Should I date if I don't want children?

[Midnight FM]

I'm currently on disability, and I have various reasons for not wanting children, at least anytime in the near future.

This makes me wonder whether or not it's a good idea to date if I don't want children. Even if I'm not planning on having a child with a specific person, I think that it's more likely that an unplanned child could happen if I was dating, or that, even if the other party doesn't want children, that they could always change their mind in the future.

I'm comfortable without dating for the time being, and don't have a strong need to be in a relationship, so, if I'm content as things are, should I bother with dating, if the mere possibility of having children is a constant source of anxiety for me?

Edited September 16 by Midnight FM

[ExpatInItaly]

I am a woman who never wanted children.

That hasn't stopped me from dating and having good relationships with like-minded men. I have never changed my mind about wanting kids, either. I think you are stressing yourself out unnecessarily. Plenty of people now are happily childfree. 

[MsJayne]

I don't see how not wanting children should stop someone from dating. Unless you look like Fabio, have a genius IQ, are witty and charming, and are sickeningly rich, I'm not sure why you think so many women would be clamouring after the fruit of your loins with the aim of hoodwinking you into unwanted parenthood. If you're choosy about the type of women you date, and take precautions with sex, you should manage to remain child-free. Of course, abstaining altogether is a solution, as is having a vasectomy. 

[Gebidozo]

Of course you can date. There are many women who either already have children and don’t want any more, or don’t want to have children at all. It’s a personal choice that is as valid as the choice to have kids. Just make sure that you announce in advance that you don’t want children to the person you plan to date.

[Gaeta]

My 2 daughters do not want to have children and are both in long term relationships.

If you don't want accidental pregnancies then take action to never have children. The magic word is reliable contraceptives.

[BaileyB]

As has been said above, there is no reason not to date if you have made the decision not to have children. Your fear of an unplanned pregnancy is valid but there are many options for birth control. If ever you decide to date, just be honest with the people that you date so that they are aware of your intentions. 

That said, if the idea of dating and the risk of an unplanned pregnancy causes you significant anxiety - there is nothing wrong with the decision to be single. Many people are happily single in this world - there is nothing saying that you need to be in a relationship. 

I would say, don’t let your fear and anxiety guide your decision. There are positive and negative consequences to both the decision to stay single or be in a relationship - you need to weigh the pros and cons of both decisions and make the best decision for yourself… and that decision may change over time as well. 

[Els]

Of course you can, lots of people don't want children.

If you're worried about unplanned children, the good news is that (according to your profile anyway) you're male, which means that you're eligible for the best form of permanent contraception in modern medicine - a vasectomy. It's much, much less invasive, lower risk, and more effective than the female counterpart (which would be a tubal ligation). It's not even an actual surgery and you'll be home on the same day.

An additional bonus to having done this is that nobody will "hope you'll change your mind in the future".

[Sanch62]

You're the only one who gets to invent what not wanting children means to you. If you decide that it means you can't pursue an enjoyable social life in general, or you draw the line at romantic dating as opposed to companionship dating, or you draw the line at any sexual behavior versus non-penetrative sex, or you draw the line at relying on only a partner's form of birth control rather than forms within your own control, or whether you'll bypass all of this line-drawing by having a vasectomy--that's all up to you.

Nobody here can advise you on these choices. It just doesn't make sense to me to automatically equate a nix of parenthood with a nix of 'dating'. That sounds like unnecessary, binary, black-and-white thinking with no capacity to consider a spectrum of choices that can all support the same non-parent goal.

[ShyViolet]

Wanting children is not a requirement for dating.  I find it very strange that anyone would even think that.

Lots of people plan on never having children, and they still enjoy the companionship and social benefits of dating.

[smackie9]

I'm child free and had dated plenty. You don't have to blurt it out that you don't want kids on the first date. There are plenty of like minded men out there you can date. If things get serious that's when the subject can come up. Seek out the best birth control and you will be fine. 

[glows]

You could see your doctor and run tests on how viable/fertile you actually are. This is addressing your above mentioned anxiety due to possible or not so possible unplanned pregnancy. Then talk to your doctor about appropriate contraceptives and do your research.
What are the chances that you’re not even fertile or chances of you conceiving are phenomenally low? This is not an issue? Try to find out as much about your body/fertility and available contraceptives as much as possible and don’t let your mind be overrun with scenarios.

Nobody needs to want to have children to be in a relationship. Just be clear in your dating intentions when meeting people or dating and upfront you don’t want kids as a form of respect and courtesy to others. Don’t waste their time or your time if you’re not compatible on this early on. 

[lemonicetea]

I know this is kind of an old thread but it reminded me on how my mom told me that dating shouldn’t really be a priority since she can’t picture me having kids and I should just focus on making friends. 
 

Anyways, you can date without wanting kids. There are other people out there who don’t want kids or any more. If you seriously do not want kids and it’s causing you so much anxiety you might want to consider a vasectomy. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, lemonicetea said:

...my mom told me that dating shouldn’t really be a priority since she can’t picture me having kids and I should just focus on making friends. 

I'm sorry to hear this. Do you want to tell us why she said this and how you feel about it?

[lemonicetea]

On 10/21/2025 at 6:30 PM, Sanch62 said:

I'm sorry to hear this. Do you want to tell us why she said this and how you feel about it?

Not to completely derail this thread but, I don’t remember what exactly prompted her making that comment (this was like 10 years ago). I think the logic was is it doesn’t matter when (or even if) I find Mr. Right. Since a family isn’t on the table, everything I could do with a partner such as date nights or vacations can be done with a platonic friend. 
 

As for how it made me feel I got confused, and quite frankly still am. To be fair I have waaay more friends now than I did back then but I still feel like I’m missing something. Maybe I just haven’t found the right friend(s) yet. 

[Els]

On 10/25/2025 at 8:46 AM, lemonicetea said:

Not to completely derail this thread but, I don’t remember what exactly prompted her making that comment (this was like 10 years ago). I think the logic was is it doesn’t matter when (or even if) I find Mr. Right. Since a family isn’t on the table, everything I could do with a partner such as date nights or vacations can be done with a platonic friend. 
 

Is she very religious, like fundamentalist levels of religiousness? Because that's such a bizarre statement, sounds like it belongs in the 1800s.

That being said, if it was 10 years ago, was it uttered when you were 16 or something? I can see a mom with a socially anxious teenage kid trying to convince the kid to focus on making friends instead of dating... although again, terrible execution on her part.

[lemonicetea]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Is she very religious, like fundamentalist levels of religiousness? Because that's such a bizarre statement, sounds like it belongs in the 1800s.

That being said, if it was 10 years ago, was it uttered when you were 16 or something? I can see a mom with a socially anxious teenage kid trying to convince the kid to focus on making friends instead of dating... although again, terrible execution on her part.

She’s not really religious but she has some rather bizarre (for the lack of a better word) views on sex. Also I was in my mid 20’s at the time she made this comment. She’s had a long time habit of not understanding how mature I am but that’s a whole other subject for a whole other day. 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

Also I was in my mid 20’s at the time she made this comment.

She told a 20+ year old woman that “family was off the table”, and that having vacations and date nights with a friend were the same as doing those with a romantic partner? And for those reason you shouldn’t be thinking much about dating?

Well… I hope you never listened to that “advice” and never will.

[lemonicetea]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

She told a 20+ year old woman that “family was off the table”, and that having vacations and date nights with a friend were the same as doing those with a romantic partner? And for those reason you shouldn’t be thinking much about dating?

Well… I hope you never listened to that “advice” and never will.

She never said “family was off the table”. That was a phrase I used to explain what I believed her thought process to be. She would regularly cite my aunt, who never got married or had kids, as someone who got everything they needed from their friends. Before her health deteriorated she was going to the movies almost every Saturday night, eating out, and going on cruises and road trips with any subset of her friends. 
 

Honestly, my mom’s “advice” is still in the back of my head. A part of me uses it to justify why I never had a positive dating experience. Maybe the universe is telling me something. 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

Honestly, my mom’s “advice” is still in the back of my head. A part of me uses it to justify why I never had a positive dating experience. Maybe the universe is telling me something. 

Sounds like sabotage, not advice.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

She never said “family was off the table”. That was a phrase I used to explain what I believed her thought process to be. She would regularly cite my aunt, who never got married or had kids, as someone who got everything they needed from their friends. Before her health deteriorated she was going to the movies almost every Saturday night, eating out, and going on cruises and road trips with any subset of her friends. 
 

Honestly, my mom’s “advice” is still in the back of my head. A part of me uses it to justify why I never had a positive dating experience. Maybe the universe is telling me something. 

 

My Mom is the exact opposite and has been giving me the exact opposite advices. Even her closest friends annoy her, she never did any activities with them even when she was younger and healthier, she gets tired from human presence yet is constantly feeling lonely.

She keeps saying how her youth was all about romantic love and then it was all about her kids, now the men are gone and the kids are gone and she keeps saying that there is nothing in life worth living for, and talks about suicide all the time.

And the advice she kept giving me all the time was to get married as soon as possible, to have kids as soon as possible, because without kids a human being is just “half a human” (she even said that having only one kid is actually being “childless”).