Atreyu123 Posted September 12 Posted September 12 I (27M) have been with my fiancée (24F) for almost 5 years. We have kids together, and life is already a handful between work, bills, and raising little ones. What’s making things harder is that my fiancée has a lot of unresolved trauma and mental health struggles. Here’s the issue: every time she feels stressed, overwhelmed, or down, it falls directly on my shoulders. If the kids act up, she gets overwhelmed and starts yelling, and then I’m the one who has to calm everyone down. If she feels depressed, I step in to keep things together. When I try to give her constructive suggestions, like easier ways to handle bedtime, or cheaper activities we can do with the kids instead of spending money, she gets overwhelmed, starts overthinking, and sometimes breaks down crying. I try to comfort her when she’s upset, because I know she needs it in the moment. But it feels like my own needs never get met. I carry my own problems too (work, health issues, money worries), but it seems invisible to her. It’s like she assumes everything I do is easy for me, and she doesn’t realize how much I’m overcompensating when she crashes. On the flip side, when she does try to “help,” it often goes to the extreme and makes me feel useless—like if I say I’m tired, she’ll try to take over everything as if I can’t do anything at all. I love her, and I don’t want to “fix” her. I just want her to be more independent, to carry her own share without collapsing under it, and to not project all her trauma onto me. But I can’t shake this nagging feeling: maybe I am being selfish for wanting her to be more stable, when I know what she’s been through.
BaileyB Posted September 14 Posted September 14 (edited) Do you have the ability to get some counselling - individual and marriage counselling? That would be my suggestion - the two of you need to have a discussion about how to do life together - to communicate and divide the labour and support each other in a way that both people feel heard and supported but also learn to self regulate and handle some of your own stuff… I would suggest that’s best to happen with the guidance of a counsellor. Edited September 14 by BaileyB
Els Posted September 15 Posted September 15 (edited) My heart breaks for your fiancee. She's only 24, and already a mother and struggling with mental health, finances, and unresolved trauma. She's just a kid, yet the weight of the entire world is upon her. And you're barely older than a kid yourself. You two are in such a difficult situation - this isn't something that can easily be resolved. She'll need to get therapy for her mental health struggles and trauma... but at the same time in order to get said therapy, she'll need money and spare time. Is there any way at all that you can make this happen? How did you two end up having multiple children at such a young age, especially considering the fact that she already struggles with mental health and finances are so tight? Was it planned, and if so whose idea was it? Did contraception fail multiple times? If it did, have you both done anything to prevent it from happening again? Edited September 15 by Els
Recommended Posts