Mom thinks I'm sensitive for being affected by father's spankings with a belt with

[samsungxoxo]

Most of us are Latinos. I'm now married to a US citizen and our 4 month-old son has dual nationality. I'm still waiting for my paperworks. My husband is also traumatized by his mother's spankings with an extension cords. We want to provide our son a better life where there is no hitting in the household and teach him that no one deserves to get hit. We refuse to do corporal punishment.

Whenever there is a family reunion or social gathering, my parents only mention the good parts such as going on family trips, taking me trick or treating on Halloween, the pictures of my younger brother with new clothes, etc. They leave out the ugly parts such as the DV I used to witness as a kid (mom being verbally antagonistic but dad was worst for hitting her with household objects to control her temper, making her cry...then many years later mom would get physical with him and he was more verbal by then) and both my younger brother and I getting spanked with a belt by our father. Even though it was few times when I was little, it was still done out of frustration, as first resort and a couple times for not getting my math homework correct on the 3rd time he was teaching me. The rare time he grounded me it was still done inconsistently and still out of frustration. When he once thought I've lied, he gave him the cold shoulders and didn't want to speak to me for 7-14 days. I felt that was just as bad too.

My brother was born when I was 15. By the time he was 2, the spankings for him would start. All of the sudden,my mom was also spanking him with the belt but rarely; she never did that with me. I admitted to having no patience with him either, lacking maternal instincts and not participating in his milestones development. With that dysfuctional environment, what else was I suppose to learn? I once took my anger (with the hands) on my brother when he was a toddler and that's when I felt bad. That's all I ever learned, that spanking or smacking felt like a power trip to unleash your frustration just to get it done and over with; to get obedience quick.

Today I have total regrets for never having patience with my brother and contributing to his ruined social skills. I've failed him too. He's now in his early 20's and I'm 38. Several months ago, he pushed our now 71 year-old father very hard on the floor. It caused him to trip and scraped his elbow, drawing blood. Our father cried and there was fear in him. My mother felt no pity for him and blames him for ruining her life and his son's development. She had a horrible, stressful pregnancy with my brother. She also regrets ever hitting him and now agrees that physical punishment is a terrible practice.

Yet when I've mentioned how the spankings affected me and how I'll never thank him for that and that no I'm not grateful at all...I'm a snowflake. My mom mentioned that dad had it worse with his mother, that he was hit harder with something worse than a belt. It's true. Meanwhile his father never hit him, his mother was a religious fanatic. She thinks I'm too sensitive just because I didn't have it as bad as him. That was the norm back then and the only way kids were raised, that now that science and psychology got involved it's different.

Needless to say, I felt she invalidated my feelings. I have the right to still feel hurt. Not everyone has an "I'm grateful for every spankings I got" reaction. What exactly is there to be grateful of getting assaulted??? It seems that many Latinos and hispanics glorify that. I'm now totally horrified of that practice. The only single pain I'm ever grateful about is the day after my C-section...giving birth to my Sunshine.

[samsungxoxo]

Update:

On Friday the 12th, my brother and father had their 2nd physical altercation. My father was getting tired of my brother's mood swings and he smacked him on the head with a full bag. Then when my brother retaliated it happened so fast. He charged after him, punched him once and shoved him harder than last time. In seconds, my father was on the floor, groaning in pain. His back is still sore as of now. My father is now officially afraid of him.

My mother thinks both my brother and I are snowflakes.

Edited September 15 by samsungxoxo

[Gebidozo]

I don’t know what “snowflakes” mean in this context, but your father did abuse you and your brother. Your brother might need therapy to help him deal with his understandable anger, but of course you both are hurt by your father’s behavior.

Your mother’s statement about your father having had it even worse is unfortunately a very common fallacy when something bad is justified by comparing it to something that is even worse. If being beaten by his own mother felt so wrong to your father, he shouldn’t have beaten you at all.

 

[samsungxoxo]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Your mother’s statement about your father having had it even worse is unfortunately a very common fallacy when something bad is justified by comparing it to something that is even worse. If being beaten by his own mother felt so wrong to your father, he shouldn’t have beaten you at all.

The only I don't regret is telling my mother that whenever Father's Day comes, I'll never have a "you're the best father ever" post. Someone that has hit his wife (my mother) in the past and used a belt on a small child is far from being the best father. He changed my mother. She was never the type to spank..yet she did it (rarely and just on his toddler years) on my brother. 

I know right. If he didn't like getting beaten by his mother, it would make sense not to hurt the next generation. I'll do what he should've done and I never go back on my words; permanently break that cycle. I can never imagine hurting my own flesh and blood like that. I can still be strict without hitting.

[samsungxoxo]

A snowflake means a sensitive person who can't handle criticism nor hardships.

[Gebidozo]

16 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

A snowflake means a sensitive person who can't handle criticism nor hardships.

Looks like you’ve handled your hardships beautifully by deciding to not follow in your father’s footsteps.

 

Edited September 15 by Gebidozo

[samsungxoxo]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Looks like you’ve handled your hardships beautifully by deciding to not follow in your father’s footsteps.

 

Indeed. That's the opposite of a snowflake. Weak minds are really those that repeat the same cycle without ever questioning it.

[Els]

Child abuse is unfortunately rife in many cultures, including the one I grew up in. Unfortunately, there's little to be gained from trying to get your abusers to change or to admit wrongdoing. You aren't going to change them. All you have control over is your own actions, including whether or not you will allow them to be part of your and your child's lives. Sometimes going no contact is the best solution.

[samsungxoxo]

On 9/15/2025 at 11:40 AM, Els said:

Child abuse is unfortunately rife in many cultures, including the one I grew up in. Unfortunately, there's little to be gained from trying to get your abusers to change or to admit wrongdoing. You aren't going to change them. All you have control over is your own actions, including whether or not you will allow them to be part of your and your child's lives. Sometimes going no contact is the best solution.

Indeed. Physical punishment is still prevalent (less but still) in Latin American countries, the Middle East, several Asian countries in the Caribbeans. It's so sad to see young generation in their 20's (younger than me; I'm 38) still believing in using belts, paddles, sticks, strapes, etc to "educate" kids. That's abuse.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm aware I'll never get a genuine apology and will therefore move on and be satisfied in seeing how my father's authoritarian method failed so badly that I'll raise my son differently.

[samsungxoxo]

I felt disturbed when my grandma explained how her husband (my mom's late stepfater) used to spank my uncle with a belt. According to her, she claims her son is thankful for those spankings because it made him a better person that's not into drugs. He might not be into drugs but I actually noticed some hidden bitterness within him. He doesn't seem happy at all. 

This is an example of a real statement I've noticed on youtube and I find it very disturbing:

"When I was 28 I told my dad “ Thank you for having the guts to give us whippings when we ( my brothers & I ) were being bad or disrespectful. I’m 52 now and I tell some of my younger friends or their kids how my dad took the belt to my ass , as discipline, their eyes get BIG. Love you Mom & DAD THANK YOY"

I actually find pity at those that think they deserved getting physically assaulted by the very people that were suppose to dedicate time to really educate and teach you. How can you thank someone that had little to no patience? Anyone can get immediate compliance and obedience by applying physical punishment. I'm not impressed. That takes no challenge at all. Why should anyone be glorifying something that takes no challenge? The real challenge is getting great result without physical punishment, the longer router that takes more time. I don't understand the people giving so much credit to the spankings and yellings they received at home (and no credit given to themselves, credit for the actually good things), claiming that they are professionals with degrees thanks to that. There was a comment that disturbed me too. It was from someone close to my age saying that if you want to raise respect, decent people with professional degrees, good morals and overall great, then spank them as kids. 

I've received the belt by my father too when I was little and nope, I don't glorifying that. It's so easy to lose patience and use a household object to hit a smaller person. Like seriously? Do you really need to hit kids with belts, paddles, etc to get a decent person?? Can you get a decent person without hitting them? Can someone explain what's up with the glorifying getting frequently hit by parents? What's up with being proud of getting spanked??

 

Edited 17 hours ago by samsungxoxo

[Gebidozo]

You’re raising some deep philosophical and spiritual problems here.

“Can you get a decent person without hitting them?” sums up much of human history and religious thought. This is one of the fundamental questions posed by the Bible. The New Testament gives a positive answer: yes, you can.

However, we’re still unfortunately very far from the ideal of having evolved to such a degree of ethical freedom that we don’t need any laws or punishment at all in order to be good.

So it’s mainly a question of how severe those laws and punishments should be. Obviously, we’re seeing some progress in that aspect. Things like torture and capital punishment sanctioned by authorities were seen as completely normal and necessary for most of human history, but now many of us regard them as atrocities.

Personally, I believe that the same applies to the corporal punishment of children. If our goal is to raise obedient servants, then I guess it is an effective method. But if we want to raise free human beings with a real ethical compass and a sense of responsibility, then I don’t think that method would work.

To clarify, I’m also quite distressed by the other extreme, when children are getting spoiled and essentially left to themselves. I do believe that children should be punished for bad behavior, I just don’t think they should be hit. Physical pain paralyzes the will, clouds the judgment, and instills fear. What’s important is to make the child truly understand the difference between good and evil, make sure they feel remorse and shame when they do something bad, and take responsibility for that. I don’t think that can ever be achieved by hitting them.

 

[samsungxoxo]

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

To clarify, I’m also quite distressed by the other extreme, when children are getting spoiled and essentially left to themselves. I do believe that children should be punished for bad behavior, I just don’t think they should be hit. Physical pain paralyzes the will, clouds the judgment, and instills fear. What’s important is to make the child truly understand the difference between good and evil, make sure they feel remorse and shame when they do something bad, and take responsibility for that. I don’t think that can ever be achieved by hitting them.

Thank you for pointing that out. I'm aware of the other extreme, which would be called the neglectful and permissive parenting; the polar opposite of authoritarian parenting. As a married woman of a now 7 month-old baby boy, my husband is on the same page with me on the no physical punishment done to our boy. However, what many people are failing to understand is that no physical punishment doesn't mean no discipline. I hate it when others think discipline is using a belt, shoes, paddles or hands to hit your child as a way to ''teach and correct'' behaviors. I also don't like the other extreme of doing nothing at all. My mother jokingly said to my son ''you're lucky, mommy and daddy aren't ever going to hit you, you can do whatever you want''. I know he's too young to understand the joke, but nope, just because we won't hit doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants in the future. There should still be boundaries, expectations, rules and consequences for negative behaviors. 

So yeah I hate both extremes. Both hitting kids as ''discipline'' and always spoiling them and doing nothing at all are both extremes.

Edited 15 hours ago by samsungxoxo