Husband rather cash out his 401ks and IRAs and sale the house to prolong his mother life, than accept my inheritance offer.

[mende]

Together 15 years, married 13 years, he is an awesome husband, dotes on me from head to toes. But there just one thing we just forever unsolve is stubbornness on not want to accept my inheritance help.

My father whom was a Shanghai businessman when alive own alot of properties, when my parents died they leave inheritance half to me (their daughter) and half to my brother. The inherence is enough to take care of me for the rest of my life not have to work a day.

Back when I got my inheritance, my husband (whom is my next of kin) force me to write a Will that in event of my dead all my inheritance will go straight to my brother, he sees that as the money go back to my Chinese family as it my biological brother. My husband adamant on not want a single penny of it, or anything to do with it.

I got the Wills done as he wish, but it a Will that I wrote against my will just so my husband can be happy or else we just bickering about this.

-------

Fast forward, 4 years ago his elderly mother (80 years old) had a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze (paralyze both arms and legs), she also has alot of other health problems including kidney failure. She went through multiple big surgeries, as well as alot of specialists treating her conditions, and a team of nurses care about her.

He has been working 84 hours a week, and all his money go to his mother treatments, see specialists, medications, out of pocket cost, and pay for a team of qualify nurses to care for her around the clock as she quadriplegia paralyze (and that alone cost 150K a year).

Three months ago he has to cash out his IRAs with penalty to pay for his mom surgeries hospital bills. The debt collectors were after his mother as it big hospital bills, out of filial he take it on and paid for her debt at the expense of cash out his IRAs with penalty.

Her health recently has turn worst, prolong hospital stays and more specialists treating her, my husband adamant on prolong his mom life as he can, even if it mean he will sale the house to use the money to prolong his mom life.

In all fairness to him, the house is he bought with his Savings from his working money, I didn't put a penny to the house. I have no problem with him sale the house, as I have my inheritance to take care of me for the rest of my life. I even have a house in Shanghai myself that my grandma leave for me.

And yes, I offer to help endless times, I even told him use all my inheritance to care for his mom, but he adamant refused, he even get defensive and shut me out. He said I'm his wife, he is her biological son, it not my job to care for his mom.

I'm at my wits end. I asked him flat out, is he like still hold grudge against my Chinese parents whom discriminate against him because he Sierra Leonean, he not Chinese. My parents till their deaths never accepted my husband.

My husband said No, and he said if there anything he very grateful to my parents leave their inheritance to me, because he knows the inheritance will financially take care of me, so he can concentrate on financially care for his mom and prolong her life (even if that means cash out his 401ks and IRAs and sale the house to use the money to prolong her life).

He just adamant not want a single penny help from my inheritance. At this point I told him just do whatever he wants. He can put the house on the market for sale and use that money to prolong his mom life, and I will use my inheritance to rent for the time being, because after his mom pass away, I want him to go with me to China.

He has the rights to sale the house, he bought the house in with his Savings, I didn't put a penny into it. He has no problem to survive without me, he has a Master degree. and makes 6-figures Problem here is for the past 4 years he pour all his working money into his mom medical care and prolong her life. After his mom die he no longer has to pay for her care, all his working money will be his again just like prior to she became paralyze.

Other than the him not want to accept my inheritance issue we don't have a marriage problem, he is awesome, the most faithful loyal man in the 15 years long with him, and he dotes on me alot.

Is there a way to fix this?

[S2B]

Ask your husband to go to counseling with you. In any marriage, it shouldn’t be one sided.

his ego is in the way. You can’t fix that. You could always start doing things without his permission - like buy the next house with your money and then tell him you bought it.

[Sanch62]

My only objection to husband making his own choices in this regard would be if his level of income depended on him working too many hours to enjoy spending enough of his time with me. In that case, we'd need to negotiate whether his ego was getting in the way of being my husband, and whether he would accept my monetary contributions toward alleviating that problem. If not, I'd need to rethink my position on remaining neglected and lonely as his wife.

[S2B]

one working 84 hours a week is asking for some serious health issues! 
that’s is way too many work hours!

just pull out your money and start paying for stuff since you have so much! 
you do NOT need his approval to spend your money however you want.

Edited September 18 by S2B

[mende]

Sale the house it was my idea, as I do not want to see him keep digging into his retirement (401ks and IRAs), Because I'm his wife, he has my name on the deed of the house, my name is on the house equally as his, I gave him an okay to sale it. As I do want him to go with me to China after his mom die, now whether he want to go to China permanently or not that another story. The house will be sale regardless, as I never think of live in U.S. to my old age.

I actually find it admirable that he can flat out say No to a bunch of cash money when he is the next of kin (my husband). It money here, not many people can resist the temptation of money. And it a large lump sum of money too that can last me for the rest of my life without have to work. Other men would already use the excuse that they the spouse/it marriage and use the money for themselves. But he never touch a single penny of mine.

I'm trying to get him to let me help with half of her medical expense, so he would just work 40 hours instead of 80 hours. But he see that as he living off my money, and he rather die than live off anyone money, he always been independent all his life, he work since he was 13 years old, better himself graduated with a Master in Chemical Engineering, I know he rather die than live off anyone.

I love him and I not want to divorce him, but it been 4 years he put his mom above me/his marriage (understandable his mom situation), but he putting my life on hold. right now he at work and I'm at home in a 2,000 square feet house with Solar Panels and I just dread it, no children, just me and a 2,000 square feet house. I just hate this house, I rather have it sale and get something smaller.

I'm trying to get him to warm up with the idea that he can use my inheritance as loan to prolong his mom life, if it makes him feel better see me as a loan shark and pay me high interest then (if this make him feel better). It just it hurts me to see him withdrawl his retirement. I just want to help him, but he not letting me help him.

 

[mende]

The reasons why he care is so expensive, it not just only specialists, but he pay for a whole team of nurses to care for her around the clock 24/7. Even her Private Nursing home is literally 3 minutes drive from the hospital so his mom can get outpatient Dialysis, and if any emergency happen his mom can get to the hospital in 3 minutes time.

All these luxury of a team of nurses to care for her around the clock is you pay out of pocket, you want that luxury for your mom you pay. He said he only has ONE mother. Money can be make again, but he only has ONE mother. Which I agreed with him.

He does makes good income (he has a Master in Chemical Engineering), it just eversince his mom stroke that leave her paralyze, he has been pouring all his money into prolong her life. After his mother die, he no longer has to pour all his money into her care, his income will be his all again (without have to financially care for his mom).

Sure, I can pay for his mom care, but that is doing it behind his back and well knowing how much he HATES to touch a penny of my inheritance, this will result in bickering, and if he mad enough he might divorce me himself, and I do not want a divorce.

I do not think I have any choice here, I just have to accept things as is if I still want this man, and I still very much want this man.

[S2B]

So why don’t you accept it? 
you’ve had years to accept it. Yet here you’re still providing the same info and details as years ago (here and another site). 
your perspective is always money focused. And time he spends focused on his ill Mother. Give your money if you want. It’s yours to spend how you wish. Or accept it. 
the hours he’s working is bound to kill him at a young age. No one can do 84 hours a week long term. 
 

so what if you have an argument! He would get over it! Just pay since you have so much and he isn’t spending wisely while she is ill. Tell him this is what a loving partner would do!

sis you ever look in to any new hobbies?

Edited September 19 by S2B

[stillafool]

I must say your husband is a model son who loves his mother very much.  She is blessed to have him.  AS 2,000 square foot home in the US is not a very large house so I don't know why you have a problem with it's size.  You mention you don't have kids but talk as if you want them.  Are you two planning on having children after 15 years of marriage?  Otherwise what does kids have to do with it.  You could help him by just paying the bills when they come in the mail. You don't need his permission to use your money the way you want to.  Don't tell him about it, just pay the bills.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

You could help him by just paying the bills when they come in the mail. You don't need his permission to use your money the way you want to.  Don't tell him about it, just pay the bills.

Yes, this. You can also offer to outbid his job on x number of hours a week to spend those hours with you instead of on work. Tell him you don't want to spend your money on some less fulfilling activity just to fill your time without him. Ask him whether your loneliness is of any concern to him, and if so, how he can work with you to resolve that.

If he still won't budge, then he's telling you that you matter less to him than his ego. Do you find THAT admirable?

[mende]

@Sanch62

 

Thank you, will try to talk to him about him work less hours.

I don't like the house here in US and I want it sale actually, I have my own house in Shanghai under my name. The house in US is my husband bought with his working money and paid off, we not even have mortgage, I told him sale it and use the money for his mother. And a 2,000 square feet house for ONE person is big for me, that is a family home, I don't need one person by myself live in a 2,000 square feet house with Solar Panels. I hate it, he needs to sale it.

My marriage would be perfect if he work less, I am trying to get him to work less. My inheritance is enough to not only take care of me financially for the rest of my life, but it also enough to take care of him AND his mother for the rest of her life. My father when alive was a businessman that had alot of properties in Shanghai, and properties in Shanghai is not cheap, I inherit all of that, well not all, half, as half go to my brother.

I still find it admirable that my husband can flat out say No to a bunch of cash money when he is the next of kin (my husband). It money here, not many people can resist the temptation of money, and money that is enough to care for both him and his mother till the day they die.

Sometimes I do want to put my foot down and demand him to work less, or else I will give him an ultimatum. If he smart, he will stay married to me so the rest of his life will be taking care of from my inheritance, or he can divorce me and he will have to work with his degrees till his old age, he seem like the later though, he will not live off anyone money.

But you right, it about time for an ultimatum.

 

 

[S2B]

A strong suggestion by you should never be discounted - after all you are half of the marriage and SHOULD be capable of having a say in how things go within the marriage.have a voice and speak up! Who cares if he gets mad… so… he gets mad - he will get over it.

and the history from your previous posts - always focused mainly on money.

there’s more to life than that! Take the money and start paying! Pay so your husband doesn’t end up sick from so much work! Pay so he can spend reasonable time with you AND his mother while she is alive  (that’s what he wants). You honestly don’t NEED his permission to spend YOUR money! Spend it to HELP HIM! That is what love looks like!!

just start. He can object - and you can tell him it’s your money and you’ll spend it however you choose to!

he’s killing himself with that level of responsibility. Help the guy out immediately.

Edited September 20 by S2B