Mom thinks I'm sensitive for being affected by father's spankings with a belt with

[samsungxoxo]

Most of us are Latinos. I'm now married to a US citizen and our 4 month-old son has dual nationality. I'm still waiting for my paperworks. My husband is also traumatized by his mother's spankings with an extension cords. We want to provide our son a better life where there is no hitting in the household and teach him that no one deserves to get hit. We refuse to do corporal punishment.

Whenever there is a family reunion or social gathering, my parents only mention the good parts such as going on family trips, taking me trick or treating on Halloween, the pictures of my younger brother with new clothes, etc. They leave out the ugly parts such as the DV I used to witness as a kid (mom being verbally antagonistic but dad was worst for hitting her with household objects to control her temper, making her cry...then many years later mom would get physical with him and he was more verbal by then) and both my younger brother and I getting spanked with a belt by our father. Even though it was few times when I was little, it was still done out of frustration, as first resort and a couple times for not getting my math homework correct on the 3rd time he was teaching me. The rare time he grounded me it was still done inconsistently and still out of frustration. When he once thought I've lied, he gave him the cold shoulders and didn't want to speak to me for 7-14 days. I felt that was just as bad too.

My brother was born when I was 15. By the time he was 2, the spankings for him would start. All of the sudden,my mom was also spanking him with the belt but rarely; she never did that with me. I admitted to having no patience with him either, lacking maternal instincts and not participating in his milestones development. With that dysfuctional environment, what else was I suppose to learn? I once took my anger (with the hands) on my brother when he was a toddler and that's when I felt bad. That's all I ever learned, that spanking or smacking felt like a power trip to unleash your frustration just to get it done and over with; to get obedience quick.

Today I have total regrets for never having patience with my brother and contributing to his ruined social skills. I've failed him too. He's now in his early 20's and I'm 38. Several months ago, he pushed our now 71 year-old father very hard on the floor. It caused him to trip and scraped his elbow, drawing blood. Our father cried and there was fear in him. My mother felt no pity for him and blames him for ruining her life and his son's development. She had a horrible, stressful pregnancy with my brother. She also regrets ever hitting him and now agrees that physical punishment is a terrible practice.

Yet when I've mentioned how the spankings affected me and how I'll never thank him for that and that no I'm not grateful at all...I'm a snowflake. My mom mentioned that dad had it worse with his mother, that he was hit harder with something worse than a belt. It's true. Meanwhile his father never hit him, his mother was a religious fanatic. She thinks I'm too sensitive just because I didn't have it as bad as him. That was the norm back then and the only way kids were raised, that now that science and psychology got involved it's different.

Needless to say, I felt she invalidated my feelings. I have the right to still feel hurt. Not everyone has an "I'm grateful for every spankings I got" reaction. What exactly is there to be grateful of getting assaulted??? It seems that many Latinos and hispanics glorify that. I'm now totally horrified of that practice. The only single pain I'm ever grateful about is the day after my C-section...giving birth to my Sunshine.

[samsungxoxo]

Update:

On Friday the 12th, my brother and father had their 2nd physical altercation. My father was getting tired of my brother's mood swings and he smacked him on the head with a full bag. Then when my brother retaliated it happened so fast. He charged after him, punched him once and shoved him harder than last time. In seconds, my father was on the floor, groaning in pain. His back is still sore as of now. My father is now officially afraid of him.

My mother thinks both my brother and I are snowflakes.

Edited Monday at 06:23 AM by samsungxoxo

[Gebidozo]

I don’t know what “snowflakes” mean in this context, but your father did abuse you and your brother. Your brother might need therapy to help him deal with his understandable anger, but of course you both are hurt by your father’s behavior.

Your mother’s statement about your father having had it even worse is unfortunately a very common fallacy when something bad is justified by comparing it to something that is even worse. If being beaten by his own mother felt so wrong to your father, he shouldn’t have beaten you at all.

 

[samsungxoxo]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Your mother’s statement about your father having had it even worse is unfortunately a very common fallacy when something bad is justified by comparing it to something that is even worse. If being beaten by his own mother felt so wrong to your father, he shouldn’t have beaten you at all.

The only I don't regret is telling my mother that whenever Father's Day comes, I'll never have a "you're the best father ever" post. Someone that has hit his wife (my mother) in the past and used a belt on a small child is far from being the best father. He changed my mother. She was never the type to spank..yet she did it (rarely and just on his toddler years) on my brother. 

I know right. If he didn't like getting beaten by his mother, it would make sense not to hurt the next generation. I'll do what he should've done and I never go back on my words; permanently break that cycle. I can never imagine hurting my own flesh and blood like that. I can still be strict without hitting.

[samsungxoxo]

A snowflake means a sensitive person who can't handle criticism nor hardships.

[Gebidozo]

16 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

A snowflake means a sensitive person who can't handle criticism nor hardships.

Looks like you’ve handled your hardships beautifully by deciding to not follow in your father’s footsteps.

 

Edited Monday at 08:15 AM by Gebidozo

[samsungxoxo]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Looks like you’ve handled your hardships beautifully by deciding to not follow in your father’s footsteps.

 

Indeed. That's the opposite of a snowflake. Weak minds are really those that repeat the same cycle without ever questioning it.

[Els]

Child abuse is unfortunately rife in many cultures, including the one I grew up in. Unfortunately, there's little to be gained from trying to get your abusers to change or to admit wrongdoing. You aren't going to change them. All you have control over is your own actions, including whether or not you will allow them to be part of your and your child's lives. Sometimes going no contact is the best solution.

[samsungxoxo]

On 9/15/2025 at 11:40 AM, Els said:

Child abuse is unfortunately rife in many cultures, including the one I grew up in. Unfortunately, there's little to be gained from trying to get your abusers to change or to admit wrongdoing. You aren't going to change them. All you have control over is your own actions, including whether or not you will allow them to be part of your and your child's lives. Sometimes going no contact is the best solution.

Indeed. Physical punishment is still prevalent (less but still) in Latin American countries, the Middle East, several Asian countries in the Caribbeans. It's so sad to see young generation in their 20's (younger than me; I'm 38) still believing in using belts, paddles, sticks, strapes, etc to "educate" kids. That's abuse.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm aware I'll never get a genuine apology and will therefore move on and be satisfied in seeing how my father's authoritarian method failed so badly that I'll raise my son differently.