Can someone tell me if I need to leave my relationship. Be brutally honest on if I'm crazy.

[smackie9]

On 9/7/2025 at 5:31 PM, whathappenstomenow said:

I mostly know what I should do but it's hard when she says stuff like he's just a friend, even if it gets inappropriate on his end she won't let it go there, they've known each other a couple years and nothing happened, he brings other girls from the gym stuff and also texts other girls from the gym. And I should just trust her 

 

When she says stuff like that it makes sense to me too. It seems reasonable.

 

But then a big part of me also thinks it's very inappropriate 

What she is doing is called gaslighting. It's a form of manipulation to make you look like you are over reacting, it's all in your head, etc To clarify, one who acts inappropriate, that is not a what a real friend does or how they act, that's a person mackin on your partner. 

[S2B]

In effort to rebuild trust - did she OFFER to not see him again? Did she OFFER to quit going to that gym?

[whathappenstomenow]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

In effort to rebuild trust - did she OFFER to not see him again? Did she OFFER to quit going to that gym?

No she has said she is going to tell him that he disrespected her and me by continuing to text when she told him not to.

 

She says she is not the sort of person to be rude or ignore him at the gym so she will still talk casually if it presents itself at the gym but the talking will be limited to that and there will be no outside texting or social media or anything. They do have after session parties at that gym where she could potentially see him(where they go to a bar or club or something ) but it's only 3 or 4 times a year and there would be lots of other people around not a 1 on 1 thing

[S2B]

She is still making rules and plans to be able to see him.

why aren’t you setting a boundary?

you are doing nothing to make this end.

she calls the shots= you are allowing this to continue thus - disrespect you.

[Acacia98]

On 9/8/2025 at 3:31 AM, whathappenstomenow said:

When she says stuff like that it makes sense to me too. It seems reasonable.

 

But then a big part of me also thinks it's very inappropriate 

I think you've kind of lost yourself in this relationship. You identify too strongly with her. So, in your mind, her feelings take precedence over your own. At the same time, she doesn't particularly prioritize your feelings. So the two of you are essentially working together to deprioritize you and your thoughts and feelings in this relationship. Sadly, you don't matter (not objectively, but in this relationship).

On 9/8/2025 at 5:12 AM, whathappenstomenow said:

What if I actually trust her and don't believe she would ever do anything 

 

Then I'd end up leaving someone I trust and love  just because they have a friend of the opposite sex that is into her but she's not into him. And of course there is the disrespect he showed by continuing to message her  and her apparent lack of concern with it and how I felt 

 

It just seems like that would be such a big reaction to have on my part when I really do a trust her

 

For me this is not a trust in her issue. It's that I think the friendship is disrespectful to our relationship , and the fact that I am supposed to be the most important person to her and some sleezy guy cause issues for us which she doesn't seem to mind

Like I said, you've lost yourself. You are going along with her feelings about herself. You've forgotten how to recognize and give voice to your own feelings.

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Yet she isn’t hard on herself at all when she disappoints you by continuing to flirt with that married guy.

You see how easily @Gebidozo recognizes the obvious? That she cares more about disappointing a bunch for strangers than she cares about disappointing you? That can't feel good. Have you ever given any conscious thought to how soul-crushing it can be to go through life with a partner who prioritizes everyone but you? It erodes your self-esteem. Your self-esteem is low, isn't it? 

17 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

She called me crying probably 3 hours later and said she had just spent an hour on the phone with a guy she is really close with (him and his wife and my girlfriend are really close)

And she's so sorry that it took her so long to come around to my side but he basically echoed everything I said and now she is in agreement with me that it crosses a line and it has always crossed a line 

Tell me why I feel almost no relief ? I can't even describe how I feel. I think part of me is so angry that we have been dealing with this situation on and off for MONTHS and I felt like I was made out to be crazy and irrational and unreasonable and all this and now it's just like I talked to my friend and he said he feels how you do and now I'm on your side . It feels like we basically had to come to the end of the relationship for her to finally see my side , and she only saw it because someone else pointed it out to her

It is a very bizarre feeling

 

I'm sure in a few days I'll feel better that we worked it all out 

I'm so glad you're angry. You're finally waking up to the objective reality that you matter and are starting to prioritize your own feelings. 

You're angry because you understand so fundamentally that she does not respect you. I somehow don't think that you'll feel better in a few days. Not only does she not respect you. But she also comes across as childish and emotionally immature. You'll eventually get to the point where you want more from your relationship than she is able to give you.

[whathappenstomenow]

40 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you've kind of lost yourself in this relationship. You identify too strongly with her. So, in your mind, her feelings take precedence over your own. At the same time, she doesn't particularly prioritize your feelings. So the two of you are essentially working together to deprioritize you and your thoughts and feelings in this relationship. Sadly, you don't matter (not objectively, but in this relationship).

Like I said, you've lost yourself. You are going along with her feelings about herself. You've forgotten how to recognize and give voice to your own feelings.

You see how easily @Gebidozo recognizes the obvious? That she cares more about disappointing a bunch for strangers than she cares about disappointing you? That can't feel good. Have you ever given any conscious thought to how soul-crushing it can be to go through life with a partner who prioritizes everyone but you? It erodes your self-esteem. Your self-esteem is low, isn't it? 

I'm so glad you're angry. You're finally waking up to the objective reality that you matter and are starting to prioritize your own feelings. 

You're angry because you understand so fundamentally that she does not respect you. I somehow don't think that you'll feel better in a few days. Not only does she not respect you. But she also comes across as childish and emotionally immature. You'll eventually get to the point where you want more from your relationship than she is able to give you.

Yes I am seeing that people who shouldn't really be much of a priority to her get treated a lot better than I do...

When we have a disagreement a lot of times she breaks up with me. She doesn't really mean it but her first reaction with conflict is kind of to get out of there, so if things get tense she tries to leave but I usually talk her down and she says she just got carried away in the moment. 

And I said to her yesterday it's a little sad to me that there's this guy you don't even know very well and you fight so hard for him but we have such small issues sometimes and the first thing that happens is you try to run from me and leave me . She said she knows and it's just a defense mechanism

 

But sometimes she will even snap at me when we're in public and she can say kind of hurtful things. But when you compare that to how she treats strangers and her friends she would NEVER have an outburst on one of them or be rude to them in any way.

 

I think we get a long most of the time so when 90% there are no issues and everything is good I think it makes me think the relationship is good but when I start to look at how I am treated and how my feelings are considered and prioritized it doesn't seem like I get the love, support, concern, etc., that even strangers get

 

She has told me several times she's "a bad partner" and that she has a history of treating her intimate partners worse than anyone else .

She says she has an avoidant attachment style and that she thinks because of that she has some fear of intimacy and closeness and that fear makes her sometimes not care about the relationship so she will push limits and see what she can get away with (her words)

 

I think sometimes I don't want to believe it's true and that maybe she is just kind of a colder , less loving, more selfish partner because I love her and I know if that stuff is actually true this relationship doesn't have much hope . Or, if I stay in it my future doesn't have much joy in it.

 

Now I am kind of questioning a lot of things.

Over the summer she would wear swimsuits where her nipple would come out if she was jumping in and out of the pool and I asked if she could get a different suit and she got really mad and said no one else cared it came out, and it's normal if she's jumping in and out, and I'm the only one who has a problem with it.. kind of silly example but I wonder if I've been too laid back with some of the things she does and how she talks to me and kind of runs the show of the relationship . At the time I thought maybe she's right if she's jumping in it might come out. But she's 35 so part of me was thinking it's a little inappropriate . She said she doesn't do it on purpose so I shouldn't care. But I thought.. if you know it's going to happen because it happens regularly and you don't do anything about it, isn't it kind of your fault 

 

Anyway thank you for the reply . I don't have a lot of people to discuss these sorts of things with so appreciate the feedback 

[whathappenstomenow]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

She is still making rules and plans to be able to see him.

why aren’t you setting a boundary?

you are doing nothing to make this end.

she calls the shots= you are allowing this to continue thus - disrespect you.

But what can I do if she goes to this gym for a few years now and her friends go . Just because he's there ? I could see if there was cheating but that sort of thing didn't happen

She is still going to be friends at the gym with him, just no texting or social media

Edited Tuesday at 10:11 PM by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

There a lot of things you can do. But you seem to want to give her all of your power… meaning she knows you aren’t going to do a thing every time she disrespects you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is 35 years old?!I thought you were dealing with someone much younger by how immautrely she behaves. 

Dude. WHat are you doing with someone like this? She is self-centred, disrespectful and tramples all over you and your feelings. 

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

he has said she is going to tell him that he disrespected her and me by continuing to text when she told him not to.

This is so rirdiculous it's almost laughable. Why? Because the person who disrespected you the most is her. Not this other guy. He couldn't interfere without her participation , and she allowed it and encouraged it. She showed her true colours, and she's clearly attracted to him and likes the attention.

I don't see why you have tolerated so much nonsense from her. Getting flirty with Mr. Gym, breaking up with you repeatedly, treating you poorly. What has happened to your self-worth along the way here? I hope that you will come to your senses about this woman soon. She is not The One. Not by a country mile. 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

When we have a disagreement a lot of times she breaks up with me.

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

But sometimes she will even snap at me when we're in public and she can say kind of hurtful things.

Goodness… These are red flags that warrant a break up. Especially this:

 

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

She says she has an avoidant attachment style and that she thinks because of that she has some fear of intimacy and closeness and that fear makes her sometimes not care about the relationship so she will push limits and see what she can get away with (her words)

She literally admits that she is mentally unstable and unfit to be in a relationship. What else is there to say?..

Also, her justifications, explanations, and excuses for her poor behavior are ridiculous.

Avoidant attachment style has zero to do with how she’s been treating you. My partner is an avoidant attacher. That means that she likes her space and takes things slowly and wants to be alone when she’s upset.That does not mean disrespecting the partner and playing hurtful mind games with them. 

Too many people are justifying all sorts of bad behavior of theirs by stating they are “avoidant attachers”. That’s like justifying beating up people by saying that you like sports.

[whathappenstomenow]

Yeah guys I guess I'm just kind of a fool. Feeling more and more like it lately.

My birthday is the 21st day of my birth month and for it she got me 21 presents, 1 present a day.

A lot of days when we're working near the end of the work day she will start texting and calling me to hurry up and get over there so we can hang out and eat or watch TV or whatever together 

 

A lot of days she texts me in the morning and will ask how I slept and tell me to have good day

 

 

She does do a lot of nice , caring stuff. She's not always disrespectful and careless towards me. 

When we are getting along and there isn't an issue it's a pretty good relationship I think so when there is an issue and I am disrespected or not cared about or prioritized or someone else's needs are put above my own I guess I think about the good stuff and it makes me think it's not fair to give up on our relationship because she treats me good a lot of the time.

But I guess I'm starting to see that the good times don't matter if in the bad times I am mistreated and often don't have the most basic level of support and respect shown to me.

Then again, we can be having a perfectly fine day and I say something that annoys her and she will snap at me , so we really don't even have to be in a "bad time" for her to mistreat me.

 

The other day a football game was on and I said something about x player scoring a touchdown , we were at a restaurant during the game. She instantly told me to shut up and that it pisses her off when I say stuff like that because I'm jinxing it. She did it loudly, in a really nasty way with an angry look with plenty of other people directly around us and it was so embarrassing. 

After that we barely said anything for about 2 hours and then she asked why I was being so quiet and what was going on and when I told her that I've told her I do not appreciate her speaking to me that way especially in public she said I know but I thought we had moved on from that..

 

Moved on?! You did it and never said anything or apologized!

 

I usually try to call her out right away when she does something like that but sometimes you're just tired of dealing with the same thing so I don't even say anything

Edited Wednesday at 11:28 AM by whathappenstomenow

[ExpatInItaly]

I would have dumped this person ages ago. 

 

[whathappenstomenow]

Do you guys think it's offensive that she isn't completely cutting him off and still wants to talk and be friendly at the gym with him?

It seems weird because we finally got to the point after she talked to me and a few of her friends where she thinks ok this guy is violating boundaries and he's being inappropriate and he's being disrespectful to me and my relationship so I am not going to have him on social media or text him .

 

But if she thinks he was in fact being disrespectful to me , her, and our relationship, isn't it strange and disrespectful of HER to then maintain friendly relations at the gym with him?

 

Because she didn't say she wanted to be civil at the gym. Ok we are adults that makes sense. But that she would still be friendly and talk to him at the gym if the situation presented itself.

 

But he disrespected me. And her. And our relationship. So shouldn't he just be cut out of her life?

Edited Wednesday at 02:48 PM by whathappenstomenow

[Gebidozo]

I’d say that you have bigger problems to worry about than some guy at the gym.

Personally, I think that her confession about testing partners and pushing them away is the preeminent red flag. For all we know her behavior with that guy is just another part of those abusive mind games.

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 04:02 PM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

But if she thinks he was in fact being disrespectful to me , her, and our relationship, isn't it strange and disrespectful of HER to then maintain friendly relations at the gym with him?

This is what we have been trying to tell you, man. 

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

But he disrespected me. And her. And our relationship. So shouldn't he just be cut out of her life?

Now you're getitng it. 

It comes back to what I said in my first post on this thread: the attraction and interest is mutual. It's not just him. 

[S2B]

You really deserve better. She is just mean.

i wish you would think more of yourself - enough to eliminate people like her.

[flitzanu]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman is 35 years old?!I thought you were dealing with someone much younger by how immautrely she behaves. 

Dude. WHat are you doing with someone like this? She is self-centred, disrespectful and tramples all over you and your feelings. 

This is so rirdiculous it's almost laughable. Why? Because the person who disrespected you the most is her. Not this other guy. He couldn't interfere without her participation , and she allowed it and encouraged it. She showed her true colours, and she's clearly attracted to him and likes the attention.

I don't see why you have tolerated so much nonsense from her. Getting flirty with Mr. Gym, breaking up with you repeatedly, treating you poorly. What has happened to your self-worth along the way here? I hope that you will come to your senses about this woman soon. She is not The One. Not by a country mile. 

just wanted to agree with this so OP can see.

this "other guy" is literally not your problem and not your enemy, your gf is the one doing all this.  her repeating any of this to him is just wildly dumb.  though, my opinion...she isn't repeating any of this to him, she's simply telling YOU that she's going to "tell him" and she isn't going to do anything.  

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

 

 

But he disrespected me. And her. And our relationship. So shouldn't he just be cut out of her life?

no.  he did not disrespect you.

your girlfriend is the one disrespecting you.  

let me ask you a question...if she cheats on you with another guy...is the other guy the problem, or is it the fact that your girlfriend cheated on you?

[whathappenstomenow]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

no.  he did not disrespect you.

your girlfriend is the one disrespecting you.  

let me ask you a question...if she cheats on you with another guy...is the other guy the problem, or is it the fact that your girlfriend cheated on you?

I get it, I'm starting to understand now.

I don't know how to tell always what is too much or not enough

 

I get this guy disrespected us and she is a willing participant and she is actively participating in the disrespect.

 

But she has been going to this gym for 4 years. She has been with me for 2.

 

She has friends that go to this gym, there is a circle of them that all talk and hang out. And whether I like it or not this guy also goes to the gym.

 

So should my girlfriend just stop going to that gym with her friends that she really likes going to because this guy is there ? Or if she stays is she supposed to ignore him. If they're in a little circle of 5 or 6 people and they're all talking she can't even be in the circle if he's in it . That would be very uncomfortable for her

 

So it seems like she would just have to quit going to the gym . Doesn't that seem kind of extreme to ask her to do? That's a pretty big part of her life (she goes 3 days a week and has been for several years) to get rid of

Edited Wednesday at 06:48 PM by whathappenstomenow

[S2B]

You aren’t getting it.

you aren’t a good match.

she treats you terribly - you try to figure out how to stay.

don't stay with her! She isn’t treating you right!

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

But he disrespected me. And her. And our relationship. So shouldn't he just be cut out of her life?

He should be. But we've already established she enjoys the attention and doesn't want to cut him out of her life.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

So should my girlfriend just stop going to that gym with her friends that she really likes going to because this guy is there ? Or if she stays is she supposed to ignore him. If they're in a little circle of 5 or 6 people and they're all talking she can't even be in the circle if he's in it . That would be very uncomfortable for her

You’re worried that not talking to a married guy who’s hitting on her would be very uncomfortable for her, while she isn’t worried that the whole thing is uncomfortable for you.

There is no need to stop going to a gym she likes, all she needed to do was stop talking to that guy, but don’t you see that she is unwilling to do that because she disrespects you?

Also, you keep talking about the guy like he is the problem, even though we keep telling you that she is the problem.

The way she’d occasionally break up with you, yell at you publicly, and push you to the limits in order to see what happens (by her own admission!) - all that signifies that she isn’t fit to be in a mature relationship.

Her behavior with that guy is just one of the many facets of that. Stop focusing on the guy and see the big picture here.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

You aren’t getting it.

you aren’t a good match.

she treats you terribly - you try to figure out how to stay.

don't stay with her! She isn’t treating you right!

All of this. 

This relationship is a trainwreck, OP. You are worried about the symptoms while overlooking the much bigger problems. If I were a man, there is no way I would continue dating this woman. 

[whathappenstomenow]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this. 

This relationship is a trainwreck, OP. You are worried about the symptoms while overlooking the much bigger problems. If I were a man, there is no way I would continue dating this woman. 

I understand she has done some things that were mean or disrespectful or unsupportive.

 

But as of now she she will not be texting or communicating with this guy outside the gym or if they have an after session party and he is there with the other 30 gym members.

 

Isn't that progress?? Like I asked what is she supposed to do stop going to the gym she's been going to for 4 years because he might say something to her?

 

 

I definitely have my eyes on the relationship and am seeing how this gym thing is handled. She hasn't been back to the gym this week and won't be back until next week.

 

I do think I am at a point where if these things continue happening I know what I have to do.

I will admit that I have a hard time knowing what is acceptable behavior and I have a hard time knowing if what has happened warrants her completely cutting this gym out of her life.

It seems like a lot to ask her to stop going. 

 

She said she will take care of it and tell him not to text anymore and I am going to gently suggest she remove him from social media and block his number .. short of her completely stopping going to this gym I don't know what else I can ask of her if she has already agreed they can't communicate outside the gym anymore

 

 

I know that how she handles the gym thing next week and if she shows resistance to blocking his number and removing him from socials it is probably going to cause a big issue . 

The last several days I have been getting extremely bad anxiety and uncomfortable when I go to her place or see her. Almost bordering on a panic attack, it's hard to explain and I've never experienced something like it. When I go to her place my heart starts beating really fast and I feel uncomfortable and I can breathe but it sort of feels like my air is being taken away. I have strong feelings of resentment and I feel betrayed. I have been very stressed and unable to think straight 

Edited 13 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

sn't that progress??

That's a very low standard for "progress."

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Like I asked what is she supposed to do stop going to the gym she's been going to for 4 years because he might say something to her?

No, because she has an obvious crush on him and has been feeding that crush this whole time. She has poor boundaries and also the hots for this other guy. That's a very bad combination, as you are now realizing.  I don't see that attachment to a specific gym should take precendence over your entire relationship, but here you are. 

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

She said she will take care of it and tell him not to text anymore

All she has to do is block his number. She can tell him if she wants, but really, I wouldn't trust her to do so. She wanted too much to keep him around despite how badly it made you feel. 

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I am going to gently suggest she remove him from social media and block his number .

This is part of your problem - you are very afraid of asserting yourself. Why the need to "gently" suggest? Be direct and tell her you won't accept continued contact in any way. Did she take a "gentle" appraoch when BSing you about her involvement with this man or made it your fault? Has she been "gentle" all the times she has broken up with you or treated you poorly? She steam-rolls right over your feelings and boudaries, yet you tip-toe around hers. This is pretty sad dynamic but it speaks volumes about how warped this relationship is. 

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

if she shows resistance to blocking his number and removing him from socials it is probably going to cause a big issue . 

Then you will know she likes him a lot more than she is letting on. 

4 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

The last several days I have been getting extremely bad anxiety and uncomfortable when I go to her place or see her. Almost bordering on a panic attack, it's hard to explain and I've never experienced something like it.

This is what happens when we finally start to wake up to the reality of being hurt and betrayed by the person we should be able to trust most with our hearts.