We aren’t in an affair, but we aren’t just friends either.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be brutally honest, even though I am going to come across as a desperate home wrecking heart woman, but here it goes. 
 

I grew up in an abusive house hold, my parents were addicts and love wasn’t something I felt as a child, though I loved my parents despite thier faults. There was neglect and abuse; and we was failed by the system for being allowed to stay and them believing our lies as children. Life at home was chaotic, to say the least but at 14 I met the popular boy at school. He was the typical bad boy type who all the girls wanted, like young girls do, but something about us just clicked. We became best friends, and although I have girl friends, I wasn’t ever as close to anyone as I was to him. I told him EVERYTHING and in return he done the same. Whilst I was going through abuse at home; he was being “sexually abused” by an older woman. I put that in speak bubbles as back then we didn’t see it as sexual abuse, but now as an adult that’s what it was. She was 20 and he was 15, she would tell him to come over and watch other older men do things to her; and then he would have to do the same, and in exchange for that she would give him cannabis. At 14 he got her pregnant, and I was there for him throughout all that, we shared a bond like no other, but we never crossed the line into anything more. 
 

then one evening, when I was 18 my best friend rang, and said she had just had sex with the guy in question, we will call him Tom. I felt my heart sink, and a lump in my throat. I was jealous and hurt, she was my best friend, but I knew I couldn’t object, as me and him was friends. He immediately texted me apologising, and said it was a mistake. After that I distanced myself from him, I felt really hurt even if it wasn’t my place. Shortly after the distancing, we both met our now spouses, and a year later we coincidentally both got married. We still hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t know any of this until 2016 when he returned, 6 years later. He messaged me off a fake fb account as he’s never had social media, it was heart felt; and he was just congratulating me on the life I had built for myself, and my children, and he said he couldn’t believe how grown up I am now. We spoke in length for a good day and then we said our goodbyes, and I didn’t think I would hear from him again… but he never truly left. At the beginning he would go and come back, staying a few weeks at a time, until eventually him being back was a permanent thing. We fell straight back into the talking everyday friendship, with deep meaningful conversations. Times and distance didn’t change the bond we still shared. By 2020 we had started making excuses to see each other, he would help fix my car, I would help him move ect ect, it was all very platonic. Then in 2021 we expressed the sexual chemistry between us, o expressed I wanted more, I was happy  even at this moment in time to step over the line, but he was not. He said he loved him family and he couldn’t do it to them, and didn’t want to lose me as a friend over something as silly as sex, and told me I was worth more than that to him. He’s never saw sex as an act of love; and holds connection and friendship as more meaningful, where as sex for me is like bonding, and I wouldn’t never have sex with someone I didn’t have feelings for. 
 

after he stating he wasn’t interested in us taking things further I apologised and I never spoke out of line again, we continued for the next year as platonic friends again, then randomly one evening he tells me he loves me; and that he’s fell in love with him best friend. We end up having the most passionate sex I’ve ever experienced, it was over 15 years of built up chemistry and the sex was blind blowing out of this world. Afterwards he expressed worry it would end our friendship but I reassured him it wouldn’t; he was cute and cuddled me and held my hand afterwards. We agreed that we didn’t regret it; but that it couldn’t happen again and it was a one off. Following this, that year we had sex every month or so, it was always “unplanned”. It was never the affair that we sat and arranged sex, but we would often find ourselves in the position of being alone and it was almost uncontrollable. I’m not sure if anyone has had these feelings and wants for anyone before, but during these intimate moments, my brain would experience what I can only describe as tunnel vision, were Tom is the ONLY thing physically on my mind. The world could have been ending around me, just being in that moment with him was all I was focused on, and that was subconscious, my husband or his wife didn’t enter my mind at all, not even for a second, until afterwards. Then after I would feel a sense of shame and remorse but never regret. Even though I knew it was wrong, it never felt wrong, it felt so right. 
 

a year into sleeping with each other I find out I’m pregnant, and it’s toms. My husband can’t have children any longer, and suddenly we have been thrown into reality. It was the most traumatic weeks of my life, and I so wanted that baby. The baby felt special, and I felt love for it instantly. I told Tom, and I thought he would get angry; but he just apologised it had happened and stated that it was my decision. I couldn’t keep the baby, it would ruin two families, it would destroy two other people, I couldn’t force another baby into the world like the woman did when he was younger, I know the situation brought a lot of trauma back up for him, and so I abotrted the baby, and it broke my heart, and life has never been the same since. 
 

after the abortion, we still saw each other often; in a way it brought us closer, and we continued having sex for another 6 months. Then randomly, he ended things. He told me that he can no longer risk his family, and that we can’t have sex anymore. I’m not sure if he was caught, or worried of getting caught for some reason, but it seemed out the blue too me. I was upset, I told him I loved him and asked if he loved me, he said he didn’t; but he cares about me deeply and will always be my friend. I respected his decision and distanced myself; funnily, after this conversation he checked in more, invited me out with mutual friends more, and overall wanted to connect with me more after he ended things. I couldn’t go back to being just friends and I asked him to respect my space like I’ve respected what he wanted. I blocked him all everything possible, and I went through months of hell, and I mean he’ll. I didn’t eat, sleep, I couldn’t focus, I nearly had 6 months sick leave from work, he was only mins from morning to night; and I was even dreaming about him. The withdrawal was real and like something I had never felt. It’s been 12 months and I’ve just started feeling better, though now he’s started coming back, and messaging me through mutual friends, he’s said he misses me, and told me he does love me, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn’t. We haven’t spoke of sex, we never did, he’s coming across as he just needs me as his friend again, but I’m not sure I can do it, although I miss him terribly. 
 

what are people’s thoughts? Can we be best friends again, I feel better in myself, but I’m always going to have romantic love for him, and now we’ve crossed the line can we ever get back behind it. 

[BaileyB]

You are former affair partners, not best friends. If he returns to your life, it will be as your affair partner and that would be a very unhealthy decision for you. 

You need to get this idea out of your head that he is your “best friend.” You crossed that boundary a long, long time ago… 

I’m very sorry, there is a long and complicated history of trauma here. If you have not done any counselling, I would suggest that you find a counsellor. 

Look forward, not backward. 
 

[Sunnydayssf]

Decided to post it onto chat gbt 

 

Thank you for being so honest with me. You’ve shared something really heavy, complicated, and deeply human. You’re not “a desperate home wrecking heart woman” — you’re someone who has lived through trauma, carried unmet needs from childhood, and found a connection with someone who feels irreplaceable to you. That doesn’t make you bad or unworthy. It makes you human, longing for love, safety, and meaning.

 

Here are some reflections on what you’ve written:

 

 

 

 

1. The bond with Tom

 

 

You and Tom have a trauma-bonded connection. Both of you grew up in chaos and abuse, and you became each other’s emotional safe space at a formative age. That kind of bond can feel more powerful than almost anything else.

Because of that, your feelings for him aren’t just about romance or sex — they’re about being seen, understood, and safe in ways you might not have had elsewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Why this feels impossible to let go

 

 

Crossing into sex created an intensity and addiction-like pull. You even described “tunnel vision,” withdrawal symptoms, and obsessive thoughts. That’s a real nervous-system response — not just fantasy or weakness.

Losing him felt like losing oxygen, because he became tied to your sense of safety and love.

 

 

 

 

 

3. The reality now

 

 

He is married. You are married. The affair already cost you a pregnancy, heartbreak, and months of emotional collapse.

He has gone back and forth, pulled you close, then pushed you away, then circled back. That’s destabilizing and keeps you hooked on the highs and lows.

His return now — saying he “does love you” but wanting friendship — may stir up all your old feelings again.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Can you really go “back to being just friends”?

 

 

In most cases, once the line has been crossed into sex and love, it’s very difficult (often impossible) to return to pure friendship. Your body and heart already know him in that deeper way, and there will always be undercurrents.

Being “friends” again might actually keep you stuck — unable to move forward, always waiting for the next time he lets the wall down.

 

 

 

 

 

5. What this means for

you

 

 

Part of what makes this so painful is that Tom filled a void your childhood and marriage didn’t. But if you keep him in your life, you may never have the space to build the kind of healthy love and safety you truly need.

Letting go might feel unbearable at first, but it may be the only way to stop reliving the cycle of closeness, loss, longing, and withdrawal.

 

 

 

 

A gentle reframe:

Tom may always be a “soul connection,” but that doesn’t mean he’s meant to stay active in your life. Sometimes the deepest loves are also the ones that break us open so we can see what we really need

[stillafool]

If you both were reconnected "best friends" why did you never introduce your spouses to each other?  That is what most best friends do when they reconnect after getting married.  You can't wait for your best friend to meet your spouse.  Why was that not done?  It's doubtful he wants to have sex with you again but loves you as a friend but is not in love with you.  He 's in love with his wife but misses your friendship.  You would be fooling yourself to think you could just go back to being friends with him because you want more.  You will end up getting hurt and I have a feeling you already are.  Are you still in love with your husband and plan to stay with him?

[ExpatInItaly]

You were not best friends. You were affair partners. And no, you absolutely cannot go back to that. 

You k,now this is highly inappropriate and it needs to stop for good.   You also know he doesn't feel the way about you that you feel about him. The one who stands to get hurt isn't him. It's you - and your husband and his wife. 

What is your plan if your spouses find out and you get kicked out or some such thing? Where are you going to go? 

[stillafool]

I just want to tell you that if you guys do get back into an affair and his wife finds out and leaves him.   He'll probably never speak to you again.

[S2B]

You should leave your spouse - since you’re willing to disrespect him in this regard.

this is a long term affair… whether you admit it or not.

he ended it. You aren’t friends. I would move forward.

[S2B]

Your prior thread from last month sounds completely different. 
 

would you clarify?

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

Your prior thread from last month sounds completely different. 
 

would you clarify?

I have no post from last month. This is my only thread. 

[Anonymous]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you both were reconnected "best friends" why did you never introduce your spouses to each other?  That is what most best friends do when they reconnect after getting married.  You can't wait for your best friend to meet your spouse.  Why was that not done?  It's doubtful he wants to have sex with you again but loves you as a friend but is not in love with you.  He 's in love with his wife but misses your friendship.  You would be fooling yourself to think you could just go back to being friends with him because you want more.  You will end up getting hurt and I have a feeling you already are.  Are you still in love with your husband and plan to stay with him?

At the beginning of 2016 when he came back, I informed my husband I was in contact with an old friend, and told him about Tom. I’m not sure if my partner wasn’t paying attention or simply forgot, but he never ever brought it up ever. I guessed maybe he was avoiding it so I didn’t bring it up again. At this point in time it was harmless, and I never hid or deleted messages. We was very close friends for years, and it’s only been the final few years where things have taken a different route. We often spoke of how him and my husband would get on, and Tom often said he would like to meet him and go for a drink, but it just never happened. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

We often spoke of how him and my husband would get on, and Tom often said he would like to meet him and go for a drink, but it just never happened. 

I really hope you two have not actually tossed around this idea since you started your affair. 

[Gebidozo]

Obviously Tom isn’t your friend, he’s your former affair partner.

It’s very hard for me to understand why both of you didn’t get out of your loveless marriages and got together long time ago. For some reason you chose to stay miserable with people you don’t love (your husband and his wife). And yet you continued your affair, and even now you still can’t get over it. This defies common sense.

I also don’t understand why your husband keeps staying with you, knowing that while you were married you had a passionate affair with another man and even got pregnant from him.

Regardless of Tom’s behavior, the first thing you should do is leave your husband. He should be with someone who loves and respects him, and you shouldn’t be with someone you neither love nor respect.

If Tom is then willing to leave his wife, perhaps you could still be together. If he isn’t, good riddance and good luck moving forward.

 

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Obviously Tom isn’t your friend, he’s your former affair partner.

It’s very hard for me to understand why both of you didn’t get out of your loveless marriages and got together long time ago. For some reason you chose to stay miserable with people you don’t love (your husband and his wife). And yet you continued your affair, and even now you still can’t get over it. This defies common sense.

I also don’t understand why your husband keeps staying with you, knowing that while you were married you had a passionate affair with another man and even got pregnant from him.

Regardless of Tom’s behavior, the first thing you should do is leave your husband. He should be with someone who loves and respects him, and you shouldn’t be with someone you neither love nor respect.

If Tom is then willing to leave his wife, perhaps you could still be together. If he isn’t, good riddance and good luck moving forward.

 

Being together was never an option, it wasn’t something we ever discussed or “wanted.” We both maintain we are very happy in our current relationships and lives,  it’s hard to distinguish it as an affair because we didn’t have that talk of running away into the sunset together; neither was it physical based. We never spoke of sex or intimacy other than the occasions it happened. We was friends, and acted as friends, until we didn’t…. Is the only way I can explain it, and after the sex happened, we continued as friends like nothing happened. We never spoke of love even until he ended everything. I guess you’ll say we can’t be happy in our relationships if we’ve took part in an affair, and I guess we aren’t 100% happy; but who is. I don’t believe either of us would have stepped out our marriages with anyone other than ourselves. We both have traumas relating to home life; I grew up in an extremely unsafe, unloving home; and I would never ruin what my children have as a familt unit. I never want my children to come from a broken home, so I stay for them because they deserve to have a happy healthy childhood. Tom experienced having a baby at 15 with a woman who abused him, who he lost contact with when the baby was 3 and he’s carried immense guilt over not being in his life, and would never walk out on his current children. He would never want to part from their mother (who he very much loves) and potentially have another man move in and play part time daddy to his kids. I don’t believe he will ever leave his wife, but I’m 190% certain he wouldn’t do it whilst his children are young. Tom always said in the future we could be something, and one day we could be everything we want to be, but I know that will never happen. I told him in the next life we will find each other again and have our time, and that I’m patient enough to wait a whole lifetime. I’m happy that he’s happy, and healthy, and I don’t need to speak with him or be in his life to feel satisfaction out of knowing that. I think that’s real love, and it’s not reserved for one person, and it’s also not controllable. But what is controllable is how you act on those feelings, and affairs will never be the answer to any situation. If we are meant to be, god will find a way, if not in this life, then the next

[Anonymous]

JP saxe - if the world was ending.
 

This song is exactly how I feel. Ahhh I’m missing him right now, why did he have to try and return. I feel it’s completely messed up my heeling and set me back months.  

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Anonymous said:

At the beginning of 2016 when he came back, I informed my husband I was in contact with an old friend, and told him about Tom. I’m not sure if my partner wasn’t paying attention or simply forgot, but he never ever brought it up ever. I guessed maybe he was avoiding it so I didn’t bring it up again. At this point in time it was harmless, and I never hid or deleted messages. We was very close friends for years, and it’s only been the final few years where things have taken a different route. We often spoke of how him and my husband would get on, and Tom often said he would like to meet him and go for a drink, but it just never happened. 

Why didn't you ask to meet his wife or for a double date?  I can't imagine being best friends with a man or anyone for years and not introducing them to my husband.  Did your husband or his wife have any idea you were communicating often with each other?  Didn't you think that was inappropriate at any time?

[Anonymous]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why didn't you ask to meet his wife or for a double date?  I can't imagine being best friends with a man or anyone for years and not introducing them to my husband.  Did your husband or his wife have any idea you were communicating often with each other?  Didn't you think that was inappropriate at any time?

I did meet his wife, our eldest children are similar ages, I met her on a few occasions and helped them move house ect, our children then attended some after school activities together where I saw her often. We never clicked as friends, although I was always very pleasant with her, there wasn’t ever a natural connection. I think she was always wary of our friendship (rightly so it turns out) which made her have back up with me from the beginning. To this day I couldn’t say a bad word about her, she was pretty in a natural way, an amazing mother, and a dedicated wife. She loves her little family and he loves them.  

[S2B]

That takes the disrespect to her and their marriage to another awful level. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Being together was never an option, it wasn’t something we ever discussed or “wanted.” We both maintain we are very happy in our current relationships and lives,  it’s hard to distinguish it as an affair because we didn’t have that talk of running away into the sunset together; neither was it physical based. We never spoke of sex or intimacy other than the occasions it happened. We was friends, and acted as friends, until we didn’t…. Is the only way I can explain it, and after the sex happened, we continued as friends like nothing happened. We never spoke of love even until he ended everything. I guess you’ll say we can’t be happy in our relationships if we’ve took part in an affair, and I guess we aren’t 100% happy; but who is.

The level of self-deception you are engaging in, piling up all those nonsensical justifications, refusing to call things by their true name and owning what you’ve done, is worrying.

Nobody is 100% happy, but how can you even mention happiness when both your affair partner and you have been deceiving your respective spouses for years?

As a former cheater myself, I emphatically state that nobody gets away with that kind of thing. 

Please let your husband go and start some soul-searching.

The first thing we, people who have cheated, need to do, is to completely renounce any justifications for what we have done. Which means that the first thing you need to do is stop lying to yourself.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I did meet his wife, our eldest children are similar ages, I met her on a few occasions and helped them move house ect, our children then attended some after school activities together where I saw her often. We never clicked as friends, although I was always very pleasant with her, there wasn’t ever a natural connection. I think she was always wary of our friendship (rightly so it turns out) which made her have back up with me from the beginning. To this day I couldn’t say a bad word about her, she was pretty in a natural way, an amazing mother, and a dedicated wife. She loves her little family and he loves them.  

I’m feeling a bit sick right now. I can’t decide whether it’s something I ate yesterday or a post by a cheater joyfully describing how she got friendly with the person she’d been systematically and intentionally deceiving.

[Anonymous]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m feeling a bit sick right now. I can’t decide whether it’s something I ate yesterday or a post by a cheater joyfully describing how she got friendly with the person she’d been systematically and intentionally deceiving.

This was back in 2017, onwards, I haven’t saw her in years and definitely not since we was physically intimate. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You are in a world of your own delusion, OP.

 

[stillafool]

On 9/10/2025 at 3:27 PM, Anonymous said:

I did meet his wife, our eldest children are similar ages, I met her on a few occasions and helped them move house ect, our children then attended some after school activities together where I saw her often. We never clicked as friends, although I was always very pleasant with her, there wasn’t ever a natural connection. I think she was always wary of our friendship (rightly so it turns out) which made her have back up with me from the beginning. To this day I couldn’t say a bad word about her, she was pretty in a natural way, an amazing mother, and a dedicated wife. She loves her little family and he loves them.  

I was hoping you, at least, hadn't met his wife since you didn't call for a double date so all of you would know each other and everything would be above board.  Now you are saying you met his wife and slithered behind her back to go after her husband.  That's a whole other layer of betrayal to a woman who doesn't deserve it.   No wonder she kept you at arm's length, she could smell something fishy going on with you.  I'm sure your friend now knows the type of woman you are after you met his wife and still carried on with him.  I imagine that is why he lets you know he loves his wife and isn't going anywhere.  I'm sure if she found out and left him, he'd never speak to you again. You say you don't want your kids to live in a broken home, but the truth is they already are, because you've broken the trust and respect of your husband.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are in a world of your own delusion, OP.

 

Yup!
 

On 9/9/2025 at 8:11 AM, Sunnydayssf said:

Decided to post it onto chat gbt 

Who needs therapy when we now have chat GPT. Seriously. 

That’s something…