How do I get over a broken down friendship group

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the long message but struggling and feel I need to give context.

Three years ago I became a part of a mums friendship group with 3 other mums (called Mum A, B & C for confidentiality reasons) from my son's school. I became very close with Mum A who I saw as a best friend. Both her son and my son were best friends as well. All was well until 18 months ago I started noticing a change in the way Mum B was behaving towards me. I believe she was jealous of my close friendship with Mum A as she expressed many times to me how much she meant to her as well. Mum B would do little things to undermine me (whether on purpose or not, I can't say), but I tried to put it in back of my mind thinking I was being paranoid. My husband warned me that I needed to be careful and watch my back as he had a feeling she wasn't to be trusted. A few little incidences annoyed me where I would suggest ideas and she would then completely take over, claiming them to being her own. She did this a couple of times, which I wasn't particularly happy but went with it and didn't mention anything about my irritation to anyone other than my husband. Mum B became the Chairwoman of the school's PTA and I secretly did not like the way she was making decisions and plans without consulting other members of the PTA committee, including me who was the Vice Secretary at the time. She would dismiss some lovely ideas made by other parents and then come up with them later as if they were own ideas and she got all the praise and credit for because of the amount of money that was raised for the school. I didn't like that and knew she was someone who was a bit of a 'glory hunter'. I didn't say anything but instead I left the committee knowing I would not be able to work with her once I would become the Secretary, which was imminent. I did to avoid clashing and falling out. I gave a different reason to why I left. 

I started noticing how b****y Mum A, B and C had become and were slagging off a lot of other mothers behind their backs yet being overly nice to their faces, even going for lunches with some. I didn't like that and felt they were being incredibly two faced. It all came to a head when in the summer they started talking about one mother in particular (let's say called Mum D), who is nice enough but can be very intense at times. She owns a business in the area and during PTA meetings she would suggested doing some events related to the nature of her business to help raise funds for the school which were completely dismissed. Mum B came to know that Mum D was going to do an event for another school's summer fair, having being asked by the school's PTA. Mum A, B and C  completely laid into this situation talking badly of Mum D and saying things to other mums at the school behind her back. They were really horrible about it. I told the girls that I felt we were being a bit unfair because to be fair to Mum D she had offered a couple of times to do same type of event for our school, so I feel we have no right to question nor judge her for doing for other PTA's if she's being asked. Also it's a good way to promote her business. They did not agree with me, especially Mum B but I said that's fine, we can have different opinions. I don't think Mum B liked the fact that my opinion wasn't the same as hers, because the other two just followed her like sheeps. I have my own mind and opinions, which doesn't have to be the same as other people's but that's ok in my eyes. A couple of days later my son attended Mum B son's birthday party at their home. The topic around Mum D was raised again by Mum B and all the mothers were being very b****y talking about Mum D. I didn't really entertain it then out of the blue Mum B's husband says in front of everyone "You were just saying last night that you don't like her", nodding his head towards me. I said "What the hell ?". Mum B responded with "No, what I said was that she (as in me) is good at organising things". It was very bizarre and uncomfortable but I didn't say anything else and just carried on with the party.

When I got home I spoke to my husband about it, he hit the roof saying that was not okay. One can question if Mum B did in fact say this, but both my husband and I absolutely believe she did as it does not take a genius to know how two faced and b****y she is about other mums and it aligns with how she had behaved towards me in the lead up to it being said. I was so upset about it and I wanted to address it with her directly but my husband told me not to bother and waste my time. If this had been me and it was my husband who had said that to one of my friends, I would've phoned that very night to say how sorry I am and take accountability for it. There was none of that. To this day Mum B has never apologised nor spoken to me about it. Mum B has never been one to spend much time with friends during school holidays, having always said that she goes to her mum's caravan a lot and uses the hols to spend time with family. However, the amount of invites and days out she wanted us to have over that summer was endless and nothing more than 'arse licking', trying to make herself look good in front of the other mums. I did not entertain it and kept a distance throughout the summer. Mum A ultimately texted me to see if anything was wrong as I was not my normal self. I told her how I felt and she dismissed it as it was a joke and there was nothing to it, making excuses for Mum B. I told her that my feelings are hurt and should be validated and that in my opinion Mum B should apologise. I even asked Mum A to put herself in my shoes and how that would've made her feel, which she admitted she would have felt the same as me. She asked me if I wanted her to say something to Mum B and I said 'absolutely not' and that I'll deal with it in my own way and asked her to promise keep it to herself. I was distant throughout the summer hols and decided not to go on a joint weekend birthday do for mine and Mum C's birthdays, which Mum B took over in organising. I felt that if I would go and end up drinking that I would blurt stuff out and tell Mum B straight which I didn't want. I never told any of the others except for Mum A about how I felt.

I ultimately forgave Mum B without addressing it as I felt I had to for the sake of the others and for my own mental health but I kept her at arms length. A few days before Christmas, Mum A let the cat out the bag accidentally that she had told Mum B that I was hurt and angry about what happened at the party. Mum A said she felt bad for telling her and although I was disappointed I did not hold it against her. I did feel a sense of betrayal though as she promised me she wouldn't say and it proved that Mum B didn't want me on the birthday weekend . She knew all she needed to do was to acknowledge and say sorry and I would've gone with them. I believe Mum B knew what she was doing and didn't want me there, but made it seem like to the others she was being kind by telling me I'm welcome to join and sending me an itinerary.

It all came to a head earlier this year because of Fortnite. For months Mum B's boy (Z) had been behaving badly on the voice chat function, saying awful things and calling my son names amongst other things. My husband and I both heard first hand some of these things but our son always minimised it others would not be in trouble. Don't get me wrong my son could be quite vocal on the voice chat as well but it was more making silly noises and being loud as opposed to saying mean things. One day I was WFH and went into the living room to find money on the sofa. I asked my son what this was and he said that Mum A & B's sons (X & Z) were demanding that he pay them £50 because they had built something on Fortnite. My son wasn't home at the time they built this thing and had no idea what was going on until he got home and they demanded money from him. My son was in a right state because he said he didn't have the money to pay them. I contacted both Mum A & B to tell them what had happened. Mum A was mortified and spoke to X about this and told me to inform her of anything X does on Fortnite and I said for her to do the same if my son does anything so we can talk and deal with it like adults. X was banned from Fortnite for a few days. Mum B's response was that she heard Z asking my son for money but knew it was a joke so didn't think anything of it. She was very dismissive, saying things as if my son was being sensitive about it. I told her my son was upset because her son was demanding money from him. She didn't care. I knew then the type of person she is and I thought to myself I can't be associated with this person anymore. She clearly has no morals. Z was back on Fortnite causing s*** as me and husband could hear the nasty things he was saying in the voice chat. When the children returned to school the following week, X and Z kept telling my son he was a snitch for telling on them about the money and they weren't friends with him. This went on for days and really upset my son. He went on Fortnite one evening and noticed that X, Z  and  3 other boys had unfriended him. My son couldn't make sense of this so I asked the 3 other boys' mothers if he had done anything so we can resolve it. They asked their children who said that X and Z had demanded they unfriend my son or they'll make things difficult for them and not be friends with them. I contacted Mum A and B again to explaining the situation calmly and then said in these words "I'd like this to stop". Mum A didn't respond nor speak to me for a week. Mum B  said she'd have a stern word with Z, but did not apologise and allowed Z to continue on Fortnite. He kept friending then unfriending my son and tormenting him in the voice chat the very next night. My husband and I heard everything and told our son that Fortnite was banned, which it still is to this day.

A week later after ignoring me for a week, Mum A spoke to me in my car saying she ignored me for the week because she was upset with me and needed time to think before responding. She said "how dare you accuse my son of doing something he hadn't done and talking to other mums, trying to turn them against me and Mum B." She said she felt that me saying "I want this to stop" was me being attacking and she was hurt as she though she was my friend and how dare I behave that way. She went on to talk about my parenting, saying I don't ever see when my son does wrong nor do I deal with him when he behaves badly. By that point I lost my rag and raised my voice telling her "are you f***ing shitting me? Isn't it you and Mum B that keep telling me that my husband and I are too hard on our son and constantly on his back? Now you're telling me the opposite. Which one is it?" She went on to say that I didn't address the situation when my son upset her middle child a couple of weeks prior, where in fact I had done which resulted in my son losing privileges for a week. She said "Oh, well I didn't know that". She then went to say that she doesn't understand why I feel the need to tell her when X does things on Fortnite. I said "Because you told me to. You are contradicting yourself". She then questioned my loyalty as a friend and went on to say how I play the victim turning mums against her and Mum B. I told her that I did no such thing and that I only spoke to the mums whose sons had abruptly unfriended my son asking them if he had done anything wrong. It was them who told me about X and Z asking the boys not be friends with him. "Those mothers are lying" she said and asked me who those mothers were, which I refused to disclose. I told her that this wasn't about me being a victim, that this was about my son and that he was the victim in this situation. "But he does things as well " she said. I said "Yes, but in this situation, he did nothing and IS THE VICTIM". She then went on to say about a post I shared on Facebook about a lad who killed himself after being bullied endlessly at school. It was being shared a lot during that specific time. She said she was very upset and hurt with this. I told her that I'm sorry if this hurt her and that I share things often about mental health and of children because of the nature of my job and that was not directed at any one. She said she was very hurt that I posted this whilst trying to make myself look like the victim. When she questioned my loyalty as a friend I got angry and told her that was funny, considering she'd gone behind my back and talked to Mum B about things she promised me she wouldn't. She sat there saying she didn't know what I was talking about and then went on to say Mum B did nothing wrong. Talk about gaslighting. We ended the conversation with her saying we shouldn't be arguing because of Fortnite. I apologised for raising my voice to her, and that if she felt I was attacking in my message the week earlier then I'm sorry for that also. I took the FB post down immediately when I got home because if she felt hurt about me posting it then I'm big enough to validate others feelings. My husband was so angry when I told him. He couldn't believe how attacking and how personal Mum A had gotten, questioning our parenting and my loyalty as a friend. We could say a lot about her parenting of her boys but I would never have said those things to her because it's not my place to judge. I was so upset by the situation that I told Mum A that I would need time as I felt that what she said to me in the car felt like a 'character assassination' which did not feel nice at all. Mum A said she didn't remember saying some things. We haven't really spoken since then. Mum A has not attempted to contact to repair our friendship in any way which I thought with time she cared enough about me to even try, considering we were very close friends. As time goes on I question should I reach out but I'm so incredibly hurt by all that's happened and think why the f*** would I want to be friends with someone who has treated me badly, gaslighted me and betrayed me without taking accountability.

A couple of weeks later, I found out that Mum A, B and C had been saying things behind my back for a while, even months before the Fortnite situation, had been screenshooting my messages and FB posts sharing amongst each other as well. I also know they have been talking to other mums (whom were also my friends) about the situation and have flipped the narrative to make me look terrible. I have lost those friendships. I haven't spoken to any one of those mothers to share my version as it's no one else' business and I could never try to influence their feelings and opinions of others. I was replaced very quickly in the friendship group with another mother from a different school and the group has gotten bigger with those other mums. At one point Mum B kept sending nice messages to me trying again to 'arse lick' but I wasn't giving her an inch. She kept loving my FB posts and stories and I ultimately unfriended her as I discovered she was the one who had been screenshooting and sending to others. Because I unfriended her she decided to block me on FB. Then the next day in football she was trying to be over-friendly with me in front of other mothers saying how nice my hair was. I abruptly said "Thanks" and walked off. I'm sorry but I'm not pretending to be two faced, but again I'm the one who's looking bad.

By today we are civil only because my son goes to school with the other boys. I hear that they are still up to their tricks of saying bad things about other mums behind their backs and sometime each other as well. I feel I cannot escape them though as they are everywhere. Mum B appears to be worshipped by so many mums at the school. If only they knew the things she has been saying behind their backs. It really makes me sick but won't lower myself and reveal anything out of fear I will be made to look even more terrible. 

I have been traumatised by all that's happened and have real social anxiety following everything to the point I have not been to any school events other than School sports day and my son now has to have a taxi to go to and from school. My husband has not spoken to Mum A nor B since it all happened. He ignores mum B in football training and matches and he can't look at Mum a thus not giving her the time of day at the sport day.

Sorry for the long message but felt you needed the whole story to advise me. Do you feel I have done the right thing to cut these women out of my life? I believe i have done the right thing and kept myself true throughout this. However, I am struggling to move past it and would welcome any suggestions. Thank you

[stillafool]

I don't have children, so I have never had your experience.  It sounds like a nightmare.  I think you did do the right thing by ending your friendships with those women.  There's too much gossiping behind each other's backs and way too cliquish for my taste.  If there are any more problems between your son and those women's sons, I would ask my husband to handle it with the boy's fathers.  I'm sure there'll be a lot less drama and you can keep your peace.  Just hang out with your friends and leave those school mothers to themselves.

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

... Do you feel I have done the right thing to cut these women out of my life? 

My heart goes out to you. Advice from Grandma: "The problem is never that snakes will cross your path; they will. The problem comes when you're not tuned into your voice that tells you to respect the snakes, but avoid picking them up to play with them."

I believe you're smart to be civil whenever your paths cross. I also believe you had early warning that you were dealing with a den of vipers. Yet you kept returning.

Why did you remain so involved with these women? What is it you believed they could offer to you?

No need to answer from a place of criticism, just relax into yourself and answer privately from a place of self-love and compassion for whatever you were seeking. That's your answer to the emotional needs you can now address in gentler ways. This is your opportunity to explore that. It's a gift.

This is not a lesson about cutting yourself off from your community in order to hide from the reptilian side of people. Go deep enough into your source, your love, your generosity of spirit to recognize that everyone has some darkness. When you encounter people who promote that aspect by tearing down others, you can still deal with them, but in the same manner of distance and respect you would approach a wild swampland. Enjoy your participation and service to your community, but don't diverge from that path into a den. If you find yourself in such a place again, respect its natural right to exist even while you move yourself to safety quickly.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Edited September 19 by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Do you feel I have done the right thing to cut these women out of my life?

Yes, I don't see what other reasonable choice you had, and I honestly would have cut them off a while ago. They sound like they don't have much going on in their lives if they have this much time to sit around, gossip and send each other screenshots of others' messages. Get a hobby, ladies. 

As for you, I wuold encourage you to broaden your social horizons, too. It sounds like you attached a lot of your self-worth to the school mums, and still assign too much importance to what these women think. Don't let their opinions be a measuring stick of your self-respect, because honestly, there is much more to life than what the mothers of other students think of you. Do you have other friends you see and socialize with? What other activities are you involved with?