Should I continue this or walk away?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

A couple of months ago, I met a guy at my gym. I knew he was recently divorced. We hit it off immediately, talking for a few minutes at first, which then turned into up to 40 minutes each time we saw each other. He asked me for my phone number and we started texting back and forth. Then he asked me to friend him on social media. It was really nice -  a true, intense connection where I felt very comfortable even sharing deep conversations and vulnerability. I actually felt more comfortable talking to him than probably any relationship I've had. He was very kind - even let me know if he was not going to be there one week when he was sick, which I thought was very nice of him. He would follow me around when I saw him and always wanted to talk to me, seemed very interested, touchy/hug a lot, etc. We had talked about going out for a hike together sometime. I know he lives at home with his parents, has money issues, is estranged from his kids, etc. (and is kind of depressed about it). In other words, he's kind of a mess right now.

Bear in mind, he has *recently* become a born again Christian and thinks s&x outside of marriage is "wrong." (He did not tell me this but I know it is the case based on his social media.) He does talk about religion sometimes. I am also Christian, though my beliefs are not as extreme.

Anyway, after we had tentatively made plans to meet for a hike, the next day I got a long text from him - it was a complete 180. He said he could only talk to me at the gym, that nothing could distract him from his religion, that we could only be friends, and that he would in fact be moving to a new gym soon because it was closer to his house (which was odd, since he seemed to love it there). It caught me off guard because we had talked in person for almost an hour the day before and he said nothing of the sort. It almost seemed like a huge fear response. And we are both over 50 with grown kids!

I texted him back that as of now, that was what we are - friends - and I did not think I had pressured him in any way for more, and why didn't he tell me all of this in person? He replied that he has been married and divorced MULTIPLE times (more than 3), that he has been scarred by women, has major trust issues, blah blah blah. He said women always expect more from him than friendship and he has hurt a lot of women's feelings (huh?). He also claims he has never been close friends with a woman until I came along. (Really?) My head was telling me to run. And then he did leave the gym, so I have not seen him in a few weeks, but we still talk at least weekly via text (which he always initiates).

We have these marathon texting conversations, sometimes over hours - really deep, intimate conversations about past traumas, loss, etc. He says I am his "emotional outlet" (which I am not sure is healthy). I KNOW that he would not be good for me (and he claims he only wants to be friends anyway, but our conversations are much deeper than I have with any other friends, male or female). I will admit that I am physically attracted to him but I have accepted that I should only be friends with him, even if he somehow changed his mind, because I KNOW he would be bad/toxic for me (look at his track record). I also think he has depression and some other issues - my friends say he is a narcissist. I am not really looking for a relationship anyway as I am working on myself now, but the more we connect emotionally, the more bonded i feel to this guy.

Recently he mentioned that he hopes we can meet up in person soon. While I would love to see him and spend time together, I am not sure if that would be good for me as it will only strengthen the bond and I really don't want to get hurt any more than I already have. It's likely he would just run away again anyway. Can he be a good friend?

Help! LOL

[Gebidozo]

It’s not his track record that is the problem here, it’s the fact that he only wants friendship while you appear to be romantically attracted to him.

There is nothing wrong with friends using each other as emotional outlets, that’s what friends are for. And since he hasn’t misled you or gave any false promises, I don’t think his behavior with you can qualify as narcissistic.

You are absolutely entitled to think that he’d be a toxic partner if that’s your impression, but it feels like there is a part of you that wants him to change his mind. Judging from your description, what you feel for him is more than friends feel for each other. Make you sure you know exactly what you’re looking for here. If you think friendship with him will hurt you, then stay away.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I really don't want to get hurt any more than I already have.

Then I would urge you to take ample time and space away from him. 

He doesn't want more with you, and you are already attached. He also presents numerous red flags. How do you see this endinp other than your feelings getitng hurt again when you become even more attached and he still doesn't want to date you? 

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Can he be a good friend?

No, because you have feelings for him. That isn't the basis for a good friendship here. It's the basis for heartbreak for you. 

[stillafool]

He has told you he doesn't want more than friendship and even that's iffy.  He has warned you about himself and how he hurts women, then he comes back wanting you to be his emotional outlet even though he suspects you want more, which I think you do.  Then, if you end up getting hurt you can't say he didn't warn you about himself, so he isn't the blame.  I would tell him to get a good therapist to help him with his emotional problems and close the door on this guy because it isn't going to lead to anything except your feelings getting hurt.

[ShyViolet]

First of all, this guy has told you he isn't interested in being more than friends.  Secondly, he has displayed some major red flags and slightly crazy behavior.  I'm not sure why you would think it's a good thing to get yourself more involved with this guy.

[Sanch62]

Quote

Should I continue this or walk away?

I wouldn't even need to ask this about someone I'd just called 'a mess'.

You do you.