courtstah Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 keith and i have had quite an intense relationship over the past year. i fell in love like i never imagined i would. but i suppose i should preface the story a little more. i met him at the bar that i work at part-time and pined over him for at least a year before i made my move on my birthday of last year. after about 6 months, we moved in together and really connected on levels i never knew were possible. I should also tell you that he is 10yrs older than i (just turned 23) and obviously more mature. i've made some pretty pour choices that have hurt him quite a bit and he had enough. he broke up with me about 2 months ago because i couldn't seem to get my **** together. since then i've turned my life around...i'm back in school, have a full time day job, drink less and just make better choices overall. Seeing this, he was so proud of me and we started to rekindle our relationship. this past weekend i invited him out with some mutual friends, yet he declined...so i called one of my best friends, kim, to come out with us instead. (the two of them cannot be in the same room together...they HATE each other and it seems to always turn ugly) well kim shows up...and keith shows up about an hour later (unexpected) of course i'm thrilled to see him, and out of respect for me, kim and my friends tolerate it. well, after a few drinks, things get out of control. kim, and another friend just start dogging on him. they tell me that i'm a fool for loving him, he doesn't love me, i could do so much better, he's a jerk...yadda yadda yadda. i'm unaware that keith can hear all this, and i make yet another pour choice - to do not defend him. sure i said a meek "you don't know him like i do" but i should've stepped up and asked them to shut up if they respected me at all. keith was crushed. his hurt has turned into anger and it seems as if he hates me. i am so angry at myself for allowing it to happen, and i have said something to my friends since then..but he wont talk to me....i want to make this better...i'm so sick of hurting him...i know that i can do better at loving him, but i don't know how and i don't know how to make him see that. he is sick of hearing "i'm sorry" iwhat do i do?????????? please help 1
Devils Advocate Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 ...What do you want to hear ? You have already stated that you know what the problem is, where you made mistakes and what he responds to. He responds to actions not words. When you step up and DO something instead of just apologizing for not doing anything then maybe he'll give you another chance. Decide what is more important to you, "friends" who won't respect you, your significant other, or your choices OR someone who appears to care enough about you that he'll put up with as much of your garbage as he already has. Time to grow up and choose your friends or your man, which is more valuable to you ?? Personally I'd never take you back, with the host of problems you have admitted to and not even being able to expect you to defend/respect him in front of others makes you a poor choice for any man. 1
Author courtstah Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 ouch, i guess the truth hurts. you're right, i have some growing up to do...and although it probably offers no solace to him, i have since then done the right thing and spoke with my friends about the situation. one of them is quite angry with me about it...she thinks i'm a fool for wanting him back (this is our mutual friend, not just mine!) and she feels that i'm choosing him over her. that's just not the case. i refuse to choose anyone over another...but i will demand respect. yes, i messed up...but you do not know my "host of problems" and how the compare to the qualities that make me a good girlfriend. yes, i do need to grow up, but i came here for support and helpful advice on how to "DO" - not to hear what a horrible person i am. I deal with that on my own and don't need it hammered in my head. regardless, thanks for your time... courtney
beangirl46 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Courtney, I disagree with Devil's condemnation. I don't think there is anything in your initial post that indicates you are a horrible person. To the contrary, you are someone who is aware of where she needs to improve, is open about it, and wants to take action to correct it. That is more than we can say for a lot of people-- and more than we can say for alot of guys-- wouldn't you say Devil? It seems like you have already made a lot of improvements to your life already-- going back to school, cutting back on drinking, etc. I think there's a lot to say for that. Further, you do not give us enough basis for a condemnation, as you only twice note things you think you did wrong: 1) When you say you made "poor choices" and 2) Where you mention you did not defend your bf strongly enough. (You even made an attempt at doing so, you just didn't do it strongly enough.) Besides that, all I have to say, based on what I know, is: Decide what you want, get your act together, and go for it. -BeanGirl
Devils Advocate Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Courtney, I disagree with Devil's condemnation. I don't think there is anything in your initial post that indicates you are a horrible person. To the contrary, you are someone who is aware of where she needs to improve, is open about it, and wants to take action to correct it. That is more than we can say for a lot of people-- and more than we can say for alot of guys-- wouldn't you say Devil? It seems like you have already made a lot of improvements to your life already-- going back to school, cutting back on drinking, etc. I think there's a lot to say for that. Further, you do not give us enough basis for a condemnation, as you only twice note things you think you did wrong: 1) When you say you made "poor choices" and 2) Where you mention you did not defend your bf strongly enough. (You even made an attempt at doing so, you just didn't do it strongly enough.) Besides that, all I have to say, based on what I know, is: Decide what you want, get your act together, and go for it. -BeanGirl Disagree with my comments if you choose but I ask you to simply re-read her inital post. Her statements that she made willfully multiple bad choices that hurt someone who cares for her is the definition of someone who is or is becoming a horrible person. I make no distinctions between men or women who talk about where they need to improve but don't and fail to see why it is relevant to this topic. Now why do you need more information before you can apply your condemnation. There is no need to mull over the details, she has stated that she has wronged and harmed another and is ashamed of her actions. Take her at her word apply the basics of morality and common decency and instruct her to improve. Demanding details so you can rake them over the coals for the world to see is borderline sadistic voyeurism.
Author courtstah Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 What i came here for is advice...for no one here can argue whether or not I'm a bad person - you don't know me. I'm not good at showing love sometimes, and I'm asking the forum to help me....maybe i'm in the wrong place??
Devils Advocate Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 What i came here for is advice...for no one here can argue whether or not I'm a bad person - you don't know me. I'm not good at showing love sometimes, and I'm asking the forum to help me....maybe i'm in the wrong place?? If you are looking for someone to hold your hand and tell you it's okay I'd recommend family or a support group. However if you want advice on how to fix it then stop whining, accept your mistakes and do the right thing. 1
WindDrifter Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Courtstah, I think Devils Advocate may be harsh here. Objectively I know as a man if my gf was with her friends and she didn't say anything to stick up for me then I would take that as my GF feels the same way about me. You must learn who you are. Are you some person who gets swayed but what others believe you should do and act or are you your own person. If you are your own person you will realise that those that love you will support you always and not only when going out to a pub or when you are buying a drink. To be honest even though you spoke to your g/f afterwards it wouldn't make a difference. You show how you feel when in a group and at the time. To say I didn't want to then shows how much you really feel about him and where you put him in the relationship ladder. I think it is a matter of choosing bf over friends but you need to have both in a good relationship. Both partners need to have their friends and time away from each other sometimes. I would always back my gf over the friends as I love her completely. A mate of mine just broke up with his GF as she was just fitting him around her lifestyle going out clubbing with her gf's and ditching him. He was angry because after all the times she said I love and miss you and want to be with you her actions told him a totally different story. As a man I want to know that my gf wants to make choices while considering my feelings and position without me having to remind her to think of me. If that makes sense. I want to know that the other person is no longer just thinking about themselve but rather of us as a couple. I guess the age old saying of actions are worth a thousands words. I hope this helps and you are going to have some tough choices ahead of you. Good Luck, WD
Author courtstah Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 first of all, i would like to respond to Devil's reply: I am not looking for someone to hold my hand, I am looking for real advice on how to do the right thing. I am not weak at heart, I made a mistake. What makes me a better person is that I accept that I am at fault, regardless of the mistakes that have been made by him, I want to do the right thing...that is the type of person that I am and will always be. I care about someone and I have not shown it; I want to be better and that is why I posted here. Regardless, things have been brewing...I have realized that I need to give him space to decide whether or not he can forgive me. However the situation is quite complicated...I work as a bartender 3 nights a week where his best friend is the owner. I am also an office manager..the owner of the company happnens to be a fairly good friend to him. Many of our friends are mutal as well...I do not know how to give him the space he needs without compromising my human needs...as in money to pay for school, food, bills, etc...how do I do this???? I know that I messsed up, I have to lie in the bed that i made...but most importantly, I want him to be ok. I cannot make him better...only time will make him not bitter....how do I give him space away while making sure that I can eat?? I'm scared and angry at myself...I will live with my mistakes...but how do i make this better for him??? please help...I am broken and ashamed...any response would be appreciated. I hope everyone else is making it through..and I hope you know, just as i do, that things get better....the in between is the scary part...
Devils Advocate Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 No, what makes you a better person is knowing that you have done wrong and doing what you have to do to fix it. Space with no explanation or trying to fix it is simply affirming to him that he matters less than they do. You must show him that you know what you and your friends did was wrong and call them on it in front of him. Tell them you won't accept that kind of behaviour again. Then you apologize to him, let him know that you know he needs space and that you will be waiting for his decision whether he can be with you again. After that step back and go to work, he will know where you are when he makes his decision and you confronting the issue you directly will show him how much you've changed and how much you care. It's called confronting mistakes as an adult and you will earn much respect in the eyes of other adults. Try it and see what happens. first of all, i would like to respond to Devil's reply: I am not looking for someone to hold my hand, I am looking for real advice on how to do the right thing. I am not weak at heart, I made a mistake. What makes me a better person is that I accept that I am at fault, regardless of the mistakes that have been made by him, I want to do the right thing...that is the type of person that I am and will always be. I care about someone and I have not shown it; I want to be better and that is why I posted here. Regardless, things have been brewing...I have realized that I need to give him space to decide whether or not he can forgive me. However the situation is quite complicated...I work as a bartender 3 nights a week where his best friend is the owner. I am also an office manager..the owner of the company happnens to be a fairly good friend to him. Many of our friends are mutal as well...I do not know how to give him the space he needs without compromising my human needs...as in money to pay for school, food, bills, etc...how do I do this???? I know that I messsed up, I have to lie in the bed that i made...but most importantly, I want him to be ok. I cannot make him better...only time will make him not bitter....how do I give him space away while making sure that I can eat?? I'm scared and angry at myself...I will live with my mistakes...but how do i make this better for him??? please help...I am broken and ashamed...any response would be appreciated. I hope everyone else is making it through..and I hope you know, just as i do, that things get better....the in between is the scary part...
Author courtstah Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 I've done that devil...kim ( the main one that was dogging him ) even called him and personally apolozied to him after I told her how important it was to me...there's nothing left for me to do to make this better. He has to decicde whether or not I'm worth it, and if he doesn't...well that sucks...but would I expect anything less?? Honestly, no. I just want him to be ok...tonight (tuesday) is the night where about 15 of us (him and mutual friends) meet up for dinner and drinks...I wanted/needed to see my friends so bad, yet I knew that he needed that support [from them] more than I...so I stayed home...honestly, I want him to be better...my most important question is how to do that. I respect your opinion, so other than cutting me down, can you offer any real solutions to my problem?
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