Should I initiate contact again or is it a lost cause?

[Al0472]

I met this girl back in January through some mutual friends while we were out at a bar. At the time, she had just ended a two-year relationship a couple of weeks earlier. We hit it off right away. What started as something casual-mostly meeting up when were out partying and going home together-quickly grew into something more serious. We started dating, and although we never officially called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, our connection felt just as close.

From January to June we spent a lot of time together- by the end, we were practically seeing each other every day. When summer came, she moved back home, about seven hours away, since she had finished her studies in my hometown for good. During those months together, I made it clear I wanted a relationship. She admitted she was interested, but also said she wasn't ready, afraid of being hurt like she was in her last relationship.

Even after she moved home, we stayed in touch, talking for hours every day for about a month. We even planned a holiday together. But when I saw her again after that month apart, things felt different. She seemed distant, and after a couple of days she told me she still wasn't ready for a relationship. Still saying she still was afraid to get hurt which was- to be honest a bit weird to me, seeing I had done nothing, but trying to prove her otherwise. She literally said to me that her and her girl-friends talk about how perfect I treated her and that every girl should have one of me. Later that summer, she moved to Barcelona for a year to study with two of her girl-friends, and said long-distance wasn't something she could commit to. She still hoped I would visit, but I told her I couldn't justify the cost-and honestly, I was also worried about how look to others. People had already commented that it was strange I went on a holiday with someone I wasn't officially with, so I couldn't help but think about how it would come across if I spent hundreds of euros to visit her abroad.

Looking back, I realize that probably pushed her away even more. After our trip, she messaged me saying she wanted "as little contact as possible" while she was in Barcelona. Now, a month and a half later, I regret what I said. I think I let other people's opinions influence me instead of listening to what I really wanted.

So now I'm torn: should I reach out and tell her how I feel (and maybe ask if she is down to have me come visit her), or accept that it's a lost cause?

[Gebidozo]

You don’t need to tell her how you feel, she’d already known that and yet decided she didn’t want a relationship.

Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your unwillingness to go visit her that made it a lost cause. It had been a lost cause way before that, when she kept saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Not going to Barcelona was a wise decision on your part. Contacting her again wouldn’t be wise. It’s over and you should move on and focus on finding a partner who would be actually willing to be in a relationship with you. Hopefully also someone who doesn’t live too far away, because long distance relationships are indeed very hard to maintain.

[Alpacalia]

She was two weeks fresh out of a long-term relationship.

Six months of not defining what you were was a mistake on your part.

No clarity in your relationship.

That context mattered. And while you felt your connection grew stronger over time, the lack of clear definition between you two—no labels, no shared expectations—left the relationship floating in ambiguity. For six months, you operated in a gray area.

Flash forward to now ---> how fair of her asking you to visit and then getting pissy after she's explicitly said on several occasions she doesn't want a relationship with you. She said she wants as little contact as possible—there’s no reason for you to chase after someone who’s already asked for distance and has distanced themselves away from you. 

 

Edited Thursday at 01:30 AM by Alpacalia

[glows]

I don’t think it’s about her bu at all or being scared. She just isn’t that attracted or interested in you. Nope. Don’t contact her again or go back on what you said bc it’ll probably give her the ick. (Ie why is this guy so desperate for my attention that he can suddenly justify the euros to travel and how come suddenly what other people think don’t matter to him). You will just seem flaky, inconsistent and desperate. All for a person who probably isn’t that attracted to you. 

Remember you already laid your cards on the table (and probably several times). She’s not wanting what you’re offering so now it’s time to move on to someone else who will appreciate you

[ExpatInItaly]

It's a lost cause, man. 

She was clear she didn't want a relationship with you. That's all that really matters. It's a dead end. 

[Acacia98]

@Al0472: She wasn't interested enough to be in a relationship with you, but she was enjoying the attention. You did right by choosing not to go. We've all been in similar situations before, so we recognize the dynamic and understand how easy it is to grasp onto absolutely anything and convince yourself that there is a chance. There's no chance here. Please go no contact to give yourself some chance of recovery and then when you're ready, you can start dating again. This time, make sure you don't date women who have just recently broken up.