Understanding more about myself after breakup

[SpaceMouse]

Hi, 

I recently went through a breakup and wanting to gain insights. This was my first long relationship that lasted a year and a half. And I'm currently wanting to self-reflect more to understand what I want in my next relationship, where I failed, and what I could've done better. 

I met my ex through a family friend. Due to her working environment in healthcare, she could only meet once per week and only has two days off a month (because of OT). I still pursued her, knowing that I would've liked to see her more, but I was willing to make that compromise. I did most of the planning because I enjoyed it, but it became difficult overtime to coordinate when she started pushing back certain dates due to timing concerns. If it didn't fit her schedule, I would try to find other things to do from walking dates, shopping, etc. She didn't really express interest on what she wanted to do, so most activities were typical go to the museum, archery, pottery class, etc. Any plans that I do weeks or months ahead such as planning a trip like going out of the country or to another state, she would dismiss the idea and say it's too far ahead to think about. 

Texting and in-person can be a mixed bag. I often take the initiative in our conversations, but often it always ends up with her not having strong opinions or lack of interest of the topics. I try to delve more into any hobbies she likes, from True-Crime podcasts to Food Adventure YouTube shows, but then she loses interest after a month and wouldn't continue talking about it. There have been times when I ask long term plans about marriage, kids, and housing where she has a general idea but doesn't want to think about much about it. 

Both of us have met each other family. All of her friends and family were a closely-knit group who cared immensely about her well-being. And my side of the family has gotten to meet her and enjoyed talking to her and getting to know her. 

Eventually, after our first anniversary, the tone has shifted. Her text started becoming less engaging and shorter. There was a general lack of physical intimacy, whether in public or private. Despite giving words of affirmation to her, she never really reciprocated once. We hardly fought or had any conflicts, which was weird when I think about it. But I didn't really confront on the issue and thought I should give her space and let time do its work. 

Two days after our date, the relationship ended via text late at night. Basically, she thought about it for a while, and she didn't see that our future aligned, and that we lacked compatibility. I didn't beg or plead or asked for closure. I figured that if this is how she wanted to end it (which sucked) I'll let her go. And currently I'm on NC for four weeks. 

I did go through a wide range of emotional male storm through those weeks. But I'm still trying to figure out what caused the breakup, or was it because lack of emotional connection, or something else. 

If anyone is willing to share their perspective, please do!

 

[Lotsgoingon]

First the blunt question: were you guys physically intimate? I can't totally tell here.

Second, uh, no big lesson to learn except don't date someone who is not available. No one (almost literally) is worth meeting only once a week. Now maybe if you already had a great bond and then the person has to work really hard for a while. Maybe then you want to endure their schedule.

But she was never available. Available means able and willing and taking the initiative to meet as frequently as you really want the person to meet--within reason. No, we don't need to see a partner every day. But if you want a partner that you see and deeply connect with 3 times a week, then you can not date someone like this.

Let's add on to that. This woman wasn't really interested in anything you were interested in. You don't need to lead a partner in shared interests. You're acting like she was a dead door knob that you had to twist. Don't date dead door knobs. If you can't deeply connect, don't date the person.

Keep moving until you find someone who is available, who you like and who likes you and see what happens. Even in that case, the person might not ultimately be compatible, but at least you have a reasonable chance for a good relationship.

Good luck. This is a mistake many of us make when we you're young (and sometimes when we're much older!). 

 

 

 

[SpaceMouse]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

First the blunt question: were you guys physically intimate? I can't totally tell here.

Second, uh, no big lesson to learn except don't date someone who is not available. No one (almost literally) is worth meeting only once a week. Now maybe if you already had a great bond and then the person has to work really hard for a while. Maybe then you want to endure their schedule.

But she was never available. Available means able and willing and taking the initiative to meet as frequently as you really want the person to meet--within reason. No, we don't need to see a partner every day. But if you want a partner that you see and deeply connect with 3 times a week, then you can not date someone like this.

Let's add on to that. This woman wasn't really interested in anything you were interested in. You don't need to lead a partner in shared interests. You're acting like she was a dead door knob that you had to twist. Don't date dead door knobs. If you can't deeply connect, don't date the person.

Keep moving until you find someone who is available, who you like and who likes you and see what happens. Even in that case, the person might not ultimately be compatible, but at least you have a reasonable chance for a good relationship.

Good luck. This is a mistake many of us make when we you're young (and sometimes when we're much older!). 

 

 

 

Mostly kept it light, but nothing too deep from arm locking, hugging, etc. 

Thank you, Lotsgoingon! I hope I can meet my person soon!

[glows]

You probably need to spend some time figuring out what matters to you in a relationship. Seems like you were too people pleasing and trying to cater to her constantly. I’d reflect on why you behave that way. Are you a bit too eager and desperate to be in a relationship? Dating her sounds horrible to be honest. There’s barely any availability, it doesn’t sound like she shared much or wasn’t as vulnerable or open and she wasn’t very interested. 

after 1.5 yrs of dating and meeting one another’s families and friends and all she can say is you were incompatible?! Are you kidding me. Sadly I don’t think you got a chance to spend much time with her so you probably truly don’t have a clue why she broke up with you. She was just that distant and you both didn’t know one another well. I’d usually say you would know but in this case I do believe you if you actually have no clue. 

Also the 4 weeks no contact thing. You go no contact to move on , period. Be fair to yourself that being friends is not in your best interests nor would it be appropriate to any new people you date. Cut ties and move on.

Edited Wednesday at 12:31 AM by glows

[SpaceMouse]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

You probably need to spend some time figuring out what matters to you in a relationship. Seems like you were too people pleasing and trying to cater to her constantly. I’d reflect on why you behave that way. Are you a bit too eager and desperate to be in a relationship? Dating her sounds horrible to be honest. There’s barely any availability, it doesn’t sound like she shared much or wasn’t as vulnerable or open and she wasn’t very interested. 

after 1.5 yrs of dating and meeting one another’s families and friends and all she can say is you were incompatible?! Are you kidding me. Sadly I don’t think you got a chance to spend much time with her so you probably truly don’t have a clue why she broke up with you. She was just that distant and you both didn’t know one another well. I’d usually say you would know but in this case I do believe you if you actually have no clue. 

Also the 4 weeks no contact thing. You go no contact to move on , period. Be fair to yourself that being friends is not in your best interests nor would it be appropriate to any new people you date. Cut ties and move on.

It's definitely the people-pleasing side of me. After I started writing in my journal to self-reflect, I realized I gave up too much of my time and energy for crumbs. So the past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out my own boundaries and what I want in a relationship. Definitely helped a ton!

Yeah, after this whole incident, I don't think I have the bandwidth to talk or see her in-person. I've blocked her social media and phone number so I can move on. At the moment, I just want to keep building the momentum of self-improvement.

Thank you, glows!

[glows]

That’s the spirit. Onwards and forwards. In your heart wish her the very best and no misgivings. You seem like you have a lot to offer. Your time and energy are precious too.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, SpaceMouse said:

Mostly kept it light, but nothing too deep from arm locking, hugging, etc. 

Wait, you dated this woman for a whole year and this is the most intimate you ever got? 

I am confused. 

[SpaceMouse]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, you dated this woman for a whole year and this is the most intimate you ever got? 

I am confused. 

There was kissing involved but never sex of any sort. I did bring up about sex a few times but was pushed back and evaded around the topic. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, OP, the more you write, the more it seems this woman was just not that into you. 

She barely had time for you, dodged talk of future plans, danced around the idea of getting more intimate...this is not someone who ever really invested in you. It sounds very one-sided, with you being much more into the relationship than she was. I am wondering why you stuck around for something that must've been quite unfulfilling for you. 

Hopefully in the future you will let go of dead ends like this more quicky. 

 

[flitzanu]

yeah i hate to be harsh, but it doesn't even sound like you were actually dating.

you were together a year and a half and you never had any type of sexual intimacy?  

you sound really nice, and she sounds exhausting.  

from what you've described, i don't think you have much to learn about your mistakes because the only mistake i'm seeing was that you held on to this "relationship" for wayyyyy tooo longggg when it hardly seems like a relationship other than being pals.

the only lesson i can give, when people want to be together and spend time together, they find ways to make that happen.  a person giving constant excuses is almost the same as just saying "no"

[SpaceMouse]

Looking back, it was definitely poor judgment on my end. I've given the relationship too many tries to the point where I ignored my own needs and a few red flags. It's a bitter learning experience, but I need to be more selfish and draw my own boundaries in future relationships.  

Part of me still misses her, but I'm hoping I can move on quick and meet someone that matches my energy. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just remind yourself--you are literally figuring out whether a woman you meet is a good fit for dating. 

Lots of guys (and maybe women too) go into this mode of thinking, hey she said hi, she's friendly, she's pretty, I want date her. 

All you want is to go out on a date again to see if she is a good fit. And it can take a few months of serious dating and you might decide, "nope she and I aren't compatible." You probably knew after a month that this woman wasn't available but you were so into trying hard that you disconnected from your own disappointment. Pay attention to your disappointment.

You're falling far too hard before you know the person. 

[glows]

Do you miss her though or do you miss what you dreamed of together as a couple? There’s a difference. One is rooted in the reality of that person, who they really were in the relationship and how they added to your life(or not or even subtracted from it) and the latter is about what you hoped it should have been. 

It’s pretty common to miss someone but in actuality it’s not really them but what you wished for instead. Part of taking those rose coloured lenses off and facing reality.

[SpaceMouse]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Do you miss her though or do you miss what you dreamed of together as a couple? There’s a difference. One is rooted in the reality of that person, who they really were in the relationship and how they added to your life(or not or even subtracted from it) and the latter is about what you hoped it should have been. 

It’s pretty common to miss someone but in actuality it’s not really them but what you wished for instead. Part of taking those rose coloured lenses off and facing reality.

Dreaming as a couple, I would say.  It's still painful to think about, but the breakup was long overdue. The only thing that still bothers me now is how the relationship ended over text.

It's week 5 of NC. Haven't really heard or seen her, but I'm okay with that. Trying to find new activities to past the time and reflect a bit more.