What would you do if?

[Justaguylookinforfeedback]

My girlfriend and I have been dating almost a year. We are both divorcées. She recently told me she had a one night stand when we were first dating. (Around our 2nd 3rd date) just under a month in to us dating. Her and I slept together on our first date and routinely afterwards. We were not exclusive at the time I suppose. But this really doesn’t sit right with me. She also told me all the details of this encounter early on in our relationship when we were sharing our sexual history. But I was lead to believe that it was before we met. I am upset , and my trust feels betrayed. At the time when it happened we were just getting to know each other and weren’t serious yet. The relationship has grown and I do love her. But this new information is eating at me. What would you do in my shoes?

[Sony12]

If you weren't exclusive yet at the time than those things will happen. If you two had sex together before you really knew each other chances are she would do the same thing with someone else as well.

Now she was wrong in making you believe it happened prior to you two meeting but at the same time she wasn't wanting to mess up what you two had begun to build. I'd say given the circumstances forgive her in this instance and focus on how she has acted since you two have been exclusive. You never know she may have been seeing someone else when she had sex with you on the first date. When you date an extremely sexual individual they are going to enjoy having a lot of sex 

[Gaeta]

Two 20 year old sharing their sexual encounters....ok with a big meh. Two divorcés? No. You two should be above all this over sharing. Look what it does, it ruins the good feeling for almost everybody going down that road. I have no glue how many partners my boyfriend had, we both got tested and moved toward the future, not backward. 

No more over sharing. 

The thing is once a man has an *erk* feeling it's hard to reverse. Even if she has been the best girlfriend to you and you trust her at 100%, you're stuck.

If l were you l would tell her how this made you feel. She is the best person to make you feel better.

[Gebidozo]

She wasn’t exclusive with you, so that wasn’t cheating. I agree that she should’ve told you the full truth, but what’s done is done. She is a sexual being and, unless she cheated on you, nothing she had done before you became exclusive should be a concern to you. If you love her, you’ll have to let this go.

[Sony12]

It isn't uncommon for people to still be having casual sex with someone when they first start dating someone else. Why wouldn't they. They don't know if the relationship will last. A lady I was casually involved with a few years ago we had a lot of fun in the bedroom but I told her I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship and if she wants to go on other dates she should. She met a guy that she liked who she is now married to yet she was still giving me blowjobs for the first couple months that they were dating. Not sure if she ever told him or not but that's their business and it wasn't cheating because she was only hooking up with me before they became exclusive.

Edited Monday at 01:52 PM by Sony12

[introverted1]

I get the technicality that you weren't exclusive, but it's a character/personality thing for me. I could never have a ONS while I was building a relationship and already sleeping with someone else and I have no desire to date someone who could. 

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I get the technicality that you weren't exclusive, but it's a character/personality thing for me. I could never have a ONS while I was building a relationship and already sleeping with someone else and I have no desire to date someone who could. 

While true however the OP admits they had first date sex. Most who have sex on the first date are ok with having sexual interactions with people they don't know all that well yet. 

Edited Monday at 05:01 PM by Sony12

[Justaguylookinforfeedback]

To add to the story we had been in touch texting and talking everyday since before our first date. Including the day she would have had her one night. Even texting me from the bar that night. We both were going through a divorce and sharing our similar lived experience. I was her first “hook up” (and only I was lead to believe) after her divorce. She was not mine which I was upfront about when asked. I think we both felt a connection based on similarities in our experience and we opened up about a lot of personal things even before we had sex. I am less upset that she had a one night stand and more upset that she wasn’t upfront about it. Even giving me details about the encounter but not telling me it was while we knew each other. Feel deceived in that regard. I also do not like the fact that I would have been with her that same weekend and she saw no problem with that. 

[Sony12]

20 minutes ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

To add to the story we had been in touch texting and talking everyday since before our first date. Including the day she would have had her one night. Even texting me from the bar that night. We both were going through a divorce and sharing our similar lived experience. I was her first “hook up” (and only I was lead to believe) after her divorce. She was not mine which I was upfront about when asked. I think we both felt a connection based on similarities in our experience and we opened up about a lot of personal things even before we had sex. I am less upset that she had a one night stand and more upset that she wasn’t upfront about it. Even giving me details about the encounter but not telling me it was while we knew each other. Feel deceived in that regard. I also do not like the fact that I would have been with her that same weekend and she saw no problem with that. 

Well you were initially a hook up as well. Dating highly sexual individuals is going to have its pros and cons. If you don't want your girlfriends to have temptations outside of her relationship with you than it's probably best for you to not get into relationships with individuals who sleep around.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

While true however the OP admits they had first date sex. Most who have sex on the first date are ok with having sexual interactions with people they don't know all that well yet. 

I wonder if OP believed (or was led to believe) he was an exception to her decision to have sex on the first date.

7 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

She also told me all the details of this encounter early on in our relationship when we were sharing our sexual history. But I was lead to believe that it was before we met.

This is the bigger issue, I think.  If it was fair game to be hooking up with others while she was sleeping with you, why did she lie about it? 

53 minutes ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

I also do not like the fact that I would have been with her that same weekend and she saw no problem with that. 

What do you mean "would have been"?  You were supposed to be with her but you weren't?  Or you were with her that same weekend? 

 

[Sony12]

22 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I wonder if OP believed (or was led to believe) he was an exception to her decision to have sex on the first date.

 

 

Maybe. But people trying to make their dates feel like they are 'special' is something a lot of folks do. Both of them had been around the block by the time they met so he probably should have known that if she is doing it with me she probably does it with others as well.

 

[Justaguylookinforfeedback]

Yes definitely led to believe I was an exception or that she wouldn’t normally hook up on a first date.

And by “would have been” I mean we would have had sex a day or two after this happened. And not long before it happened either. 

And yes the bigger issue is that she lied/ withheld information about it. And is telling me the whole story this far down the road. When I told her how I felt about it she said she should not have told me. I told her that’s even worse. Fully agree if we weren’t exclusive and it was fair game then why not tell me? Especially when she told me all about it except the fact it happened after we started hooking up. 

 

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

Yes definitely led to believe I was an exception or that she wouldn’t normally hook up on a first date.

And by “would have been” I mean we would have had sex a day or two after this happened. And not long before it happened either. 

And yes the bigger issue is that she lied/ withheld information about it. And is telling me the whole story this far down the road. When I told her how I felt about it she said she should not have told me. I told her that’s even worse. Fully agree if we weren’t exclusive and it was fair game then why not tell me? Especially when she told me all about it except the fact it happened after we started hooking up. 

 

Did you try to make the women you hooked up with feel special? Women do the same with the guys they casually meet up with.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Maybe. But people trying to make their dates feel like they are 'special' is something a lot of folks do. Both of them had been around the block by the time they met so he probably should have known that if she is doing it with me she probably does it with others as well.

Well sure.  But he's within his rights to feel duped, especially since she lied about the timing. And just as it's true that people who hook up casually/quickly with one person are likely to have hooked up casually/quickly with others, it's also true that people who lie to make themselves look better and/or to avoid repercussions are likely to have a pattern of doing so. So he needs to think about what else she may have lied about or will lie about in the future. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

I am less upset that she had a one night stand and more upset that she wasn’t upfront about it. Even giving me details about the encounter but not telling me it was while we knew each other.

But she told you the full truth now. At the time, you weren’t exclusive, she wasn’t obliged to report to you whom else she was having sex with. Be glad that she told you everything so soon after you became a couple. 

 

6 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

I also do not like the fact that I would have been with her that same weekend and she saw no problem with that. 

Why?

You weren’t a couple, she wasn’t cheating. She had sex with different people, yet chose you to be in a relationship with. If she has been faithful to you since, I don’t see any problem.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

Yes definitely led to believe I was an exception or that she wouldn’t normally hook up on a first date.

How exactly were you led to believe that?

 

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

What would you do in my shoes?

I guess I'd keep my eyes open to see if she lied about other stuff or if this was a one-off.

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

My girlfriend and I have been dating almost a year. We are both divorcées. She recently told me she had a one night stand when we were first dating. (Around our 2nd 3rd date) just under a month in to us dating. Her and I slept together on our first date and routinely afterwards. We were not exclusive at the time I suppose. But this really doesn’t sit right with me. She also told me all the details of this encounter early on in our relationship when we were sharing our sexual history. But I was lead to believe that it was before we met. I am upset , and my trust feels betrayed. At the time when it happened we were just getting to know each other and weren’t serious yet. The relationship has grown and I do love her. But this new information is eating at me. What would you do in my shoes?

Meh, it takes a special kind of person to be like,…“Yeah, we weren’t exclusive, so technically it’s fine”—and then actually feel fine about it. I would prefer to be with someone who lost interest in other people as he got to know me. Then again, 2nd, 3rd date is still pretty fresh.

I echo the other posts that say she led you to believe…that it happened before you met. You’re not wrong to question the intent. I mean, any way you dice it, it was a lie. Whether it was a lie by omission or a misrepresented timeline, it was misleading.

Btw, what reason sharing sexual deets so early on? 

Were you pressing her…to be honest, or was she volunteering those details?

I guess that's the chance one takes with having sex on the first date with someone they…barely know. It's always a gamble.

Edited Tuesday at 03:46 AM by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

This would bug me because I'd interpret it as her still shopping around for someone better after she'd already met me, and I'd also be wondering why she'd decided to be honest about it all of a sudden. Sharing sexual history isn't always a good idea, it can take the shine off a romance for a lot of people. 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

Yes definitely led to believe I was an exception or that she wouldn’t normally hook up on a first date.

Of course she said that!! She's not crazy, she knows she would be shamed for having hookups! Men's ego is sooooo fragile, she knows it. Most men can't handle knowing women are as sexual as them. We have to pretend to be all pure and only looking for love.

You were not together. She had no clue if that hookup with you would amount to anything more. 

To all the women out there shut up about your sex life before your relationship. It's nobody's business and he won't be able to take it anyway! Your number of partners will crush him, how often you had sex will crush him, last time you had sex before him will crush him! 

The only reason she contradicts herself now is because she has this false sense she should be totally honest. And look where total honesty got her.....for something that is none of your business.

Edited Tuesday at 03:17 PM by Gaeta

[flitzanu]

just think about this and answer honestly to yourself.

are you upset because you were made to feel special, and turns out...you're not the first and only one she's done this with, that she was sleeping with other guys on the first date and that somehow takes away the specialness of your encounter?

or is it that she lied about it in the beginning?

i mean, lying isn't a good look, and i get it that she didn't want to be like "yea i just banged some random guy last night" while trying to date you, but it is also weird that she wanted to be so detailed about it while hiding the truth.  like, it would have been easier to not even say it in the beginning.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Of course she said that!! She's not crazy, she knows she would be shamed for having hookups! Men's ego is sooooo fragile, she knows it. Most men can't handle knowing women are as sexual as them. We have to pretend to be all pure and only looking for love.

As a man, I have to admit that this is indeed still common, unfortunately. This judgmental attitude stems from men’s sex-related insecurities and fear of competition.

That said, I also know guys who have never judged women for their numbers and never felt any retroactive jealousy.

As for myself, I used to suffer from it, but have overcome it. And I have to stress that the only sure way to do that is by really fully embracing what you say, that women are as sexual as men.

 

 

 

 

[IrinaM]

On 9/15/2025 at 2:05 PM, Justaguylookinforfeedback said:

We both were going through a divorce and sharing our similar lived experience.

Were you both still "technically married?"

All of this seems odd to me. You're both married, somewhere in a divorce process, you meet and have sex right away, there is no talk of exclusivity or "I love you" before sex. No discussion of health status or even if you want to see each other again. This wasn't really a good way to go about things, it sounds messy. Of course it was going to lead to hurt feelings. 

There are so many similar stories. I just feel like, if you choose to delay gratification and get to know somebody, wrap up old responsibilities before starting new relationships--you'll have much better results. It doesn't really make any sense to have believed that first-date sex was completely out of character for her and something she only did for you--what are the odds of that? Ultimately you kind of got yourself into this situation, so I don't think there's anything to discuss with her. 

[Sanch62]

First, I don't believe in discussing sexual history beyond a clean STI test and an agreement to stay sexually exclusive for as long as we intend to keep having sex.

What would I do at this point? I'd ask her what she hoped to accomplish by telling me this now. Sounds like she's stirring the pot for some drama or is pushing you away.

I wouldn't be interested in someone this indiscreet. It's manipulative.

Edited yesterday at 04:24 AM by Sanch62

[CollinW]

Personally I wouldn't be okay with this either. Double dipping is disgusting to me and I wouldn't want a woman who feels the urge to sleep with other men after initiating a romantic connection with me. 

Regardless of anything anyone says you have to go with your gut. The problem is you're already in a relationship, when this has happened to me in the past they've gone in the fwb only category. There is no going back for you, so imo you just have to cut it off.