Can someone tell me if I need to leave my relationship. Be brutally honest on if I'm crazy.

[Lotsgoingon]

The panic attack (if that's it--I'm using the term loosely) is likely due to the fact that you are now operating in a world of reality, where you're not pretending that what she was doing with this guy was not such a big deal. Sounds like there was a lot of pretense going on with you and her. And now you're coming out of that.

Also, your anxiety is likely triggered because she is acting like a real partner. And it's confusing to you, because until now you've been dating the distant, wildly clueless partner. There is a vulnerability in seeing someone make changes for us! And you're pulled into reality--and the reality might be that despite her seeming to finally "get it" about gym guy, guess what: you might still be angry at her or feel betrayed by her. It took a lot of time and a lot of work on your part --a ton of patience and tolerance of near abusive behavior from her--to get her to see something that ideally would be basic. So this change isn't a victory. It's more like this change might cancel some debt that SHE ran up. So all your work was to get to $0.00. 

But you're likely afraid to feel your anger and sadness, and you definitely seem to be afraid of telling her you might still be angry at this situation. 

I would say quit the "being nice" thing and start telling her the truth, start identifying your real feelings, to yourself and to her and let the relationship land where it may. 

 

 

[S2B]

You seem to be trying really hard to rationalize all of her bad behavior. Sure it’s the gym guy… but also the way she has been demeaning in public to you. Yet you make excuses for her bad behavior like it’s supposed to be normal.

it is NOT normal in a healthy and loving relationship.

you need professional help. The action to be taken should be YOUR action at this point. You can always assume that the other person won’t change. The change must come from you. And you don’t seem to recognize the way she mistreats you in so many areas of your life. You seem to adjust your expectations to a lower level and she mistreats you again.

we train people how to treat us - and you have trained her that she keeps mistreating and disrespecting you - yet you stay and beg for more of her terrible behaviors.

so - really, this is on you - because you haven’t eliminated her from your life. 

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I get it, I'm starting to understand now.

I don't know how to tell always what is too much or not enough

 

I get this guy disrespected us and she is a willing participant and she is actively participating in the disrespect.

 

But she has been going to this gym for 4 years. She has been with me for 2.

 

She has friends that go to this gym, there is a circle of them that all talk and hang out. And whether I like it or not this guy also goes to the gym.

 

So should my girlfriend just stop going to that gym with her friends that she really likes going to because this guy is there ? Or if she stays is she supposed to ignore him. If they're in a little circle of 5 or 6 people and they're all talking she can't even be in the circle if he's in it . That would be very uncomfortable for her

 

So it seems like she would just have to quit going to the gym . Doesn't that seem kind of extreme to ask her to do? That's a pretty big part of her life (she goes 3 days a week and has been for several years) to get rid of

others have said what i would say on this, but i would also reiterate, 

this guy is not your problem.

if not this guy, there would be another guy, and then another.  

this is not about controlling her actions, or making her not go to the gym, this is simply how she is choosing to behave even though this makes you uncomfortable.  she's choosing to respect other people instead of helping to reassure you.

[whathappenstomenow]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

others have said what i would say on this, but i would also reiterate, 

this guy is not your problem.

if not this guy, there would be another guy, and then another.  

this is not about controlling her actions, or making her not go to the gym, this is simply how she is choosing to behave even though this makes you uncomfortable.  she's choosing to respect other people instead of helping to reassure you.

So you're saying she should give up a large portion of her life/routine to reassure me. I understand there are bigger principles happening here but there is also the literal situation itself where there is this guy who disrespected us (she disrespected/is disrespecting us too) and I'm trying to figure out how to make the disrespect end.

 

If she continues to speak to him at the gym I think it's disrespectful.

 

But it is nearly an impossible ask for her to continue going to the gym and not talk to him. They're in the same circle she's going to be there he's going to be there they're going to be in circles talking with other people and themselves 

 

So in order to show us respect she should just voluntarily stop going ?

The gym is a huge part of her mental health. Of course she could find another gym. I would just feel like an a**h*** if she stopped going to the gym because I know she loves it

 

And I guarantee she would resent me for it and think /say I was controlling. Even IF she went along. And she wouldn't. She already told me she is going to be friendly at the gym with him. She isn't even saying she will stop talking to him altogether while still going to the gym. So of course she isn't going to stop going to the gym which is an even more extreme step

Edited 4 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

Wow, you just keep repeating yourself and ignoring what many have said. Can you see that?

[whathappenstomenow]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

Wow, you just keep repeating yourself and ignoring what many have said. Can you see that?

 I understand everyone is saying she disrespected me and us and he is irrelevant and what I'm asking is what actions should she take that would end the disrespect with regard to this situation 

 

Many have said they would have left already due to the disrespect and things she has said/done. 

 

But if I want to give her a chance now that I'm becoming more aware of some of her behaviors and how they are not healthy or normal , how do we proceed. Now that she recognizes what she did was disrespectful .That's what I'm asking , how to move forward

 I'm trying to take all the advice and make better decisions and I'm not trying to ignore what you guys are saying . And I'm asking questions just to get more clarity on where to go from here. I think I have been picking up on your points and what you're telling me pretty well but I could still be missing something , I'm sorry I'm not intending to

 

 

I guess maybe what you guys are telling me is that I shouldn't be questioning what I need for her to make it better because it's on her to make better?

Like I shouldn't think "oh I can't take the gym from her" because I wouldn't be taking the gym from her- she would be giving up /choosing to give up the gym to end the disrespect and support me and show she's more concerned with making me feel better than going to the gym a few days a week. Is that what you're saying 

 

Essentially if she prioritized me and the relationship something like finding a new gym so that I know she's serious about prioritizing me should be something she is eager and willing to do

Edited 4 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

When you eliminate her (the problem/issue) you will have the peace of mind you need.