I got myself stuck in a situationship and I feel too confused to just give up but also stupid to have gotten too soft and still be crushing on him

[Guest]

So I've liked this guy from my university major for about a year and I learned a few months ago he liked me back, after I sent him a funny video. He's 19 and I'm 20. He was being really flirty with me while texting, and sending hearts, but I tried being friendly, just to be safe. He eventually asked me out. We went out and hit it off. He started touching my arm and back near the end of the hangout when we were alone at a park and basically turned it into a date. I was fine with it until he went in to kiss me. I refused to kiss him on a first date. He seemed to understand but the next days were very awkward, and while he asked me out again on a second date he eventually texted me to cancel it and saying that we should stay friends. I told him that's what I wanted from the start and asked him why he advanced on me romantically if he didn't feel like it? He told me he regretted doing that. I was disappointed but I understood. We then didn't contact each other for a month, but gradually we got closer again after I started sending him reels and him texting me. He came to a concert I was doing with my band, once. He asked me out again for a walk and I told him I couldn't at that time but would like to go out with him when I was back from my homeland. He said for sure and sent me a red heart. When I saw him irl for some class presentations we were doing he seemed really timid with me, so I suggested we exchange phone numbers to make him feel more comfortable. He asked me out a third time via call, and we went on two more dates, shorter ones and without much physical affection, but I found him really interesting and felt a little connection. I kissed his cheek on one of them and he seemed very pleased, even called me the next day. We talked on the phone almost everyday for two weeks. I admit, I didn't always pick his calls up immediately but I always made sure to call back within an hour.
After our third hangout I asked him if he wanted to hangout this time, so that it didn't seem one-sided on his part. He agreed, but the day before the hangout I happened to call him and he told me he had a fever so he couldn't go out. I understood, even felt bad for him, bad enough so that I suggested to make him some soup if he felt too sick. He called me the day after, but I didn't pick up and called him back after an hour, and I did some playful teasing on the fever subject (because I myself felt my ego drop after the soup suggestion). After our convo ended, he then stayed silent behind the speaker (he had done that before) without hanging up. I asked him if he wanted to say anything, to which he said no, and I told him "well then say goodbye and hang up!" In a joking way. He quickly told me goodbye and immediately hung up. It took me a bit to realise that whole interaction might've came across as rude to him. After that he never returned my next day call, and ghosted my greeting text that I sent a week later from the last call. He didn't even open the text for five days. 
A few days ago, I went to September exams, and he came in later than all of the students. I was too nervous to look at him, and tried to act like I wasn't looking, but he didn't even wave at me or greet me himself. He went to take a seat at the desk row that was next to mine, but as soon as he spotted an empty seat further in the back he went to sit there, further away from me. He left the exam earlier than the others, too. After I finished with mine, about two hours later, I was walking toward a bus station at the city centre. I stood there standing, thinking about where to head to next, and thinking about him, and by pure chance I see him cycling parallel from me. It's the first time I see him randomly outside of our university. At first I couldn't recognise him, being sleep deprived, so I stared at him trying to remember who he was reminding me of.
It was too late when I noticed he was staring back, looking kind of ashamed, cycling away. As he left I realised who he was. I didn't have a chance to greet him but he didn't either. He just stared at me. The day after we had another exam together, and I was sitting outside the building after I was done. I greeted him and he greeted me back and came near me and asked me how my summer went. We had a small convo and rode the bus together, but after we entered the bus he seemed distant, wearing his headphones after we were done talking and not even acknowledging me when I told him bye. He still seems to look at me in the eyes, but he also seems aloof when we talk, as if he's anxious. He has not contacted me at all since then but he still follows me on Instagram and watches my stories (i only share little critters).

[glows]

i think you did the right thing not wanting to kiss on the first date especially if you felt it was too rushed. He’s a bit inconsistent and why say it’s better to be friends after making romantic advances towards you. My thoughts are he got caught up in the moment and thought you were pretty, liked flirting but then backed out and realized he didn’t want anything serious. 

I can see you crushed really hard on this guy and wanted there to be more passion but you did also mention the 2 dates after the first had no physical connection. Maybe he tried to leave it in your court and you didn’t make any first moves so he gave up. By the time he got sick and all that things just lost steam. 

Both of you sound like you tried but you’re probably looking for something more long lasting and real, something with both emotional and physical connection. He wanted excitement and flirting and more physical affection which wasn’t there. 

You’ll be able to read what people want and expect next time and be more confident in communicating what you need. Right now he appears disinterested and possibly met someone new. Go back to what you’re looking for in a relationship and a partner you can really trust and enjoy time with. Is it this guy? Probably not

[Guest]

15 hours ago, glows said:

i think you did the right thing not wanting to kiss on the first date especially if you felt it was too rushed. He’s a bit inconsistent and why say it’s better to be friends after making romantic advances towards you. My thoughts are he got caught up in the moment and thought you were pretty, liked flirting but then backed out and realized he didn’t want anything serious. 

I can see you crushed really hard on this guy and wanted there to be more passion but you did also mention the 2 dates after the first had no physical connection. Maybe he tried to leave it in your court and you didn’t make any first moves so he gave up. By the time he got sick and all that things just lost steam. 

Both of you sound like you tried but you’re probably looking for something more long lasting and real, something with both emotional and physical connection. He wanted excitement and flirting and more physical affection which wasn’t there. 

You’ll be able to read what people want and expect next time and be more confident in communicating what you need. Right now he appears disinterested and possibly met someone new. Go back to what you’re looking for in a relationship and a partner you can really trust and enjoy time with. Is it this guy? Probably not

thing is i didnt really want anything serious atm either. i just wasnt ready to get physical immediatly after getting closer. i dont see how wanting to take your time and think it through is considered serious. Also, giving him a cheek kiss on the second hangout shouldve indicated to him wanting to get somewhat physical again. And we only started calling everyday because he'd called me after the second date and the next day I'd return the gesture etc etc. i dont know how the hell he couldve taken that as demanding commitment. is being clear about what you want or how you feel to one another too much to ask? is meeting up once or twice a week for a movie and making out considered serious??? i dont understand some people. i dont wanna bother with him anymore honestly. but one day i feel indifferent and the other im thinking "maybe..." and "what if" thats what pisses me off.

 

 

[Gebidozo]

OP, what’s your question here, exactly? What advice to you want?

All I can get from your description is that you’ve been giving mixed signals to a guy, understandably confusing him, and most probably also confusing yourself.

First you tell us that you like him. And yet you tell him you just want to be friends when he tries to kiss you. Then you keep indicating that you still might want something romantic, telling him flirty things. Then you announce that you didn’t want anything serious to begin with. Then you angrily state that you don’t want to “bother with him anymore”.

So what is it that you want? 

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like you wanted to start as friends but then your feelings grew over time …but he grew tired of your mixed signals—or at least what he may have perceived as mixed signals.

You were friendly at first, then affectionate, then teasing, then distant, then warm again. To someone who’s still figuring out emotional nuance, especially at 19, it might’ve felt like a rollercoaster he didn’t know how to ride.

 

Edited September 11 by Alpacalia

[glows]

14 hours ago, ire said:

thing is i didnt really want anything serious atm either. i just wasnt ready to get physical immediatly after getting closer. i dont see how wanting to take your time and think it through is considered serious. Also, giving him a cheek kiss on the second hangout shouldve indicated to him wanting to get somewhat physical again. And we only started calling everyday because he'd called me after the second date and the next day I'd return the gesture etc etc. i dont know how the hell he couldve taken that as demanding commitment. is being clear about what you want or how you feel to one another too much to ask? is meeting up once or twice a week for a movie and making out considered serious??? i dont understand some people. i dont wanna bother with him anymore honestly. but one day i feel indifferent and the other im thinking "maybe..." and "what if" thats what pisses me off.

 

 

You’re contradicting yourself quite a bit here bc someone who doesn’t care for anything serious would have gone on to like 6 other men by now and forgotten this dude’s face in half a minute. Literally forgotten his face and maybe even his name. You’re still thinking about him and getting worked up when you see him so no it doesn’t seem like just a passing phase. He was clearly more than that to you. 

I think he probably wanted to salvage being friends and possibly get lucky (get physical) at some point but it took way too much effort connecting with you or getting you to that point. Nothing wrong with that but just what it is. And no I don’t think it would have worked anyway bc he wasn’t that interested but you definitely seem to be.