What should I do?

[rmartin]

Last week my girlfriend and I were in bed, I woke rolled over and I saw she was on Instagram messages. She quickly closed her phone and put it down. Fast forward 20 mins of lying in silence, she went back on her phone and I asked her who she was messaging as she put her phone down so fast. She said a friend and showed me her list of messages. Her friend was at the top and it did look similar but I cant confirm. She didn't scroll down nor did I ask.

I'm going to hers this evening, the 1st time I'm seeing her since. She sends me a picture of an instagram message from 8 years ago from an old account of mine.

I asked her why she was scrolling back 8 years and she said just out of noseyness whilst her kids tea cooked.

I've never had any reason not to trust her but I'm worried she's gone through and deleted any messages in case I asked her to look at the messages. It just seems a bit too weird that she's gone all the way back 2 hours before I'm going to hers.

She said she has nothing to hide and I can go through her phone but if she has been up to no good then she could've deleted them

Am I in my rights to ask her to recover any deleted messages? She says she doesn't delete them but having had an ex who cheated on me and I found out through a similar way, I'm just a little paranoid

I feel I need to see if shes telling the truth.

I just think the timing of going through your instagram messages is too close to last week's incident. Especially as I'm about to go to hers for 2 nights.

She says I either trust her or I don't and if I don't then maybe we need to have a chat about it...

Edited Monday at 05:43 PM by rmartin

[rmartin]

49 minutes ago, rmartin said:

Last week my girlfriend and I were in bed, I woke rolled over and I saw she was on Instagram messages. She quickly closed her phone and put it down. Fast forward 20 mins of lying in silence, she went back on her phone and I asked her who she was messaging as she put her phone down so fast. She said a friend and showed me her list of messages. Her friend was at the top and it did look similar but I cant confirm. She didn't scroll down nor did I ask.

I'm going to hers this evening, the 1st time I'm seeing her since. She sends me a picture of an instagram message from 8 years ago from an old account of mine.

I asked her why she was scrolling back 8 years and she said just out of noseyness whilst her kids tea cooked.

I've never had any reason not to trust her but I'm worried she's gone through and deleted any messages in case I asked her to look at the messages. It just seems a bit too weird that she's gone all the way back 2 hours before I'm going to hers.

She said she has nothing to hide and I can go through her phone but if she has been up to no good then she could've deleted them

Am I in my rights to ask her to recover any deleted messages? She says she doesn't delete them but having had an ex who cheated on me and I found out through a similar way, I'm just a little paranoid

I feel I need to see if shes telling the truth.

I just think the timing of going through your instagram messages is too close to last week's incident. Especially as I'm about to go to hers for 2 nights.

She says I either trust her or I don't and if I don't then maybe we need to have a chat about it...

Context 

We've known each other for years through work and still work together

We've been dating for just over 1 year

She sent the picture of the message from 8 years ago as a joke to say I slid into her dms back then too, even though it was a work related message. Nothing untoward.

She's not very affectionate with me but she does tell me she loves me ans we speak all day everyday.

I want to trust her but having been cheated on 2/3 past relationships, including my marriage, I don't know what to do. I just think I'll constantly worry about it and it'll mess up my head and eventually probably the relationship.

Instagram has an option where you can download all messages, including deleted. Even if it comes back as nothing and I was wrong and she dumps me, at least I'll know

Edited Monday at 06:22 PM by rmartin

[glows]

Think about what good asking to see her deleted messages would be. If she was really a liar and a cheat she’d have deleted her deleted folder. I have no idea what Instagram messages look like. My point is that once you start giving into the obsessive compulsive nature of checking up on your partner you might find it very hard to stop. What is the point then of being in a relationship at all if you can’t trust that person? 

is she not an affectionate person in general or just recently with you?

[rmartin]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Think about what good asking to see her deleted messages would be. If she was really a liar and a cheat she’d have deleted her deleted folder. I have no idea what Instagram messages look like. My point is that once you start giving into the obsessive compulsive nature of checking up on your partner you might find it very hard to stop. What is the point then of being in a relationship at all if you can’t trust that person? 

is she not an affectionate person in general or just recently with you?

Well she can't have deleted folder. You can't delete those.

I did trust her but when someone puts their phone away quickly on Instagram messages and then goes through 8 years of message on there the day you're meant to be going round... it all seems a bit dodgy tbh.

She says ahes always been this way, I have no idea of her past affection.

[glows]

Just now, rmartin said:

Well she can't have deleted folder. You can't delete those.

I did trust her but when someone puts their phone away quickly on Instagram messages and then goes through 8 years of message on there the day you're meant to be going round... it all seems a bit dodgy tbh.

She says ahes always been this way, I have no idea of her past affection.

When a message is deleted doesn’t it go somewhere? Like email can’t she just permanently delete a message? Or are all messages stored forever? How odd if so. What if you have someone who sent you something you never want to see again? my point is whether she could delete a message permanently so that you’d not see it anyway if she’s really a cheater. 

my view is when it gets to that level of distrust or you don’t trust your partner on something that should be so easy to trust someone with it’s time to call it quits. Don’t hurt one another further. Dont abuse one another with further distrust. Just end it .

[rmartin]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

When a message is deleted doesn’t it go somewhere? Like email can’t she just permanently delete a message? Or are all messages stored forever? How odd if so. What if you have someone who sent you something you never want to see again? my point is whether she could delete a message permanently so that you’d not see it anyway if she’s really a cheater. 

my view is when it gets to that level of distrust or you don’t trust your partner on something that should be so easy to trust someone with it’s time to call it quits. Don’t hurt one another further. Dont abuse one another with further distrust. Just end it .

The messages are archived and you request to download them, you can't access them otherwise.

[S2B]

She’s being shady.

it may not be worth the trouble of asking her… it may be better to walk away.

she will know why - and you save yourself a huge blowout/fight with her.

if she didn’t offer the evidence to you when you wondered - she hiding things - and deleted the evidence.

i wouldn’t think the effort is worth it… she isn’t trustworthy at this point.

[Gebidozo]

Either you trust her, and then you don’t need to see her messages.

Or you don’t trust her, and they you still don’t need to see her messages, because you should break up instead.

If you need to see your partner’s messages in order to trust them, then your relationship has serious problems.

 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, rmartin said:

I'm going to hers this evening, the 1st time I'm seeing her since. She sends me a picture of an instagram message from 8 years ago from an old account of mine.

Unless there's a pattern of secrecy or dishonesty, one strange moment doesn’t equal betrayal. 

She could have been discussing something private with her friend. Not every quick phone movement means something shady is going on. People have all kinds of conversations that aren’t necessarily romantic or inappropriate but still feel personal—family issues, venting about work, or even talking about you in a way she wasn’t ready to share yet.

You could press her harder, ask for proof, try to reconstruct what happened. But even if she gives you full access, you might still feel uneasy—because trust isn’t restored by evidence.

If you trust her, you won’t need proof.

If you need proof, you don’t fully trust her.

 

[smackie9]

Why are you with someone who isn't affectionate? You date those who fulfill your expectations, not make that kind of sacrifice because they are hot and smash.