Allalone Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Hi, I have posted before about my Bf abusing me and I am now wondering if its all my fault? I always am always accusing him of being with someone else, as when we got together he was with someone else and so was I so I worry that it is going to happen again. Every time I accuse him we always end up in a big fight where I am shouting and swearing at him saying hes with someone else, and hes says the only way he can get me to shut up is by phisically hurting me, it hasent happend yet this year so I am hoping that it wont happen again, the problem is that I have now developed a drinking problem. I drink every day, nearly a whole bottle of vodka a day along with anything else I can get my hands on and becuase of this I have put on about 4 stone, I also confort eat, I think that that makes me less attractive to him so I think he will run off with someone else so I drink to keep myself from saying something and the circle continues. I mean I am so obsessive.... he gets a text message on his work phone and tells me its his boss asking him to come into work today even though hes supposed to have a day off and I think that hes going to see another women... so I checked his phone and he wasent lying he did have to go into work, I cant control my jelously and I hate it, my mind goes crazy sometimes, if he has to stay at work late I think hes at the pub pulling women or something. I cant help it. I have tried talking to him about it but we always end up arguing about it. Please help, does drinking make people more jelous as I was never like this in my previous relationship. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 First of all, lose the booze. It's not doing you any good, nor is it doing your bank account much of a service. You'd better get a handle on this pretty damn quick, because if I were him, I'd be SOOO outtahere..! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Please help, does drinking make people more jelous as I was never like this in my previous relationship. Help! I'm totally with Slubber. As long as you're knocking back a bottle of vodka a day, you're not going to be in a fit state to cope with anything in your life....be that work, play or relationships. It may well be that your relationship problems have resulted in this downward spiral in your life, but from what you say the symptoms have now overtaken the illness in terms of severity. Addressing that has got to be your number one priority - because until you do, it's hard to see how you'll get the other aspects of your life into any reasonable kind of order. And yes - to be blunt... drunks are generally perceived by other people as poorer, stupider, more violent, less attractive and less rational. A couple of glasses of wine can make a person sparkle a bit more at a party, but beyond that there isn't a huge amount to commend alcohol. If you're unable to discipline yourself over your intake - and it sounds like you aren't - then you really need help. I hope you get yourself to an AA meeting as soon as possible. Once you're sober, you will perhaps be able to address the other difficulties in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR ANYBODY HITTING YOU UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL THEM. Yes, drop the booze. But also drop the guy. Time to change your life because you're headed for the ditch or a grave. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR ANYBODY HITTING YOU UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL THEM. I agree. You are trying to deal with it as a whole. I do not think that will work. You have to untangle the emotions, the drinking, and the physical and verbal abuse. You drink because you are jealous. Incorrect thinking. He hits you because you are jealous and scream at him. Incorrect thinking. You are jealous, you eat more, because you have gained weight, he will not find you as attractive, so you drink some more and scream some more and he hits you, to shut you up? You are unhappy with something that has triggered this awful downward spiral. Try to think what made you unhappy in the first place. Under no circumstance should you ever think that you deserve to be punched. If my SO were going through this I would be concerned, and the hammer blow of a right cross from me would do little to solve the problem. My right arm around her shoulder would be more appropriate. Untangle all the crap and take a look at it. Stop drinking so much, that is NEVER a useful to do and is physically and mentally harmful to you. Take an objective look at his behaviour. What is he ACTUALLY doing to evoke the jealousy response, are you projecting a negative feeling about yourself onto him? Him hitting you is physically and mentally harmful to you. Get a hold of your eating habits, overeating can add to a health problem and body image can become a mental issue. You are destroying yourself with these behaviours. You deserve more from yourself, you deserve more from your bf. Only you can truly help yourself. Only you can save yourself from this descent into the abyss. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Allalone, Please look at this, if it describes you, write me back please.....you're just trying to make sense of your actions....and I've been there.... Please tell me if you see yourself described in these symptoms. If you do, I can't wait to talk to you because I am the same.... 1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.) 2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting." 3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note 4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). 5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation. 6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.) 7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.) 8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex. 9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. (BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.) Link to post Share on other sites
Defcon Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR ANYBODY HITTING YOU UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL THEM. Yes, drop the booze. But also drop the guy. Time to change your life because you're headed for the ditch or a grave. that isnt always true, there are people who need a good ass kicking every now and then Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 that isnt always true, there are people who need a good ass kicking every now and then It is always true. Beating your SO is never ever an acceptable form of interpersonal communication. If you wish to tell someone you are upset you must use your mouth and say the words "I am upset", not "You bytch, you are annoying me" and then punch her. How anyone can possibly say that some one requires a good ass kicking, remember the context of this board (relationships), is just so far out of it as to be almost unbelieveble. I am no stranger to physical violence, I have fought. In rings, under rules and supervision, I have fought in the streets with other guys. I speak from a perspective of one who has been there and done that, and I carry the scars. Interpersonal physical violence is no answer to anything, ever, and it never will be. People get hurt. I have seen it. I have been hospitalised by an armed attacker, I have seen a friend get his throat slashed, he was standing next to me in a bar and I got the beer from the glass in the face, he got the glass across his throat. It almost killed him. Don't think for a moment that anyone ever needs a good ass kicking because it is just ot true. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Does it really matter whos abusing who??? your relationship is very unhealthy , you need to get out of it and deal with your own issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allalone Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Allalone, Please look at this, if it describes you, write me back please.....you're just trying to make sense of your actions....and I've been there.... Please tell me if you see yourself described in these symptoms. If you do, I can't wait to talk to you because I am the same.... 1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.) 2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting." 3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note 4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). 5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation. 6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.) 7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.) 8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex. 9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. (BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.) yes yes and more yes.. what advice can you give me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allalone Posted January 28, 2006 Author Share Posted January 28, 2006 it happend again... I cant even rember what started it... he was just trying to hurt me as much as he could... he had his hands around my neck and I tried to pull him off saying you cant control me but that made him even madder..... I have bruises all down my right hand side....... he smacked me in the face and said if you make one more bitchy comment I will punch you in the face... I have marks on my neck where his hands were.... I have covered them up but the ones I have on my arms I cant cover I have told people I walked into the door as I am known to be accident prone so I can get away with saying that... I think that I should go.... I dont know where though....I dont know how much more I can take....I have stopped drinking though and he promises he wont do it again and I have promised that I wont bring up things from the past and we will put it all behind us.... the thing is I dont think he felt any remorse for what he did.... I know the first time he did as he got really emotional and now hes like its just a bruise.....but its not..... its the feeling I get when he comes near me....Im so scared of him.... we dont have sex any more and I think hes sleeping with someone else or pleasing himself as no man can go three weeks without nothing can they? Guys please respond to that as I need to know... Well I had to tell someone... thanks for listening guys Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 seek professional help. this sounds like a form of obessive compulsive disorder. My ex (back to BF) has these same issues and zoloft helped him to get it under control. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
whats wrong with me Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 I dont know where you are but there are some real nice people in Missouri you could talk to Laurie is the friendliest, Beth is real down to earth. These people are real ..... whats the word....holyrollers? But they wont preach to you. These people could help you. Phone: Hotline : 573-774-2628 gs/[email protected] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allalone Posted January 29, 2006 Author Share Posted January 29, 2006 unfortunatly I am in the uk..... here there is some stuff but not so much for adults... more for children... Link to post Share on other sites
whats wrong with me Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I'll be looking for something you could do there. I'll check you soon. Stay safe Link to post Share on other sites
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