I want to want her

[averageguy1977]

1 minute ago, Els said:

In that case, is there really a problem here? You don't feel the desire to have sex, but she doesn't seem to have a problem with your lack of desire. It's you who seems to have an issue with it... but it's YOUR lack of desire. 

It's kinda like someone saying, "I wish I liked watching TV with my wife more", and then when asked, they say, "Oh, my wife doesn't really like watching TV and she never complains about not watching TV with me. But I wish I liked watching it with her more." Feels a bit circular, don't you think? Like, nobody is actually affected by you not wanting to do the thing, so if you don't feel the desire to do it, just... don't?

There isn't really a "right" frequency for sex. It's whatever both of you feel like. A couple who is having sex once a year, but both people are fine with it, doesn't have a problem. The problem only arises when one person wants to do it once a year and one person wants to do it every day.

It feels strange to be a man and be married and to be so meh about it. 

[Els]

7 minutes ago, averageguy1977 said:

It feels strange to be a man and be married and to be so meh about it. 

That's mostly just a societal myth IMO. Men with low libidos absolutely do exist, I dated one of them in the past. It's only an issue if the partner wants more - which I did, and which is partly why he's an ex, but plenty of women are fine with it.

[averageguy1977]

8 minutes ago, Els said:

That's mostly just a societal myth IMO. Men with low libidos absolutely do exist, I dated one of them in the past. It's only an issue if the partner wants more - which I did, and which is partly why he's an ex, but plenty of women are fine with it.

Not sure that I would be any different with someone else. The novelty of the new relationship would cause high frequency then probably settle back into a low frequency routine. 

[averageguy1977]

On 9/19/2025 at 5:51 PM, Sanch62 said:

While trauma isn't the only thing that shuts a person down, you did raise earlier that you are the one with the traumatic background, not her. You posted with a title that says you want to want her, yet you're the only one who can decide how much, and whether it's enough to actually do anything about it.

You don't need to agree with a suggestion that there are people trained to help you do that, but I hope you will put it in your pocket to at least consider it privately.

I'm not a sales person. I'm not invested in getting a 'yes'. We're here for you, and there's no requirement for that. Thank you for being an excellent father. The world needs more men like you.

I stick around because of my son. He has some unique challenges and I have a patience/intuition for him that no one else does. Mom does her best but she does not really operate on the same wavelength where I do. The pain of leaving him to someone who would not be as beneficial to his life as I am far, far outweighs any pain from a sexless marriage. The younger of the two would be fine. She is a normal little girl who is very adaptable. as I said in another post, not sure that I would have increased desire for anyone else. 

[S2B]

Is there ANY other woman in your orbit that currently strikes your fancy? In other words “does turn you on?”

[averageguy1977]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Is there ANY other woman in your orbit that currently strikes your fancy? In other words “does turn you on?”

There are women that I find attractive but nothing else. I have no crushes or side pieces. I rarely encounter someone at work other than in passing. 

[Els]

23 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

Not sure that I would be any different with someone else. The novelty of the new relationship would cause high frequency then probably settle back into a low frequency routine. 

What I'm trying to say is that it's totally fine for a man to have a low libido as long as your partner is fine with it. Everything. Is. Fine. Do you feel like you might be inventing a problem where none exists?

[averageguy1977]

On 9/25/2025 at 11:52 AM, Els said:

What I'm trying to say is that it's totally fine for a man to have a low libido as long as your partner is fine with it. Everything. Is. Fine. Do you feel like you might be inventing a problem where none exists?

Simply seems like it would be better if I was full of passion/desire. Feels like roommates more than anything. 

[Els]

On 9/27/2025 at 5:06 AM, averageguy1977 said:

Simply seems like it would be better if I was full of passion/desire. Feels like roommates more than anything. 

Do you really not do anything with your wife that you wouldn't do with a roommate? If so then it sounds like there's a much bigger problem in your marriage than just lack of passion.

[S2B]

Have you had a medical checkup? Maybe  hormone levels being low could be elevated to create more “desire” for your wife?

are you on any medication that could be affecting your outlook?

[LoveAndPassports]

SO, you'd rather keep her hostage to a man who isn't attracted to her, or are you looking for ways to become more attracted?

[Angelina Harriet]

So confident and courageous you are for sharing life struggles openly. Well, If I am not wrong, you and your wife are amazing partners and parents, which is something to be proud of. Many married couples go through times where passion fades despite of the old friendship.

You’re not alone, low s*x drive and lack of desire for a partner happens more often than people admit. Sometimes it can be stress from work, routine, or just natural mood changes over time. Talk with your wife honestly, or even seeing a couples/s*x therapist, might help you both better understand what’s happening.

The fact that you care and want to feel desire again is already a good sign. You don’t sound checked out, just searching for a way to move forward.