I want to want her

[averageguy1977]

1 minute ago, Els said:

In that case, is there really a problem here? You don't feel the desire to have sex, but she doesn't seem to have a problem with your lack of desire. It's you who seems to have an issue with it... but it's YOUR lack of desire. 

It's kinda like someone saying, "I wish I liked watching TV with my wife more", and then when asked, they say, "Oh, my wife doesn't really like watching TV and she never complains about not watching TV with me. But I wish I liked watching it with her more." Feels a bit circular, don't you think? Like, nobody is actually affected by you not wanting to do the thing, so if you don't feel the desire to do it, just... don't?

There isn't really a "right" frequency for sex. It's whatever both of you feel like. A couple who is having sex once a year, but both people are fine with it, doesn't have a problem. The problem only arises when one person wants to do it once a year and one person wants to do it every day.

It feels strange to be a man and be married and to be so meh about it. 

[Els]

7 minutes ago, averageguy1977 said:

It feels strange to be a man and be married and to be so meh about it. 

That's mostly just a societal myth IMO. Men with low libidos absolutely do exist, I dated one of them in the past. It's only an issue if the partner wants more - which I did, and which is partly why he's an ex, but plenty of women are fine with it.

[averageguy1977]

8 minutes ago, Els said:

That's mostly just a societal myth IMO. Men with low libidos absolutely do exist, I dated one of them in the past. It's only an issue if the partner wants more - which I did, and which is partly why he's an ex, but plenty of women are fine with it.

Not sure that I would be any different with someone else. The novelty of the new relationship would cause high frequency then probably settle back into a low frequency routine. 

[averageguy1977]

On 9/19/2025 at 5:51 PM, Sanch62 said:

While trauma isn't the only thing that shuts a person down, you did raise earlier that you are the one with the traumatic background, not her. You posted with a title that says you want to want her, yet you're the only one who can decide how much, and whether it's enough to actually do anything about it.

You don't need to agree with a suggestion that there are people trained to help you do that, but I hope you will put it in your pocket to at least consider it privately.

I'm not a sales person. I'm not invested in getting a 'yes'. We're here for you, and there's no requirement for that. Thank you for being an excellent father. The world needs more men like you.

I stick around because of my son. He has some unique challenges and I have a patience/intuition for him that no one else does. Mom does her best but she does not really operate on the same wavelength where I do. The pain of leaving him to someone who would not be as beneficial to his life as I am far, far outweighs any pain from a sexless marriage. The younger of the two would be fine. She is a normal little girl who is very adaptable. as I said in another post, not sure that I would have increased desire for anyone else. 

[S2B]

Is there ANY other woman in your orbit that currently strikes your fancy? In other words “does turn you on?”

[averageguy1977]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Is there ANY other woman in your orbit that currently strikes your fancy? In other words “does turn you on?”

There are women that I find attractive but nothing else. I have no crushes or side pieces. I rarely encounter someone at work other than in passing. 

[Els]

23 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

Not sure that I would be any different with someone else. The novelty of the new relationship would cause high frequency then probably settle back into a low frequency routine. 

What I'm trying to say is that it's totally fine for a man to have a low libido as long as your partner is fine with it. Everything. Is. Fine. Do you feel like you might be inventing a problem where none exists?

[averageguy1977]

On 9/25/2025 at 11:52 AM, Els said:

What I'm trying to say is that it's totally fine for a man to have a low libido as long as your partner is fine with it. Everything. Is. Fine. Do you feel like you might be inventing a problem where none exists?

Simply seems like it would be better if I was full of passion/desire. Feels like roommates more than anything. 

[Els]

On 9/27/2025 at 5:06 AM, averageguy1977 said:

Simply seems like it would be better if I was full of passion/desire. Feels like roommates more than anything. 

Do you really not do anything with your wife that you wouldn't do with a roommate? If so then it sounds like there's a much bigger problem in your marriage than just lack of passion.

[S2B]

Have you had a medical checkup? Maybe  hormone levels being low could be elevated to create more “desire” for your wife?

are you on any medication that could be affecting your outlook?

[LoveAndPassports]

SO, you'd rather keep her hostage to a man who isn't attracted to her, or are you looking for ways to become more attracted?

[averageguy1977]

On 9/27/2025 at 6:58 PM, S2B said:

Have you had a medical checkup? Maybe  hormone levels being low could be elevated to create more “desire” for your wife?

are you on any medication that could be affecting your outlook?

I am on no medication of any kind. Have never been tested for testosterone. 

[averageguy1977]

On 9/27/2025 at 2:38 PM, Els said:

Do you really not do anything with your wife that you wouldn't do with a roommate? If so then it sounds like there's a much bigger problem in your marriage than just lack of passion.

We cuddle on the sofa after kids go to bed, go on dates that involve fancy food/wine and such. Part of what kills my desire is the very business like routine after getting home from work. It is stuff that needs to be done but it feels like clocking in and that destroys any passion that could exist. 

[S2B]

That’s called normal life things to be taken care of and discussed at home.

would you prefer she leave you out of the relationship and pretend to be a fantasy gal all the time?

[averageguy1977]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

That’s called normal life things to be taken care of and discussed at home.

would you prefer she leave you out of the relationship and pretend to be a fantasy gal all the time?

Not sure how your question correlates with my topic. I am not looking for her to do anything. Its not like I am starving for sex and she does not reciprocate. In fact, I wish I was starving. But am not. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

Not sure how your question correlates with my topic. I am not looking for her to do anything. Its not like I am starving for sex and she does not reciprocate. In fact, I wish I was starving. But am not. 

You're complaining about the businesslike routine when you get home from work.  Short of having a fantasy girl who stays sexy all the time (or servants), this is part of life - something we all have to deal with.    I would imagine the majority of people in LTRs aren't feeling sexy when they get home and there's meals to be cooked, washing up to be done, kids to care for, homework to be done.  

Edited 15 hours ago by basil67

[basil67]

On 9/25/2025 at 5:19 AM, averageguy1977 said:

It feels strange to be a man and be married and to be so meh about it. 

Are you aware that men and women all have varying sex drives?   I've never had a partner who was ready to go at any time.  

[averageguy1977]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're complaining about the businesslike routine when you get home from work.  Short of having a fantasy girl who stays sexy all the time (or servants), this is part of life - something we all have to deal with.    I would imagine the majority of people in LTRs aren't feeling sexy when they get home and there's meals to be cooked, washing up to be done, kids to care for, homework to be done.  

Except that i am not complaining. We go through the motions and instead of pining for it.. I am meh. On our days off and vacations, the desire does not spark back up. Am I dying inside? No. 

[S2B]

1 hour ago, averageguy1977 said:

Except that i am not complaining. We go through the motions and instead of pining for it.. I am meh. On our days off and vacations, the desire does not spark back up. Am I dying inside? No. 

Maybe yes and maybe no.

why don’t you get tested at the dr to have your testosterone levels checked? You could rule that out.

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

Except that i am not complaining. We go through the motions and instead of pining for it.. I am meh. On our days off and vacations, the desire does not spark back up. Am I dying inside? No. 

What exactly is your point of being here?  You don't seem to like the responses you're getting.....