Constantly checking for infidelity

[Anonymous]

Hello community,

I been reading posts here for a while and noticed that most stories are shared from people’s own perspectives, often about infidelity or relationship struggles, and I want to share something I told no one.

A little about me – I been married for three years. Over time, I noticed that my husband has grown colder, especially when it comes to our intimacy. Sex is just not as passionate as it was in the beginning. This has made me increasingly worried about the possibility of infidelity. It’s not just a random fear—I’ve seen it happen in my own family. My father was unfaithful to my mother, my grandfather to my grandmother, and I’ve witnessed similar situations among close friends. On top of that, countless stories on this forum.

Because of this, I ended up getting a weekly report from DoTheySwipe—which checks if someone is on Tinder. I get updates about whether a profile matching his details shows up in our area.

Part of me feels a bit controversial. In a perfect relationship, I shouldn’t need to do this. But at the same time, it’s not just the idea of infidelity itself that scares me—it’s the not knowing. And this thought rationalizes that it’s okay. If I happen to wake up and see that he has Tinder, to me that’s the same as him sleeping with someone else. And I want to know it.

I keep thinking about my grandmother. She once discovered old letters from another woman addressed to my grandfather, forty years after the fact. The thought of living in uncertainty for decades, like she did, absolutely terrifies me.

Am I the only one who feels this way? To what extent do you feel like it’s okay to check your partner?

 

[Gebidozo]

As a formerly jealous and suspicious partner, I can tell you right away that you’re wasting your time and mental health on something that will never work and only make everything worse.

You will never know for sure that your husband isn’t cheating by checking his Tinder. You don’t need Tinder to cheat. Once you discover that he isn’t active on Tinder, will you know 100% that he isn’t cheating? No. You’ll suspect that he texts with women. So you’ll start checking his phone. And if you find nothing incriminating there, you’ll suspect he’s been deleting messages. Or maybe he just meets women outside. Or goes to brothels. What will come next? Spy cameras? Secret GPS tracking? Hiring a private detective?

You see where this is going? You crave 100% certainty, but that certainty cannot be obtained with material means and evidence. You can get evidence that your husband is cheating, but you’ll never to be able to get evidence that he isn’t cheating. Unless you lock him in a cage and supervise him 24/7, that is.

Not knowing is part of the deal that we get when we are in a relationship. You can only trust that your partner won’t cheat. Your partner is autonomous and has a free will. If he says he doesn’t cheat, you can trust him or not. And if you don’t, it means the relationship has serious problems regardless of whether he’s been cheating or not.

 

[Flinga]

I know how you feel. 

I don't think it's too much, clarity is important. Just be carefull not to go to rabit hole of starting to check the phone, ordering private investigators, things can spiral out of control pretty fast. It's pretty normal to be aware.

 

[LAspen]

It is a red flag. Cheaters are extremely cunning. Therefore, the absence of electronic evidence (on gadgets you know) regarding an affair does not mean the absence or continuation of an affair.
They can communicate not through a phone, iPad, or computer, but by meeting in person (at their works, at gym), using good old letters and notes. 
They can communicate through accomplices (his friends, relatives, coworkers).
He may have phones that you don't know about.
They can send messages to each other via push notifications from banks, transferring $1 to each other. 
AP can just come to your house when you're not there, and he can come to her without electronic traces.
They can use advanced modern phone apps that leave no trace.
You can be sure that he has not start an affair only if you take away all his gadgets, lock him at home, and you will be on duty at all the doors with a gun.
If you really want to make sure there's no affair, then hire a PI.
The current state of your marriage shows that you are destined to play the role of a cop and a detective while you are together.
Do a preliminary investigation, snoop through his phone/ipod/computer. If you have the money, it's better to hire a PI. 
Depending on the results of the investigation confront him. Of course, there are some chances that he has physical or mental health problems, but you must prepare for the worst case scenario.

[Jessica1992]

On 9/11/2025 at 9:34 AM, LAspen said:

It is a red flag. Cheaters are extremely cunning. Therefore, the absence of electronic evidence (on gadgets you know) regarding an affair does not mean the absence or continuation of an affair.
They can communicate not through a phone, iPad, or computer, but by meeting in person (at their works, at gym), using good old letters and notes. 
They can communicate through accomplices (his friends, relatives, coworkers).
He may have phones that you don't know about.
They can send messages to each other via push notifications from banks, transferring $1 to each other. 
AP can just come to your house when you're not there, and he can come to her without electronic traces.
They can use advanced modern phone apps that leave no trace.
You can be sure that he has not start an affair only if you take away all his gadgets, lock him at home, and you will be on duty at all the doors with a gun.
If you really want to make sure there's no affair, then hire a PI.
The current state of your marriage shows that you are destined to play the role of a cop and a detective while you are together.
Do a preliminary investigation, snoop through his phone/ipod/computer. If you have the money, it's better to hire a PI. 
Depending on the results of the investigation confront him. Of course, there are some chances that he has physical or mental health problems, but you must prepare for the worst case scenario.

That's a good idea. Thanks for the input