Why wont he give me hope of any future together after 2 1/2 years?

[drkhairbeauty]

My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. He is 10 years younger than I am. He is 27. I have two kids living with me part time and he has none. We don't live together. I am so confused and do not know if I should continue on with this relationship. We both love eachother very much. Or at least, he tells me that he does. He's alot of talk and little action. Anyways, lately he's been talking about buying property in IDAHO (we are in California). he calls it an investment. When he talks about things in the future it's always "He's" gonna do and not "We're" gonna do. I asked him if we could go do the property thing together...he kind of paused a little and said "no".( He doesn't want to move to Idaho. He wants to remain in Cali and carry on with his business and just have the property for an investment.) He lives above a shop in a tiny one room studio (with no kitchen) so you'd think he'd want to invest in something closer to home. Anyways, he makes me feel like he's happy just the way things are and never wants to change them...meaning "making a life eventually with me..".(doesn't have to include marriage) He likes milking the cow, but doesn't like feeding it.

[kitkat.]

Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time of it.

 

From an outsiders point of view, I'd suggest working out what your expectations are in the relationship. For instance, are you happy for him to stay in that appartment indefinitely? I'm guessing not. It sounds like you'd like him to move in with you? Are there other senarios that would also suit you, such as moving somewhere else together or would you be happy living apart longer term? Also, what are your limits on this? For instance, would you be happy to live separately, as long as you would be living together within the next 3 years....basically, try and think through your expectations and also what areas you are and are not willing to compromise.

 

Then I guess you need to find out from him how he feels on the same issues. You don't have to be confrontational about it but ask him what his hopes are and which of these plans would be flexible. Basically, suss out whether you are coming from the same place on these issues. That might give you something to work with.

 

Good luck

[temptris33]

Thank you. I guess I just want to know that he is thinking of a future with me. I mean, after 2 1/2 yrs I would think its enough time to know if you're going to be planning a future together or not. I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time with him. He does know that I don't want to live with someone unless we are married. I've done this before and didn't care for it. I just feel that I would be good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry. You are right. We need to share the same values on things. I'm just not very good at expressing myself to him without tearing up. I also don't want to sound like I want to run away and get married tomorrow or else....I guess I just want to feel that he is including me in his life in the future and not get the run around. I don't want to waste another two years if it's not going somewhere eventually.

[cygny]

Thank you. I guess I just want to know that he is thinking of a future with me. I mean, after 2 1/2 yrs I would think its enough time to know if you're going to be planning a future together or not. I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time with him. He does know that I don't want to live with someone unless we are married. I've done this before and didn't care for it. I just feel that I would be good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry. You are right. We need to share the same values on things. I'm just not very good at expressing myself to him without tearing up. I also don't want to sound like I want to run away and get married tomorrow or else....I guess I just want to feel that he is including me in his life in the future and not get the run around. I don't want to waste another two years if it's not going somewhere eventually.

 

 

I think you are in a delicate situation and you know you have time invested with no assurances. You are at an age where you have some experience and know what you want. He seems to be still exploring and thinking of his future in terms of being single. That is understandable but you have to put your own needs first. After two and a half years you know each other pretty well. Although he may just not be at a point in his life where he is ready, you should have a firm idea in your head how long YOU are willing to wait and at that time move forward together or move on without him.