utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I'm hoping for some advice . . . Less than a year ago, I began seeing an amazing woman. She treated me so well, and we really clicked. Butterflies and the whole bit. Everything was going very well, but she got injured several months ago. The injury appears to be chronic, and it may take a year or more for her to heal. Unfortunately, this means she's unemployed and can do very little for herself. I'm in my mid twenties and don't know that I'm ready to take care of someone like this, but I'm battling with myself that it is the right thing to stay with someone through the bad times. I plan(ned) on marrying this person, but am starting to feel like she'll never get better. The injury prohibits most things that keep a relationship going - the passion has been eliminated by the injury. I do love her very much. Looking for any sort of advice . . .
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 That is a very tough place to be in. How serious are her injuries? I mean, what do the DR's say about her recovery? I know you love her, but a year isn't that long to "have" to stay with her, especially if you're not engaged. Did you tell her or talk about marriage before the accident? For your own peace of mind, really take time to figure this out. Don't rush this choice. It's an awful place to be in, but you do have to look out for yourself. Is that selfish? Yes, but it is YOUR life too. Not only hers. If you feel that her injury could change things forever, somehow you need to accept that and a possible tough life - Or start out again. You are important too, so remember that.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 up to you really. depends on how strongly you feel about her, i suppose. marriage is a commitment and if you were willing to do that, then i guess you are now reconsidering the burden she might be in the future? or is this a temporary injury and you want to leave her and then come back to her when she's fit again? if this is going to require ongoing sacrifice on your part while you are still young, then it is a big decision, and no right or wrong answers.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 i can tell you that if this injury requires you to take care of her for the rest of your life, to be very very sure that you love her more than anything else and would always feel that void without her. my father had crippling arthritis from the time he was 30 and my parents didn't really love each other enough. It was frustrating for my mother who was naturally pretty active and never really got to have much fun because my father's health pretty much kept her grounded. perhaps you should delay marriage for some years until you are sure where this is headed and how you feel about it. i also know of a fit man who married a woman who was confined to a wheelchair because he would never have found someone else like her. but he was quite mature, in his late 30's, when he made that decision. 1
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Thank you for the response(s). Here is a little more details . . . 1.) Her Dr's are unable to find anything wrong with her with traditional tests, so they have diagnosed chronic back pain. This means she eats a bunch of painkillers every day. Physical Therapy starts soon, and the estimate is 1-2 years of recovery. 2.) Other things keep coming up . . . stomach aches, sore throat, cold, etc. 3.) She says things like "I'm dying" and "you don't even care" 4.) I've become totally desensitized when she complains about ailaments because it has become constant. Sometimes I think she is faking it, but the pain sure does seem real. 5.) We've been fighting a lot and she's offered to go to a friends house for a while. While she's staying there so we can work things out, she wants me to give her rides to the DR and such. 6.) Even though I love her a lot I think she has some serious psychological issues. I would hope we can work things out, but I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. I also fear that she might harm herself or others if I break up with her at this point. Reading my post it seems pretty obvious that I shouldn't be involved with this relationship. I guess I need some advice on how to end it without her doing something hurtful to herself or me.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 oh that's a tough one. she is probably at her lowest point, and needs as much emotional support as she can get. maybe you can ease it over into friendship and then start easing yourself out? of course it will be difficult and I do not envy you. but since you are unable to be physical anyway, and good that she is not at your place. i guess it may come down to explaining that until she is better and you two can resume a normal relationship, that you have to continue to live normally for yourself?? you can still reassure her of your love and caring without continuing to make it romantic. i think a clean break might do her in. just my take. but it does sound like you still care about her. your first post called her an amazing woman. and i'm sure you want to be a good friend to her. have you suggested counselling? this sort of health issue is very very difficult to deal with. especially since it has basically crippled her and left her in uncertainty. anybody in her position would need support and someone to talk to. her issues may be normal for someone in her situation. 1
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 During our arguments over the past week or so, I've basically told her that I'm not able to take care of her at this time in my life. Unfortunately, she associates this with no loving her anymore - definitely not the case. I really love her and want things to work, but they aren't. I fear that going to friend status may be the best thing to do, I really can be there for her but I will have to cut off the financial help as that is one of the things that is making this impossible. Without money she won't be able to heal, and she'll go back to work which will aggravate her injuries. I've already spent every dime I have and took out all the credit I could to help, now I'm broke too. I'm good at making money - but it takes time. Taking care of her also takes time and leaves little opportunity for increasing my income. I just don't want her to feel abandoned . . . I did promise her I'd stick through this with her but there doesn't seem to be a real end in sight. Her DR advised her to seek counseling, and she intends on doing so. The friend she is going to go live with is in the same position as she is, but much much older and far better off financially.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 just curious---how this relationship started being as you have a wife?
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 She does need counselling and it's good that is planning on following through on that. It possible that her accident has thrown her into the world of Fibromalyia, RA etc...Could explain the awful feelings she is having. You have to look out for you, I hope she understands that. I mean, it does sound like she is upset, and she has every right to feel that way, but also she has to know that you DO love her, but due to circumstances, your lives together will not be easy. That is alot to ask of someone who is young and has a whole life ahead to live.
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 ?? - Fibromalyia, RA - not sure what these are I had a wife before, but the divorce is now final. She cheated on me while we were married and after a year of trying to work things out she kept cheating so I left. I had been seperated for quite some time before I started this new relationship. This has no bearing on my current dilemna.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 but...in your other thread i read you said you weren't divorced, had only been separated a few months, and would not be the one to file? that you didn't even know whether you should date and whether to tell the other person you were married? I'm confused...
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 I told the other person, who I am currently with. She accepted it and has been with me since, the divorce is now final. I have been completely honest with this person. This all happened in the span of under a year. We fell for each other right when we started dating, very strongly and the fact that I had a cheating stbx a thousand miles away was deemed irrelevant after discussing it with her. Two months after we started dating we moved in together, the previous place we were living in (apt) was sold out from under us and it wound up being convenient to cohabitate. At the current time, my issue is as stated above and the ex is out of the picture.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 but how can that be? your other thread is like a week old...and you didn't even know whether you should date? and weren't even going to file for divorce? what is going on????
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 The other post was in January 2005. It is now just over a year old. New Years confusion? Look, I'm an honest person and really am seeking your help.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 ok misread the date. to answer your question, i don't see how this woman can NOT feel abandoned, ya know? I don't see a way out of that. you planned to marry and now you are pulling the plug. there is no way to deny that. yet i still think it has to be your decision. everyone has a right to live their own life. you aren't married yet. i don't know what kind of other promises you have made to her but this is basically going to be a broken engagement. happens all the time. the fact that she is so ill makes it tragic and complicated and there aren't any easy answers. ideally if you had a change of heart about marrying her you would follow through with the other support you have promised. What will she do without you? what are the consequences? could your conscience live with those?
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I will tell you what happened to a friend of mine. His girlfriend was diabetic and was blind. then she developed chronic fatigue syndrome and was too exhausted to pursue training for a job. The illness may be similar to your girlfriend's there isn't a way to conveniently diagnose it or even define it but people who have it are exhausted and this woman developed a terrible case of insomnia she literally could not sleep. If you have ever been in a place where you cannot go to sleep and rest you know that this would drive you crazy. She became very desperate. her father put her in a new age health oriented hospice in the country 3 hours away from the boyfriend who had a stressful job in the city. the boyfriend would go to see her every weekend but it was getting him down. this just kept getting worse she wasn't getting any better and he was now getting exhausted too and wasn't exactly enjoying himself. finally she couldn't stand it anymore and one night she set herself on fire. it was the weekend he decided it was all too much and he couldn't come to see her. she died an agonizing death after lingering for a few days. he now has to carry that around with him. do i blame him? no. but she did need support. perhaps more than anyone could give her but she really was a fantastic and wonderful person--it's just that her situation was more than she herself could deal with, alone.
Author utopia Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 No easy answer. I didn't think there would be one. Argggh. If I look at it practically, the solution is obvious. I want kids and a family, and I want to be able to take care of them financially. I don't see this happening with someone that has chronic health problems. I'll either wind up strapped all the time, unemployed because I have to play dad while she lie suffering, etc. If I look at it emotionally, it is much more complicated. I really love this girl, she's honest, loving and caring and beautiful. She also wants a family, everything about her was perfect until the day she fell . . . and then began to fall apart. Tragic. I need to find a way to balance compassion and common sense.
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