looking for opinion

[feelsover]

really looking for advice/opinions.

 

married 11 years, 2 girls(5-8). Marriage has been more than happy for 10 1/2 years. About six months ago, noticed some events occuring between my wife and coworker. Although I 100% believe nothing was going on, if anything were to happen, I could look back and say that I missed all the signs.

 

These 'events' just raced in my mind until I couldn't take it anymore. Even when I discussed with my wife how I was uncomfortable, they continued. In any event, it came down to one night where I just EXPLODED. I accused her, I yelled, I screamed, I was out of control. I still beleive that nothing happened, but I was way out of line with my tirade.

 

Now it's 5 months later, and she still hasn't forgiven me. She said I verbally abused her(i said some horrible things that night) and that I did not trust her. We had a couple fights since that night, i never went close to what I said during the first night, but I mainly argue why I blew up that night.

 

I look at this is a fight/argument(we've been married 11 years, of course we had a couple disagreements) and really can't understand why things are not back to normal. At home, she stays away from me. At work(we work in same building), we pick up lunch and eat seperately at our desk. In the car, we rarely talk. She said she is scared to talk to me since that night 5 months ago. I'm at a loss. After 11 years of marriage, I don't understand how we cannot get past this.

 

It's not like I cheated or hit her. I know verbal abuse is bad, but the events leading up to that night drove me crazy. At this moment, my marriage feels unrepairable. If she can't forgive what happened after 5 months, will she ever forgive me??!? 11 years down the drain because my mouth went insane for 30 minutes(of yelling)?!?

 

Not sure what type of feedback I'm looking for, just needed to type this out.

[Mistaken Identity]

Something doesn't add up. How can this woman be afraid of you, yet live in the same house with you? Do you sleep in the same bed?

[gfto]

yeah, something's missing here. What were these "events" between your wife and the co-worker. Were they just having a cup of coffee during a break at work? Or, did she crash at his place after a night on the town? What exactly did your outburst entail? What did you say to her? There has to be a little more to the story. On its face, it sounds like you might have made something out of nothing and severely overreacted. But, it's difficult to say without knowing more details.

[witabix]

I think the details may be irrelevant.

 

Here is my take.

 

Option 1.

 

You really did scare her. She was doing something that you did over react to and it shook her world. After 11 years she may have felt that you trusted her implicitly. It does not matter that you may have felt justified in your outburst. I have questioned on here before about how it feels to be a woman faced with male aggression. The replies were interesting. I don't think us men really realise what an effect our 'Normal male testosterone driven reactions' actually look like to a woman who loves you. I am of the opinion that no matter how we justify it it is still deeply distrubing.

 

Option 2.

 

She actually was up to something she knew you wouldn't like. I think you said you spoke to her. She continued and you lost control. I understand what that feels like (That still does not justify going apeshyt, BTW, just because I understand where that negative crap comes from doesn't justify it). She is now worried that she is to blame for your outburst, which she isn't, you are (and you must take full responsibility for your actions, as should she).

 

In conclusion I would say that after 11 years of marriage and two kids you owe it to each other to sit down and talk. Don't try to justify losing it, don't say if you hadn't done this or that then this wouldn't be happening.

 

Tell her how you are feeling now, tell her how you felt before, again if necessary. Keep it to the point, don't wander around looking for ammunition. Stick to the topic.

 

Explain to her how you understood what you saw/heard. Explain how you now feel, and what you are thinking. Shoulder your share of the responsibility and ask her to shoulder hers, remember its not about blaming, or making the other person feel bad.

 

It is about understanding what happened, maybe you need to trust her more, maybe she needs to examine her actions or motives, maybe you need to address your responses to her actions, the list goes on.

 

Explore the issue together. Quietly and calmly.

 

Understand what happened, then repair the hole in the boat if you can, if you cannot there will be four losers in this two player game.

[UT_longhorn]

i agree. something is not right. in a loving relationship, there is forgiveness and communicating to resolve the issue. she seems like she's pulling away emotionally. using the blow up as an excuse. my girlfriend used my blow up to break up with me. and i see that it was the final straw...not the actual event that drew her away. She had actually been drawing away long before that. Think carefully man...think to see if she had been slowly pulling away even before the yelling.

[Toronto]

This situation needs couple councelling. From what you've said, you both need to be able to work through this problem together, and soon, or it will only get much worse.

[feelsover]

thanks for replies...here are the events.

 

saw instant message from him telling her she had beautiful eyes, no reply from her, so he may have been just joking.

coworker walked her to her car every day for months.

coworker said he wanted a wife just like mine.

coworker said he wanted to be just like me.

they did volunteer work together one night, he locked keys in car, so they were home late

my wife ran(marathon) with other singles, and he would go with her to meet these single.

after outburst, she knew I didn't care for them two being together, but found out that they had coffee together. If I didn;t ask if they went to have coffee, she would not have told me.

 

i told her about all these and said if anything ever happened and I looked back, I would kill myself for not saying anything.

 

My outburst was HUGE. F-bombs, slut, b*tch, I was horrible. The outburst occured after I talked to her about all these events. And the outburst was on a night that they were out together with some other friends. However bad you think the outburst was, it was probably worse. But, I was hurt, extremeley hurt. I have NEVER had a prior outburt like this.

 

I know the trust thing is huge. She can't believe I didn't trust her. I can't believe she can't forgive me. I just want things back to normal.

 

This is exactly what happened, "'Normal male testosterone driven reactions". I had a lapse of total insantity that night and am getting life in prison.

 

After that night, she said she would never be able to love me until we got marriage counseling. Four months went buy and she has been too *busy* to call. She finally called Kaisers last week and is meeting by herself with a counsleor. I kept it to myself, but had problems with that because the counselor will hear her side, and there are always 2 side to every story.

 

Again, I know I was horrible that night,,,but can't understand why she can't forgive me. She says that she forgives me and she says that she loves me, but her words and her actions are not the same.

[witabix]

I do not judge you or your actions, or your wife or her actions.

 

I do not feel that thatis a useful thing for me to do.

 

So.....

 

I don't what Kaisers is, but, no marriage counselor will ever think that there are less than two sides to the situation.

 

There may be three in your case.

 

Prepare yourself my friend.

 

She may have gone alone because there are things she wants to say/sort out with the counselor alone.

 

Again I would say, prepare yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

She's using your outburst to justify her actions. I'm positive that there is something going on between her and this coworker. Any normal wife would be able to see that her actions led you to think something was going on.

 

I've been a cheating wife, in my first marriage. Cheaters always lie to cover their actions and now that you've gotten angry she can justify pulling away from you and leaving you. In a good relationship, she would have been hurt, but it wouldn't have carried over this long, especially if there was no history of abuse in the relationship.

 

You should splash some water on your face and take my comments seriously, here.

 

You need to do a bit of investigation. Check the computers, check her e mails, check her cell phone records. See if she's been talking to this guy more than she would a "friend". Married women shouldn't have a friendship with a single man like this. Just think, the stories of him meeting single co workers is so easy to explain why she's hanging out with him, when he is really there meeting her!

 

Do not mention it until you've gathered all your evidence. Then, meet with a lawyer first. Once you have your legal rights straight, then you confront her with your evidence. She will try to turn it around on you and make it your fault. Do not let her. The facts are simple- she sees a marriage counselor, breaks off all ties with the other guy, or you need to think about ending the marriage.

[Toronto]

You've both got to see someone, separately and together, right away. She's started and you need to as well. If there's any hope for your marriage it will come from opening up some serious communication. It will get much worse before any chance of it getting better. Maybe there's hope for the marriage but either way you're going to have some serious healing to do.

 

Sincere good luck.

[feelsover]

ok,,,here's what happened.

 

My wife grew up in an abusive household. Her dad always threw things, hit her mom along with the verbal abuse of callling her slut, b*tch, etc.

 

Before me, her boyfriend was also abusive. The throwing, the hitting the name calling. She thought this was normal.

 

Now me,,,even though we been together over 15+ years, I've never acted this way. But something got to me where we had a couple fights where I called her slut, B*tch, etc. I really think nothing happened, but my "testosterone" took over. I felt insecure, I felt threatened, and I blew up. I couldn't control myself.

 

Well, all though feelings from the past just got to her. She doesn't want to have that type of relationship again. What doesn't help is that her mom still calls her and tells her all the bad things he still does. Just another reminder:( .

 

She is hoping meeting with counselor on Monday will help her sort things out. We will still try to get marriage counseling, so I can deal with my uncharacteristic behavior lately.

[Bewilderment]

It may be that you overreacted, and that you scared her. And given her past, it's not surprising that she'd react strongly herself. So yes, I think marriage counseling is the way to go.

 

But please, don't be so quick to take all of the blame on yourself. Though it's natural to want to "protect" her, because of her past, that doesn't mean that her behavior was okay. I'm sure she's aware that her behavior with regards to this guy would have made anyone suspicious, to say the least. Sure, you didn't have to call her names, but she needs to own up to the fact that she was, at least, concealing certain interactions with him. And when someone conceals, it's because they know their partner won't like it. She's aware that she crossed a line, just like you did, and she should acknowledge that to you, too.

[witabix]

Good to see you are thinking this through now.

 

You seem to be understanding it well from her perspective.

 

I congratulate you on being able to at least try to see what happened from her perspective.

 

Thats exactly what will lead you to a conclusion on this.

 

Remember you have no proof your wife was unfaithful, but it looks odd to me from what you have said, I agree. So you still have your suspicions, thats ok too. Don't put on blinkers in this situation.

 

Keep a balanced and open/logical thought process going here.

 

I hope you work it out, keep posting, and reading all the replies you get.

 

None of us will be 100% right, you will find more options here that you may not have thought about.

 

But you must do what is in you to do to get this sorted.

[skeptik224]

Undoubtedly, your actions brought up some issues that your wife has. You need to work on the verbal actions you did. Don't blame it on the "testosterone." There are a TON of guys who have never raised their voices in a way that you did to your wife. She has some unresolved issues within herself that she needs to deal with. I agree with Toronto in that you both need therapy - together and seperate. I would venture in saying that - although nothing may have happened between your wife and this co-worker - that the path they were taking was leading there. There is such a thing as emotional cheating, too. I'd say that she knows her actions with the co-worker were incorrect and when you called her on it, she became defensive..putting the blame on you. Don't get me wrong...that is in no way an excuse for you to behave the way you did. But...from an outsider looking in, I'd say there's a little more going on here other than the "initial fight." Counseling will make that a lot clearer to both of you. You need to be patient. Sometimes actions that bring up emotional pasts are A LOT harder to work through. I'm sending positive vibes your way - and your wifes.

[Mz. Pixie]

ok,,,here's what happened.

 

My wife grew up in an abusive household. Her dad always threw things, hit her mom along with the verbal abuse of callling her slut, b*tch, etc.

 

Before me, her boyfriend was also abusive. The throwing, the hitting the name calling. She thought this was normal.

 

Now me,,,even though we been together over 15+ years, I've never acted this way. But something got to me where we had a couple fights where I called her slut, B*tch, etc. I really think nothing happened, but my "testosterone" took over. I felt insecure, I felt threatened, and I blew up. I couldn't control myself.

 

Well, all though feelings from the past just got to her. She doesn't want to have that type of relationship again. What doesn't help is that her mom still calls her and tells her all the bad things he still does. Just another reminder:( .

 

She is hoping meeting with counselor on Monday will help her sort things out. We will still try to get marriage counseling, so I can deal with my uncharacteristic behavior lately.

 

Sorry, her abusive childhood doesn't give her the right to screw around on her husband. I have been exactly where she is, abusive childhood and everything and I cannot believe if after all of those years and you'd never acted like that, when she gave you reasons for your actions she is now saying your abusive. Almost all men under the circumstances would behave the same way.

 

Either you've done this before or she's full of it. I think she's full of it and you're believing her hook, line and sinker. Of course you were suspicious and a normal person would understand why.

 

Have you been to marriage builders? Google that- there is alot of good information there.

 

If this was truly about your outburst and your anger then she would be asking YOU to go to counseling for that before she would agree to reconcile. She would also be willing to see where you acted normally under the circumstances.