What's appropriate for a relationship with a bartender?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

New here, so thanks for holding this space. 

Background: I'm a 36 year old woman in a relationship with Joe, who is the same age. Joe and I have been together since we were in college, not yet married but hoping to in the next year or so. We live together.

Four years ago, we moved to a nice neighborhood with a local bar called Woodside. Woodside is a cool place with a welcoming clientele. When we first moved to the area, Joe didn't like going to Woodside, but I would go occasionally for concerts. 

However, in October of last year, Joe started going to Woodside by himself. This didn't bother me per se, until Joe started staying out until 2-3am without calling or texting. I told him it bothered me that he stayed out that late with no contact, but I didn't want to tell him to stop going. He made it a habit of going every Tuesday.

The Tuesday shift is staffed by a bartender named Marie. I have to work early on Wednesdays, so I can't really go on the days Marie works. Joe and Marie must have become friends, because Joe wound up selling Marie a used motorcycle - however, Joe told me it was going to be sold to Marie's cousin, and not Marie herself - I only found out through a mutual friend. I thought it was weird to not tell the truth about selling a motorcycle.

Fast forward to this year. Joe says he doesn't talk to Marie very much, and they hardly know each other. However, I discovered that Marie tells Joe what shifts she is working. The motorcycle also has a lot of issues that require Marie to reach out to Joe pretty frequently. I only met Marie about two months ago, and she's nice to me for the most part. However, I'm really bugged out that Joe just isn't direct with me about Marie. Am I wrong to be weirded out that Marie texts Joe her shifts, and that he hasn't been forthcoming with me about her? He is starting to get annoyed with me for still not being comfortable with her, and I feel guilty about that.

Thanks all for listening.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/10/2025 at 5:39 PM, Anonymous said:

However, I discovered that Marie tells Joe what shifts she is working. The motorcycle also has a lot of issues that require Marie to reach out to Joe pretty frequently.

How did you discover all of this? 

On 9/10/2025 at 5:39 PM, Anonymous said:

Am I wrong to be weirded out that Marie texts Joe her shifts, and that he hasn't been forthcoming with me about her?

I would not be comfortable with this, either. I think you are correctly identiyfing a rift in your relationship and your partner's possible interest in someone else. 

On 9/10/2025 at 5:39 PM, Anonymous said:

not yet married but hoping to in the next year or so.

Why haven't you rmade concrete plans or already got married, if that's what you both want? You've been together a long time and both of you seem to want marriage so I am wondering what the delay is. This might help us get a better overall sense of where your relationship is at, and if there are other issues underlying Joe's apparent interest is this woman. 

[flitzanu]

you say you've been together "since college" but without years, so based on college at 18, and you're 36, are you saying you've been dating this guy for 18 years and you haven't gotten married yet?

as for the bartender, yes be suspicious of your boyfriend, but also don't forget that bartenders are great at keeping clients, and she may just be pumping him for money.

[Sanch62]

On 9/10/2025 at 11:39 AM, Anonymous said:

Joe and I have been together since we were in college, not yet married but hoping to in the next year or so.

How many years have you been telling yourself this?

Whether the bartender is inappropriate for sharing her shift info isn't the issue. She suffers no consequences for sharing that with anyone she wants. The one who is treating you inappropriately is your BF. And it doesn't sound like he's going to change that.

You're the one with the limited fertility window, not BF. If you plan on marriage and family, you may want to consider how much longer you want to invest in someone who's tracking another woman and getting home at 3 in the morning.

He doesn't sound like husband material to me.