Life after the affair

[Anonymous]

I thought I’d share my experience here, as this has been a place I’ve turned to for advice over the years. Often, the advice came from people who hadn’t personally experienced an affair, so I wanted to offer my perspective from firsthand experience.

 

I’m 50, and I had a 14-year affair with a married man while I was in a marriage myself. It was on and off for year, sometimes it felt intense, other times it fizzled out, but it always seemed to reignite. My own marriage was troubled; my husband was a serial cheater. I should have left long before I did, but I stayed for the sake of our children. His cheating was mostly superficial, involving other women and even prostitutes and escorts. Nothing felt meaningful, but it caused huge upheaval in our relationship whenever it came to light. Over time, I fell out of love with him. I lost care and respect and felt unfulfilled and unwanted.

 

Eventually, I entered an affair myself, long after taking my husband back multiple times. It wasn’t planned, it just happened with a man I worked with. For a long time, it wasn’t sexual, but I fell deeply in love. I felt like a teenager again, excited, seen, desired, and trusted him in ways I never had with my husband. The more connected I became with him, the more I emotionally detached from my husband, until we were practically strangers.

 

My affair partner’s marriage was different. He claimed to be happy at home, and his wife seemed perfect. For him, it was mostly an escape and sex-based. After 14 years, we hit a wall, he didn’t feel the same love I did, and I couldn’t continue living unfulfilled. Ending the affair was devastating. He had been the glue holding my life together for years, and without him, I couldn’t tolerate my husband. When I ended things, I came clean to my husband, and we divorced. More of his infidelities came to light, but nothing meaningful. I don’t know which is worse—just sex or falling in love, but I hadn’t loved my husband for a long time, so I barely grieved that marriage.

 

Ending the affair, however, was excruciating. I’ve never felt emotional pain like that, intense, physical, consuming. I lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep, withdrew socially, and my sexual desire vanished. I spiraled into a mental health crisis. I sought intensive therapy, which helped me understand how an affair affects the brain, it can become addictive, like a drug. Morals, boundaries, and even a sense of self are dimmed, and the brain fixates on that “hit.” I went through months of withdrawal, but after 15 months, I finally feel some light at the end of the tunnel. I went cold turkey, and I haven’t spoken to my affair partner for nearly 13 months. I’ve heard his wife stayed with him.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions and the person I became. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, and I put someone else in that position. I regret it every day. I still think about my affair partner and feel love for him, but I also see how he used me, keeping me on a string for years. That hurt, not just me, but also his wife. If I could go back, I would have ended my own marriage rather than engaging with another person’s spouse. I’ve learned the hard way that two wrongs don’t make a right.

 

I wouldn’t judge anyone who falls into a love affair, it’s a painful and complex place to be. From my experience, being in the affair hurt far more than being cheated on.

 

I wish anyone reading this the love and strength to heal, whether you were the one in the affair or the one discovering it. May God be with you.

[stillafool]

I wish you weren't Anonymous so we could remember your story and realize how far you've come.   I'm really happy for you that you are on the other side of your affair and have put that behind you.  It sounds like you did the right thing by divorcing your husband since you didn't love him.  This frees both of you up to find partners who will make you happy.  I'm not surprised that the OM is still with his wife.  Most men don't have affairs because they no longer love their wives, they just want extra.  Your affair partner didn't use you or keep you on a string for years.  You gave yourself to him and stayed in an affair with him for years.  You could have stopped if you had really wanted to.  I wish you well going forward and I hope you find the love that you seek.