. What then? Just abandon my hopes of having kids? Adopt? (I don’t want to).

What if every couple who's divorced opted instead to never get married to spare themselves that heartbreak?

You can 'what if' yourself into all the misery you want instead of enjoying any potential outcome that will always come with risks.

You get to decide what is more important to you; your fears or the possibility of rewards from your risks.

Quote

She’s 36 shouldn’t she be freezing her eggs now if she actually wants them?

Good question to ask her in a more diplomatic way. "Have you ever considered freezing your eggs, and what are your thoughts about that?"

If you find yourself unable to speak freely about your legitimate concerns with someone, then maybe they aren't the right match for you. In that case, fretting about anything else becomes irrelevant, doesn't it?

Edited Sunday at 06:29 PM by Sanch62

[JohnCena22]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

If you'd prefer to break up now before learning potential outcomes, you're allowed to do that. Nobody is holding you hostage--that's all you.

What if every couple who's divorced opted instead to never get married to spare themselves that heartbreak?

You can 'what if' yourself into all the misery you want instead of enjoying any potential outcome that will always come with risks.

You get to decide what is more important to you; your fears or the possibility of rewards from your risks.

Good question to ask her in a more diplomatic way. "Have you ever considered freezing your eggs, and what are your thoughts about that?"

If you find yourself unable to speak freely about your legitimate concerns with someone, then maybe they aren't the right match for you. In that case, fretting about anything else becomes irrelevant, doesn't it?

I think I just dont trust myself to leave. I really care about her. But I don’t see much reward from this anymore except some short term reward and then pain when it ends. 
 

but. I think im falling for her. So I don’t know what to do. 
 

this happened with my ex. I really really cared about her. But she wasn’t right for me. I couldn’t leave that relationship for a year and a half because I felt stuck emotionally 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, JohnCena22 said:

I think I just dont trust myself to leave. I really care about her. But I don’t see much reward from this anymore except some short term reward and then pain when it ends. 

This is a strange way to describe a relationship.

Relationships aren’t about rewards, they are about being with someone you want to be with.

Relationships don’t come with guarantees, there are always risks.

It sounds like you’re having too much fear of what might happen instead of enjoying what’s happening now. If you’re falling for her, just be with her.

What’s the point of talking about having kids now, at such an early stage of your relationship? Have the kids talk when you’re absolutely certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then you’ll see where you stand.

[JohnCena22]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is a strange way to describe a relationship.

Relationships aren’t about rewards, they are about being with someone you want to be with.

Relationships don’t come with guarantees, there are always risks.

It sounds like you’re having too much fear of what might happen instead of enjoying what’s happening now. If you’re falling for her, just be with her.

What’s the point of talking about having kids now, at such an early stage of your relationship? Have the kids talk when you’re absolutely certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then you’ll see where you stand.

But isn’t the whole point to end up married with kids? At least it is for me,? 

Shes 36  I don’t really have the time to just get to know her  

what if we both fall head over heels but she’s too old to have kids. Or then doesn’t want them. 

Edited Monday at 08:11 AM by JohnCena22

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, JohnCena22 said:

But isn’t the whole point to end up married with kids?

Not for everyone. Plenty of people are happy being together with their partners without having children or being officially married.

 

 

1 hour ago, JohnCena22 said:

Shes 36  I don’t really have the time to just get to know her  

In that case, you should tell her that and then break up with her. She probably thinks that she has the time to get to know you, and the honest thing to do would be to let her know that you don’t reciprocate.

 

1 hour ago, JohnCena22 said:

what if we both fall head over heels but she’s too old to have kids. Or then doesn’t want them. 

If having kids is more important to you than the prospect of spending your life with a person you love, then definitely explain that to her. This is not a judgment, you are entitled to have your own preferences. But she needs to know that.

[JohnCena22]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Not for everyone. Plenty of people are happy being together with their partners without having children or being officially married.

 

 

In that case, you should tell her that and then break up with her. She probably thinks that she has the time to get to know you, and the honest thing to do would be to let her know that you don’t reciprocate.

 

If having kids is more important to you than the prospect of spending your life with a person you love, then definitely explain that to her. This is not a judgment, you are entitled to have your own preferences. But she needs to know that.

She has some time. But it’s been 3 months. Realistically, she needs to start trying for kids asap if she wants them. Right? So in my mind that’s a year to get to know someone. A year to do all the other stuff. Then kids. I don’t see any other way? 
 

I don’t want to adopt. She’s a smart girl. Surely she sees that? 
 

Also what else does she need to see? 
 

I’ve told her kids are a non negotiable for me. She knows that. So… what does she think is gonna happen? I’m kinda confused 

[Els]

10 minutes ago, JohnCena22 said:

She has some time. But it’s been 3 months. Realistically, she needs to start trying for kids asap if she wants them. Right? So in my mind that’s a year to get to know someone. A year to do all the other stuff. Then kids. I don’t see any other way? 
 

I don’t want to adopt. She’s a smart girl. Surely she sees that? 
 

Also what else does she need to see? 
 

I’ve told her kids are a non negotiable for me. She knows that. So… what does she think is gonna happen? I’m kinda confused 

If this is as non-negotiable as you say it is, then the onus is on YOU to make the call to break up. It's not on her. You've talked about it, you know her age, and you know her stance on bio kids (that she doesn't mind not having them). She's been completely honest with you. Why would you expect her to go through the expense and hassle of freezing her eggs, or the risk of having kids with a man she barely knows, for something that she's clearly said she doesn't mind not having?

It's time to adult up and make the decisions that you need to make for your own life. Yes, there are tradeoffs to every decision that you make. You will lose her. That's all part and parcel of being an adult - you have to choose what is most important to you, and make the sacrifices to achieve what you want.

Quote

But isn’t the whole point to end up married with kids?

Not for more than 50% of the current generation of 20-40yo women, no. There are more women than men who don't want to have kids now... and frankly, considering the huge disparity in how much women sacrifice and the greater burden they shoulder when they have bio kids (compared to men), it makes a lot of sense.

Edited Monday at 09:52 AM by Els

[JohnCena22]

14 minutes ago, Els said:

If this is as non-negotiable as you say it is, then the onus is on YOU to make the call to break up. It's not on her. You've talked about it, you know her age, and you know her stance on bio kids (that she doesn't mind not having them). She's been completely honest with you. Why would you expect her to go through the expense and hassle of freezing her eggs, or the risk of having kids with a man she barely knows, for something that she's clearly said she doesn't mind not having?

It's time to adult up and make the decisions that you need to make for your own life. Yes, there are tradeoffs to every decision that you make. You will lose her. That's all part and parcel of being an adult - you have to choose what is most important to you, and make the sacrifices to achieve what you want.

Not for more than 50% of the current generation of 20-40yo women, no. There are more women than men who don't want to have kids now... and frankly, considering the huge disparity in how much women sacrifice and the greater burden they shoulder when they have bio kids (compared to men), it makes a lot of sense.

Yeah… you make sense here. I guess this is just where I’m struggling. I seem to have basically 3 options. 1. Break up with her now 2. Keep dating her and have kids in 2 years. 3. Keep dating her and breakup when I need to go and find someone to have kids with. 
 

they all feel like a decision that comes with pain 

[Els]

17 minutes ago, JohnCena22 said:

Yeah… you make sense here. I guess this is just where I’m struggling. I seem to have basically 3 options. 1. Break up with her now 2. Keep dating her and have kids in 2 years. 3. Keep dating her and breakup when I need to go and find someone to have kids with. 
 

they all feel like a decision that comes with pain 

I mean, honestly, if the whole bio kids thing is so important to you, the first thing you should do is to go get your sperm tested. A significant number of men are infertile or have genetic conditions that they risk passing down. At least then you'd have a good baseline of information to figure out what you need to do next.

The next thing you should do is to just break up with her IMO. If having bio kids is priority #1 to you and she is on the fence with having kids, you're not a good match.

And then after that, the next thing is to get yourself to a place in life where you will be attracting women close to your age who want bio kids as much as you do. So financial stability, home ownership, all that sort of stuff, if you don't have it yet - those will be essential.

[JohnCena22]

9 minutes ago, Els said:

I mean, honestly, if the whole bio kids thing is so important to you, the first thing you should do is to go get your sperm tested. A significant number of men are infertile or have genetic conditions that they risk passing down. At least then you'd have a good baseline of information to figure out what you need to do next.

The next thing you should do is to just break up with her IMO. If having bio kids is priority #1 to you and she is on the fence with having kids, you're not a good match.

And then after that, the next thing is to get yourself to a place in life where you will be attracting women close to your age who want bio kids as much as you do. So financial stability, home ownership, all that sort of stuff, if you don't have it yet - those will be essential.

I can’t keep dating her during that time? Isn’t that kinda what she’s doing with me? She’s on the fence and knows I really want kids. 

[Els]

5 minutes ago, JohnCena22 said:

I can’t keep dating her during that time? Isn’t that kinda what she’s doing with me? She’s on the fence and knows I really want kids. 

Not a good idea. Besides the fact that it's kinda sleazy, you're also just making the breakup harder for yourself in the future, and you're preventing yourself from meeting a woman who shares your goals.

No, what she's doing isn't the same. She isn't as convinced as you are that there's a breakup in the near future.