I want to want her

[averageguy1977]

I will not write a marathon post to give the whole story. It really boils down to my not wanting my wife. We are great friends and coparents. We work seamlessly as a team better than any couple I have ever seen. Kids, finances, cars, house, etc.. we anticipate the need, communicate, and then execute. However, sexually I do not want her. She has not changed so it is not due to gaining weight or anything like that. I stay because of my son, the oldest of our two kids. I have an intuition and patience for him that no one does. Before anyone blasts away about leadership and such nonsense, I also stick around because it does not bother me that I have a very low sex drive. It does not drive me nuts that we do it once a month and largely it is mechanical. I just wish that I was full of desire and passion for her. Anyone else been stuck in this inertia. 

[Sanch62]

47 minutes ago, averageguy1977 said:

... it does not bother me that I have a very low sex drive. It does not drive me nuts that we do it once a month and largely it is mechanical. I just wish that I was full of desire and passion for her. Anyone else been stuck in this inertia. 

Why would anyone 'blast you' for being a dedicated partner and excellent father?

You're saying what does NOT bother you or drive you nuts about this, yet that doesn't preclude you from having natural preferences and desires. Even if the desire is to have desire.

Do you and your wife have any discussions about this? If not, do you have intuition about how she feels about it? Does she ever attempt to initiate sex with you that you turn down?

Are you and wife verbally and physically affectionate with one another outside the bedroom? 

I ask because you're both modeling for your children what marriage looks like. This will set them up for what they aspire toward in the future. If you want more for them in their marriages, then engaging in affection is important. It can also lay the groundwork for any potential enhancement of desire between you and wife going forward.

We can discuss more about this if you would like to provide this information, and my heart goes out to you.

[Gebidozo]

There were a few cases where I wasn’t particularly attracted physically to someone I was in a relationship with. Whenever that happened, things ended very badly.

Then again, I have a very high libido. If your wife and you both have low sex drives and physical attraction doesn’t matter much to either of you, then maybe it isn’t a big problem.

Have you felt passion and desire for other women before?

[averageguy1977]

13 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Why would anyone 'blast you' for being a dedicated partner and excellent father?

You're saying what does NOT bother you or drive you nuts about this, yet that doesn't preclude you from having natural preferences and desires. Even if the desire is to have desire.

Do you and your wife have any discussions about this? If not, do you have intuition about how she feels about it? Does she ever attempt to initiate sex with you that you turn down?

Are you and wife verbally and physically affectionate with one another outside the bedroom? 

I ask because you're both modeling for your children what marriage looks like. This will set them up for what they aspire toward in the future. If you want more for them in their marriages, then engaging in affection is important. It can also lay the groundwork for any potential enhancement of desire between you and wife going forward.

We can discuss more about this if you would like to provide this information, and my heart goes out to you.

First, Yes we are verbally and physically affectionate. Light touches when we walk by and such. 

We have had a few discussions and it largely seems to go well and then we settle into busy routines and you can guess the rest. My guess is that she wishes we were more intimate but I can't say for sure. There has only been one time that I have turned her down and it was because I was having incredible pain from gall stones. 

I just wish that I was full of passion and desire. But I get home, go through the motions, and feel nothing. 

[averageguy1977]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There were a few cases where I wasn’t particularly attracted physically to someone I was in a relationship with. Whenever that happened, things ended very badly.

Then again, I have a very high libido. If your wife and you both have low sex drives and physical attraction doesn’t matter much to either of you, then maybe it isn’t a big problem.

Have you felt passion and desire for other women before?

Yes, when we met in 2007 up until 2012, I very much desired her. Long story, she had a miscarriage and her libido tanked. after a few rejections, I gave up and over time, we have became coparenting roommates. She is a great person, great mom, and such but her presence does not arouse me to say the least. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

. we anticipate the need, communicate, and then execute

Except here: 

1 hour ago, averageguy1977 said:

My guess is that she wishes we were more intimate but I can't say for sure.

There is clearly a big communication gap if you don't even know if your wife would like more sex. 

Have you two ever had an open, honest conversation about the issues in the bedroom? 

 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

I just wish that I was full of passion and desire. But I get home, go through the motions, and feel nothing. 

 

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

Yes, when we met in 2007 up until 2012, I very much desired her. Long story, she had a miscarriage and her libido tanked. after a few rejections, I gave up and over time, we have became coparenting roommates. She is a great person, great mom, and such but her presence does not arouse me to say the least. 

I'm sorry for your loss. You can identify when you disconnected from your wife, yet it's not your fault that you don't innately know how to process all the factors that went into 'why.' It's also not your fault that you don't know how to expel the pressure of this experience on your body and navigate your way back into feeling any of the desire you enjoyed during your first 5 years with your wife.

One problem with suppressed emotions is that they are not 'PC' and they don't reflect on us as evolved human beings. But they're natural. We are animals--mammals, primates. We feel primal stuff. It doesn't translate into a narrative, and even if it did, an intellectual grasp doesn't expel the charge of this pressure from our bodies.

You might consider working with someone trained to help you unlock and expel any suppressed rage, grief, fear, and possible resentment behind your shut down. While this may sound scary, it actually feels like a huge relief and doesn't require you to make either yourself or your wife out to be a villain.

People have no problem hiring the expertise of a plumber to open a clogged drain or a financial planner to optimize the flow of their income, but the idea of hiring a professional to unclog their internal pipes to clear their sexual flow is more important than any of that stuff in terms of one's quality of life.

Edited September 18 by Sanch62

[Els]

3 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

My guess is that she wishes we were more intimate but I can't say for sure.

Well, ask her? Nobody can answer your question except for your wife. It doesn't matter what we think about you having no sexual desire, our opinions shouldn't matter. If your wife is fine with it, especially if she feels no desire either, then there's no problem. 

I also find it a bit strange that you would say that you two have fantastic communication, teamwork, etc etc... But you have no idea whether she wants more sex or not? How does that work?

[averageguy1977]

19 hours ago, Els said:

Well, ask her? Nobody can answer your question except for your wife. It doesn't matter what we think about you having no sexual desire, our opinions shouldn't matter. If your wife is fine with it, especially if she feels no desire either, then there's no problem. 

I also find it a bit strange that you would say that you two have fantastic communication, teamwork, etc etc... But you have no idea whether she wants more sex or not? How does that work?

As I said before, we have had "the talk" about this on multiple occasions. Each time, there is a brief uptick and then back to the same old tired routine. If I was to initiate more, we would do it more. However, as I have stated the desire is simply not there. 

[averageguy1977]

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except here: 

There is clearly a big communication gap if you don't even know if your wife would like more sex. 

Have you two ever had an open, honest conversation about the issues in the bedroom? 

 

Yes, twice. Each time, there is a brief uptick (from once a month to twice per month or so) and then we settle back into the old routine. 

[averageguy1977]

20 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

 

I'm sorry for your loss. You can identify when you disconnected from your wife, yet it's not your fault that you don't innately know how to process all the factors that went into 'why.' It's also not your fault that you don't know how to expel the pressure of this experience on your body and navigate your way back into feeling any of the desire you enjoyed during your first 5 years with your wife.

One problem with suppressed emotions is that they are not 'PC' and they don't reflect on us as evolved human beings. But they're natural. We are animals--mammals, primates. We feel primal stuff. It doesn't translate into a narrative, and even if it did, an intellectual grasp doesn't expel the charge of this pressure from our bodies.

You might consider working with someone trained to help you unlock and expel any suppressed rage, grief, fear, and possible resentment behind your shut down. While this may sound scary, it actually feels like a huge relief and doesn't require you to make either yourself or your wife out to be a villain.

People have no problem hiring the expertise of a plumber to open a clogged drain or a financial planner to optimize the flow of their income, but the idea of hiring a professional to unclog their internal pipes to clear their sexual flow is more important than any of that stuff in terms of one's quality of life.

I am not so sure it can be fixed. First, It is me (the husband) that has the traumatic past not her. She grew up comfortable middle class with no drama. I come from the trailer park and have the skeletons in my closet. Second, our current frenetic, busy, but predictable life sucks the passion out of me. Making lunches, making dinner,  shopping, do not get me all worked up. It does the opposite. 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

I am not so sure it can be fixed. First, It is me (the husband) that has the traumatic past not her. She grew up comfortable middle class with no drama. I come from the trailer park and have the skeletons in my closet. Second, our current frenetic, busy, but predictable life sucks the passion out of me. Making lunches, making dinner,  shopping, do not get me all worked up. It does the opposite. 

I didn't say anything about your wife. I suggested investing in your Self to get your own mojo back. My guess is you're not posting here just to reinforce the complaints that brought you here. Are you?

You sound crystal clear that your best thinking is not going to move you beyond the problem. So why not hire someone who is trained in this stuff?

From AI: A somatic psychologist uses a body-oriented approach that focuses on the mind-body connection to help individuals heal from psychological issues and trauma. They utilize mind-body techniques to help clients release physical tension that becomes "locked" in the body. 

Well, if you're not locked down, then what do you believe is the problem, and how can we help?

[averageguy1977]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

I didn't say anything about your wife. I suggested investing in your Self to get your own mojo back. My guess is you're not posting here just to reinforce the complaints that brought you here. Are you?

You sound crystal clear that your best thinking is not going to move you beyond the problem. So why not hire someone who is trained in this stuff?

From AI: A somatic psychologist uses a body-oriented approach that focuses on the mind-body connection to help individuals heal from psychological issues and trauma. They utilize mind-body techniques to help clients release physical tension that becomes "locked" in the body. 

Well, if you're not locked down, then what do you believe is the problem, and how can we help?

I was mainly venting and seeing if other partners have experienced this. As to why I stay, the pain of not being with my son far, far outweighs any pain that I get from not having a sex life. I am also not so sure that I would return to a healthy sex life with someone else. Problem... we have been on the roommate track too long. We are more coworkers than anything else

 

Edited September 19 by averageguy1977

[Sanch62]

44 minutes ago, averageguy1977 said:

... I am also not so sure that I would return to a healthy sex life with someone else. Problem... we have been on the roommate track too long. We are more coworkers than anything else

I think you're deliberately missing the problem. There is help available. You can decide whether to keep living like this or reach for a potential solution. Nobody else can open your mind to that possibility, yet what have you got to lose?

[averageguy1977]

4 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I think you're deliberately missing the problem. There is help available. You can decide whether to keep living like this or reach for a potential solution. Nobody else can open your mind to that possibility, yet what have you got to lose?

I guess we disagree on what trauma is. Getting rejected a few times is not trauma in my opinion. I do not think that my current situation is an issue of disconnect between mind and body. The wife and I were never all that sexual in the first place honestly. In the beginning, we were once a week at best. So after 17 years, it has simmered down to once every 4 to 6 weeks. 

[BaileyB]

On 9/18/2025 at 10:33 AM, averageguy1977 said:

I just wish that I was full of desire and passion for her. 

I wonder, is anyone in a long term relationship who is working, running a home, and raising children “full of desire and passion?” 

I’m not saying that you should stay in a relationship when you do not desire and want to have sex with your wife. I’m just wondering if maybe your expectations are a little unrealistic? 

I would also ask - what have you done to bring the spark back to the relationship? Because, a sexual relationship that is full of passion and excitement starts with you - you know what I mean…

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

I guess we disagree on what trauma is. Getting rejected a few times is not trauma in my opinion. I do not think that my current situation is an issue of disconnect between mind and body. The wife and I were never all that sexual in the first place honestly. In the beginning, we were once a week at best. So after 17 years, it has simmered down to once every 4 to 6 weeks. 

While trauma isn't the only thing that shuts a person down, you did raise earlier that you are the one with the traumatic background, not her. You posted with a title that says you want to want her, yet you're the only one who can decide how much, and whether it's enough to actually do anything about it.

You don't need to agree with a suggestion that there are people trained to help you do that, but I hope you will put it in your pocket to at least consider it privately.

I'm not a sales person. I'm not invested in getting a 'yes'. We're here for you, and there's no requirement for that. Thank you for being an excellent father. The world needs more men like you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you like your life in general, OP? 

Apart from the lack of desire for you wife, is there anything sugnificant ou wish you could change about your life? What would that be? 

[Els]

20 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

As I said before, we have had "the talk" about this on multiple occasions. Each time, there is a brief uptick and then back to the same old tired routine. If I was to initiate more, we would do it more. However, as I have stated the desire is simply not there. 

That doesn't really answer the question, though. What did your wife say during these talks? Is she okay with your sex life or does she want more? Who initiated this talk and in what context?

[averageguy1977]

On 9/19/2025 at 4:10 PM, BaileyB said:

I wonder, is anyone in a long term relationship who is working, running a home, and raising children “full of desire and passion?” 

I’m not saying that you should stay in a relationship when you do not desire and want to have sex with your wife. I’m just wondering if maybe your expectations are a little unrealistic? 

I would also ask - what have you done to bring the spark back to the relationship? Because, a sexual relationship that is full of passion and excitement starts with you - you know what I mean…

Honestly... not much. Recently, I planned out a trip to southern oregon with no kids and while it was amazing, can't do this every weekend. On a day to day basis, I do not do much. Struggling to find the motivation. I am not one for deception or playing a part, if I do not genuinely feel it then its not worth doing. 

[averageguy1977]

On 9/20/2025 at 4:57 AM, Els said:

That doesn't really answer the question, though. What did your wife say during these talks? Is she okay with your sex life or does she want more? Who initiated this talk and in what context?

The usual response is a very vanilla, mechanical response that she would like to do it more. I am the one who initiates these conversations. She must be okay with our current sex life because she never complains about it. After both of these "talks",  we do it slightly more frequently but then back to the usual humdrum, monotonous, easy routine. 

[averageguy1977]

On 9/19/2025 at 9:46 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you like your life in general, OP? 

Apart from the lack of desire for you wife, is there anything sugnificant ou wish you could change about your life? What would that be? 

Mostly, Yes. I am not satisfied at work. It is exceedingly boring. I work mostly as a programmer for a state government and just not much to do. It is a bit soul crushing to have nothing to say about my day and have no real purpose/direction at work. I have been looking for other employment but am being very particular. Any new job would have to maintain my current family dynamics. So that means no 12 hour shifts, being on call, etc. The reason that I stay at my current uninspiring job is that it is 8 to 430 with absolutely no overtime, travel, or weekends. I get to prioritize them while still making a decent salary. 

[glows]

Oh yeah been there. We divorced of course. Who wants to live like that?? Make a decision and stick with it. 

He was an extremely negative man with aggressive tendencies and he made poor financial and career choices. Due to his poor choices and mental decline sex life was poor as well and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Completely numb in the last year of the marriage. I actually went for counselling after the divorce to uncover why I had felt drawn to such negative, troubled men who felt the need to criticize endlessly or put others down. It came down to the other person’s low self worth and my own low self worth believing I deserved to be around such crap and some codependency. 

Of course after the divorce and discovering more about myself I also returned to my hobbies which is what ignited my love of life all over again along with adopting my dogs. No more partners with really messed up backgrounds, bullies, aggressive and angry people who make poor choices. Life is good. 
 

 

Edited September 24 by glows

[averageguy1977]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

Oh yeah been there. We divorced of course. Who wants to live like that?? Make a decision and stick with it. 

He was an extremely negative man with aggressive tendencies and he made poor financial and career choices. Due to his poor choices and mental decline sex life was poor as well and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Completely numb in the last year of the marriage. I actually went for counselling after the divorce to uncover why I had felt drawn to such negative, troubled men who felt the need to criticize endlessly or put others down. It came down to the other person’s low self worth and my own low self worth believing I deserved to be around such crap and some codependency. 

Of course after the divorce and discovering more about myself I also returned to my hobbies which is what ignited my love of life all over again along with adopting my dogs. No more partners with really messed up backgrounds, bullies, aggressive and angry people who make poor choices. Life is good. 
 

 

We do not have these dynamics. No arguing, no fighting, no unpleasantries. No man gets the honor of being dad to my two kids other than me. To be sexless but have them every day is ok

 

[Els]

3 hours ago, averageguy1977 said:

I am the one who initiates these conversations. She must be okay with our current sex life because she never complains about it.

In that case, is there really a problem here? You don't feel the desire to have sex, but she doesn't seem to have a problem with your lack of desire. It's you who seems to have an issue with it... but it's YOUR lack of desire. 

It's kinda like someone saying, "I wish I liked watching TV with my wife more", and then when asked, they say, "Oh, my wife doesn't really like watching TV and she never complains about not watching TV with me. But I wish I liked watching it with her more." Feels a bit circular, don't you think? Like, nobody is actually affected by you not wanting to do the thing, so if you don't feel the desire to do it, just... don't?

There isn't really a "right" frequency for sex. It's whatever both of you feel like. A couple who is having sex once a year, but both people are fine with it, doesn't have a problem. The problem only arises when one person wants to do it once a year and one person wants to do it every day.