"Let's be friends" but she lied to me

[Rascal]

As an adult, it's an accepted but unfortunate fact of life that you'll face rejections. People will reject you and vice-versa, you'll reject others so please do not think that I am angry or upset at what has transpired. At best, I'm bemused at the bare-faced dishonesty. I met a woman via a dating app and beforehand she was candid with me about her past involvement with heavy drug abuse, being permanently estranged from her parents and her ongoing mental health struggles, which are a legacy of these life experiences.

At the end of our evening together, where we hung out and had dinner, she expressed feelings of anxiety but was nonetheless very enthusiastic about meeting up again asap and reiterated this in a phone call later that night. However, she sent me the "Dear John" a couple of days afterwards and claimed that the anxiety she'd experienced means she's not ready for a relationship because of her mental health problems and that she'd like for us to at least be friends and hang out on that basis.

Mental health is an area where I'll show compassion but the "I'm not ready for a relationship" narrative is one that we're all familiar with as it's the perfect means to reject people or escape from situations where there's been a change of heart or someone seemingly better has appeared. Which is what I think has happened here because I've checked her profile - and not only is it still active, she's also updated her photos.

I'm tempted to ask her about this but at the same time, my instincts tell me to simply delete her number and move on.

What's your take on this? If I'm being unfair about her mental health problems, please tell me.

[Sony12]

You have no idea how honest she was really being about her issues. It's possible she was being honest but it is also highly possible she just uses those things as an excuse when she wants to bug out of something. People developing ready made excuses is something lots of folks do in dating.

In the end I honestly wouldn't have even met up with her after she told you all that stuff. There is no need for her to say things like that to people she has never even met before. If she meets someone and likes them than sure start telling them a little more about yourself. Prior to meeting though you just want to say enough to make the person want to meet you.

[Rascal]

6 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

In the end I honestly wouldn't have even met up with her after she told you all that stuff. There is no need for her to say things like that to people she has never even met before. If she meets someone and likes them than sure start telling them a little more about yourself. Prior to meeting though you just want to say enough to make the person want to meet you.

Good point. In retrospect I realise that it was a huge red flag that I shouldn't have let slide and it's a lesson learned for the future.

[flitzanu]

no, you don't reach out again and try to ask her about her changing the profile.  

she gave you the soft rejection, and it's definitely not going to help if you try to call her out on being "a liar" about her not wanting a relationship.

[glows]

Either way she’s not interested whether due to mental health or lack of interest in you per se. Better to leave it alone, block and move on. I personally think you dodged a bullet.

[Rascal]

Thanks for all the replies, they've been really helpful.

I've unmatched with her on the dating app and blocked her on my phone from contacting me.

1 hour ago, glows said:

I personally think you dodged a bullet.

 Due to her background? Yeah, I think you're right. 

[glows]

Oh wow, no not due to her background. I did not mean to stigmatize anyone for their mental health in the past or past trauma and life.

What i meant:

She expressed anxiety with you right then and told you she’s not ready for a relationship but then went to update her photos on the dating app suggesting she is ready to meet someone(else). That seems confusing and why go on further to potentially confuse other people. Who knows if she updated the bio part to clarify nothing serious. If she did then kudos to her. If she didn’t and left her bio and dating profile ambiguous that’s just misleading isn’t it. And not being upfront with you by simply saying you’re not compatible isn’t very honest either if she just wasnt attracted enough. Honesty is always best in situations like this. The vibes were just all over the place and confusing. Not everyone is like this.

[Rascal]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Oh wow, no not due to her background. I did not mean to stigmatize anyone for their mental health in the past or past trauma and life.

Understood.  

I never assumed that of you. I was referring to the drug abuse aspect - even though it's in her past, I did feel uneasy with her anecdotes of crack and coke addiction, which were reiterated in person when we met up.

2 minutes ago, glows said:

What i meant:

She expressed anxiety with you right then and told you she’s not ready for a relationship but then went to update her photos on the dating app suggesting she is ready to meet someone(else). That seems confusing and why go on further to potentially confuse other people. Who knows if she updated the bio part to clarify nothing serious. If she did then kudos to her. If she didn’t and left her bio and dating profile ambiguous that’s just misleading isn’t it.

She didn't clarify this - I checked the profile this evening before un-matching and beyond the photos update, it was unchanged.

15 minutes ago, glows said:

And not being upfront with you by simply saying you’re not compatible isn’t very honest either if she just wasnt attracted enough.

Especially after asking me with an eager expression and body language if I were free to meet up with her again in a few days and then later repeating this on the phone. Again, I'll stress that I'm not bitter or angry just bemused at the behaviour as she's hardly a kid, this is a 45 year old woman but then some people never grow up.

21 minutes ago, glows said:

Honesty is always best in situations like this. The vibes were just all over the place and confusing.

I'd have respected her if she'd been honest but it's her loss and you're right that I dodged a bullet because it speaks volumes about her character and how she'd treat someone in a dating scenario. As was impressed upon me long ago, a rejection is often a blessing in disguise.

25 minutes ago, glows said:

Not everyone is like this.

Of course not - but it does seem to be common within the online dating world. I enjoy better success meeting people in "natural" situations. I'm thinking that I should focus on those instead. Thanks for your wise words, they've really helped.

[Alpacalia]

Saying “I’m not ready for a relationship” can mean “I’m not ready for a relationship with you,” which is a subtle but significant difference.

Sorry, I know it stings.

Does her profile say she is looking for a relationship or dating?

Edited September 9 by Alpacalia

[Rascal]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Saying “I’m not ready for a relationship” can mean “I’m not ready for a relationship with you,” which is a subtle but significant difference.

Well, I pretty much inferred that from the fact that not only was the profile still active but she'd updated her photos. 

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Sorry, I know it stings.

It really doesn't. As I wrote in previous posts, I'm not bitter, angry or hurt. At the most, I'm bemused by her underhandedness - and the sloppiness of it too but life goes on and I'll go on. If anything, @glows helped me to recognise that her behaviour means I've dodged a bullet and I'm free to meet someone straightforward, hopefully.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Does her profile say she is looking for a relationship or dating?

I've un-matched her and can no longer access it but I think it was "seeking relationship."

She definitely didn't write anything like "nothing serious", "short term" or "NSA" etc.

[Acacia98]

I have a slightly different take on this from the average person.

Because I have previously been strung along by someone who it turned out was not actually interested in me but was holding on to me as some kind of backup plan, I've learned to appreciate people who end things once they figure out they're not interested even if they lie about the reason why.

Having said that, I'm not a fan of the "let's stay friends" line because it has a way of giving someone hope if they don't want to move on. So one could say it's similar to stringing someone along. She shouldn't have suggested remaining friends. And, for your sake, I'm glad you understood what the situation was and ultimately decided to block and move on.

Edited September 9 by Acacia98

[Rascal]

To be fair, even I can concede that there are situations where people are genuine about being friends but they're few and far between and this was not one of them because true friendship is based around honesty and sincerity. An alleged friendship that's established on disingenuous grounds is no friendship at all.

On that note. There's also a horrible angle where the rejected is offered friendship as a consolation prize and they're kept on hand for emotional support as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong with whoever the rejecter is actually interested in romantically. Again and again and again because the rejecter knows that the rejected has feelings for them and that they can be relied upon for compassion and empathy.

That's an awful position to be in and an awful way to treat someone. I've seen people around me get used and exploited in this manner whilst they held out false hope that eventually their worth would be recognised, which of course never happened - and I suspect that a role along those lines would've been in store for me given that when I'd asked her what types of men she goes for, she'd laughed with an embarrassed tone and replied, "bastards."

The more I think about it, the more I realise what a lucky escape I've had.

[glows]

That’s why having good self respect is key especially when dating or meeting new people. Walk away when someone doesn’t respect you. 

I tend to believe the people who “exploit” to reference your post above generally aren’t thinking of others at all. Most of it is thoughtless and selfish/centered on self and what I want at that time, not thinking of others. Sadly most people are quite selfish. 

[smackie9]

When they tell you no more, then no more it is, and respectfully don't push the matter any further. Save your energy for someone else.

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Rascal said:

To be fair, even I can concede that there are situations where people are genuine about being friends but they're few and far between and this was not one of them

(...)

On that note. There's also a horrible angle where the rejected is offered friendship as a consolation prize and they're kept on hand for emotional support as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong with whoever the rejecter is actually interested in romantically. Again and again and again because the rejecter knows that the rejected has feelings for them and that they can be relied upon for compassion and empathy.

(...)

I suspect that a role along those lines would've been in store for me given that when I'd asked her what types of men she goes for, she'd laughed with an embarrassed tone and replied, "bastards."

The more I think about it, the more I realise what a lucky escape I've had.

I totally agree with you. 

Edited September 9 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

I don't really understand what your question is.  You met a woman on a dating app, went on one date, and then she sent you a message that she's "not ready for a relationship."  This happens all the time in dating.  It just comes with the territory.  Of course her line of "I'm not ready for a relationship" is almost certainly a lie, it's one of the most common things that people say in dating when they are simply not interested in another person for whatever reason.  All this over-analyzing is really pointless.  When this happens you really just need to dust yourself off and move on. 

I'm not sure why you seem to be so fixated on this idea that she was "lying".  People tell white lies all the time, it's part of life.  Whether or not you think she was telling you the real reason she decided she wasn't interested, the bottom line is that it doesn't matter now.