Lil Honey Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I’m putting this in the General Relationship forum, but it could go in the family section or maybe the personal well-being section. Anyway . . . I’m in a funk. Should I blame it on the full moon? How do I say what I’m going to say without sounding like a spoiled, 45-year-old brat? I was married for 24 years. I wasn’t happy most of them. I left when my youngest child finished high school. I work in a family-run business of which I have no stock in (in any sense of the word). I have worked here all my working life. It can be so boring that it’s mind-numbing. I generally get most of my work done by 8:30 or 9:00 am. There is no advancement possible. The boss does things that make no sense to anyone. The company is going nowhere. I am here because I feel that I “owe” it to them to be a dedicated employee. (When my kids were little I was able to take any time off that I needed for them, etc.) I am in a LDR with a man who lives in another state. He wants to move here, but has a child that he sees every other weekend. I told him that I don’t want anyone to resent me, thinking that I took him away from his child. I told him that it would be too disturbing for his child to go from seeing each other every other weekend to only seeing each other in the summer. It would be best for me to move to his state. (Edited to add: I am currently living with my daughter to help her with her mortgage payment after she split up with her boyfriend. I feel closed in, because it isn't my house. I feel like I'm in limbo. Maybe I just need to get used to my new surroundings.) I want to move away. I want to start a new and different life with Mr. Man. The thing is, I also have an elderly mom. I see her very frequently. So, I know that she would miss me. Although she can get by on her own, I do make sure that she’s doing well and I think that I am her social life. I have a brother that lives close by, but I’d hate to leave her to depend on him and she would hate it, too. I think she would feel that I abandoned her. (Funny as that sounds, it’s actually sad that I say that about my brother.) So, I feel stuck. I feel like half my life is gone and well . . . Okay, I know you will say to get unstuck, but that’s easier said than done. I don’t know . . . maybe I just needed to vent.
lindya Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 You're at a crossroad, and making changes that could enhance your life will inevitably involve a bit of uprooting...and a certain degree of loss for relatives. How secure is the relationship with your man? Would you be moving in with him or getting your own place? How easy would it be for you to get work and be financially secure? Obviously the more independence you have in a new environment, the easier it would be for your mother and daughter to visit you fairly regularly.
EMJ Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 The other siblings or relatives should help with your Mom. You should not be her entire social life. What about yours? What about your happiness? Why is it so hard for you let other people step up to the plate and help? It looks like you have been putting everyone elses happiness ahead of yours for a LONG time, maybe your entire life. You are the good daughter. But finding your own happiness will not make you the bad daughter. I can understand your guy not wanting to be away from a young child, it's something he can't get back later, as a Mom I know you understand that. You know the years go by very quickly. How many more chances of happiness are you going to let slip by? All I see in your post is you not wanting to inconvience anyone else at YOUR own expense. It's time to be a little bit self centered here. Good relationships are extremely hard to find. Extremely! Honestly, I think if you were to start moving in his direction you will see that people can adapt, no one will hate you, and the world will not fall apart. You don't deserve a life of boredom and self sacrifice, you've given more that enough to everyone else. Time for you to find your happiness. Best Wishes and Good Luck.
alphamale Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 it is very important to sometimes be selfish in life and do things to make one's-self happy.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Lil Honey- You are so much like me. Stay in the marriage until your child is big, put everyone before yourself. You can only do that so long before you explode. We need to be more selfish sometimes and I believe that this is the case. You deserve to be happy and not tied to one place because of your mom, etc. A new job, a new relationship with Mr. Man would be a great place to start.
Lil Honey Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Lindya: I feel confident that my relationship with my guy is strong. I would be moving in with him, because we each other. BTW, jobs seem to be harder to find here and he has a good one where he is. EMJ: Why is it so hard for you let other people step up to the plate and help? I dunno. Good question. It could be because I have always been with my mom. She would never turn her back on me, yet I feel that if I move, I'd be turning my back on her. I have a brother and two sisters. Both sisters moved two hours away when they started their families decades ago. One sister tells mom that she's coming to visit and then doesn't. The other sister calls mom, but doesn't have much time for her. My brother? Well . . . um . . . if things are inconvenient for him, he gets in a huff. I have generally done everything that I "should" have done my whole life. Now, I feel like I "shouldn't" do this, because Mom is 81. Alpha: Thanks. Do I owe you five cents now? Mz Pixie: I think I'm imploded - a couple times. Thanks for your support.
EMJ Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 You've been in the self sacrifice mode your entire life. It's a hard habit to break for sure. But If you had a good heart to heart talk with your Mom she may support your decision. She's lived a long life and knows that a good love is hard to find. I don't think she would want you give up this opportunity. Both of my grandmothers are still around, one is 86 and gravely ill, the other is 91 and doing really great. The big difference between them is their attitude and generosity in life. The 91 year old is always positive even though she knows she is on the decline in life. The 86 year old is the biggest narcissist I have ever met in my entire life. She always put her kids second to her ego and needs and they are pretty messed up and selfish as well. You sound very kind and generous. Is your Mom that way too? Just talk to her. If she really wants you to be happy she will support you even if it inconviences her. She may surprise you. What will you do if you let this guy slip away? These kind of chances don't come along everyday. You are very fortunate, please recognize it.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 She would never turn her back on me, yet I feel that if I move, I'd be turning my back on her. A parent's job is to raise a child to go have her own life. And a good parent wants nothing more than her child's happiness. If your mom would rather you stay with her for another 18 years (she could still live a long time) and give up your happiness, then really she's kind of selfish and unfair, no? I have a brother and two sisters. Both sisters moved two hours away when they started their families decades ago. One sister tells mom that she's coming to visit and then doesn't. The other sister calls mom, but doesn't have much time for her. My brother? Well . . . um . . . if things are inconvenient for him, he gets in a huff. Yes but that's not you. You will visit when you say you will and you'll call regularly. Get a webcam for you and her even. I think any parent that decides to have kids in order to have them take care of her for life should not be allowed to have them in the first place! I kinda doubt your mom is like this but if she were, you then would have that much more reason to go live your own life - if that's what she did why shouldn't you as well?
Lil Honey Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 More good points. I'm glad that I posted. All of you are making me feel better and you're making me think (imagine that LOL). I'm just afraid that I'll leave and Mom will get depressed and not take care of herself. I don't want her to feel that no one cares about her. I am terrified that she will get sick and I won't be here. I already feel guilty for wanting to leave, what would I be like if she got ill? I don't want to lose Mr. Man. He is one of the few things that put a smile on my face anymore - he makes me feel . . . valued. My daughter said that she would probably have her finances straightened out by August. I've only been living with her for less than a month, so I probably just need to adjust . . . maybe that's my problem. I was going to delete my post when I first posted it. Now, I'm glad that I didn't.
EMJ Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Talk to her. Get her set up with someone who will help her out and check on her. Even if you and your siblings have to pitch in and pay for someone, a professional, to come and help her with the daily basics of shopping, laundry, etc. There are a lot of older women like your Mom and there are services available. Do a little research. Again, you can't sacrifice yourself and your opportunites for real happiness. My siblings and I (there are 5 of us) put $100-150 each in an account every month for my mom by direct deposit from our employers. She's only 60, but works a really crappy job and would never get by otherwise. We expect we will do this for the rest of her life and that could be the next 30 years for all we know. We also know we'll have to increase the amount as she gets older and stops working. That's just the way it is and how families support each other. You and your siblings could get her set up and you could visit her whenever you can. See the possiblities, not the obstacles. Good Luck. Hope you get with your Man!
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Won't your daughter visit her and keep an eye on her?
Lil Honey Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I think getting my siblings to contribute to an account for my mom and getting my daughter to check up on her are both excellent ideas. Those ideas may even spawn new ones for me. Thanks so much. Mom is pretty stubborn, so she still wants to do things for herself. So, getting "a stranger" to help is nearly out of the question. I tried to get her to move to a smaller place (somewhere that is easy to care for) but she refused. Old folks . . . sheesh.
EMJ Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I hope it all works out. You sound like a great woman. Apparently your guy thinks so too if he's asking you to move to be with him. Best Wishes. Sometimes the advice on these posts more about the person writing than the person asking for adivce, but I think you got the genuine thing. I'm happy you have an open mind and an open heart. It will take you far!
Milo Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 it is very important to sometimes be selfish in life and do things to make one's-self happy. I agree. You've carried the Cross long enough. Take the plunge and move to the other state with Mr. Man. If you decide that doesn't work, you can always return home.
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