Can someone tell me if I need to leave my relationship. Be brutally honest on if I'm crazy.

[Lotsgoingon]

The panic attack (if that's it--I'm using the term loosely) is likely due to the fact that you are now operating in a world of reality, where you're not pretending that what she was doing with this guy was not such a big deal. Sounds like there was a lot of pretense going on with you and her. And now you're coming out of that.

Also, your anxiety is likely triggered because she is acting like a real partner. And it's confusing to you, because until now you've been dating the distant, wildly clueless partner. There is a vulnerability in seeing someone make changes for us! And you're pulled into reality--and the reality might be that despite her seeming to finally "get it" about gym guy, guess what: you might still be angry at her or feel betrayed by her. It took a lot of time and a lot of work on your part --a ton of patience and tolerance of near abusive behavior from her--to get her to see something that ideally would be basic. So this change isn't a victory. It's more like this change might cancel some debt that SHE ran up. So all your work was to get to $0.00. 

But you're likely afraid to feel your anger and sadness, and you definitely seem to be afraid of telling her you might still be angry at this situation. 

I would say quit the "being nice" thing and start telling her the truth, start identifying your real feelings, to yourself and to her and let the relationship land where it may. 

 

 

[S2B]

You seem to be trying really hard to rationalize all of her bad behavior. Sure it’s the gym guy… but also the way she has been demeaning in public to you. Yet you make excuses for her bad behavior like it’s supposed to be normal.

it is NOT normal in a healthy and loving relationship.

you need professional help. The action to be taken should be YOUR action at this point. You can always assume that the other person won’t change. The change must come from you. And you don’t seem to recognize the way she mistreats you in so many areas of your life. You seem to adjust your expectations to a lower level and she mistreats you again.

we train people how to treat us - and you have trained her that she keeps mistreating and disrespecting you - yet you stay and beg for more of her terrible behaviors.

so - really, this is on you - because you haven’t eliminated her from your life. 

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I get it, I'm starting to understand now.

I don't know how to tell always what is too much or not enough

 

I get this guy disrespected us and she is a willing participant and she is actively participating in the disrespect.

 

But she has been going to this gym for 4 years. She has been with me for 2.

 

She has friends that go to this gym, there is a circle of them that all talk and hang out. And whether I like it or not this guy also goes to the gym.

 

So should my girlfriend just stop going to that gym with her friends that she really likes going to because this guy is there ? Or if she stays is she supposed to ignore him. If they're in a little circle of 5 or 6 people and they're all talking she can't even be in the circle if he's in it . That would be very uncomfortable for her

 

So it seems like she would just have to quit going to the gym . Doesn't that seem kind of extreme to ask her to do? That's a pretty big part of her life (she goes 3 days a week and has been for several years) to get rid of

others have said what i would say on this, but i would also reiterate, 

this guy is not your problem.

if not this guy, there would be another guy, and then another.  

this is not about controlling her actions, or making her not go to the gym, this is simply how she is choosing to behave even though this makes you uncomfortable.  she's choosing to respect other people instead of helping to reassure you.

[whathappenstomenow]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

others have said what i would say on this, but i would also reiterate, 

this guy is not your problem.

if not this guy, there would be another guy, and then another.  

this is not about controlling her actions, or making her not go to the gym, this is simply how she is choosing to behave even though this makes you uncomfortable.  she's choosing to respect other people instead of helping to reassure you.

So you're saying she should give up a large portion of her life/routine to reassure me. I understand there are bigger principles happening here but there is also the literal situation itself where there is this guy who disrespected us (she disrespected/is disrespecting us too) and I'm trying to figure out how to make the disrespect end.

 

If she continues to speak to him at the gym I think it's disrespectful.

 

But it is nearly an impossible ask for her to continue going to the gym and not talk to him. They're in the same circle she's going to be there he's going to be there they're going to be in circles talking with other people and themselves 

 

So in order to show us respect she should just voluntarily stop going ?

The gym is a huge part of her mental health. Of course she could find another gym. I would just feel like an a**h*** if she stopped going to the gym because I know she loves it

 

And I guarantee she would resent me for it and think /say I was controlling. Even IF she went along. And she wouldn't. She already told me she is going to be friendly at the gym with him. She isn't even saying she will stop talking to him altogether while still going to the gym. So of course she isn't going to stop going to the gym which is an even more extreme step

Edited September 11 by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

Wow, you just keep repeating yourself and ignoring what many have said. Can you see that?

[whathappenstomenow]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

Wow, you just keep repeating yourself and ignoring what many have said. Can you see that?

 I understand everyone is saying she disrespected me and us and he is irrelevant and what I'm asking is what actions should she take that would end the disrespect with regard to this situation 

 

Many have said they would have left already due to the disrespect and things she has said/done. 

 

But if I want to give her a chance now that I'm becoming more aware of some of her behaviors and how they are not healthy or normal , how do we proceed. Now that she recognizes what she did was disrespectful .That's what I'm asking , how to move forward

 I'm trying to take all the advice and make better decisions and I'm not trying to ignore what you guys are saying . And I'm asking questions just to get more clarity on where to go from here. I think I have been picking up on your points and what you're telling me pretty well but I could still be missing something , I'm sorry I'm not intending to

 

 

I guess maybe what you guys are telling me is that I shouldn't be questioning what I need for her to make it better because it's on her to make better?

Like I shouldn't think "oh I can't take the gym from her" because I wouldn't be taking the gym from her- she would be giving up /choosing to give up the gym to end the disrespect and support me and show she's more concerned with making me feel better than going to the gym a few days a week. Is that what you're saying 

 

Essentially if she prioritized me and the relationship something like finding a new gym so that I know she's serious about prioritizing me should be something she is eager and willing to do

Edited September 11 by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

When you eliminate her (the problem/issue) you will have the peace of mind you need.

 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I guess maybe what you guys are telling me is that I shouldn't be questioning what I need for her to make it better because it's on her to make better?

More or less, except I’m not sure whether she will actually do that.

You see, my partner goes to a gym too and I assume she chats with people there, including men who might find her attractive. But I’m simply not worried about that, because I know she won’t do anything that would be disrespectful of me and our relationship. If I learned that some guy was hitting on her, I wouldn’t even ask her how she dealt with that, I’d simply know she would deal with that in a way she sees fit, and I’ll be fine with that, because I trust her.

You are very worried about the details - should she stop texting, stop talking, leave the gym, ignore him when she’s there, etc. - but those details are irrelevant because your trust has already been breached. The problem is not what exactly she does now to alleviate your anxiety, the problem is that you already have that anxiety. And it was caused not by an isolated incident with some guy, but by her entire complex of behavior towards you.

[whathappenstomenow]

30 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

More or less, except I’m not sure whether she will actually do that.

You see, my partner goes to a gym too and I assume she chats with people there, including men who might find her attractive. But I’m simply not worried about that, because I know she won’t do anything that would be disrespectful of me and our relationship. If I learned that some guy was hitting on her, I wouldn’t even ask her how she dealt with that, I’d simply know she would deal with that in a way she sees fit, and I’ll be fine with that, because I trust her.

You are very worried about the details - should she stop texting, stop talking, leave the gym, ignore him when she’s there, etc. - but those details are irrelevant because your trust has already been breached. The problem is not what exactly she does now to alleviate your anxiety, the problem is that you already have that anxiety. And it was caused not by an isolated incident with some guy, but by her entire complex of behavior towards you.

Really great points. Thank you. How do you suggest going forward given the damage done

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Really great points. Thank you. How do you suggest going forward given the damage done

Personally, I’d break up.

Or at least back off, take a break in the relationship.

She should know that the problems go way beyond that one guy. Tell her how her fake breakups, her public displays of anger, and her mind games are decimating your self-esteem, causing you anxiety, and ruining the relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

How do you suggest going forward given the damage done

I'd gtet yourself into therapy to figure out what attracts you to such chaos and toxicity. 

Until you get to the root of that, you will find yourself in the same situation again and again. This relationship isn't going to last, that much is clear.She will eventually end it herself, given how checked  out she already is. It would be wise of you to brace for that and start sorting out your own unhealthy habits so you can enjoy a better relationship with someone else in the future. 

[flitzanu]

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

More or less, except I’m not sure whether she will actually do that.

You see, my partner goes to a gym too and I assume she chats with people there, including men who might find her attractive. But I’m simply not worried about that, because I know she won’t do anything that would be disrespectful of me and our relationship. If I learned that some guy was hitting on her, I wouldn’t even ask her how she dealt with that, I’d simply know she would deal with that in a way she sees fit, and I’ll be fine with that, because I trust her.

You are very worried about the details - should she stop texting, stop talking, leave the gym, ignore him when she’s there, etc. - but those details are irrelevant because your trust has already been breached. The problem is not what exactly she does now to alleviate your anxiety, the problem is that you already have that anxiety. And it was caused not by an isolated incident with some guy, but by her entire complex of behavior towards you.

all of this rightt here.

what we are trying to tell you is to stop even considering "this guy" is part of your problem, because he literally is not your problem.

even if your gf stopped going to the gym, she's still going to choose to talk to this guy.

even though she knows it bothers you that they hang out, she's still going to the same gym and going to hang out with this guy.

even though she knows it makes you uncomfortable, she's still going to continue speaking to this guy at the gym.

 

*just to be clear, i believe that men and women can be platonic friends, and in those cases they'd involve their significant other.  you'd all three talk and hang out.  she isn't doing that, she's keeping him a secret.

 

[whathappenstomenow]

48 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

all of this rightt here.

what we are trying to tell you is to stop even considering "this guy" is part of your problem, because he literally is not your problem.

even if your gf stopped going to the gym, she's still going to choose to talk to this guy.

even though she knows it bothers you that they hang out, she's still going to the same gym and going to hang out with this guy.

even though she knows it makes you uncomfortable, she's still going to continue speaking to this guy at the gym.

 

*just to be clear, i believe that men and women can be platonic friends, and in those cases they'd involve their significant other.  you'd all three talk and hang out.  she isn't doing that, she's keeping him a secret.

 

Yeah I know and it's really starting to piss me off that she's still going to talk to him

 

She said to me  I'm just not the sort of person who's going to tell someone to f*** off, I'm not that sort of person, I'm not going to not talk to him at the gym.

 

So what sort of person are you , the sort that chooses to keep talking to some guy in spite of the fact you know it is disrespectful to your pattern, causes your partner discomfort, and is interfering in our relationship 

 

I'm waiting until next week when she goes back to the gym to see how this plays out but I am very angry and this is starting to feel like a bunch of bullshit where some random other dude who she supposedly isn't even close with is taking priority over our relationship.

I'm f***ing tired of it

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

So what sort of person are you , the sort that chooses to keep talking to some guy in spite of the fact you know it is disrespectful to your pattern, causes your partner discomfort, and is interfering in our relationship 

Yes, this is exactly the sort of person she is. She's been showing you this for a little while now. 

Your angry feelings are reflecting the fact that you're finally waking up here. 

[whathappenstomenow]

I talked to her about it last night and per usual got screamed at. Can't have a normal calm discussion 85% of the time. I get screamed at, she starts crying, blatantly making up stuff I didn't say. She couldn't understand that I might be uncomfortable with her continuing to talk to this guy at the gym. 

At the end she said YOU KNOW WHAT CHRIS I COULD GO DOWNTOWN AND GET f***ED ANYTIME I WANT AND I DONT SO WHY DONT YOU JUST TRUST ME AND ILL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO.

 

I was so f***ing disgusted by that comment. Thanks for throwing it in my face that you could go get f***ed ? Why the f*** would you even say that to me.

 

I will say in her defense that she blocked his phone number and removed him from social media. I didn't even intend to say much else about her talking to him at the gym right now but she blew up on me so wasn't really any reining it in.

 

I left , haven't spoken to her.

 

I love her but I think she's a bad partner. I think she's a great person but in the context of a relationship she starts deteriorating. She's impulsive, mean, angry, selfish, and any time she's upset she tries to end the relationship and/or says abusive things.

 

I was and am clouded by good time, so much so that they cast a shadow on the bad.

I think I am a good , loving partner. Maybe too much so. I put my partners ' needs before my own. And I happen to be with someone who cares (too much) about pleasing everyone OTHER THAN me.

 

But what really gets me is that nasty disgusting comment about getting f***ed anytime she wants if she goes downtown. That was such a shot to the gut. She KNEW that would eat me up having to think about that and that s*** is going to replay in my mind over and over. Every time it's good, every time the relationship is bad. That she knows that I know she knows she could go get f***ed if she wants because she weapnized that and used it against me to hurt me.

Edited September 13 by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

You two just aren’t a good match.

shes mean to you. Yet you have stayed. So every time she is mean - she knows she can be meaner and you still stay.

work with a professional about what healthy boundaries look like for you. Stick to that boundary - it will help keep you happy, healthy and safe. It is your guide to a happy life.

shes too mean and you’re too nice… the perfect combination for an abuser. 

any gal can go out and offer sex and find a willing man. Men want sex. When they offer - rarely do men say no. So you see - she isn’t special - she’s just mean.

she is pretty - I get that. Who cares when she uses that like a huge weapon? It’s not worth it. 
and love doesn’t look like that. 

so why didn’t you firmly end it right then and there?  What about your self respect? Think about that.

[Alpacalia]

It’s not about the guy at the gym anymore. It's about how she prioritizes her ego and twists the narrative to make herself the victim.

She wants to be trusted…but her actions consistently undermine that trust. 

Not to mention, she thinks it's fine that a married person clearly has no issue with going behind his wife's back…flirting and trying to grow closer to another woman and she defends that behavior as if it’s harmless.

That’s not just tone-deaf—it’s telling. It shows a lack of emotional accountability and a disturbing comfort with betrayal, even if it’s happening in someone else’s relationship.

Her comment …that she can “go downtown and get f***ed anytime she wants” wasn’t just vulgar...it was meant to assert dominance. To flip the emotional script and make you feel like the one who’s lucky she hasn’t acted on it. That’s not love. 

 

[whathappenstomenow]

In case anyone is wondering how my night went . What a great update !!

 

After our issue and not speaking for a day and me being peacefully tucked into bed ready to fall asleep I notice in have 5 missed calls!

 

It's my lover!!!  She decided to go drinking about 8 minutes after our disagreement last night at the bar by herself where she got totally plastered. 

Then today at about 2 pm she decided to go get hammered again at the bar by herself and called me at about midnight letting me know she "f***ed up and now I'm not going to trust her anymore"

 

So two nights/days of drinking at the bar by herself without letting me know. Had to basically carry her into bed. 

 

I would say God knows what she was doing all that time or what happened, but that would only be something I'd say if I didn't trust her and she's never given me any reason not to trust her right ?!?!?

 

Maybe now she can quit saying I should just trust her ?!?! Cuz she knows I can't!

 

 

I actually don't want to be here anymore. I feel hopelessly attached to this woman like I cannot get away but she continuously abuses and tortures me. I feel like I don't have the strength to leave and I don't know why. I am in hell. She lies, she's deceptive, she's selfish, she doesn't care about me, she does things to me I wouldnt ever do to her and she does things to me she knows she wouldn't like if the roles were reversed and I did to her.

 

Before I dated her I wasn't with anyone for 2 years. The person before her was the mother of my only child and we were together for 5 years of more or less misery.

It was the same situation. She was cold, didn't seem to care about me, lied, and was completely unconcerned with how I thought or felt about anything.

 

And I thought.. I will NEVER be in something like that again. And here my very next relationship is turning into exactly that but I would even say this one is worse on so many counts . She seems to care even less about me, she's more manipulative, she's more dishonest. And to top it all off she borderline has a drinking problem.

 

I am so tired of giving my all and being treated like garbage.

 

And what's going to happen tomorrow when she wakes up ? Well I'm gonna be here since I had to come carry her into the house and into bed. And she's going to probably say she's sorry she didn't tell me she was going out to the bars by herself all f***ing day and night.

 

And I'm a pathetic loser with no self worth so I'm going to forgive her for that and while I'm at it I'll forgive her for the other stuff too.

It will be awkward and uncomfortable for a few days and then we will get back to normal until next week when something else happens and she is sneaky or dishonest or treats me like s*** again. Then we will repeat the cycle.

 

I feel like the only way I'm getting out of this is death.

After about 5 years of abuse back and forth with the mother of my child she left. And I BEGGED for like 3 months for her to come back. And she never did.

 

I am never going to get out of this. And knowing that takes away my will to live.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I am never going to get out of this. And knowing that takes away my will to live.

You need to get yourself into therapy immediately. 

 

[S2B]

Abusive cycle. Typical cycle.

at least with my exH I got expensive jewelry every time

the ONLY one doing this to you now is YOU. And you can eliminate her/ the abuse as well.

get some strength man. She is terrible!

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely therapy is in order, as Expat recommended. Most likely you grew up in a household with chaos that you learned (as we do) is normal. It can be really hard to see the dysfunctions of our families.

No need to be criticizing yourself. Just get to therapy. 

[Sanch62]

On 9/14/2025 at 2:20 AM, whathappenstomenow said:

I feel like I don't have the strength to leave and I don't know why.

Because you'd need to give up your victim role to do it.

That's what you're attached to, not her.

Help is available. Contact your local hospital's human services department and ask for a referral to a therapist.

[smackie9]

Her getting wasted is her attention seeking sympathy to get back the control. Manipulation with the crying/looking pathetic, gaslighting, guilt tripping, etc. With abusers it all about being in control. So when you turn your back, she's doing whatever it takes to get that back. It has nothing to do with love...I mean zero. That's not love. 

[S2B]

What’s the update? You still with her?

[Acacia98]

On 9/11/2025 at 10:20 PM, whathappenstomenow said:

So in order to show us respect she should just voluntarily stop going ?

The gym is a huge part of her mental health. Of course she could find another gym. I would just feel like an a**h*** if she stopped going to the gym because I know she loves it

 

And I guarantee she would resent me for it and think /say I was controlling. Even IF she went along. And she wouldn't. She already told me she is going to be friendly at the gym with him. She isn't even saying she will stop talking to him altogether while still going to the gym. So of course she isn't going to stop going to the gym which is an even more extreme step

I feel like the advice we're giving you is potentially confusing given your state of mind. So I'm going to try and break things down in a way that I hope is easier to understand. 

- Me, personally, I might flirt with a guy if I'm single. But if I'm in a relationship, I don't flirt with guys other than my significant other. And I don't leave room for any misunderstandings or for the misinterpretation of my intentions. That's how I am. It's not something I wait for my boyfriend to dictate to me.  It's a reflection of my values and my boundaries.

- But what if I messed up in some way? Would I recognize it? I think so. But if I didn't recognize it, and my guy explained to me that I had crossed a line, I would carefully consider what he was saying. If I felt that he was right, I would fix my error without waiting for him to tell me what to do and how to do it. If I felt he was wrong, that perhaps he was jealous and controlling, I would ultimately end the relationship.

- Look, you shouldn't have to dictate to your girlfriend that she should do A, B, C, D... She should act according to her conscience. And you get to observe her actions and decide for yourself whether you and her are on the same page regarding your relationship boundaries. If you're not on the same page, you're incompatible. She could be the sweetest person in the world. You could be the greatest boyfriend in the world. But you would still be incompatible.

- Now, I want you to ask yourself an honest question: if the tables were turned and you were the one getting inappropriately close with a woman at the gym, once you figured out you were in the wrong, what would you voluntarily do to correct your behavior and save your relationship? Would you block the woman's phone number? Would you consider going to the gym at a different time or on a different day? Would you consider going to a different gym? What would you do to show your girlfriend how important your relationship was to you? Once you have answered these questions, ask yourself if your girlfriend's current actions are similar to the actions you would take. If they are, then you're compatible. If they're not, then you're not compatible.

- It's obvious to most of us that you two are not compatible. But I'm not going to insist you end the relationship now. I think you will end it eventually. It's inevitable. The relationship is not working, and it's no longer possible for you to ignore the red flags. But it sounds like you're not psychologically ready to end it yet. So what I would suggest is that you get individual counselling for yourself. Take a huge step back from worrying about your girlfriend and your relationship and focus your energy on getting help for yourself. Let your girlfriend do whatever she wants to do. She's a grown woman. You focus on you. It's increasingly clear that you are not in a good place emotionally and need help.