Can someone tell me if I need to leave my relationship. Be brutally honest on if I'm crazy.

September 6

As brief as I can possibly be I dated my girlfriend for about a year before I found out she had a male friend from the gym. To be completely clear they do not hangout outside the gym, there has been no infidelity on her part

He started bringing her desserts and candies a lot. He had made some sexual comments to her and a couple other gym members about being unhappy in his marriage because his wife never put out and saying he needed to get some - things of that sort. My girlfriend told me this.

Then he heard from another gym member girlfriend of hers that my gf had a sick relative. He started reaching out and asking if she needed anything and if there was anything he could do and was regularly checking on her.

I started feeling uncomfortable given everything I had heard. I brought it up to my girlfriend and after a discussion she said that she thought the way it was going was a bit inappropriate as well, and that she had been in a similar situation before and she was uncomfortable with it. She told me she was going to pull him aside and let him know that she appreciates his friendship but that she feels the texting and the gift giving has to end

Fast-forward two months and she comes to me and says she made a mistake and she no longer thinks what they were doing was inappropriate . She says she thought it at the time but after thinking about it friends check on each other, friends bring each other snacks, and whatnot . Basically that she made a mistake thinking it was inappropriate and telling him they need to stop texting. So we agreed she could do what she wanted and I would trust her .

The real issue is this : in a bizarre coincidence , after we had the talk where she let out how she really felt, he texted her 2 days later.

So the position now is that she pulled this guy aside at the gym and told him that both her and her boyfriend thought their texting and gift giving etc were inappropriate . And before anything changed or they ever spoke again about texting, he texts her. (He said something like hey, how has work been going )

He completely violated what she told him. She showed a lot of maturity and care for him as a friend by pulling him aside and confiding some personal history and letting him know truthfully and straight to his face that she thought it was inappropriate. And I feel like he kind of spit right in both our faces by texting her again. My girlfriend said because I got back on board with her being friends with him that I should be fine with it. My whole point is that before he even knew anything other than what she told him about not texting any more he texted her, completely disrespecting her wishes that she went out of her way to tell him

I feel we are at a complete stand still and we have had a couple conversations but not much is happening. Can someone tell me I'm just being too much, or I need to leave her for her sake as well as mine since we seem to have fundamental differences in this. I feel it was so disrespectful to me, her , and our relationship for him to continue texting her and she doesn't seem to care much. She said she will make some joke to him like " hey f***er I told you not to text me, you got me in trouble"

And I thought that made it even worse, because it's like she doesn't even think it's a big deal. Please tell me straight up what your opinion on this situation is. Am I crazy ? Am I wrong ? Do you think It sounds inappropriate? Is it not very disrespectful that he continued texting ?

Edited September 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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September 7

I think everyone can agree that he is being disrespectful. He is literally trying to “get some” from your girlfriend or other women because his wife won’t “put out”.

The question is whether your girlfriend is being disrespectful to you and herself by continuing to be “friends” with someone who has openly announced his lewd intentions.

In my opinion, yes, continuing to have a close connection with that creepy person would be disrespectful to your relationship.

Perhaps you could gently ask her to revert back to the stage where you both decided that she shouldn’t be friends with him.

September 7

5 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Please tell me straight up what your opinion on this situation is. Am I crazy ? Am I wrong ? Do you think It sounds inappropriate? Is it not very disrespectful that he continued texting ?

I think that your girlfriend is either too much of a people-pleaser or, at some level, is enjoying the attention.

I say this because, after you tell someone where your boundaries lie, if they violate them (especially in this kind of situation), you don't keep having talks with them to emphasize where the boundaries lie. And you certainly don't adjust your boundaries to accommodate them. You shut the door. Yet here she is having repeated talks with this fellow about boundaries and then shifting hers to accommodate him.

I think there's a fundamental discrepancy in values between you and her. So the way she's handling this issue is going to make you uncomfortable going forward. And it should. But, beyond telling her that you're not comfortable with it, there isn't much else you can do without coming across as a jealous control freak. So give her the leeway to act as she chooses and start preparing yourself mentally for the inevitable break-up.

Edited September 7 by Acacia98

September 7

I agree with the posts above but would personally find my interest waning drastically in your gf as a partner and wouldn’t see a future with her. In my experience it’s difficult to revert the loss of respect for someone once they breach boundaries or make it explicit their views are as fundamentally different as you say - to the point of feeling disrespected and unsafe/uncomfortable with a situation.

Id remain tactful about the differences but also wouldn’t find any reason to discuss further. I wouldn’t let it go on much further.

September 7

2 hours ago, glows said:

I agree with the posts above but would personally find my interest waning drastically in your gf as a partner and wouldn’t see a future with her. In my experience it’s difficult to revert the loss of respect for someone once they breach boundaries or make it explicit their views are as fundamentally different as you say - to the point of feeling disrespected and unsafe/uncomfortable with a situation.

Id remain tactful about the differences but also wouldn’t find any reason to discuss further. I wouldn’t let it go on much further.

Thank you that was so well put.

I fear I'm already at the point where I've lost enough respect that the future looks very uncertain

September 7

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I think everyone can agree that he is being disrespectful. He is literally trying to “get some” from your girlfriend or other women because his wife won’t “put out”.

The question is whether your girlfriend is being disrespectful to you and herself by continuing to be “friends” with someone who has openly announced his lewd intentions.

In my opinion, yes, continuing to have a close connection with that creepy person would be disrespectful to your relationship.

Perhaps you could gently ask her to revert back to the stage where you both decided that she shouldn’t be friends with him.

I already suggested something like that, now citing that not only do/did the interactions seems inappropriate, but now he has absolutely disrespected you, me, and our relationship by ignoring your earnest request for him to stop communications.

Her response was that if I wouldn't have said it was inappropriate in the first place and "made her" stop talking to him ( we had an extremely calm, mature conversation about the nature of their interactions and communication when I first started hearing all the details about his behavior and she was in COMPLETE agreement with me that it was inappropriate)

then he never would have had to stop texting her which means we wouldn't now be in the situation where he had to ignore her request and text her when she asked him not to...because she never would've had to ask him not to. Hope that made sense.. basically

It's my fault they stopped talking

If she never "had" to tell him it was inappropriate he never would've stopped texting her

If he was never told it was inappropriate and not to do it, he couldn't subsequently violate what she told him. If I hadn't supported a restriction , there wouldn't have been any restriction for him to disrespect/ignore

September 7

I had to laugh at that. Sorry, but it sounds like such a ridiculous response. It's something I would expect from a child being scolded by their parent. I hope you didn't try to use logic to make her see sense.

September 7

7 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

If he was never told it was inappropriate and not to do it, he couldn't subsequently violate what she told him. If I hadn't supported a restriction , there wouldn't have been any restriction for him to disrespect/ignore

This sounds like the speech of a crooked lawyer in court grotesquely distorting reality in a desperate attempt to prove the innocence of a clearly guilty person.

September 7

9 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I already suggested something like that, now citing that not only do/did the interactions seems inappropriate, but now he has absolutely disrespected you, me, and our relationship by ignoring your earnest request for him to stop communications.

Her response was that if I wouldn't have said it was inappropriate in the first place and "made her" stop talking to him ( we had an extremely calm, mature conversation about the nature of their interactions and communication when I first started hearing all the details about his behavior and she was in COMPLETE agreement with me that it was inappropriate)

then he never would have had to stop texting her which means we wouldn't now be in the situation where he had to ignore her request and text her when she asked him not to...because she never would've had to ask him not to. Hope that made sense.. basically

It's my fault they stopped talking

If she never "had" to tell him it was inappropriate he never would've stopped texting her

If he was never told it was inappropriate and not to do it, he couldn't subsequently violate what she told him. If I hadn't supported a restriction , there wouldn't have been any restriction for him to disrespect/ignore

She’s gaslighting you into being the problem. This is manipulator 101 but at the kindergarten level given the situation. I agree with the others - laughable at best. She’s attempting to make you out to be the crazy one but unfortunately it’s backfiring.

The second and possibly greater concern is that she’s behaving this way regarding a rather petty and insignificant issue. Couples go through life and death together, bringing children into the world, witnessing the loss of loved ones and usually support one another during tough times. She chose instead to not just manipulate you and put you in a difficult situation, she also chose to do it for a married man who is unhappy in his own marriage. To me this is lacking so many levels of intellect and empathy it’s shocking. Would you be prepared to navigate the ups and downs of life with her as a partner?

September 7

Hmmmm ... You're getting deep into the details and I say that because in situations like this, you can get lost in the details. I have many times gotten lost in processing what was going on in my relationships because I got pulled into too many details.

So I realize simplifying is so hard--especially when you're the person in the relationship. Still I want to simplify this whole situation, or try to simplify it, to see if it helps with more clarity.

First of all, it sounds like your gf has a boundaries problem. She doesn't have a gut sense for when someone (in this case someone of the opposite sex) is coming too close to her. I know relationships between men and women are changing. I'm a testament to that in that I have a number of close women friends and I share about my dating life with them and they will even share about their marriage lives. But we didn't get to talking about their marriages until really late into our friendships. The red flag is your gf not pulling back when this guy mentioned his marital sex life. She needed to have a radar go off right then.

Also, when he started to offer favors. Like offering to help her deal with having a sick relative. I don 't think this guy was close enough (in a neutral way) with your gf to offer that kind of favor. Red flag that she didn't object to this. Dude is married. Hasn't he got enough on his plate?! Him checking in on her--that's what you do after a longer period of settled friendship. Note--as a friend, I look for what I can do that complements what my women friends' husbands already do.

Another red flag--she didn't tell you about this guy. I'm pretty good friends with the husbands of my close women friends. I'll just take one friend who lives a thousand miles away. She has invited me to visit her and her husband and they have come here to visit me. No secrets.

Shift your gaze from this guy--and instead focus on your gf. She is the problem here. BTW: I once dated a woman with weak boundaries. It was a pain: she was always scheduling with other people who expressed an interest in her even if she wasn't all that into them. She had trouble saying no. If you're with someone who has trouble saying "no" to people, you, the partner, will absolutely suffer in that relationship.

Bigger picture: there is a boundaries problem or a relationship problem when you don't feel reassured by your partner. Period!

Don't expect to persuade her to change. Sorry--the kind of change your gf needs to make can take a decade and some people never make the change, never learn how to set the appropriate distance and limits on friendships or even acquaintance relationships.

Yes, I think you want to dump her and move on.

September 7

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Hmmmm ... You're getting deep into the details and I say that because in situations like this, you can get lost in the details. I have many times gotten lost in processing what was going on in my relationships because I got pulled into too many details.

So I realize simplifying is so hard--especially when you're the person in the relationship. Still I want to simplify this whole situation, or try to simplify it, to see if it helps with more clarity.

First of all, it sounds like your gf has a boundaries problem. She doesn't have a gut sense for when someone (in this case someone of the opposite sex) is coming too close to her. I know relationships between men and women are changing. I'm a testament to that in that I have a number of close women friends and I share about my dating life with them and they will even share about their marriage lives. But we didn't get to talking about their marriages until really late into our friendships. The red flag is your gf not pulling back when this guy mentioned his marital sex life. She needed to have a radar go off right then.

Also, when he started to offer favors. Like offering to help her deal with having a sick relative. I don 't think this guy was close enough (in a neutral way) with your gf to offer that kind of favor. Red flag that she didn't object to this. Dude is married. Hasn't he got enough on his plate?! Him checking in on her--that's what you do after a longer period of settled friendship. Note--as a friend, I look for what I can do that complements what my women friends' husbands already do.

Another red flag--she didn't tell you about this guy. I'm pretty good friends with the husbands of my close women friends. I'll just take one friend who lives a thousand miles away. She has invited me to visit her and her husband and they have come here to visit me. No secrets.

Shift your gaze from this guy--and instead focus on your gf. She is the problem here. BTW: I once dated a woman with weak boundaries. It was a pain: she was always scheduling with other people who expressed an interest in her even if she wasn't all that into them. She had trouble saying no. If you're with someone who has trouble saying "no" to people, you, the partner, will absolutely suffer in that relationship.

Bigger picture: there is a boundaries problem or a relationship problem when you don't feel reassured by your partner. Period!

Don't expect to persuade her to change. Sorry--the kind of change your gf needs to make can take a decade and some people never make the change, never learn how to set the appropriate distance and limits on friendships or even acquaintance relationships.

Yes, I think you want to dump her and move on.

Appreciate the response. Looking at it more clearly is helpful.

You do not know how right you are regarding the people pleasing. She has brought herself to tears before stressing over "having" to do something with people she doesn't even want to hang out with simply because they asked her and it would be rude or disrespectful in some way to politely decline. Like she has to put on a good show for everyone and she can never disappoint anyone in the slightest. She is extremely hard on herself in that way

I am definitely starting to think that the issue is more with my relationship and my girlfriend and I'd value difference than with this guy

Edited September 7 by whathappenstomenow

September 7

1. This guy broadcasts his marriage difficulties to anyone who'll listen. That tells you he's a jerk.

2. He's showing inappropriate interest in your girlfriend, and she's encouraging it. I don't believe she "pulled him aside", if she did it's unlikely he would have continued.

3. Your girlfriend's getting off on the attention and getting a kick out of your reaction. She's disloyal, and that's a very ugly personality trait.

4. They met at the gym, where people go to keep fit and lose weight, and he brings her candies and desserts? And she accepts them without calling out the BS?

Your girlfriend's trampling all over your boundaries and that alone is reason enough to dump her. Buy her some candies as a parting gift.

September 8

I wouldn't stick around anymore TBH. BUT you don't need anyone's vote here....you will figure out what is best.

Edited September 8 by smackie9

September 8

The reason I identify her as the problem (not the guy) is that let's say she places some limits (way overdo) with the gym guy, well there will be another guy who comes along and another. And people who don't set good boundaries---who don't know that saying "no" is not mean--seem to attract more people maybe because folks can sense that these people have trouble saying "no." Another way of saying "no" btw is to say "I'm not comfortable with that."

There's actually a book out that was helpful to me. It's called "The Power of a Positive No." I won't say you need to read it, but it has a few absolutely mind-blowing points. One would be that in order to be able to say "yes" to your own life priorities and values, you have to be able to say "no" to all the temptations and opportunities that come along that aren't aligned with your values and priorities. I can't remember if the author used this phrase, but I remember having this phrase in mind with my ex with terrible boundaries. "If you can't say no, then you can't say yes." If you just say "yes" to whoever knocks on the door, it's not really a yes. .

A good relationship requires partners to say no to all kinds of things that don't work for them–even good things and good activities. Both people need to say "no" in order to clear out time and energy for each other. And that is ongoing. You don't have to say no to everything, but you do have to learn to feel fine saying no. Otherwise, you really can’t give a full “yes” to the relationship.

Anyway, good luck.

September 8

26 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I wouldn't stick around anymore TBH. BUT you don't need anyone's vote here....you will figure out what is best.

I mostly know what I should do but it's hard when she says stuff like he's just a friend, even if it gets inappropriate on his end she won't let it go there, they've known each other a couple years and nothing happened, he brings other girls from the gym stuff and also texts other girls from the gym. And I should just trust her

When she says stuff like that it makes sense to me too. It seems reasonable.

But then a big part of me also thinks it's very inappropriate

September 8

Here's the problem. Part of setting good boundaries is to be quite aggressive (though you don't announce this) BEFORE, WAY BEFORE, anyone is tempted to make a move on her.

My other worry is this: if this guy is just a good friend, why didn't she tell you about him? Or introduce you to him? Something was going on in her mind (despite her claim that he's just a friend) such that she didn't tell you about him.

September 8

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Here's the problem. Part of setting good boundaries is to be quite aggressive (though you don't announce this) BEFORE, WAY BEFORE, anyone is tempted to make a move on her.

My other worry is this: if this guy is just a good friend, why didn't she tell you about him? Or introduce you to him? Something was going on in her mind (despite her claim that he's just a friend) such that she didn't tell you about him.

What if I actually trust her and don't believe she would ever do anything

Then I'd end up leaving someone I trust and love just because they have a friend of the opposite sex that is into her but she's not into him. And of course there is the disrespect he showed by continuing to message her and her apparent lack of concern with it and how I felt

It just seems like that would be such a big reaction to have on my part when I really do a trust her

For me this is not a trust in her issue. It's that I think the friendship is disrespectful to our relationship , and the fact that I am supposed to be the most important person to her and some sleezy guy cause issues for us which she doesn't seem to mind

September 8

Well there is some problem that brings you here.

If you say you trust her, I'm not sure I totally buy that. The bigger point might be you don't feel valued and respected. Remember, it's not the guy. It's your partner. Most partners would be able to navigate this situation such that you aren't asking questions.

If this really bothers you, then I would say you don't trust her. Or you trust her based on effort and direct explicit thinking.

I prefer partners that I don't have to work with in my mind to trust them. So what if you love her, if she can't draw boundaries. So what?! You'll love the next person! Love is not the be-all of romance and is not the reason to stay with someone. You want a partner you are compatible with and who has the capability to be a great partner. Lots of battered partners "love" the batterer. Doesn't mean they should stay with the violent person. They need to get away or the battering will continue. Their feelings will shift later.

I will just say this: this situation will absolutely totally happen again. Just be ready for it. It will happen again.

September 8

The attraction between these two absolutely sounds mutual.

Sorry, man. She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into accepting unacceptabel behaviour, and distract you from the fact that the biggest problem in this whole equation isn't him - it's her.

ù

September 9

She knows full well it’s a concern on your part - yet she’s willing to hurt YOUR feelings to make HIM happy… and she knows she loves the attention and ego feed… so it’s her priority to stay in touch with HIM. She made a choice - she put your relationship at risk and is willingly hurting your feelings!

no, I would NOT be ok with that. If it were me - I wouldn’t waste another minute on someone that was willing to hurt me that way.

she made a choice. That choice was continue flirting with a married man.

Edited September 9 by S2B

September 9

22 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

What if I actually trust her and don't believe she would ever do anything

Then I'd end up leaving someone I trust and love just because they have a friend of the opposite sex that is into her but she's not into him. And of course there is the disrespect he showed by continuing to message her and her apparent lack of concern with it and how I felt

It just seems like that would be such a big reaction to have on my part when I really do a trust her

For me this is not a trust in her issue. It's that I think the friendship is disrespectful to our relationship , and the fact that I am supposed to be the most important person to her and some sleezy guy cause issues for us which she doesn't seem to mind

This proves you don’t trust her. How could you? She completely disrespected you.
Don’t be naive. You obviously aren’t the most important person or she wouldn’t have disrespected you this way. She put the “friendship” with a married man over your feelings. That part is clear.

September 9

On 9/8/2025 at 3:47 AM, whathappenstomenow said:

Like she has to put on a good show for everyone and she can never disappoint anyone in the slightest. She is extremely hard on herself in that way

Yet she isn’t hard on herself at all when she disappoints you by continuing to flirt with that married guy.

September 9

Kind of an unexpected update today.

We had a very brief discussion about it today where I basically just said I'm unhappy with the situation. Not a ton said by either

She called me crying probably 3 hours later and said she had just spent an hour on the phone with a guy she is really close with (him and his wife and my girlfriend are really close)

And she's so sorry that it took her so long to come around to my side but he basically echoed everything I said and now she is in agreement with me that it crosses a line and it has always crossed a line

Tell me why I feel almost no relief ? I can't even describe how I feel. I think part of me is so angry that we have been dealing with this situation on and off for MONTHS and I felt like I was made out to be crazy and irrational and unreasonable and all this and now it's just like I talked to my friend and he said he feels how you do and now I'm on your side . It feels like we basically had to come to the end of the relationship for her to finally see my side , and she only saw it because someone else pointed it out to her

It is a very bizarre feeling

I'm sure in a few days I'll feel better that we worked it all out

Edited September 9 by whathappenstomenow

September 9

Worked it all out? She wasn’t willing to agree until someone else spoon fed it to her! Why didn’t she understand it when YOU (the supposed most important person) told her repeatedly?

she has no interest in respecting you. She is so immature she has to take a poll from outsiders? No can do.

good luck with this one. She’s proved that someone pays her attention and she laps it up. You can’t trust her!

she needs to grow up and learn to think on her own! She also needs to learn what respect means.

too many large red flags waving for this to go well.

any decent person doesn’t need to be spoon fed decency in a relationship. She knew she was doing you dirty. Yet she still did it.

Edited September 9 by S2B

September 9

59 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Tell me why I feel almost no relief ?

Because deep-down, you know this doesn't solve the real and much bigger problem, which is her waning interest in you.

Her getting too friendly with this other guy is an issue, to be very clear. But the real concern here is that she is drifting away from you and made space in her heart and mind for someone else. This spells significant trouble for your relationship even if she never speaks to her crush again. There is a gaping chasm between you and her at this point and that is where you both need to be paying a lot more attention.

Edited September 9 by ExpatInItaly

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