Gebidozo Posted September 18 Posted September 18 6 hours ago, CollinW said: I wouldn't want a woman who feels the urge to sleep with other men after initiating a romantic connection with me. That’s not what happened here, though. She had no-strings-attached sex with the OP, and the same thing with another guy. Only afterwards did things get serious with the OP. You make it sound like she first had some commitment with the OP and then cheated on him.
Alpacalia Posted September 18 Posted September 18 OP, this just means that your emotional investment started earlier than hers. You were already seeing the potential for something deeper, while she was still in a more exploratory phase. Can you accept that her emotional investment caught up later, and that she’s been committed since? If she gave you the impression that the encounter happened before you met, and only later clarified that it was during the early phase of your dating…then it’s completely understandable that you feel misled. Even if the act itself wasn’t a betrayal, the change in narrative can feel like one. 1
CollinW Posted September 18 Posted September 18 3 hours ago, Gebidozo said: That’s not what happened here, though. She had no-strings-attached sex with the OP, and the same thing with another guy. Only afterwards did things get serious with the OP. You make it sound like she first had some commitment with the OP and then cheated on him. I understand that but maybe I'm crazy but I consider sex to be a romantic connection lol. And I'm not saying she needs to feel the exact same way about sex, but that just means we're romantically incompatible 2
Els Posted September 18 Posted September 18 This is ridiculous, frankly. You both had sex on the first date, and there was no mention of exclusivity. Are you saying that if you had met another woman around that time who also wanted to have sex with you, you'd be saying no to her? If not, then aren't you being a tad hypocritical here? In the future if you want to avoid situations like this, your best bet is to not sleep with women on the first date, and to establish exclusivity before having sex with them. Then, and only then, you would have a right to be upset about her sleeping with someone else. If you're not willing to do that, then you'll just have to accept that these things happen. 1
Gebidozo Posted September 18 Posted September 18 6 hours ago, CollinW said: I understand that but maybe I'm crazy but I consider sex to be a romantic connection lol. And I'm not saying she needs to feel the exact same way about sex, but that just means we're romantically incompatible Yes, but I don’t see how there could be romantic incompatibility between the OP and his girlfriend. I mean, they were both fine with having no-strings-attached sex with each other. 2
introverted1 Posted September 18 Posted September 18 The idea of having 2 sexual partners in one weekend gives me the ick, regardless whether there was discussion of exclusivity. To @CollinW's point, I am fundamentally incompatible with someone who would do this. That's not to say that others have to live by my code, nor that my way of thinking is the only right way in some absolute sense, but it does mean that I only date people who share my view on this. I am probably not the right person to chime in here as I don't do NSA sex regardless. 1 1
Sanch62 Posted September 18 Posted September 18 14 hours ago, Alpacalia said: If she gave you the impression that the encounter happened before you met, and only later clarified that it was during the early phase of your dating…then it’s completely understandable that you feel misled. Even if the act itself wasn’t a betrayal, the change in narrative can feel like one. This is the only statement I've seen that even comes close to questioning the narrative itself as a huge issue. My focus would be less on the calendar and more on WHY she chose to even discuss this with you, and especially WHY NOW? There is a reason for everything a person does. Sure, lax behaviors in a moment may be a problem, but deliberately raising it as a discussion weeks or months later when it's technically none of your business? THAT speaks of sabotage, and that's what would tell me that I'm either with someone who is not-so-bright, or I'm with a chaos-seeking drama queen who has offered me an open door to walk away NOW.
Gebidozo Posted September 18 Posted September 18 4 hours ago, introverted1 said: The idea of having 2 sexual partners in one weekend gives me the ick, regardless whether there was discussion of exclusivity. To @CollinW's point, I am fundamentally incompatible with someone who would do this. That's not to say that others have to live by my code, nor that my way of thinking is the only right way in some absolute sense, but it does mean that I only date people who share my view on this. I am probably not the right person to chime in here as I don't do NSA sex regardless. The OP is obviously different from you in that respect, since he was completely fine with NSA sex between himself and the woman who later became his girlfriend. He appears not to be fine with NSA sex between that woman and another man, though. Which isn’t very logical, because you can’t be against others having NSA sex if you practice it yourself. 1
introverted1 Posted September 18 Posted September 18 28 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: He appears not to be fine with NSA sex between that woman and another man, though. From my reading of the OP, the issues are that 1. She lied about the timing of her other NSA sex, leading him to believe it was before they met 2. She led him to believe that her fast sex with him was the exception, not the norm 3. He now knows that not only did she lie about there being another NSA partner, but that that sex occurred during the same weekend when she was having sex with him. I, too, am curious about why she decided to now reveal the details of her prior NSA sex. Why wait a year for this revelation? Surely at a year in she is aware of the weight this confession would have, so it would seem her reason for making it must be pretty compelling. 1
Gebidozo Posted September 18 Posted September 18 50 minutes ago, introverted1 said: 2. She led him to believe that her fast sex with him was the exception, not the norm The OP doesn’t say how exactly she led him to believe that. My impression is that the OP simply wanted to believe that. 52 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I, too, am curious about why she decided to now reveal the details of her prior NSA sex. Why wait a year for this revelation? Surely at a year in she is aware of the weight this confession would have, so it would seem her reason for making it must be pretty compelling. I think this one is easy to answer. Her relationship with the OP has become more serious, and she probably thinks that they shouldn’t have secrets from each other at this point. 1
Sanch62 Posted September 18 Posted September 18 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: I think this one is easy to answer. Her relationship with the OP has become more serious, and she probably thinks that they shouldn’t have secrets from each other at this point. I'm usually with you, G, but I call BS on this. The fact that sexual history was even discussed in the first place is already a setup for this kind of messy kid stuff. Digging up old and inconsequential business that isn't about to be exposed in some other way makes no sense beyond a manipulative attempt to create drama. Unless this ONS guy is still hanging around and threatening to blackmail her, she's reviving it to prompt jealousy and attention. Stirring that pot for 'honesty' makes no sense when it exposes a lie. Whether it's the behavior or the unprompted raising of it that bothers the OP more, it points to a mess that I wouldn't stick around for.
Gebidozo Posted September 19 Posted September 19 (edited) 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: The fact that sexual history was even discussed in the first place is already a setup for this kind of messy kid stuff. Why? There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing sexual history if both partners are genuinely fine with that. My partner and I have shared absolutely everything. There is nothing messy in this per se, you just need to be honest about being able to handle it. 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: Stirring that pot for 'honesty' makes no sense when it exposes a lie. But… that’s literally what “honesty” means. No lies. She obviously no longer wanted to have any lies (even lies by omission) between herself and the OP, so she told him the truth when the relationship became more serious. 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: it points to a mess that I wouldn't stick around for. You’re entitled to this reaction, but mine would be different. I’d be impressed by her honesty and thank her for telling me the truth after one year, so that I don’t accidentally learn it from other people ten years later, which would be much more hurtful. Edited September 19 by Gebidozo
Alpacalia Posted September 19 Posted September 19 (edited) Not everyone is fine with discussing sexual histories with their partners let alone when you have two people that barely know each other. Sex was the …initial glue that bonded you together. Is this about what she did, or how she communicated it? Did she volunteer this information or were you asking her questions, like, how did …that come up? If you're going to have these types of conversations you have to be with 100% certainty that…you’re emotionally prepared for whatever truth might come out. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel hurt or confused. But it does mean you need to own the risk of opening that door. Because once it’s open, you can’t un-hear what’s said. And if you’re not sure you can handle the truth, it might be wiser to reflect on why you’re asking in the first place. You both had poor boundaries at the start—and that’s not a judgment, just an observation. You're operating under different definitions of what “dating” meant, and that gap is now surfacing. Edited September 19 by Alpacalia 1
Versacehottie Posted September 25 Posted September 25 On 9/15/2025 at 12:31 PM, Justaguylookinforfeedback said: Yes definitely led to believe I was an exception or that she wouldn’t normally hook up on a first date. This IMO is a huge part of the core issue of why you can't get over it. If you believe that you were the "EXCEPTION" aka someone very special for 1st date or early dating hookup, it would definitely crush you to find out: nah, it's just her MO...it puts so much , if not everything into question. I think if you decide to stay with her and make a good attempt to get together, you have to spin it to YOURSELF in a different way, for example, "i am special because she is only 100% honest with me" and look for the evidence that backs that up. And/or you can leave yourself out of the equation (because that is more complex to cognitively deal with, in that your own ego/insecure feelings get in the way of processing that) and say: "i love her honesty and openness and that is someone I can build a future with". One thing that I also think--that I didn't see anyone comment on directly--is what do you think about people that make these sort of "confessions". Just speaking generally, I think that sometimes a person that word vomits (sorry) an unnecessary "confession" is sort of immature and socially clueless. Some people like that though and it makes them feel like they are getting "closer". Honestly, I would examine if this sort of trait, especially if it's happened about other subjects, is for you/not for you. I sort of think based on what you said and how you are interpreting what happened is that you would have preferred honesty from the get-go and/or someone who is not silly enough to tell you now without the forethought of what sort of unnecessary problems it would cause. Like really what is her true purpose or intention in telling you? I sort of think that sometimes people who do this unnecessarily just like talking about themselves without thinking of the consequences or creating some drama to experience or add some excitement to things when they get bored or distracted. What do you think her intention was in telling you?
Els Posted September 25 Posted September 25 (edited) On 9/18/2025 at 10:08 PM, introverted1 said: The idea of having 2 sexual partners in one weekend gives me the ick, regardless whether there was discussion of exclusivity. To @CollinW's point, I am fundamentally incompatible with someone who would do this. That's not to say that others have to live by my code, nor that my way of thinking is the only right way in some absolute sense, but it does mean that I only date people who share my view on this. I am probably not the right person to chime in here as I don't do NSA sex regardless. The bolded is indeed the smart way to operate if anyone feels the way you do (and personally, I share your preferences as well). The way the OP is operating is... well... like going to strip clubs every night and then complaining that the only women he meets are strippers. Completely counter productive. Edited September 25 by Els 1
basil67 Posted September 25 Posted September 25 What was the relationship like when this happened? If you were seeing each other multiple times a week, texting madly and there was an unspoken expectation that you'd be seeing each other on prime date nights, then I can understand you feeling cheated on. Conversely, if you went on a date once a week, had little contact in between and there was no reason for her to believe this thing was really going to take off, then her actions are quite understandable.
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